MomsGirl

Missy- My husband has lost both of his parents, and he felt the same way. And yes, his family tree seemed to just fall apart. Your parents are your link that draws your siblings together, their "being" is what keeps all of those past transgressions, the quirks that annoy you, etc. about your siblings in check. It seems that once they are gone things can just implode. I find that so sad. I'm sorry that you are feeling this way, it is so painful. Thinking of you...

Oh, Kim, I am so sorry. Even though nothing on the outside has changed, I've been kind of mad inside at my dad about things he did (or didn't do) when my mom was sick, etc...but your post gave me a little jolt back into reality. It just utterly sucks that you are going through this, my thoughts are with you.

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your precious dad. I loved your pictures, what an illustration of the wonderful family you have. His pride and love is so obvious. My thoughts and sympathy are with you...

Hi everyone,I'm sorry (once again) I haven't been posting too much. I HAVE been checking in, though, and thinking of everyone as I always do. I am so incredibly overwhelmed with my mommy duties - my husband doesn't get home until 7:30 every night and the house is falling apart around my ears. I don't have enough hours in the day to get anything done. And my little seven-month-old man is very much a momma's boy, doesn't like to be ignored for a minute. Or should I say he is a NANA'S boy...he is so feisty like my mom was. I can still hear his crying ringing in my ears...with the sounds of my older kids fighting in the background. I'm sure many of you can relate... Anyway, the first anniversary of losing my mom is coming up, and I just can't believe it..sort of. I don't know if any of you have experienced this...but I feel like my mom is down a long hallway, and just keeps getting further and further away. It's so hard to explain - I never thought I would have to - God, this is SO hard to put into words. It's so devastating to me. I'll try, though. I feel like my mom is really gone now, like my life WITH her in this world isn't so immediate anymore. I don't expect her to walk through the door like I used to. And I hate it. It makes me sad and angry all over again. I miss her so much, and this "new normal", as some put it, actually seems to make the pain more intense, and serves to increase my anger that she was taken from us. My kids are moving on, I am trying to keep their memories alive and we talk about her all the time, but how much of that now is from photos, and me talking? They were 5 and 3 when we lost her. She was SUCH a huge part of their lives. And Conor, the baby - he is hitting the stage where I have such incredible memories of my mom and I enjoying my first born boy, Kyle. God how we loved sharing him and all of his cuddliness, new tricks and his discovery of the world around him. She was so in tune with him she was like another mom to him. Once again, I am so pissed off that she is gone. He will never, ever know her. I feel like I will never ever ever be whole again. And I am desperate to keep her with me, which is why this is killing me. I just want my mommy, I want to be her daughter again, for real, not in the past. Guess I just need to know if this is normal, this distance that is happening and the pain that goes with it... Hugs to all.

Missy, I am so, so sorry for the loss of your precious mom...my heart is broken for you. My prayers are being sent your way...

Katie, I can't stop laughing about your post. That is SO funny... My two sisters and my mom had just started a new tradition in the last few years - we would all have a "girls" weekend at the beach in the fall. The hotel we picked on the second trip (right before we found out she was sick) had free wine and cheese in the lobby every afternoon. The hotel was almost empty because it was late November at the beach. My mom was by no means a big drinker, and she was a tiny little person...well, we went down to the lobby to have a glass of wine, and within a half hour my mom was feeling no pain. Tired of the back and forth to get more wine, she finally marched over to our seating area with the entire tray of carafes. The desk clerk shot her a look but my mom just breezed on by. "C'mon, girls, one more glass!" Next thing you know the carafes are empty and we are up in our room just having a little fun, I thought. Next thing you know hotel security is knocking on the door to tell us (esp. my mom) that we are being too loud and there has been a complaint from next door. My mom was pretty feisty but ALWAYS a lady...but oh, she was she having too much fun and did NOT want to be told otherwise. While glaring at the door next to our room, she starting loudly asking the poor security guy what kind of "FUDDY DUDDY" (who USES that word?) would call security on us at 6:00 at night, etc. etc. I know it sounds terrible, but my sisters and I were in absolute stitches, and we realized what a great tradition this trip was becoming, just so spontaneous and fun. We rode her the rest of the weekend about it as she nursed her headache. We never got to do another trip with her. But how I will cherish those few memories.... My cell phone stopped working right after she passed away and the phone store was unable to save all the pictures I snapped during that weekend - I cried right in front of the poor store employee... Another memory that always makes me smile and tear up is watching the post-delivery video of my son Kyle's birth (my mom and Kyle were soulmates). The camera is panning around and the nurses are cleaning him up, etc...and amid all the chaos and happy voices you can hear my mom's voice whispering over and over "Oh, Michele, look at him, he is PERFECT. Just PERFECT." In all the pictures of her holding him that day she has wet red eyes b/c she wept tears of joy. I have never seen her more moved than at that moment she met him, even though she already had 12 grandchildren. It was magical. Thank you, Melinda.

