MomsGirl

Nick, I can't believe it's been a year, I really can't. I echo everyone's sentiments, your mom sounds like an amazing woman. What can I say, it just sucks. It sucks times a thousand. And more. Yet..try to remember all the great things you did in that month, all the treasured memories you made. Your mom condensed so much love into such a little amount of time. Keep enjoying Keri's pregnancy, take joy from that, it's all such a miracle. Three kids and I am still in awe of the miracle of this process, this creation and growth of a little life. Wait 'til you go to that routine 20-week sonogram..WOW. Your heart will just be pounding and it will all seem so REAL. Little arms and legs waving around, the head and the little round belly... Thinking of you this month...and feeling your pain. Hang in there and know we are here for you.

Amy, I am so very sorry. There are a few of us here on this board who lost our moms when we were pregnant or had just given birth recently. I know how painful it is to have a brand new baby while mourning the loss of your dearest mom. There are so many layers of loss and grief. My thoughts and prayers go out to you tonight...many hugs, too. Love those little ones and let them help you heal...

(((Jill)))... I felt every ounce of your pain reading your e-mail, I could have written it myself a little over a year ago, and I'm so sorry that you are here on this board. I am crying as I write this, your mother sounds so strong and wonderful like mine, always thinking of her family - what a blessing that you all were there holding her hand and easing her passage into Heaven. My heart aches for your loss, though...I know all of us on this board understood everything you said, and the shock and loss you are feeling. I'm so, so sorry - I am sending out prayers and comforting thoughts to you tonight. Hugs...

Missy, all I can say is I know, I know. A friend of mine sent me the following e-mail when I was close to giving birth, and I was mourning the fact that Conor would never meet my mom: "I know you prayed she would see your baby but don't worry she did. All babies have angels to play with until they are born (notice the kicking) and I am 100% definite they introduced your Mom immediately." That made me smile through my tears. Kind of like what you said about the little "smiles" they have. I would always think that it was Mom making him do that, not gas! I'm sorry you are going through this right now, it's so very painful. And have as many pity parties as you want, that's what we're here for. How is Xavier, you mentioned he was in the NICU? I was so excited to realize that he was born already! Congratulations!!!!

Your post made my day. Thanks for sharing...

Trish... I'm trying so hard to take the high road, keep my big mouth closed and stay out of this, but...I just want you to know I get it. The whole thing with your dad, I mean. And yes, you have a right to be upset. Despite his needs or his point of view, he is a grown man and has common sense...and frankly at this point, albeit temporarily, should put his family first, and know very well that certain things are transpiring that may make the family extra-sensitive. Maybe it is because I have seen my husband go through this with his dad (to a lesser degree, although his dad was looking at other women within two weeks of his mom's passing, and when he did marry soon after there was a yard sale for his mom's things without any notification of family members). I've read some similar stories on this site, and frankly I've dealt with some surprising insensitivity on my dad's part since my mom passed away. To the point where my sisters and I marvel at the level to which my mom shielded us, and the level to which she kept him in check on some basic common sense things. It's like now that she's gone, he sometimes acts like a 10-year-old kid in some situations and doesn't know any better. As usual, I digress. I am in no way encouraging you to focus on this instead of your sister, or to get into it with your dad (in my situation I grit my teeth and keep smiling, b/c as my husband says, you only have him for so long) - but I did want to offer you some support on that end of things and let you know I do get it. Hang in there, and prayers and hugs to you and yours!

