you know me.

[Guest annonymous member]

Hello

I'm not signing into this one simply for selfish reasons. I'm dissapointed in myself and I am ashamed. Alot of you may "know" me so I am not owning up to this one.

I began to quit smoking over a year ago. The first few months it was patches and Zyban with some success and then something stressful would hit and I would smoke again for several weeks...and then begin the process to quit all over again. I'd average about 2 1/2 months of "smoke-free" each time and then fall off the wagon.

This last time that I quit I thought was for good. I went 3 1/2 months! The longest ever! I was thoroughly convinced I would never smoke again. Changed all my habits and stayed FAR away from smokers and smoking "spots". It was working.

Then the holidays hit me. And I was depressed and sad- really bad.

My partner (who uses chewing tobacco) comes home one night and says he has a christmas present...and low and behold it was a little bag-wrapped and inside were TWO cigarettes.

"It's christmas, he says...it's only two...just get it out of your system and then you'll feel better."

Needless to say I stared at those for five longest minutes of my life and then I went outback and smoked one right after the other. They made me sick. And the next day what did I do? I bought a pack and began smoking again! (Da** him!)

Now I am smoke-free again. On the patch and bound and determined to make it work. Only I feel like my partner is against me--subcounsiously.

He argues with me about little things and is difficult. He will begin an arguement with me and when I argue back he replies, "Why don't you just smoke?" or "I'd wish you just smoke!"

What is wrong with him? Why can't he just leave me alone for a week until I get passed the "difficult" stage? Why didn't he choose last month to be a jerk, why start as soon as I quit smoking again? Does my success at being smoke-free threaten him? He has said time and again that he cannot quit chewing tobacco. He has tried and boy is he MEAN when he quits, that he just gives up and starts again several hours later.

I get anxious and I get frustrated easily when I am withdrawing from smoking, but I know I am not downright mean...why is he being mean to me at a time like this? I know I'm not being one-sidded because our child sees his behavior too. Our child call's daddy "mean" too. Always picking a fight with me.

Yes, he has alot of stress and maybe I am his only "target" but I don't desearve this- ESPECIALLY when I am doing SO MUCH and on top of that quitting this VERY ADDICTIVE habit.

This is a stupid reason to fight- I wish he's just be understanding and act more like an adult. With everything we are going thru, why can't he see the big picture here and act like an adult?

Sorry to ramble on...I am smoke-free (hanging on a thread) 48 hours now, and upset at having a non-supportive partner who needs to be on MY side instead of always fighting with me and dangling a cigarette in front of my face.

Your friend........XOXOX

[shirleyb]

Hon,

I am so sorry you are going through this. Sometimes it is your strength and committment to not smoking that he might make him to be jealous because he can't seem to quit his habit too. Jealousy does that sometimes. Makes us mean, wanting what others have. Be it material or something like this. When that happens we do everything in our power to make the other person fail so we don't look so bad. I am sorry that this is going on.

Next time things get tense, maybe just ask for a hug. It is hard to do, but a hug can do wonders for calming the soul for both of you. It is hard to fight and pick on each other when you are that close.

You are in my prayers kiddo. I wish you both the best of luck in this.

Shirley

[J.C.]

Just wish he would chew his tobacco instead of you.

Keep trying till you get free from the smoke, you are doing the right thing,

it is hard but the will is there, the rest will follow.

Good luck

J.C.

[ginnyde]

I have no idea why your SO would want to undermine your quitting smoking.

My only advice is anytime he gives you any grief, I would say -

Shut up, I want to live.

How can anyone argue that.

I quit 19 months and 4 days and 2 hours ago (but who is counting). I knew that I only had one quit - so no matter how much I may want a cigarette, I just won't do it - I never want to have to go thru quitting again.

Good luck. Remember - keep yourself first.

Ginny

[Snowflake]

Looks like SOMEBODY needs a time-out for not playing well with others....Teasing isn't fair!

Might I suggest some joint counsel? I think some discussions with a trained mediator may help with this issue as it seems to be a sabotage of your best efforts...some flippin' Christmas gift!

I don't understand why people feel that when someone is fighting an addiction they need someone to give them permission (and even the tools) to fail! What was your significant other saying, "I know you're trying to quit, I know WHY you're trying to quit - it's Christmas, I think you should give in and give up..."

Cripes, how 'bout "I know how hard you're working to quit, let's celebrate with a movie" or SOMETHING positive... Some reward for all your hard work, another dip into the addiction and going through all the primary withdrawals again! BAH!!