Hi Val - I know I've been MIA but I guess I just needed a little break from the reminder of LC. Hard time lately. A bit selfish, I know...I think of everyone often. I have been thinking about you and wondering if the baby had come - congratulations on your sweet Abbie! And I'm sorry you're just having one of those bad days, this is such a difficult time. Giving birth and having a newborn around without your mom...I know how hard it is. Very bittersweet. And it's an adjustment for all of you when a second one comes into the mix - probably partially accounts for the sudden sleep stoppage, etc. Sharing Mommy is a new and sometimes confusing thing for the firstborn... Just a little story - I was so exhausted in those first weeks after giving birth, nursing around the clock and trying to give attention to my other kids. I remember one day I spent forever pumping breastmilk (sorry guys)and the bottle just slipped out of my hand into a houseplant. I got down on my hands and knees and looked in the plant, looked all around it, and NOTHING. No bottle in sight, it was like this thing just disappeared. I just sat back and started crying and said "Mom, this is ridiculous, I can't do this..." (meaning all of it) and at that moment the bottle dropped right out of the plant onto the rug. I looked up and said "Thanks, Mom..." To this day I have no idea where it was - it's not like this was a giant plant. It's kind of funny when you picture the scene...and my mom and I would often get the giggles when we were together. I really felt that she was with me at that moment. I am sending you hugs and I hope that you find love and comfort in your beautiful little girls. The baby will help you go on, she needs you so. I know that it's bittersweet, though...hang in there. Love, Michele

(((Cheryl))) I know, Easter was a shell of a holiday without our moms. And I totally agree with the cemetery thing - I never thought I would feel that way, I thought it bring me some connection...and it does on some small level, I guess...but you're right, she's just not there.... I'm glad the pain lessened for you, even just a small amount...

Oh, Randy, I hurt for you. Bless your Daisy...

(((( Nick ))))... What you wrote about your mom being fun and you guys having fun together - it just shines through in your picture. I thought from the first time I saw it that she looks like quite a character, with a gleam in her eye...and you guys look like you are both up to something! My husband had the same kind of relationship with his mom, and oh, does he miss her. They gave each other such hard time and cracked each other up. There is a mystical connection between a mother and son anyway (my firstborn and I are so bonded)...and if you are blessed enough to have that level of humor and love, well, it doesn't get much better. I understand your pain over having children, you so want to share her with them, and vice versa. Yes, it will be bittersweet, but I PROMISE you that they will bring you such joy and they will ease your pain. I think that your natural protective instincts and overwhelming love you feel the minute your first baby is born will strengthen you, I really do. I hope that tomorrow is a better day...I feel your pain...

Thank you everyone. It's so comforting to have people that just get it...and thank you so much for sharing. I think I took a little piece of everyone's post and thought how much we all have in common... Katie- your dream about buying new clothes - wow, that is really telling. Giving away the clothes was one of the hardest things, and such proof that she wasn't coming back... Thank you so much for sharing that. Lori - Craving..such an appropriate word. Just desperately wanting for her to appear... Jen - thank you for easing my guilt and doubt over the whole heaven thing...although I wish I was someone of unquestioning faith, it make it so much easier... Libby - Reading that your mom is fighting this beast just made me so happy and hopeful. I am thinking of her right now and cheering her on.... Deborah- It seems we are in the same place right now - your avatar says it all - the pain of losing a mom AND the grandmother to your precious children... Cheryl - I actually laughed out loud reading about the chocolate egg hidden in her hair - what a wonderful, fun grandmother she was...thank you for sharing that. Karen - Your quote about the "lightness of being" - that hit it right on the head. I immediately e-mailed my sisters with that after I read it. Yes, that quote is it, my feelings exactly... Kim - Dearest Kim, you obviously had SUCH a special relationship with your mom, I so feel your pain... "Yellowbow" - I don't think the dog thing is dumb at all, it makes total sense...and I'm so glad you have them to comfort you in this saddest of times... Trish - I can't believe your mom did that last year -God, our moms were just so amazing sometimes I feel like I could never come close to being as wonderful and thoughtful, either as a mom, or as a grandmother some day.... Again, thank you guys so much for responding to my long post, it did help me. I guess I just keep wondering when I will accept this for what it is, this pain always seems to be lingering behind closed doors in my heart, and a few times a day it jumps out and just burns me like a hot poker. Today it was in the car when Rod Stewart's "Have I Told You Lately" came on...I've always thought of my mom when I hear that song, since it came out years ago. Especially the part that says "You fill my heart with gladness, you take away all my sadness, you ease my troubles, that's what you do..." God, it just hurts so much...

