Ann

As some of you may have read from previous posts, my youngest son graduated from college this weekend. This son is intelligent and was always identified in school as a "high potential" student. But...his lack of motivation combined with his "laid back" attitude often worried Dennis and I. One of Dennis's dreams was to see him graduate from college. It was a major milestone for Dennis. I was so upset that Dennis would not be able to be with us (in body) for this occasion. Like any proud mom, I took many pictures. I usually use my digital camera but decided to pull out my old faithful Canon 35mm with a zoom lens for this special occasion, as it takes excellent photos. When I was gathering up my two rolls of film this morning to be developed, I noticed a used roll of film in my camera bag that I didn't remember. Well, when I picked up the pictures a couple of hours ago, I was speechless. There, right on the top of the stack, was a really good picture of Dennis. I could immediately tell from the picture, that it had been taked after he was diagnosed. He had lost weight and had experienced significant hair loss. The look on his face even seemed to shop pain. When I looked closer at the pictures, I realized that I didn't recognize the kitchen the picture was taken in. I knew it wasn't mine. Well, after showing the picture to my oldest son, we realized it was taken in his kitchen but....it was his kitchen in Nashville. My son and DIL lived in Nashville while he was a law student at Vanderbilt! Now the clincher....my son graduated in 2000 from law achool and then moved immediately back to Florida! This roll of film had been in my bag all this time...????? I can honestly tell you this picture is of the way Dennis looked approximately 3 months prior to his death in December 2002, over two years after my son left Nashville. I don't think I am losing my mind but how can this be???? By the way, this was the only picture on that entire roll of film I dropped off!!!!

This is heartbreaking news! I am so saddened to hear of TBone's passing. I have been thinking of your sister's post about TBone being ready to embark on this wonderful fishing trip. My heart is just broken for you and all of TBone's family!

Tess, I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. I am so glad you were by his side and the the moon was shining down upon him. Being able to hold his hand as his soul passed from this world to another is something very beautiful and special that will eventually give you a great feeling of peace. I was able to be there with Dennis until the end, holding his hand, and I can't tell you how much that means to me now. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!

Don, I am so very saddened to hear of your mother's passing. I pray that you will somehow find peace and comfort in these next days to come. Remember that your LC Support family is here for you and is feeling your pain and sorrow.

Happy Birthday, Dean!!! Hope you and Gay enjoy a very special day together! On this day, a very wonderful and wise man was brought into this world....YOU!!!!! I just admire your strength and courage so very much!!!!!

Thanks for this posting Becky!!! I just loved Erma and so her fun writings!!!

Sorry to hear you are feeling so poorly, Ray. I surely hope the change in meds makes a big difference...and fast!!!! Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!!!!

Tess, I am praying for both you and Rob right now. I am praying that God will allow Rob to remain pain free during this journey and that He will grant you peace and strength. Yes, I certainly agree that 49 is certainly to leave this earth. My Dennis had just celebrated his 50th birthday when he lost his courageous battle against this monster!!! My thoughts and prayers are with you during this terrible time!

Well, I can add my two cents on a couple of things here. Dennis was very fortunate to have a very kind and compassionate oncologist that always took all the time we needed to ask questions or just to chat! He was one of those men that really let it get to him when things weren't going well. He was a very big man...very tall. His staff and patients called him the "teddy bear." On the other side of the coin, there were issues that were complete nightmares. I would always go with Dennis for appointments and for treatment. It's amazing the things they can let slip up when someone is not there to keep them on their toes. Like Don, I have had to tell the chemo nurses what meds Dennis was supposed to have on certain days. When they would double check, they would find I was correct. This is scary!!! Also, we have had to wait for appointments...sometimes for long periods of time. but I feel the quality of care we were receiving from Dr. Kayalah was well worth every minute we waited to see him!!!! He always treated Dennis as a very special man rather than just a statistic!!!!

