nikkala

1.. GRAB A CALCULATOR. (YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO DO THIS ONE IN YOUR HEAD). 2.. KEY IN THE FIRST THREE DIGITS OF YOUR PHONE NUMBER (NOT THE AREA CODE). 3.. MULTIPLY BY 80. 4.. ADD 1. 5.. MULTIPLY BY 250. 6.. ADD THE LAST 4 DIGITS OF YOUR PHONE NUMBER. 7.. ADD THE LAST 4 DIGITS OF YOUR PHONE NUMBER AGAIN! 8.. SUBTRACT 250. 9.. DIVIDE NUMBER BY 2.

Saying extra prayers for you Beth.

SITTING BEHIND A COUPLE OF NUNS AT A BASEBALL GAME (WHOSE HABITS PARTIALLY BLOCKED THE VIEW), THREE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS IN AN EFFORT TO GET THEM TO MOVE. IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH, THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE." THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA, THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE." THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO, THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE." ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET, CALM, VOICE SAID, "WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL ... THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE."

HAHAHA Good One.

Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color forall seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier

Cindi, I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and will say an extra prayer just for you. Let us know how everything goes.

Now there is one more Angel watching over us all. May Betty rest in peace.

Have You Drank Too Much When............. You lose arguments with inanimate objects. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. You are unhappy when you realise you have two hands, but only one mouth. You have to hold onto the ground to stop your self falling off the earth. Your job is interfering with your drinking. The car park has moved while you were in the pub. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in. Flies get a buzz after biting you. You can focus better with one eye closed. 4 beers have as many calories as a burger, so you decide to forget lunch.

I am so sorry Kel. Sending big hugs.

I'm so sorry Mary.

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 4 kids each for six weeks. Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes. There is no fast food. Each man must take care of his 4 kids; keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of "pretend" bills with not enough money. In addition...each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week. Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a dentist appointment, and an appointment for a haircut. He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function. Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside and keep it presentable at all times. The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done. There is only one TV between them. Each father will be required to know all of the words to every stupid song that comes on TV and the name of each and every repulsive character on cartoons. The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, which they will apply themselves either while driving or making four lunches. They must adorn themselves with jewelry, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep their nails polished and eyebrows groomed. During one of the six weeks, they will have to endure severe stomach cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties. They must attend weekly PTA meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting. He will need to pray with the children each night, bathe them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair each morning by 7:00. A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: *each child's birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor's name. Also the child's weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labor, each child's favorite color, middle name, favorite snack, favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up. They must clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m. and then spend the remainder of the day tending to that child and waiting on them hand and foot until they are better. Each man will have to make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas. The kids vote them off the island based on performance. The last man wins only if...he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moments notice. If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again for the next 18-25 years...eventually earning the right to be called Mother!

Sending thoughts and prayers.

What a beautiful tribute to your dear ((MOM)) How proud you must be.

Oh Kelly, I wish I could just give you a great big hug. I lost my mom 10 yrs ago to this crappy disease and I know exactly the feelings you are having. I would call the hospice, they usually have bereavement support groups and it can really help. What helped me the most was I started a journal and would write to my mom all the things I wished I could call her and say. I would tell her how mad I was she was gone and how scared I was. Please look into the book "motherless daughters". Hang in there girl and know you're not alone.

Wow Frank, I can only hope if I ever face the fight you have I have the strength and courage you have. You are such an inspiration. Many prayers for you and Connie.

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb? 1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb? 2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. 3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp! 4. Rottweiler: Make me. 5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark. 6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please! 7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation. 8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture. 9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb. 10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. 11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. 12. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there ... 13. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares? 14. New Zealand Sheep Dog: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle... 15. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. The Cat's Answer: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

Praying for Betty to find peace. Please go to www.gratefulness.org and light a candle for ((Betty))

A little girl and boy at school sharing their lunch; "Tommy" she says. "I'm not eating anymore chicken sandwiches" "Why" he asked "Cause I'm starting to grow feathers down there" pointing just below her tummy "I dont believe you " he said "you'll have to show me" Behind the shed they went, where the inspection took place "your right " he said. "I've been eating a lot of chicken too perhaps I'm getting feathers?" "well I'd better have a look" she said. After a lengthy examination, she looked up and said. "Oh I think its too late for you. You've got the neck and the giblets too!!"

Hi Kim, My uncle had this procedure a few weeks ago and it has been very successful. He has a tumor in the esophagus that was bleeding when he would eat and now seems to be eating better without having so much internal bleeding. Hope this helps. Best of luck to your Mom.

There was a man who had worked all of his life, >had >saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his >money. Just >before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take >all my >money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the > >afterlife with me." > >And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when >he >died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. > >Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was >sitting >there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they >finished the >ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, >the wife >said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her; she came over with >the box >and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, >and >they rolled it away. > >So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't foolish enough to put >all that >money in there with your husband." > >The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I can't go back on >my >word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket >with him." > >"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?" > >"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my >account >and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

Thinking of you ((Betty)) Saying extra prayers for you. Hope you can check in soon.

HAHAHA!!! I love it.

Thinking of you Jen and praying you find the strength to keep fighting.

Melanie, Hospice was a Godsend to me and my family when my Gram was going thru this. I am certain it will help you and your Hubby. Sending prayers for strength to keep fighting.

While my Gram chose no treatment she found her cigs to be a comfort to her and I could understand as I still smoke even after losing half my family to LC and having lung nodules discovered myself. I have quit several times this year already. But I am indeed an ADDICT. I am sorry you were judged for your own personal decision