I'm so very sorry. It sounds like you had such a special love with him. May God watch over you and your children...

The picture of your dad and your daughter is beautiful. Your post brought tears to my eyes - there is nothing harder than saying the I love yous and telling them it's okay to go...but I am so glad you were there and able to do that. Being able to do that with my mom gives me a small measure of comfort in dark times. I'm so very sorry about your dad. Thoughts and prayers being sent to you....

Muffy, I am so, so sorry to hear of your mom. Erin is right, this place is a source of comfort - it is a place you can come and cry and vent and whatever, with no apologies. Be easy on yourself right now, do not feel guilty for feeling what you feel...it is all so normal. I hurt for you. Thoughts are prayers are going out to you tonight...

I can't imagine how hard this time of year is for you. Prayers to you and your wonderful family...

I agree with Nick. I can only pray my kids are so close, you were so blessed. Sending you hugs tonight...

Oh ((((Max))). I am crying as I write this. What a beautiful web page, and the song was amazing.

Oh, my lord, I don't know what to say. I cannot imagine the mental and emotional pain you feel. I am so very sorry for what you are going through... ..This is kind of opposite of what you experienced, but my grandmother passed away from a massive hemmorhage in her throat after surgery (she had a tube in). My mom and uncle sat with her non-stop day and night, she seemed okay, so they finally ducked for ten minutes for a cup of coffee and that's when it happened. They came back from their coffee break, and no one would let them in the room. An orderly came out and said "We just need to get her cleaned up, and then you can see the body..." My mom said "WHAT?" Needless to say, her pain and regret of NOT being there haunted her for the rest of her life. I know this may not give you a shred of comfort, you have endured such a heartbreaking and horrifying experience... You are in my prayers...

Hi everyone- I'm sorry I've been offline, we had a big family event out of town, the kids have been sick, blah, blah. And also I've been reading the posts and feeling such empathy for everyone, but just too down to post...and I feel so guilty for that. I will try to do better... ...how is everyone doing with the whole Spring/Easter/rebirth thing? I thought it would help me out, but it's just made me despondent all over again. I called my dad (who's been on a roadtrip for a month) to see if my mom's dogwood trees and azaleas were in bloom...he of course had no clue. My mom loved those trees and it took her years to get them to bloom...last year one was hit by lightning in a freak storm and broke almost in half and she was so sick from the chemo...she just sat at the kitchen table and cried, which she rarely did...I remember such a feeling of foreboding, like it was sign. Within a week they had found the brain mets and she was gone six weeks later. I thought Winter would be terrible but it matched my mood and allowed me to hibernate, and I had a newborn baby to do it with...now with all the beauty around me...and my baby, my children and nature just blossoming and growing, I am feeling the finality and pain of this so much more. Where are the "signs"? The "feeling that she is with me"? She is just GONE. Gone. I thought I believed in the afterlife and all that, now I just don't know. I know I will go to church on Easter Sunday and feel like a fraud. And do the memories comfort me? Um, no. They hurt. They make me feel so much more what I am missing. I so admire people that can take the good stuff about their loved one, the memories and good times, and live with that...will that ever happen in my own head? Also, is it just me, or does losing your mom just cause such a change in your family that it makes your head spin and your heart break when you think about it? My sisters and I keep things going to a degree...but there has not been a year since my mom became a grandmother (1978) that we have not had an egghunt for the kids at my parents' house, and an Easter meal. Even last year, my mom came out wrapped in a blanket and watched. This year my sister has already made plans to go to the beach, I'm not sure what my other sister is doing - they have older kids, but mine are 6, 3 and 5 months. My little ones are the ones that are missing out. I feel so lost, I know I should start new traditions, but I'm paralyzed. We went to the cemetery today...Arlington National Cemetery. A beautiful national treasure, such an honor to buried there if you have served your country. But if it's your mom, not so much. Tourists everywhere watching you grieve, the blankness of rows of impersonal markers. We did okay for a while, left our illegal plant and cards by the stone (the cemetery is very strict)...then my son and daughter started fighting and finally I got mad and said just said let's go. My son had a breakdown and threw himself on my mom's stone saying he was sorry, saying that he wanted his nana back, that he would never see her again, etc. Then he wanted privacy (at six years old, bless his heart), so I walked the away and let him sit there for a while. (Yes, all you tourists walking by, isn't that cute watching that little boy talking to the headstone...if you dare see that as a photo op I will take your camera and throw it in the ditch) For me, NOT cute, but heartbreaking, watching him cry and tell her all those sad things. I was sick when we left. My poor kids feel the fallout from all of this and I try so hard to be brave for them. That's what my mom would have done. Enough said, I guess. I go about my daily life, I find joy in my children and in every day things..but without my mom I feel so empty. Angry. Sad. Denied. I dream of her at least once a week, and usually I am chasing her and she won't acknowledge me. I wake up crying and I'm just down for the whole day. I know none of this is new, just hoping that it gets better at some point. As others have said, it actually gets harder. Eight months, I can't believe it. I feel like I've been sentenced to life in prison...