Hey Becky.....I, for one, think you're pretty cool just the way you are!!! Hey...didn't Billy Joel do a song about that???? I think that everyone on this board is a changed person because of that monster under the bed. I know that I am very changed and I'm not sure that is all together a bad thing. Of course, I would rather have Dennis back and be the "old me" than to be without him and have this new "I can get through this" strength! Anyway...just a strong vote of reassurance here....I think you are super just as you are!!!

I am so glad you posted the words to this song. I had been wanting to do this but it kept slipping my mind. Everytime I hear this song, my eyes tear up. There were so many things that Dennis wanted to do after his diagnosis that he wasn't able to do. You see, Dennis never asked the doctor how much time he had. I did asked but never shared the dismal answer of only a few months with Dennis. You could have knocked his oncologist over with a feather when, in September (only 3 months prior to his death) Dennis asked the oncologist if he could go ahead and plan his annual hunting trip to Colorado. The doctor's eyes immediately shifted to mine and I shook my head. The doctor then did some really quick thinking. He said "the cancer in your spine has us very worried about spinal cord compression. The jolt from the rifle could paralyze you." Then, Dennis also thought quickly and said he'd use a different gun. Then the doctor asked how he would get to the camp,high in the Rocky mountains. Dennis replied that he would go on horseback. This was another problem with the doctor, as he told Dennis the horses could have ticks and Dennis had no immune system strong enough to fight off this type of infection. Once again, Dennis had a plan. Finally, after 20 minutes of back and forth, Dennis looked at me with his huge brown eyes and said..."Well, maybe you can just drive me out for a week." Well, I regret to this day that I didn't do that! I was so wrapped up in chemo treatments and worrying about how I would handle it if became really ill while we were traveling that I denied Dennis his real last wish! I should have been more realistic about the situation and have seen how fast he was declining! I should have then stopped the treatments and let him live the remainder of his life as he wished, while he had the strength to do so! So, this song stirs all of those memories in me each time I hear it.

Yell...Karen...Yell!!! You can even yell louder if you like!!! We've got broad shoulders and lots of understanding here! It's good to know I'm good for something...even if it is a sounding board!!!!

Joni, I all too well know how it feels riding on those waves. I think I have gotten to the point where I just "bob" along and let the waves take me where they will. Dennis and I also enjoyed our evenings together. Some people miss the nice quiet times but we never had too many of those. Dennis was a plumbing contractor and it seemed he was always on the phone setting up schedules and returning calls he didn't get to during the day. I miss that! I miss the noise and the chuckles, as Dennis was always laughing! The quiet is what drives me out of my mind. My house has never been quiet...until now! I'm have to share my experiences with you regarding "going away." Most here have said they are glad and think it's a good thing. After I lost Dennis, leaving the house was very hard for me. I would feel so good when I walked out the door, almost like I was leaving pain and bad times behind. But, then when I was out the driveway, I couldn't wait to get back inside the house. That house was where I felt closest to Dennis and that is where I wanted to be. There are still times that I feel I have to be at home....just because my best memories are there. I hope you find peace and are able to relax and enjoy time with Alex. I know this is all so hard for him to understand! Hell, this damned disease is even hard for me to understand and I'm an old lady!!!!

So verrrrrrrry good to get a report on you! Sounds like you're doing as usual and living life to the fullest!!! I have always admired your attitude and so wish there were more people around that think like you do! I thoroughly understand how entertaining watching those two cats can be! Double that number to 4 and imagine what my house is like! There was an article in our newspaper today about a lady that has 53 cats in her house. I'm taking this opportunity to send HAPPY BIRTHDAY wishes your way and hoping you'll feel up to taking a scooter ride and celebrating at that favorite buffet restaurant that you and Gay enjoy so much!!!!!

My heart is breaking for you and your family! You are all in my thoughts and prayers. Maybe TBone and my Dennis will be able to do some fishing together, as that is what Dennis loved to do the most!!! I am praying that TBone's boat will stay in dock and he will not make that journey for many years to come!

