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Cindy RN

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Guest triciaryan

Ok, now that you all have had a chance to joke around a little, I thought I would just come in and throw a wet blanket on it all.

As I read through the posts, I get a knot in my stomach, a pain in my chest, tears in my eyes and the sniffles in my nose.

I get so anxious whenever I visit this sight. I guess I have this part of me that wants to ignore the fact that I just spent 6 months fighting cancer and try to live a "normal" life. But another point wants to learn all that I can so that I pursue all possible courses of action to be a long-term survivor.

It is like I am a split personality. I always feel awful after reading this site, yet I come back for more.

I am a wreck. I rarely cry, probably due to good, strong anti-depressents. But if I visit this site, all I want to do is go home and take a Valium or Xanax.

I guess I feel like I am really going through the mill now because I also have scar tissue in my lungs and due to the radiation treatment, my oxygen level desaturates very quickly now with any activity. I am about to apply for disability and it is very scarry. I guess I am afraid that I won't qualify and then what? I know I can't go on not being able to breathe just going from my car to my desk. Plus, how am I going to manage financially? I have such a pain in my chest it feels like a vice grip around me, yet I know it is just an emotional response (my heart always checks out fine). I just want to lie down and cry until I fall asleep.

I am so scared of the future. Part of me wants to just get on with it. If I am going to die soon, then let's get it over with so all of my loved ones can begin to recover and get on with their lives and so all of my suffering will be over.

Miserable on a beautiful spring day in the country in California.


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SOme days, when I am really feeling sorry for myself, like today, I wish only that I would be a candidate for surgery. Imagine WISHING for surgery, when two short months ago, I was wishing my gas bill was lower or that grocery prices would fall or something small.

But I also know that had I been a candidate for surgery, that I would still fear the very real fear of reoccurence. There is no easy place on the this ugly road called LC. That sucks.

I understand, how you feel, butI also know that you don't feel that way ALL THE TIME. So rejoice in the moments you have forgotten the word CANCER. I know those moments exist. I know because even I, who am a mess, have moments when I have forgotten.

That's all the wisdom I have for you and I know it's not much. But really, try to focus on those moments--even if they are far and few between.

I tell myself, too, that I am not coming back here. I cry too much, I get scared out of my mind reading some posts, I think it's not good for me etc. But everytime I do come, I find something good to take away, and for now I am focusing on that.

I will keep you in my thoughts. PM if you want to talk.


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Tricia-I agree. We kid around on here to help US lighten the mood. Cancer can control your life if you are't careful. I have tried hard to live my life, yes I have a bad disease BUT so do others. Diabetes High blood pressure, heart disease, AIDS, kidney failure, etc. The word-CANCER-can destroy a person. Don't let it. Look around at what you can do. I have moments that are horrifying-thinking I won't be here for my family, I do not have grandkids yet, etc. I can not and will not let myself stay in those moments. If I did I would miss out on whatever else is going on at that moment.

I too get short of breath easier now than before SO I slow down. I have lots of time. As for the disability-call the social security office and tell them what is going on and see what they can do. I went on disability 6 months after I was diagnosed. I was unable to return to work after the diagnosis. Keep coming here and vent all you need but remember you are ALIVE right now. None of us have a guarente on how long we will be here. :)

Love Cindy

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I'm glad you wrote,because you're so wrapped up in that wet, heavy blanket that you can't throw it on anything. Maybe we can help lift it from you. Won't know until we try.

So what can I do to help you? You tell me what it is you think I can do that will make this easier for you. I am absolutely serious. I can tell you how I deal with the anger and sadness and fear, but the only way I know to do that is to tell you what I am dealing with and how I handle it. But I'm not sure that what is working for me would work for you right now. So you tell me what it is you need, and I'll try to help.

You're in California, and so am I. Register as a member and then private message me. You don't have to deal with this alone, Tricia. You aren't alone. It breaks my heart, but there are more and more of us signing on here every single day.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Fay A.

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Hi Trishia,

I sure hope that you can somehow hook up with Fay as she suggested.Her posts here have been life savers for me.I woke up this morning feeling terrible.I have my last of 18 radiation treatments today and really thought about not going.I have been so exhausted and just feeling bad.When I read her post about how she always wins it just kicked me right back up.She has a way of coming through with the right words at the right time and it just helps me a whole bunch.Thanks Fay.And find her Trishia.I am sure she can lighten up that wet blanket a bit and all of us are here to help when we can.TBone

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Tricia,I have a lot of trouble shortness of breath from treatment as well.I wear a portable ox tank when doing activities.It's cumbersome but it helps.You will be amazed at what you can do if you slow down at it and just keep going.

I also had to go on soc. sec.It wasn't all that hard to get,but it takes at least 6 mos to recieve here in Pa.Call your local office and get the ball rolling.

I too think you really should contact Fay.She has been a tremendous inspiration to me reading her posts.


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Boy, oh boy, do Iknow how you feel! I felt the same way that far out.... had my father dump all the liquid morphine in the house I felt so badly.

I know that was a double whammy from the surgery and the chemo/radiation. I was told some folks have serious depression for up to a year. I had mine for about 14 months...


and I am glad I am here at this board. I am more up than I have ever been, but it was a rough rollercoaster ride to get here.

Take all the help you need to see you through....

and please remember that the sun WILL shine again...

Love ya,



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Thank you all for responding and not critizising me for my need to weep and vent. It is more comforting to me to hear about your having been depressed than it is to hear I should use my positive will power to overcome my feelings.

Today I spent the morning at the hospital having a CT scan to rule out pulmonary embolism in my lung and to check for cancer reoccurrence. No pulmonary embolism, as they sent me home. Don't know about the cancer, yet. Monday I go for a bone scan to check my ribs. If it is all negative, which I hope, I probably just have a strained muscle from coughing so much. I have had the cough a long time and the pain for less than a week and it seems to be getting worse.

Tuesday I go to the pulmonologist to get the results of my pft and to talk with her about disability.

I am not as sad or fearful today, maybe because I haven't visited any other posts as of yet.

Thanks for understanding.


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