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Two steps back....


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I thought I was making such "mental" progress, dealing "well" with losing Robert. What I mean by that is I was getting out of bed each day (not always with a smile on my face by any means) and taking care of Alex, etc. For some reason, the last few days have been awful. I've been unable to get Robert's face out of my mind the last few days of his life when he was so confused and scared. A certain event just plays over and over in my mind. I also think about the period between 7/9 - 7/14 constantly which is more than depressing. I broke down the other night thinking Alex was in bed but, unfortunately, he heard me. I hate that - I don't mind if he sees my crying but not wailing and doubled over.

I need to know why this happened to my family? I need to know why such a GREAT man was taken from this earth. I'm working myself until near exhaustion each day just trying to stay ahead of the horrible images. The only relief is when I take my Ambien and pass out. My anger towards our oncologist's nurse is growing as well. I had pointed out a lump to her on Robert's back and she said it was a "fatty" cell. Bit..h. I wish I could take something away from her too. So damn arrogant and what makes it so bad is she got backed up by the doctor when I confronted him - he said, well, she's been with me for 15 years...


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I dont understand it either. None of it. I am not a great person, but when people talk about what goes around comes around, it makes me mad because I never did anything to desreve this and your Robert didn't either. I know who you are talking about and I hate them too.

So I guess I am no help to you. I am only a reminder. Pls know my heart aches for you and all you have been through.


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Dear Joni, I sure don't have any wise answers, and there are lots of others who have been where you are here and can probably give you better comfort, but I wanted to say my heart aches for you, and that you need time to begin to figure out how to go on with your life and keep your Dear Roberts memory alive for Alex. None of us really understands this stuff, and I can't imagine how angry it must make you when you think of the things that might have helped if they had not been overlooked! Please know you are in my prayers, as is Alex, and I will stop right now and say a specific one for you to feel God's support and comfort today.



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My heart breaks for you and for Alex.

Just know you are not alone in what you are going through. Many of us here have and still are trying to work through the pain that comes with losing our husbands and wives. Time has a way of easing the pain even though it never goes away.

Be kind to yourself. Alex probably understands more than you give him credit for. I know it hurts when you feel like you are suppose to be the strong one, but our kids will see right though us and know we are hurting no matter what age they are. Even my grandson can tell when Nana is having one of those days and just needs an extra hug. Alex will forgive you even though there is nothing to be forgiven for. You don't need forgiveness for missing Robert so. Alex misses him too and probably cries like you do too when he thinks you don't see him. You can't hide that your heart is broken and that you will forever miss Robert, and Alex will miss his Dad.

Give yourself permission to grieve. It is okay.

You have been and will continue to be in my prayers.


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Get a plactic bucket and draw a face on it. Print the name of the person who has upset you the most on that bucket. Put some water in the said bucket. Put on a pair of heavy shoes. Run up to the bucket as fast as you can and hall off and kick it as hard as you can. Then, stand back and watch that suckr fly. I promise it will help



Do not attempt this inside. Do this outside. If you try this inside your house, it will make an awlful mess

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I ache for you. I haven't been where you are, but I have been through a time when my whole world disintegrated overnight. The phrase that best described it was "the dark night of the soul." I remember the pain that blotted out everything else. I remember mornings lying in bed and thinking, "How in the world am I going to find the strength to stand up?" When I finally talked myself into standing up, I felt overwhelmed by the idea of taking a shower and dressing. I had to talk to myself each step just to do basic things. Nothing came effortlessless, nothing.

Be assured that you are doing all the right things. Your life will get better. Unfortunately, sometimes in life you have to do what you are doing -- just keep moving and endure the unendurable. Nothing helps much, and nothing makes it go away. You have times -- sometimes only brief moments -- when there is relief, then the pain comes back. But day by day, step by step, you will get through this. You will laugh easily again. You will feel contentment again. You will sing along with the radio again. You will look forward to things again.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this.


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Joni I see your pain and I feel it. I have been where you are. It has been nearly two years sense Johnny's death and still there are days when I lose control totaly. Those times don't come as often as they did neither does the deep depression but they do still come. I have learned that the only way to deal with my pain is to live life one minute at a time. I try to take the most I can from every second. If it is the pleasure of a blue sky or a bird's song I hold it for as long as I can. I don't dream or think about tomorrow because that is just to frightening. Why waste time thinking about tomorrow when I see no hope there. There is hope and life in each minute and once that minute is gone it will never return. We have learned how quickly life can rob us of our dreams and those we love. So now there is only this minute who knows how many others there will be?

Anger has been my greatest problem to overcome. I have in turn been angry at God, myself, Johnny's kids and fate. Slowly I have been able to lose most of that anger but that is something I have had to work at very hard. I know that my anger hurts no one but me. The mistakes and actions that took Johnny from me can never be undone. I know that and I know too that the ones responsible never think about what they did. It doesn't bother them only me. Being angry gets us no where but deeper into tha pit that is so hard to claw our way out of.

Life is cruel and very often unfair. No one knows why it is that way but we all know it is. We have seen too much evidence of that to deny it. I have tried to find the answers. I have asked why a million times but still I don't know nor do I understand. I have come to accept that there are questions that we will never have answered. I just haven't learned how to quit asking them any more than you have. I still want to see justice but doubt that I ever will. That doesn't mean that the people who made my Johnny's last days a living hell won't suffer their own hell on Earth. Maybe they will and no one will ever be aware that they do. I am still angry enough to hope that they do even tho I know that is not the Christian way to think. I know too that God knows my heart and understands. He is much more forgiving than I am.

Be kinder to yourself. Grief is not something to hide or be ashamed of. It is an expression of deep love. It can't be denied any more than the love can. You have a son who loves you and shares the memories of your Robert. You are so lucky to have that part of Robert live on in him. He may be a child but children have a greater sense of what is than we give them credit for. What ever you do that comes from your heart is not wrong for him. It would only be wrong if you shut him out of your greif.

Please take care of yourself and allow yourself those feelings. There will come a time when they don't rule your life all of the time. Until then take each minute and hold on to it. Take each memory and see it as a gift a part of Robert that no one can take away from you. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Lillian

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