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Double Whammy


Pam

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Well, the other day I had a double whammy....which has set me into quite a spiral of depression....

Received an email from someone who had lost her dad to cancer about

15 years ago...the email was full of how to get over it and go on and how well she did getting over it and blah blah....which made me angry... I am in no way over this and I never will be.

Later that evening, An old friend I haven't spoke to in about a year called...after exchanging a few stories she said she heard about my dad, and how life is unfair, etc. She then asked when it happened. When I told her October 27, she said THAT LONG AGO???

I said No, just last October, three months ago.

She said Yeah I know but I just can't believe it was that long ago, I thought it just happened.

I said It feels like it just happened yesterday......

This kind of bugged me......I started wondering how people seem to be doing much better than I am......

And all weekend, there has been things on tv about psychics and contacting your loved ones....

Oh how I wish I could just talk to my dad one more time, have him tell me that he's ok, that he is with God, that he will wait for me....

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Hi Pam,

there is no map for grieving. for some people it doesn't take that long, and for others it takes a great deal of time. for me it is taking a long time as well. when someone is that special to you, the grief you feel is heartfelt and in many ways you deserve it to yourself to grieve over him for as long as it takes. it is such an individual process. please ignore these people, please take your time, and please be good to yourself. thinking of you. Mirrell

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Pam,

So many people may hurt you by words or actions and it will

always tear you apart.

They react with empty words to a situation they know nothing

about.

Your love for your father will never change, will always be there,

and you hurt so much by his absence.

There is no way can we really relate to somebody loss, because it is not

our loss, it is their and they have to live with it for as long as it necessary

for them.

Please forget about those people, they didn't know any better.

We are here for you and will try to understand you pain and

if we can we are ready to help anyway we can.

Love

J.C.

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Pam,

I agree that these people did not know what they were talking about, but I am also going to caution you, they did not call and write to hurt you. That was not their intention, they were trying to reach out and comfort you! The gal who emailed you, was trying to help you by telling you how she dealt with it, if she hurt you, it was the farthest thing from her mind. The same for the other gal. Please aquit these folks, they were just trying to be there for you, but being human they fumbled around and only managed to hurt you more. I know you hurt badly and miss your Dad desperatly. My prayers are with you

Blessings

Betty

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PAm,

I won't be "over it" either. It wasn't fair, it was too soon and it just plain sucks. There...said it all out loud.

That said, we are alive and we must go on living- however way we can. SOme people find peace quickly, others try to keep busy, but as the days pass, we keep breathing, we put one foot in front of the other, and before we know it a new day is starting and we do it all again.

What we can hope for is laughter and joy (even in bite sizes) to touch our lives as well...and before we know it we've had a day with more smiles and laughter than tears.

I will always miss my dad, as you will yours. I will always wonder and always ache to see or hear his voice - heck, right now I'll take a dream where he's talking to me (haven't had any)

But we have to live, and how we grieve is our own- no one can tell us how to feel or how to "get over it". We just adjust and deal with the new "normal" and hope that in time that the joy of living replace the incredible sadness and the memories of those we loved sustain us until we see them again.

I feel sorry for people who say they have "gotten over" a death. I wonder if that means they no longer miss or remember their loved one.?

You're ok. You're doing fine- my dad passed away almost 5 months ago and at times I feel like he just died yesterday and I hurt so much, and at other times I feel like it has been SO LONG since I've seen or hugged him and I miss him so very much - It's how we feel when someone we love so much and are so close to is gone from our lives.

Let those "friends" know that they upset you so that they wont do it again- or don't talk to them about it at all ever again, but I don't think they meant to hurt you- like so many, they just don't know any better.

((HUGS))

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Pam,

Boy do I understand you...First noone understands the depth of love between a father and his little girl, whether his little girl is 10, 20, 30 ,40, 50,or so on.. I am sorry to say but I think those are the people who "get over it." Our heroes are gone, my dad was 71 and he protected me until his last breath. How does someone get over that. I dont try to explain my sorrow to anyone any more because they will never get it..

We are so blessed to have had such beautiful dads... I keep focusing on that thought, many times it makes me happy and many times it makes me extremely sad, I havent found anything that really works yet.. It helps to come here, after I read about others especially daughters I at least know I am not alone...

So when I am around others, I dont let them know how I really feel, I keep that to myself, because they have no idea of the depth of my sorrow and I dont think they want to... I am sorry your friends made you feel so bad, really they just dont understand.. I have to admit I never understood until I lost my dad... Never really knew what cancer survivors went through to become survivors and I still dont know what it must be like, but at least now I have an idea...You know and I know our dads want us to go on living and be happy, I know there is some peace down the road, maybe together we can all get there...