Tell him you're trying to quit - and if he keeps interferring, you and Louie (I named my Louisville Slugger) will help HIM quit - kinda hard to "chew" with no teeth! Okay, I'm not saying violence is the answer...but a little healthy "fear" never hurt anyone! (Louie used to sleep with me when I lived alone with a dog and a boy. Since "statistics" say most people are shot with their own gun, I figured a bat was the way to go....try to take THAT from me while I'm usin' it! Louie STILL sleeps under the bed - Beware of dog my butt, beware of owner!)

ANYHOW, keep quitting, quit starting...and try professional advice. This sounds like a deeper problem than just bein' ornery...

Becky

[Guest]

The act of giving you cigarettes when you are trying to quit a habit that is extremely harmful to you is down right EVIL>>>

No excuses. If this man loved you he would support your efforts to live a healthy life.

If I were you I would examine this relationship very closely. It is not healthy to stay in a relationship strivtly due to some sort of dependency. he is being at the least very selfish, and the most downright evil.

I say this especially if the two of you are not married. I would advocate counseling and restructuring of the relationship - if you are married.

[Fay A.]

Guest,

That wasn't "teasing". No excuses for what he did. There are men out there who wouldn't treat you that way. And sometimes being alone is better than being with someone.

I am sorry you were subjected to this. You have proven to yourself that you CAN quit for 3 1/2 months. What I want to suggest is that you look at staying quit by the hour/day/week if that is what it takes to get you through the rough spots. And each time you're tempted to smoke remember how hard the immediate quit period is, and remind yourself that you don't want to go through that part of it again.

Rooting for you to be successful.

[teresag]

Guest, I'm sorry this is happening to you. His actions were wrong; the "Christmas present" gag makes me sick. I agree that he's probably jealous of your success in beating the tobacco beast. Feeling jealous is one thing, but to sabotage your hard-won success is really evil. If he won't go with you, see a counselor yourself and try to work it out. The man is wrong wrong wrong. Good luck to you.

[Connie B]

Dear OXOXO's friend,

I have to get this comment off my chest regarding your sig-other (what a jackass)! Sorry, just My opinion!

Second, you just keep trying to quit my dear, one of these days it will STICK! At least your trying, and You can't be knocked for trying. It'll work, you'll kick the habit. ((((((((((((FRIEND)))))))))). Also, I'm feel so sad that you feel you have to hide who you are to us. We aren't hear to judge you, but rather to love, and support you and your ups and downs, no matter what they are. I have a cousin who thought she was a failure for always going back to smoking and trying to quit, but I told her she couldn't be a failure as long and she kept trying to quit, and LOW AND BEHOLD after several tries, she QUIT!!

Keep trying!!

[MO_Sugar]

(((((Friend))))),

I have to agree with the folks above and say that your SO is somewhat of a butt head for giving you cig and telling you to smoke when you are trying so hard to quit. He needs to grow up and smell the coffee! You are trying to do something good for BOTH of you and if he can't see that he needs some help. Just MY opinion! Hang in there and we are praying for you!

Quitting smoking is THE hardest thing I have ever done and it is a 1 day at a time type of thing (sometimes 1 hour at a time). When you want a smoke, think of how good you feel when you DON'T smoke. Think of the time you are adding to your life and how much better things smell WITHOUT the smoke smell! If you feel you HAVE to have one, make it as uncomfortable to smoke as you can. I make my daughter go out in the garage to smoke so she has to get dressed, but on her heavy coat and walk to the garge which is NOT heated. She has cut down to 1/2 pack a day and if it stays this cold she should be done in a week, lol.

Best wishes and God Bless,

MO

[Snowflake]

Just a follow-up -

I do see TWO clear cut problems here; one being addiction, the other being a bad home environment.

I do NOT agree with getting counseling just for yourself and having a "work around" for someone who is in your "comfort zone" and should be supporting you, not tearing you down. I would, however, go myself if the significant other were not willing to and decide just how much of the crap I was willing to put up with...

Speaking from some experience, there are things that can be tolerated in a relationship and things that can't. You need to decide what is what with you and go from there. I was married before and tolerated a lot of emotional abuse and some physical (there was an ultimatum issued in THAT instance) BUT would NOT tolerate the "girlfriends" - no discussion on that, I left and filed for divorce... Everyone has their own limits, find yours and stick with them. You will never be happy if you are always "settling"... Relationships should NOT be a one-way street. If your significant other isn't willing to "give", and is just a taker, you have some pretty big decisions looming in your future.

