Anger

[Elaine]

I guess there's a lot to go through with all of this, and right now I am feeling angry. It's not pretty either.

At the drug store today, just walking a few aisles made my knees hurt which reminded me of what I am going through. I looked around and saw many people older than I am and I got really angry. Not that I wished this on anyone --I did not. I was just angry to be young and sick and facing what I often think of as a horrible unknown (read too much on the Internet).

Then I was reading tonight an interview with a Dr. who said only 2 per cent of lifetime smokers get lc. (THat seems very low--I used to hear 10 per cent and Carl Dean said 15%) but any way-the majority DO NOT and I DID. Then I read that less than 4 per cent are under the age of 50 AND I am under 50.

I have been on medication for a heart arrythmia for many years, which means I have to see a DR twice a year to get my meds. I also have had to go to an emergency room at least once a year for past 10 years. Plus my regular gyn tests every year or two at the most. Never has a Dr asked me about any lung symptoms or suggested I get a chest X-Ray. I had Bronchitis many times as a very young adult--in my late teens and early twenties, but from the age of 30 to now, I was only sick a few times--sick enough to believe I needed antibiotics (which we were told were not good for us, lately).

But after 4 years of extreme stress--financial, personal and familial, I was sick on and off for half of 2003. Then in Dec I got well and a month later, thinking I was well, I go to the Dr about pain in my knees and here I am. The cough is long gone.

Too bad the Dr didn't check my lungs when I went to the Dr about lung symptoms. Only when my knees hurt did I get my lungs looked at. Kind of sucks.

They locked my brother up several times in nice rehabilitaion centers to try to get him off of drugs and alcohol--but those of us who smoked, what were we offered? Insurance won't even pay for stop smoking devises or percriptions. But they will pay for drug treatment. (Which they should, I agree). I have read that cig are much more addictive than most "drugs."

Ever so often, a Dr would say, you know you should quit or something, but never anything like--your lungs sound terrible or maybe you should do some beathing tests etc to give some objective criteria for the comment. It was almost like it was something that the Dr. felt obligated to say, but not to do much about it.

And I would try. But I was not good at it. Not good at all. Even now, the insurance co that wants to mess around with me, still won't pay for smoking cessation (even if I did have precription coverage, which I do not), so that maybe someone could stop smoking today and avoid lc 10 years from now.

And I am mad about the way CarlDean was treated and I wonder if he is getting he proper medications and care from our govt.

And I am mad that lc is not the only disease smoking causes but that we get all (or most of the stigma)

And I am mad about other stuff too. So I hope I can turn some of this anger into something positive by morning.

Would like to hear from those who have also been angry and what helped.

Thanks

[gail]

2 1/2 years after my surgery I still have moments of anger. I smoked, and quit before pregnancy, like a good girl, and 17 years later . . .

Anyway, what caught my eye was the insurance company turning down your request for counseling. I got a name through my oncologist, called my insurance company, was immediately kicked up to the supervisor, and got approved for out of network counseling. I also know many cancer centers offer counseling. Therapy was the best thing I could have done for myself, (along with my monthly massages ), but my once high stress level is gone.

gail

[Angie Daughter of Bill]

I know about the anger. My Dad is the one with lung cancer, but I am angry, too. I am working through it, but it is hard. Like you, my Dad's first symptom(that we noticed) was pain and swelling in his knees. I thought I was taking him to the Dr. for arthritis.............things just snowballed from there. We are going for the final staging, etc. today. I'm sorry that you are having to go through this. May God give you strength and courage on your journey. Best wishes!

[betplace]

Elaine,

All my life I have hidden my anger deep and turned it to depression. Your post got me thinking, because I have not expressed any anger that I have this d__m disease. I know that it is there buried somewhere and a lot of other anger about a lot of things. I guess I need to journal it. Will have to work on this one I think. Thanks for a thought provoking post.

Blessings

Betty

[Snowflake]

Elaine,

PLEASE do NOT feel that you have lung cancer simply because you smoked...and the age thing? Can we talk??

Find the counseling, PUSH for the counseling, work through the anger. I cannot say that I have gone through what you are going through...See, I'm in my 30s and I never smoked - and here I am.

I never had any animosity against smokers - until I discovered all the things I can no longer do as secondhand smoke is now a big no-no (and makes me choke until I about cough up the remaining lung tissue). Now, my tolerance for smokers is zero...(about the same as my tolerance for folks that think flatulence is funny and to be "shared" with those around them).

