Ann

Real Church Bloopers... 1. Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help. 2. Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow. 3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. 4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 5. Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study. 6. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. 7. Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper. 8. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. 9. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. 10. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday. 11. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. 12. The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 & 11. 13. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary. 14. 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. 15. The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. 16. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child. and last but not least... 17. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of acetaminophen. Aleve is also called naproxen. Amoxil is also called amoxicillin and Advil is also called ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadud, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix and, of course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously, we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails, "highballs," and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink." Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of "MOUNT & DO."

I would love for each and every one of you to be here with me to experience a live launch of the space shuttle from the Kennedy Space Center. It's truly an amazing feeling to feel and hear the ground rumble as that huge bird takes flight.

Each one of us have something special we would love for others to see. What is really neat in your area?? (Parks, camps, food, shopping, animals, historical, etc.)

FUN FACTS: In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb".

Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Saul Dumbrowsky's Chinese Laundry." "Saul Dumbrowsky?" he muses. "How the heck does that name fit in this area?" So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Saul Dumbrowsky's Chinese Laundry?" The old man answers, "Is name of owner." The tourist asks, "Where is the owner?" "Me, is right here," replies the old man. "How did you ever get a name like Saul Dumbrowsky?" "Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from Poland. Lady look at him and go, What your name? He say, Saul Dumbrowsky" "Then she look at me and go, What your name?" "I say, Sem Ting."

Only in Texas my friends.... Only in Texas .... Too bad...... A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston Texas. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense. The deputy says," License and registration, please." "What for?" says the lawyer. The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop," Says the deputy. " License and registration, please." The lawyer says, "What's the difference?" "The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." "That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says. At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

So very sorry that your MIL isn't doing well. I know how hard it is for your SIL to accept that treatment may not be realistic right now. Hopefully, your MIL and FIL will be able to decide if treatment is the right option for now. I will be remembering your MIL and family in prayers.

Sorry your Dad is having these issues. I think the metallic taste is fairly common, although very annoying. I kept my husband tanked full of Gatorade and that seemed to help quinch the dry mouth and thirst.

Even Pot Luck Dinners need appetizers, so I will definitely be bringing my Buffalo Chicken Dip. I have yet to make this dish when there has been even one bite left!!! Everything sounds yummy so far. Come on y'all...let's get cooking for this dinner!!!

SOCIAL SECURITY sex Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh,nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!" LOUD sex A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem,doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is,"she complained, "it wakes me up!" QUIET sex Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!" CONFOUNDED sex A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for small, $6,500 for medium, or $14,000 for large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The doctor left the room so the man could call his wife on the phone and explained their options. When he came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen." WEDDING ANNIVERSARY sex A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'" WOMEN'S HUMOROUS sex My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknob. He couldn't get back in. ELDERLY sex One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment .. Killing him instantly. Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex .. He could fly."

Melinda, I am so very sorry that things are so tough right now. Having been there, I know how hard this is for you right now. You are the one that your husband shares all of his emotions with, good or bad. Just remember that he is in pain and is scared. I am so glad that you called the doctor for breakthrough pain meds. Reducing the pain should help a lot. Just be strong and remember that we're all here for you.

Teresa, I'm so sorry!!! Crystal sounded like such a wonderful friend. I have had pets all of my life and each time I lose one, my heart is broken. To me, pets are not just "animals." They are true friends that love us unconditionally. I know that this sweet little friend brought mountains of joy into your life. Although you will miss her terribly, I know you are glad that she is no longer in pain. My heart hurts for you!!!

Hi Nova. Welcome to our family. I am so very sorry to hear that your husband is battling this terrible disease. As a wife that has expereinced this, my heart reaches out to you. This board helped me through so very many dark days. The love, support and information you recieve her is priceless. By the way, I live in Florida. I live near Melbourne, on the east coast. Please let me know if you would like to talk. I'm a pretty good listener.

Kimberly...so very sorry to read about your Dad's passing. I'm thinking of you as you go through these rough days ahead.

This does sound familiar to me. When Dennis was ill, there was so much stress and tension that we were both feeling. Sometimes, our feelings would just build up, like a pressure cooker, and steam would have to be released. I had to smile at the cleaning issue. I can tell you that my house was spotless when Dennis was ill. I found that constant cleaning was a good way for me to release a lot of my feelings. Just know that this is a very difficult time for your folks. They do love each other and have to work through things in ways that work for them.

I think this is a wonderful thing you are doing in honor of your mom. It sounds like you are putting a great team together. I'm so glad your dad witll be there with you!!! Good luck!!!

Wow, these things always amaze me. I'm the absolute worst at math anyway and when I see these things, it blows me away.

72% Dixie here. Hey...I thought I was 100% up till now.

I got a lot of smiles from this one, Geri!!!

Neat...I really liked this. Yours too, Becky Snowflake...lol!

Let's say you have been invited to a Pot Luck Dinner. What dish will you bring???

(((((((((Loretta)))))))) I certainly know the exact feelings you are experiencing right now. I went through the same thing. In addition to being my husband and best friend, Dennis was the one that always knew just what to do in almost any situation, especially a crisis. I missed having him to share with and also missed having him to lean on. During this period of his illness, is when I really became a strong person, ready to fight a hungry lion. I'm thinking of you and remembering both you and your husband in my prayers. If you need to talk, please PM me.

I am so very sorry. Please remember that we are here for you.

I have to say that I have always gotten along fairly well with my relatives. I even got along with my in-laws while Dennis was alive. But, since he's been gone, the relationship with my in-laws has been a disaster!