I agree with Fay, it is always better to be alone than to be with someone that is wrong for you...

Keep on with the quit, you can do ANYTHING you set your mind to - you just have to remember you've set your mind to it!

[DeanCarl]

I don't know a lot about a lot of things. But beating an addiction is something I DO know a lot about. Been there, done that.

First off: Stop, quit, cease and desist beating yourself up for starting again! Nicotine is considered to be one of THE MOST ADDICTIVE substances known. Ranks ABOVE heroin and just below crack cocaine.

Now that you've stoped beating yourself (you HAVE stopped, haven't you?), give yourself a BIG pat on the back for putting them down again! I think it's great you didn't just give up, say "oh well, guess I can't do it" and keep right on smoking!

About your partner and your relationship: The one thing I can say is that, in order to sucseed at this, you're going to have to stand up for yourself. It would be great if he was supportive, but he isn't and you're going to have to accept that. He may see your quitting as a threat. By you quitting it takes away one more excuse for him to keep doing a behavior he doesn't want to stop. So let him know this isn't about HIM ... it's about YOU and YOUR life. If his tobacco use doesn't bother you, let him know that. It will diffuse some of the stuff going on. Then tell him you are GOING to not smoke anymore. Let him know the decision is final, non-debateable, inarguable and NOT open to ANY discussion. Then DO it. Don't argue, don't debate, don't discuss ... just do it! Don't allow yourself to be drawn into petty arguments that you know are just a prelude to the real issue ... smoking. I call those kinds of arguments "smoke screens" and as soon as I see that's what is going on I put a stop to that discussion RIGHT NOW. I will, and have, been as adamant as required to stop those kinds of petty bull ****.

Finally, if the support isn't there, find support elsewhere. Friends, family members, quit smoking groups, whatever. You know my feelings about this. WE can do what *I* can't.

I have seen alcoholics and drug addicts recover successfully while living with a partner who is still drinking and using. It CAN be done. Go for it!!!

Dean

[gerbil runner]

You can do it. Your SO needs a swift kick in the a$$. Anyone who short-circuits your efforts to get healthy has his own set of problems.

Stressful times of life make it harder to evaluate relationships. However, you need to think about the status of this relationship. A "love" relationship should be something that makes life better, not tougher.

[Nancy O.]

Hi Friend. Just keep trying no matter what you SO does. It's a bad addiction and number one is to stop beating yourself up about it. I quit and went back many, many times but refused to quit trying. My husband still smokes and I try to stay out of the room he's in when he's smoking. I don't feel that I have the right to dictate to him where or when he can smoke. I have several of the rooms of the house where he won't light up and I go there when he is smoking. It's hard and I crave every day, but so far I've managed not to smoke. The thing is it's my decision no matter what anyone else says or does. Keep trying, I'm on your side. Nancy O.

[Rick]

This is a problem. No-one should offer up cigarettes to anyone no matter how stessed unbearable you have should became.

Your partner might as well have handed you a gun as the end results are often the same.

Your partner needs to just deal with the circumstances and try to help with the issues at hand instead of taking the easy way out. No matter what stress your partner has, they shouldnt take it out on you and especially when you are taking such a big step in quitting.

Can you imagine if in the drug re-hab centers had staff that acted like this, noone would ever kick the habit.

You need to have a talk and explain this in depth and if they cannot deal with it then make sure they dont have to. Show them to the door.

[Guest]

you shouldn't be ashamed, your SO should.

Maybe he isn't worth the trouble?

[Remembering Dave]

OK, my first reaction to this was anger. Especially at him giving you cigarettes - wrapped as a gift, for pete's sake?????!!!! when you are trying to quit? how destructive is that? My knee jerk reaction is DUMP HIM, he's got to be more harmful to you than just THAT, if he did THAT.

Then I read Dean's post. OK, I totally agree with Dean, especially since he's been there, done that, and as well as SEEN others quit in similiar (or worse) circumstances. So I say, "what Dean said".

Except if the relationship remains destructive despite it all, then maybe you do need to get out of it.

My opinion. I care about you, whoever you are!

God Bless,

Karen C. (David C's wife)

[Nancy B]

Dear Friend, please don't ever stop trying to quit. It took me many tries but I finally did it. I chewed the Nicorette gum for a year and have been smoke free for 15 years now. It was the hardest thing I have ever done - I was soooooo hooked. If I can do it, you can. I am 57 years old and almost 4 years cancer free. Stay strong and I will pray for you.

Nancy B