What is it with Moms? They are so much the heart of our homes, no matter how old we get. Trish's post made me think of all the strange and sad things that happen and how often the wheels fall off the bus of a family when Mom is gone. The change is unbelievable. This weekend I was trying out my 8mm video camera with our new plasma TV - I popped in some tapes with my mom and braced myself. There she was, as alive as ever, holding babies, making my kids feel like the most special kids in the world, taking such pleasure in their joy, loving them unconditionally. And then in the family movies, just bustling around, making Thanksgiving dinner, passing out gifts at Christmas, all the things you do kind of take for granted until she is gone. Then my son said "NOW I remember what she sounds like..." Oh, knives in my heart. They were SO close, and he is forgetting her. That's when I really started to cry. But what I really noticed about the tapes is how she was almost always in the background. Grant it, as a parent the camera is usually focused on the kids and the cute stuff they are doing or the birthday events, etc...but her being in the background so symbolized what a mom does. She is the support system, the framework that the whole family is built on. Humble, loving, loyal, fiercely protective, strong, always there when you need her, knowing what to do without ever asking. The pain of missing her has sharpened after watching these tapes. But I also have been dreaming about her again, and now she talks to me. She's never engaged in what's going on around us, but the other night at the end of the dream when I hugged her and cried and said I missed her, she hugged me back as usual but then actually said "I MISS YOU TOO...SO MUCH." I woke up and could still hear her voice and feel her arms around me, and it was so sad but actually kind of comforting in a strange way. Part of me continues to be bitter as my kids grow and change, I know many of us go through this. Does it ever get better? Will my joy at my kids' changes and milestones always be tinged with sadness that she is not here to see it? My daughter has evolved from a rather difficult three-year-old to a little girl that is so much like I was, and I know my mom would revel in that. My son told me the other day that I embarrassed him by dancing the store - I just laughed and ruffled his hair, but I thought of my mom and how she would be the one person that could NOT embarrass him. She never knew him at this more grown up stage. And the baby, who just turned nine months old...well, don't get me started on that. He holds my face between his fat little hands and says clear as day "MUM". He is the charming little "imp" (as my mom would say) that she would have not been able to keep her hands off of. Well, I'm rambling. I guess I just keep wondering when this will be real. It's been a year and though I dwell on it less than I did six months ago, I think maybe that's because it's easier to do that than to actually think of her not being here. It's SO painful still, and it's becoming so permanent....

Kelly, I'm late in the game replying to this post - how did things go at school? I hope that it was even minutely better than you expected... My sister is a teacher and we lost my mom at the end of July last year. A few weeks later she had to go back and it was very difficult. But as the year went on and she got to know her students and things flowed, it got so much better. She had very supportive coworkers, and I hope you have the same.. My heart breaks for you on the thing with your kids, the drop-off and pick-up. Such a routine, and a wonderful one. I try to think of that as precious time they all had together, but it is so hard when your heart is broken and there is no more time for it... Thinking of you tonight.

Trish, My heart was pounding reading your post, I cannot imagine the rollercoaster of emotions you are experiencing right now. I could get going on the dad situation, but I will defer to the others and agree that your #1 priority now is your sister and helping her through this. I know if I were you and I even started to think too much about the dad thing I might go right off the tracks! Stay the course and continue to be the wonderful and supportive sister you are. You are amazing to have risen above it so far, and your sister is very lucky. You are NOT crazy in any of the feelings you have, and sometimes it is shocking and hurtful how things pan out after you lose your mom. I think we've all experienced a little or a lot of this, and your description of the Jerry Springer show is not far off in some cases... But I digress...I will just say that I have two sisters that are my best friends, and I had tears in my eyes thinking about what you are going through. Helping with her kids, helping her through chemo, those are the most meaningful things you can do for her right now. She can fight this and win! Have faith, Trish. I am sending out prayers and hugs tonight...

PS - Also to weigh in on passing on a name - Nick, maybe if you have a girl, consider using your Mom's name as a first or middle name. My daughter has my mom's name as her middle name (given when my mom was still alive), and I treasure it every time I say or write my daughter's full name, especially now. Our oldest son has my husband's mom's MAIDEN name as a middle name (Gardner). Both of our moms our gone, but their names live in our children. It means SO much. I know this all a long way off, but thought I would throw it in as a way to remember and honor your wonderful mom...

Congratulations, Nick!!! Whoo-hoo! And I know it's used over and over, but yes, bittersweet is the word... My husband lost his mom right after our wedding - literally the last time we saw her was at the reception. We got back from our honeymoon and were preparing to drive up to to see her, and we got a call from his sister saying she was gone. We didn't even know how bad she was, we had been on our honeymoon and no one wanted to worry us. A year later I got pregnant, and it was kind of hard on him for the same reasons you are feeling sad. Like you, he was excited but in a subdued way. But I will tell you, when his first son came into this world and was placed in his arms...well, I can close my eyes and picture the look on his face to this day. I can't even put it into words. Becoming a dad, a PARENT...wow. It's like this tiny little thing arrives and within a second you would lay in front of a train for him. He/she will bring you such joy. You will suddenly have that unconditional love again in your life (from your child). I'm hoping this baby will give YOU hope, hope for the future. And I guess I'm a big old hypocrite, b/c as I tell you this I've already cried twice today over things my adorable baby did that my mom would have gotten such a kick out of. She would have showered him with love. So yes, it will be bittersweet and it's so flippin' unfair that you will never share that with her. But I pray that you will get a small bit of healing from your little one...after all, this baby will be a PART of your mom, will have HER blood flowing in its veins. Congratulations, I wish you and Keri all the best in the coming months. Please keep us updated!