NEVER, EVER compare the smokers that DON'T get lung cancer to those that do. Smoking is NOT the only cause, you could be like me...not suffering the guilt of "causing" it, but wondering where in the hell it came from in the first place and the action that caused it.

Only "bad thing" I had in my life when it started to grow was a boss from Hades and CONSTANT stress - so bad that my doctor thought I might be having a heart attack at 32 and sent me to ER and then follow-up cardiac tests. Never underestimate stress...

...and never second guess your life. Smoking didn't give you lung cancer, logically, if smoking were the only cause, ALL smokers would have lung cancer and no non-smokers would. More research is needed....

Counseling, Elaine. It helps... and answering the "Why me?" with the "Why NOT you?".

The older folks that you are looking at that appear to have no problems COULD have cancer and not know it, could be dealing with MS, could have children that have been "lost" to them for years... You never know what others are going through, just as looking at you they have no clue of YOUR issues.

Work through those big problems in little bites - makes 'em easier to swallow.

...and don't blame yourself. It ain't worth the stress.

Becky

[TBone]

HI,

Anger is a terrible emotion for me.It stresses me out big time.I used to have major problems when anything irked me.I have found now that I think most of the time I am angry it is actually driven by some sort of fear.I find that when I feel an anger attack coming on that if I just take a real deep breath and say the serenity prayer I almost instantly calm down.But the serenity prayer does wonders for me all the time.I can do it anywhere,anytime.I start the morning with it.If the day goes bad I start the day over by getting by myself,hitting my knees,searching for humility and saying it.It works for me.Just thought I would offer that.Love and prayers to you all.TBone

[TBone]

God,grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,(other people),

The courage to change the things that I can,(me)

And the wisdom to know the difference.

Amen

[Ann]

Elaine, please know and believe you are not the only angry person on this board!!! I think all of us are angry but some are able to deal with the anger easier than others! We have often discussed how unfortunate it is that the general population views lung cancer as merely something the victims brought on themselves by smoking! My husband did smoke....too much for too long. I tried for years to get him to quit but he always had a reason for valifying his need to smoke....work...stress...money...kids! But...he always told me he could stop when he wanted to. I thought this was a line but I guess not. The minute our primary physician told him he suspected lung cancer from the xray results, Dennis never smoked another cigarette. He stopped...cold turkey! I was amazed that he never "flipped" on me, as he had smoked for 30 years. Often, when we would tell people Dennis had cancer, the look they would give was almost as if to say...oh well, he smoked...he should have known better!!! Well, maybe he should have known better but know what??? He was ADDICTED!!! Now, because of that addiction, I'm a widow at the ripe old age of 50!

I'm angry that so many insurance companies refuse to pay for a chest xray as a part of an annual physical. But even with that, it is often too late to do much after cancer appears on a chest xray...per our doctor. My insurance will not pay for the routine xray so I pay for it now. After being a victim of second ahnd smoke for so many years, I realize that I, too, am in serious danger of developing cncer. But...I also know this world we live in is an environmental wreck! I'm sure the chemicals in everything we eat, touch and drink are just as toxic as tobacco.

Like you, I'm angry that lung cancer can masquerade itself so well and you have no idea anything is wrong until it is far advanced! Dennis was working every day....home after dark....working on bids till the wee hours...up at dawn. He never complained of any symptoms that would send up red flags. He was fine!!!! Normal...great appetite...no tiredness! Then wham...as soon as he was diagnosed evertything started to fall apart. I have to believe the rapid downfall was partly due to some of the treatment.

Angry...you bet I am!!!

[Guest Rosie (at the library)]

How, as a support person, do I help my mom with this?

I have been up here for a few weeks and am staying several more to help her.

During daytime (especially morning) hours things are good, rough, but still ok.

In the evening she is straight out mean. I know that a lot of this is b/c of the disease. Some is her frustration with herself. She is an alcoholic and is still drinking, not as much, but still drinking.

Anyway, from 5-9, she's ready to rip our heads off. I mean straight out mean. I have swallowed it for some time, but I have to tell you, I don't think it's ok to be that hateful.

I've started to ask her questions to help her think about why she may have said whatever, so that she can begin to see what is going on, but I have totally run out of ideas.