Joni, although you don't understand what is happening to you right now and can't understand how you are operating so efficiently, I can assure you that your behavior is completely normal. You have been conditioning yourself for quite sometime now and have been preparing yourself for this point. I'm sure you weren't aware that was happening but your body was gearing up to be in a self-defensive mode. We don't (and probably never will) completely know how the human mind and body works but I can tell you that it is amazing. You are in charge of things right now and you want to make sure that everything is done "properly." I'm sure you are taking care of things as Robert would have done things himself. I don't know about everyone else, but when Dennis died I felt as if he had become a part of me. For the 25 years we were together, we were a couple....two people, in love, living a life together. When he died, I felt as if we were truly one person. When faced with a decision I had to make, I would stop and think of what Dennis would have done. I really like Curtis's idea of a WWBD (what would Becky do) bracelet. That is really how I continue to think....WWDD? I remember the days just after Dennis's death. I remember feeling guilty because I was alive and he was dead. I remember feeling guilty because I wasn't wailing and screaming with pain. But....those days did come, in time. They will come for you, too. Weeks...ever months later....I had days that I cried all day. I would tear up everytime I saw something or someone who reminded me of Dennis. Joni...those days still do happen and it's been 19 months now! God and your body are caring for you right now and are helping you to cope and get done the things you need to attend to! Don't think you're not normal in the way you are handling this. Everyone grieves in different ways. Keeping you tightly in my thoughts and prayers.....

A big hooray for second opinions. Sounds like you have a very agressive and optomistic doctor in your corner now!!! I will certainly keep you on my prayer list!!!!!

So sorry to hear of all you and your family are going through. Hospice does not mean the end, nor is it a reason to lose hope. Although you say your family is divided on several issues regarding your father's care, I know there is one thing you all have in common ...you do not want him to be in severe pain. You need to have him under the care of someone or some organization that can help to manage his pain and keep him comfortable. If I were in your shoes, I would talk to my oncologist and ask him to shoot straight with you regarding your fathers options at this time. My advice would be to contact hospice, if your doctor recommends this. When our doctor saw that Dennis's pain level was becoming intolerable and that he was hardly eating or drinking, he suggested Hospice. Keep in mind that it is your decision to make as a family. I can assume your father does not want to be an inpatient at the hospital, based on your post. I know this is a very distressing time for your family right now. Please try and keep your mother's feelings in mind right now, as well as your dad's. I'll be remembering your dad and your family in my prayers.

Candy, it is so great to hear from you. Glad you are managing to keep it all together. Please stay in touch, as we all miss you!

Great news Margaret and David/Karen!!!! This news gives me my first big smile of the day!!!! I sure know what you mean about the roller coaster ride.

Good idea Lil. I still need to do that myself. Someone had mentioned the fact that they thought that area was only for "survivors" and their stories. Well, if those of us that have lost a loved one and made it through in one piece can't be considered "survivors" then I don't understand!!!! I will definitely tell my story soon. The time just has to be right! Thanks so much for the great suggestion. I'm sure it will be evry beneficial to many!!!

People never cease to amaze me!!!! Why in the world can they not see what you are dealing with right now ??? There are so many people in this world that lack sensitivity and it seems like you know a few of them!!! Just hang on tight and take big, deep breaths as you go along on this journey!!! I would just smile and reply..."Yes, of course we still have those things." Luck to ya!!!!

I think the idea of a Mother's Ring is wonderful!!! I also like your idea of writing a long letter. Sometimes it is hard to express our feelings with our loved ones when we know what they are experiencing as they fight this terrible disease. I think it is often much easier to write our feelings than it is to speak them. And...your Mom will have that letter to read over again and again when she needs a lift!!!!!

What a time you are having, Ginny!!! Someone earlier said that it's the "simple little procedures" that always seem to be the biggest headaches. Anyway, glad you're feeling better and back on your feet. I'm also so very glad to hear that the Duke is having a good day and is up in his chair....even if he is sleeping!!!

So very sorry to learn of the loss of your daughter. Although I have lost a husband, I have no idea the deep pain you must be experiencing from the loss of a child. May God help you find peace!!!!