Candy Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 Hi Everyone, I have continued to "lurk" to check on everyone. I still don't know what I would do without this board to come to. It STILL seems like a personal victory to hear about everyone who is doing well and just as personal to hear bad news. I've been back to Texas to see Jeremy graduate from Tech School. Though it is still a hard thing for me to have him so far away, I am really proud of him and have trouble thinking about my baby being a police officer. He is stationed in South Carolina and I am driving down on the 17th to see him. Can't believe I am doing it - boy am I nervous! I have some friends and family that are pretty upset with me, but my answer to them all is that if I don't DO this stuff I will be paralyzed. I HAVE to be able to do for myself, I don't want to have to hope that friends or family are free and available to go somewhere with me. If, at 48, I can't drive for 12 hours than I might as well hand in my license. Its strange really to find yourself alone at my age - at any age I would guess. I have people who worry a great deal about me, but the bottom line is they have their own lives to live and mostly I am not a part of it - can't be and shouldn't be. They will tell me not to drive to South Carolina or not to do other things, but they don't say they will drive with me. Of course they can't and I understand that, but I don't think many people understand what I am going through. I believe you can't unless you live it. Jeremy and I were chatting on the phone the other night and he suddenly said "I keep thinking this is going to get better but it just keeps getting worse". Sure does. I just got by what would have been my twenty-fifth wedding anniversary (June 22). I was nothing more than a train wreck the entire day. Fourth of July was another horrible weekend. NO ONE was around, they all had things to do and places to go. Can you say alone? I allowed myself one meltdown on Friday night, had 2 glasses of wine and then made myself keep busy. I weeded, mowed, refinished a chest of drawers, washed windows and cleaned. All things I hate of course, but they helped me get through the weekend and push the thoughts of how well Hugh was feeling around that time last year. He had just finished chemo, he built a beautiful fence and arbor in the yard and we did a day-long fishing trip with my brother and had a cookout afterwards. Within two weeks we found he had brain mets. I also lost our basset hound. She was Hugh's princess and yet another connection I feel I have lost. I had to have her put to sleep as her kidneys stopped working and it was untreatable. She was 14 years old. I had her cremated and she is tucked away with Hugh. I can still close my eyes and see her sitting on Hugh's lap (all 70 pounds of her) while he scratched her belly and rocked. I had some bad moments dealing with that. So, I just wanted to say hi to everyone. I feel like I am trying to claw my way out of a pit of depression. Like its right underneath me and if I let go I may never get back out. Keeping busy helps, this board helps, I think my trip will help. Right after Hugh died I felt numb and could only concentrate on getting through the very next minute. I think for a couple of months that seemed to get a little better, but then the dog died and I again started missing Hugh (not that I ever stopped) and feeling like I can't think past the next minute again. The dull ache I had started to feel was much more tolerable than this acute pain. Heavy Sigh, I am now officially done with my pity party. I will have another granddaughter soon. Casey Erin is due to arrive on September 3. The doctors say she could arrive as early as mid August. Another trip to South Carolina will be in the future. I can't wait to meet her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stand4hope Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 Candy, I am so sorry. I'm glad you get to go see your son. The 12-hour drive will be a good adventure for you - and a GRANDDAUGHTER soon - that should help. Love, Peggy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimblanchard Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 Congratulations on the pending arrival of your grandchild. Be sure to update us when she is born. As for the rest, I know only too well some of the stuff you are dealing with. Don't be a stranger. Curtis Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ginnyde Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 Candy, I truly believe that this 12 hour adventure may open new doors in your life. You are young. Go seek a new place for yourself. Not just as a Mother and Grandmother but as a young vital woman that has much to give the world. Keep us posted on all of your new adventures. Let's see a picture of this new beautiful granddaughter when she arrives. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shirleyb Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 Candy, It is so good to see you are still around. I feel like I am mirror to what you are going through but still very different. Just know I think you are doing the right thing....you continue to live, you continue to make plans, and you continue to surprise yourself in the new adventures you are taking. I for one am very proud of you. YOU GO GIRL!!!!! Keep the positive attitude that you have. It will get you through even the darkest of times. You have what it takes, and I know you are making Hugh proud. Keep in touch. Shirleyb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glo Posted July 11, 2004 Share Posted July 11, 2004 Candy - I'm glad too to see you back posting. I've been concerned and asked if anyone had heard from you. Like Shirley, I can definitely relate to all you've talked about. It is certainly hard to do alone those things we always did with our husbands. I'm very proud of you for making the effort. Just keep on going -- we'll all make it eventually. Gloria Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilyjohn Posted July 14, 2004 Share Posted July 14, 2004 Welcome back Candy. I too was gone for a while and it is hard to catch up again. I too can so relate like Shirley and Gloria have said. There are so many things that I am doing that I never would have attempted before my marriage ended then again after losing my Johnny. Some things get easier and some get harder. As for that pit you have a lot of company. It almost seems at times that instead of getting shallower the sides ofit get steeper and harder to scale. I have some good days and some ok days but still many more bad days than good. If time is a healer like we have been told I realize that time could be eternity. Hang in there and have a good trip. I still can't get my courage up to drive that far. The interstate and big trucks are my hold up especially near the cities. Maybe someday I will bite the bullet and try it but for now the train has to do for me. Congratulations on your expected grandchild. I know what a treasure they can be. Lillian Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jamie Posted July 14, 2004 Share Posted July 14, 2004 Candy, So sorry that you are in a funk...but what better to bring you out than a beautiful baby girl! Congrats to that, and if she gets you out of this...you will know there is more than one reason that she was born. Maybe God is sending you a gift! Who can be in a slump with a new baby grandaughter around??? Jamie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
norme Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 Candy, I hope you see this before you head by home. Maybe you are doing to SC by way of I-75. If so, on your way home stop to see me. I am exit 189 in Ky. Send me an e-mail and I will give you direction. am only 1 mile from the exit and easy to find.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fall54 Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 Candy, You are doing the right thing by being independant in any way that you can. I have not lost my husband to cancer but have recently lost my Brother whom I love dearly and I have found myself in a bottomless pit at times. I know I need to make the kinds of efforts you are and I am trying. Hugh is in Heaven and very proud of you I'm sure. Remember like Ry said you are a young vibrant woman so get out and find things to bring some joy in your heart. Have a wonderful trip, enjoy your son and Congrats on your expected Granddaughter. Do drop in more often and do show us pictures of your Granddaughter when she is born. God Bless You, Jane Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 Candy, it is so great to hear from you. Glad you are managing to keep it all together. Please stay in touch, as we all miss you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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