Anything you give me would be helpful...

If you don't get a reply from me quickly, it is because I really have to come to the library to get online. I will definitely check back though...

Blessings to you all,

Tammy

[Snowflake]

Tammy,

Tape her and play it back when she's sober. I threatened to do that with someone I love dearly - sweetest person you'd ever know, sober...add alcohol, instant jerk...and mean. Told the person that if they had to deal with their behavior from me, they'd leave....

Just an idea, I didn't have to do it, I'm kinda persuasive in person when I'm really PO'ed and fed up...

Good luck, that position sucks even when there is nothing else involved!

Becky

[Carleen]

Elaine,

I am sorry you are feeling this anger. But know that you are not alone in that emotion, as I think most of us have felt/feel that way often. After my husband's diagnosis, I had a period of time where I was really angry. I couldn't stand to look at older people because I kept thinking it wasn't fair that they should be able to live long and happy lives when my husband is struggling to keep his at the young age of 31. It was especially hard to see older couples, because that has always been my dream, to grow old together with the love of my life, and I felt like I was being robbed of that chance. I'd get angry at people who were able to go on as life was normal, because it wasn't, the world had ended and why couldn't everyone see that.

I remember an instance about three weeks following diagnosis where my sister tried to get me out of the house and we went to see my neice perform in a school play. Prior to the curtain rising, people filled the audience and there was much talking and laughing. I became enraged that someone had the nerve to sit behind me and be happy and laugh, I turned and yelled at her. I think back and think of what a fool and a b!tch I must of appeared. But it was not to be helped, my emotions were in a whirl and anger is natural. But it also should be something we work past.

I still get angry, but I try to ask God to help me see the blessings in life around me instead of focusing on the negative possibilities. No one of us are guaranteed tomorrow. We could be killed in a car crash, so we need to enjoy the day we have. And there is hope all around us as well. Miracles do and can happen. A cure can be just around the corner. Remission is a possibility. We believe in the statistics and always tend to associate ourselves with the majority, the negative outcomes. But why? Who says each one of us can't fall into that miraculous minority that beats this D_mn disease. It happens, it can happen for us.

Don't waste your moments on guilt. This is not something you did, or smoking did to you. This is a random happening, a bad luck of the draw. Don't waste your moments feeling angry or jealous, as you may miss the opportunities to experience some of life's blessings. When I start feeling angry (which I do a lot), I stop and say a prayer and try and thank God for all the things in my life I am grateful for. I thank Him for allowing me to wake up this morning next to My Husband for one more day. I Thank Him for the love I feel from family and friends. And I ask that whatever His Will is, that he show mercy in its execution and to give us the strength to bear up to it. Usually this helps me feel better.

I've grown a lot closer to God since this has happened, and it has helped me more than I can say. Also, this site has been a source of inexpressable suppport and comfort. When I can't hold the emotion in anymore I can come here and vent, say anything, and it's ok. It's not judged, and I feel relief. No one here minds is I kick and scream and cry. And sometimes I even do that physically, I have a few pillows that are a little worse for wear.

I will keep you in my prayers Elaine. Please know that we care about you, and are here for you.

Carleen

[Don Wood]

Anger is my primary reaction emotion. I think it is for a lot of men, since society doesn't support men having other emotions. When I get frustrated, I get angry, particularly as a caregiver, when I see things not moving smoothly for my wife.

This is what I do. First, I blow off a little steam often, so it doesn't build up -- I verbalize my frustration to someone supportive or to the air. It helps me get over it just to talk about it, as you have here. Second, I look back at the events in the coolness of time and see how I could react better, get things going more smoothly -- I have found it I am insistent (assertive) without getting all angry and emotional, I get more things done through others. I try to remember that. I don't back down -- I just try to remain calm and creative and assertive. Third, I have a few selected people I talk with on a regular basis to vent my "ain't it awfuls".

As an example, my wife takes morphine for pain. The druggist we go to has had trouble supplying the med in a timely fashion. At first, I ranted and raved, and eventually got things done, but it was hard on everyone, including me. Lately, I have tried the calm, assertive approach, and the druggist has actually called around and located the med locally for us when he couldn't get it right away. Now we are friends and I see him as an ally instead of the enemy.

Works for me. And it is better for me and those around me. Not an easy task, but one worth working at. Good luck. Don