Val, I think just losing our moms forces us to a new level of "good", for lack of a better term. It's hard to explain...when we no longer have Mom there to lean on, to seek advice from, to love us unconditionally. I don't know - slowly as time passes after she is gone, you come to realize that this is it, this is your life and everything she ever taught you and all the love she gave to you brought you to this chapter of your life, even it is too damn early for it to be happening. It's like a baby bird being pushed out of its nest. You have to learn to fly alone, to become a solo person/mom yourself, and to use all the tools and lessons and love she gave you to make the rest of your life what she would have wanted it to be for you. I don't know, I'm just babbling, but I get what you are saying. I'm not quite where you are, but I can sort of imagine it, and I guess that is promising. I am so glad you posted and that you are healing. And no need to explain that you are not "over it", etc...we all are in that special (sad) club and know that there is no getting over it. I don't think anyone could understand that hasn't lost someone very close to them... Thinking happy thoughts for you tonight!

Jane, I'm so sorry you are feeling that pain. I know, I know...and my prayers and thoughts go out to you tonight. You took care of her and loved her and did the very best you could do, and that is all anyone asks of their loved one. I'm so very sorry...God bless your mom.

I'm sorry everyone, I know this post was a downer and maybe I was kind of selfish in posting it. I guess I just felt for the parents and what they are going through, the grief, and knew you guys would understand how I felt watching all of that unfold. I think I was also very emotional sitting in the ICU holding my helpless husband's hand, wondering if someday I would be doing this for him when he was faced with a life threatening illness. It brought my mom's ordeal back with a vengeance. I guess the drama unfolding that night was just the icing on the cake of a long day... Sorry!

Candy, I can just see the love between you two in your picture. I know she fought so hard...I'm so sorry to hear about your precious mom. My prayers go out to you tonight...

It's so hard to respond to this, I'm so very sorry about your mom. I couldn't stop crying when I read your post, I've been thinking about you for the last few days, and the journey you were taking. I could have written this post, it's so similar to one year ago for me. I know I've said it before, but you are a wonderful daughter and I am so glad your mom had you at her side through all of this. As devastating and painful as it was for you, you will always know that you were there taking care of her, holding her hand and loving her, and whether it is now, or a year from now, you will take comfort in that. My prayers go out to you tonight, God bless your sweet mom.

Oh, Jane, I remember those awful, awful nights. My heart is with you...

I had an experience yesterday I felt like sharing... My husband Mark went into the hospital for surgery on his deviated septum and to get his tonsils out. He did very well, but the doctor sent to him to the ICU for one night just for observation b/c of the risk of bleeding. It was not the same hospital my mom was in, but walking into that ICU made my blood run cold. Room after room of very sick people on vents, etc. But I was okay, or so I thought. I went into the waiting room to make a call, and it was filled with people. At least 20 of them. Older, middle-aged, teenaged and a baby here and there. A family, I assumed. And I noticed there were several young twenty-somethings wandering in and out of the waiting room. I came back from making a call and the crowd had dramatically increased, with young guys and girls. Many of them were crying and hugging, and they all took turns filing in and out of the room next to ours, the girls each carrying a red rose. I thought uh-oh, something really bad is going on and I just felt ill. I quietly asked our nurse if it was a kid, and she said it was a 24-year-old guy. (I had noticed him briefly when I walked by, unconscious and on a respirator). I thought, oh gosh, cancer, or car accident. I was tearful the whole way home, it was a very difficult scene to witness. He must have passed away right after I went home for the night, b/c Mark said he heard sudden wailing from next door. This morning I noticed a new person in the guy’s bed and I quietly asked the desk person if he had passed away and she said yes, then I (probably inappropriately) asked what happened. She said “bee sting”. The doctor standing there said yes, severe allergic reaction. I just stood there in shock with tears in my eyes. It did not make sense to me. What about his parents, who cared for him and protected him (possibly from a known allergy) for so long, and then poof, he's gone from a bee sting? Not that a car accident or disease would have been less tragic, but I just found this so...I don't know. He was so, SO young and so much to look forward to in his life, and such a routine thing to most people just took it all away from him. I don't know, it kind of put things in perspective for me a little bit? Maybe just for today, though, who knows. I did also think that my mom was probably standing at the door of Heaven with a smile and a big plate of her famous M&M cookies for him, saying "Come on in, sweetie..." She loved her sons and grandsons so tenderly, even when they became strapping young men like this guy was. I came home and hugged my kids today, that's for sure. I didn't even tell my sister, who has three boys ranging from 18-23. That's all I could think about... Thanks for listening....