I'm so sorry to hear of your dad. Thoughts and prayers to you... There are a few of us here who lost a parent when we were pregnant, please feel free to post or PM if you need support. It helped me when I lost my mom. Your kids are the same age as mine. It's very difficult and bittersweet, I know...

Prayers going out to you tonight, Sonia. I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad...

Don, it sounds like you did exactly what Lucie would have loved you to do. Thinking of you on this night...

Shauna- First let me say my dad just had the same symptom two weeks ago (he was treated for colon cancer last summer). He went in a blind panic to the doctor and the doctor said it's VERY normal. The blood vessels around the rectum are weakened from treatment and this is a normal side effect. I hope this eases your mind a bit, that it probably is just that. Go give your little one a hug and soak in his love...I find that calms me when I feel like I'm losing it. It sounds like your plate is overflowing right now, and I hope things get better soon....

Oh, Kim... ...somehow you come right and say things that are eating away at me, but I'm too wimpy to post. I'm so glad you come to this site and vent your feelings - but seeing your pain and heartache hurts. I'm speechless over the stuff with your stepfather. I cannot imagine the pain that has caused you. My husband's father started dating three weeks after his mom was gone (he was 83) and he was remarried very soon...and then he and his wife had a YARD SALE to get rid of all of his mom's knick knacks and treasured belongings. Then they threw out everything else she'd saved for years - WWII letters, poetry, newspaper clippings, priceless family history. I honestly don't think they were being insensitive on purpose, I think they were just very practical folks...but I was appalled and heartsick for my husband. I know what you mean about people saying things...I'm so tired of hearing how happy I should be that I have wonderful memories to sustain me. Gosh, those memories are what is causing this ongoing pain! And the whole she's in a better place thing, too...I don't know when and if I'll ever believe that, God forgive me. Our moms belong here with us and our children, not lost to us forever as a result of this terrible disease.... And of COURSE you're there for your kids - you obviously had a great role model in your own mom. And yes, they're gonna see you cry - sometimes I feel guilty b/c I feel like if she were in my situation, my mom would have shielded me more and hid her emotions...but I think it's okay that our kids see us cry, b/c we reassure them that we are here for them no matter what. Good lord, they are what keep me going sometimes. I'm sorry, I guess I'm not being too supportive or helpful. I agree with a lot of what you said. I'm glad you posted...hope it helps you get some of that pain and anger out of your system, albeit temporarily. Hang in there...

Had a bad weekend...I find myself projecting to the future and fearing the loss of my family as I know it. And I guess I have to admit to myself, when my mom left this world, that started a chain of events that will inevitably lead to my fears being realized. Either that or I'm very needy and selfish right now and I can't tolerate losing anyone else, in any form. I watched my husband's family implode after his mom died. He went from having this big close family to now almost nothing. It killed me. We are a close family - not my brothers, as much, b/c they live far away - but my sisters and I gathered at my parents' house quite often. I went over at least once a week with my kids. My mom LOVED her grandchildren, and loved babies. She would be going nuts over my four-month-old little boy Conor. I loved sharing them with her. My dad adores the kids as well, but I think out of sight can be out of mind for him. Right now he's on an extended road trip to Florida and called to tell me he may never come back. I hung up the phone and my hands were shaking. He's seen the baby maybe once in the last month. My husband found me crying the other day and I told him it was because the baby just started blowing raspberries (those cute little motor sounds) and he'd rolled over, and I had no one to call. My sisters of course are wonderful and have really stepped in with the kids, but it's not the same. I think as Spring approaches, symbolizing new life and hope, I become more depressed. My mom loved spring and gardening and Easter. My baby is becoming such a little person, every time he laughs or blows bubbles I picture my mom with her face in his neck, just kissing him non-stop. I find myself scrolling through my huge library of digital photos, just torturing myself with all the pictures of Mom and the kids. Rebecca's birthday is coming up next week and my dad will be in Florida...I've never had a birthday for the kids' without both of my parents there. Mom even came last year, as sick as she was from the chemo. Conor's Christening is in April, and that will be devastating without her there. Sorry, everyone, I know that I was blessed to have her for my kids for even a few years. But I need her so much right now. Having three small children is overwhelming at times, and I so want to call her and get her sweet reassurance that I am a good mom, even thought lately I feel like I'm not. I miss her more now than I did six months ago...