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Pam,

Of course we don't "get over it". My Dad died of a massive coronary in 1979. To this day I often think of him and wonder how he thinks of the life I've lived. I hope, still, that he is proud of the things I've done and what I've accomplished. My Mom died of lung cacner 5 years ago. I miss her still.

So whenever someone says something to me like that my first reaciton is to get angry. At first glance it seems they do not have a clue of what they are talking about, even though they claim to have had similar experiences.

But then I have to stop and ask myself what they really mean. If by "get over it" they mean I should treat it like it never happened and go skipping merrily down the pathway of life then they have never experienced the loss of someone close to them or I question the relationship they had with that person.

On the other hand, if they mean by "getting over it" that I will reach a place where the memories bring smiles as often, or more so, then they bring tears, then they are right. I will "get over it". I have.

And what it took to come to the place was time. How long? As long as it took. And each time was different. For some reason I seemed to be ok lwith my Mom being gone fairly quickly. With my Dad it took at lot longer. There are probably some deep psychological reasons behind all that but I really didn't care then, nor do I now. The point is that I came to that place with both of them ... each in it's own time.

And, I believe, will you. In YOUR own time and in YOUR own way.

Dean

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Pam,

I'm glad that you chose to write this post. I'm not the one who wrote to you about my experience in losing my Father, but I am one who has written to others about my experiences in losing my Mother to Lung Cancer back in 1991. I don't recall ever claiming how well I did with grieving for my Mom (which I still do), but I have spoken about how over time the acute sense of loss eased. It never occurred to me that anyone could be offended by that. When a relative told me about her experiences when she lost her Mother I always thought of it as comforting that at some point in the future I would be able to think of my Mom (most of the time) without feeling like I had been sucked into a black hole. And because it was comforting to me, I thought it would be comforting to others. I held on to it like a life line for a long, long time. Perhaps the person who wrote to you thought the same thing.

As far as the person who thought 3 months a "...long time...", this person doesn't understand because they haven't felt the intense loss you've experienced. It's a perspective we learn in the first person...and they have to have loved as deeply as you did, otherwise the loss isn't that profound.

I can't imagine anyone here writing to you with the intent of causing you additional distress. I appreciate you writing to tell us how this has affected you, instead of keeping it in, or talking about it via private means. We can't learn how to respond in a way that is supportive of your needs if we don't know that a problem exists. We can offer support based only on our own experiences if others do not share theirs. So, thank you.

I am sorry for your loss, Pam, now, tomorrow, and forever.

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Pam,

I agree with Fay and Dean in their idea of "getting over it". Getting over the rawness, the black hole...

...and Cathy mentioned people not knowing how deep in grief she is and how bad it still hurts. I have a thought on that angle, too. I have been around people suffering from a deep loss (parent, sibling, child, etc.) and KNOW how low they were in grief - and was wise enough to know that there was not one darn thing I could to about it. I could sit and hold their hand, offer a hug, hand them a Kleenex, but as for alleviating the grief .... totally powerless. If I could have taken away the hurt, I would have, it's just not possible. The ones who are left behind have to come to terms with the loss, no one can do that for them.

...and in the grand scheme of things, three months IS a long time from most things - vacation, weddings, birthday celebrations, holidays....it's just not a long time when the context is grieving. Pain takes longer to work through (after all, first day back at work and that vacation glow is GONE).

Let your friends know what your needs are, they won't know if you don't tell them. If you need more time away from home or more time to yourself, let them know. True friends will respect your needs and be there for you when you need them....

...and if your pain is in direct proportion to your love, it's no wonder you hurt so bad. It WILL ease, but it will never go away. Work through the pain and keep your eyes open. Life DOES go on, there's another generation coming up like the daffodils in spring...

Peace,

Becky

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I lost my Dad in 1969 and I still think of him every single day. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think that I wish he could be here. The same thing for my mother who passed away 8 years ago. They both died too young (my Dad at 51 and my Mom at 71).

One of the hardest thing for me to deal with after Hugh's death has been the insensitive things people say to me. I know they don't mean it, but it hurts non-the-less. When people tell me things will get better I now answer "No, they won't get better but they will get different." I know as time goes by I will grieve differently because I lost both my parents and I DO grieve differently today than I did when it was still really new. But I do still grieve. Every single person we lose in this life leaves a new and different void in our lives. That void never goes away, can't be filled by other people or by "keeping busy." No matter how "busy" we keep ourselves when we go to be at night that person is still gone.

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You guys are right - they probably didn't mean to hurt my feelings. I guess to be honest, I just still feel so raw, everything sets my off crying, it just doesn't take much. Reading how you all felt about it put it into a better perspective.

And Fay, you are right, it was nobody from this site who wrote that email, it was more of an acquaintance who likes to "fix" things and tell people what they should do.

So I thank you all for your replies, I sure am glad I have you all to dump my troubles on!!

Hoping for a nice evening for us all.....

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