((( Gail ))), What a terrible ordeal. It is so hard to get through bitter and traumatic memories like that - we can only pray that time will take the hard edge off of them. I pray also that you can enjoy your son's wedding, see the hope and promise in that day. I think that is what your dad would have wanted. You are in my thoughts tonight...

Mary, I second Katie's post. We feel your pain. I'm so sorry about your sad losses...hugs to you tonight.

Stacey- I know, I know exactly where you are coming from. We care, keep posting, it does help to relate to others that understand what you are going through. It's not fair, it's so sad, and it breaks my heart...hang in there and my prayers go out to you tonight...

I was thinking pain patch too. My mom wore them all the time, and I think they helped take the edge off...

This hurts me so badly, I just cried reading your post. I am SO sorry that you are going through this, and going through it alone. What a blessing you are to your mom. I know this may not be an option, or may not be at all what you or your mom would want, but I thought I would throw it out there. When my mom was in the hospital and they said she needed hospice care, I immediately wanted her home in her own bed. However, the hospital powers that be strongly recommended a hospice center b/c of the care. (It is non-profit and was covered by insurance.) The hospital people described the very situation you are in as a possibility if we took her home. My family voted to do the center (I didn't) and my mom went to the center, and I was a little distraught b/c I thought she should be home. However, it turned out to the best thing we ever did. The center had a homey atmosphere and there were nurses on duty round the clock. They had her hooked up to a morphine pump that automatically dispensed the morphine into her IV. They administered extra medication when she needed it (including meds to help her breathing - she was unconscious the whole time, but we could tell when she was in distress). They also changed her nightgowns and diapers, turned her and fixed her pillows so she would not get bedsores, etc. They would gently ask us to leave the room as they did it, which sometimes upset me a bit, but now I realize was not a bad thing. They had rollaway beds so we were able to take shifts sleeping. She only made it a few days there before we lost her, but now I cannot imagine how hard it would have been at home, having to try to get in touch with a nurse on the phone for every need and concern. I am so very sorry you are going through this. Is there any possibility of investigating one of these places and getting her in, if you are open to it? I know this is a very personal, emotional issue and decision. I just want to offer my heartfelt prayers to you and your mom. And yes, call the manager of that hospice and blast them with both barrels. What's happening now is unacceptable., and I pray that you get the help you need. I KNOW how hard it is to watch this process - it's not like you see in the movies. I think it is our nature to struggle against this, no matter what the cirucmstances and how much we know about our condition. And the nights are the longest, it's all so surreal, as you said. What you are experiencing IS normal, but that doesn't make it any less heartbreaking and tragic. But you being there for her to hold onto, you reassuring her and talking to her, that is already making her transition so much easier...whether it seems that way or not... Again, you are a wonderful daughter and your mom appreciates you every moment...don't ever doubt that. I'm so very sorry...

Val, You SO summed up that relationship, that proprietary "thing" you have with your mom, that shared irony and amusement where you don't even have to look at each other and you know the other one is laughing. I LOVED reading this post, and all of your great stories about her. It gave me such a good mental picture of her...and made my heart ache at how much you must miss her. Thank you so much for sharing all of those hilarious moments with your mom, I so enjoyed them. My mom and I had that kind of relationship, once we got going, there was no turning back. It made me remember the good times for once. I miss your mom right along with you....and I didn't even know her...

Thanks, you guys. I cried writing it, and I cried reading your comments. She really was an unforgettable mother and person. I would say her only fault was she was sometimes impatient (thus the "feisty" thing), but that was because she was so full of life and lived every moment. My uncle called her the Energizer Bunny. And she was loyal, sometimes to a fault - although is that possible? She never gave up on anybody she loved, and those are the people that cried the hardest at her funeral. Her unconditional love was something you treasured. I remember when she was in surgery for her biopsy, my tough and equally feisty uncle looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "Your mother is a living saint." For a brother to consistently feel that way about his sister, that is rare. I re-read my post today and realized not only is there no exaggeration in any of it, but that it doesn't even do her justice. She had so much more living to do.... Thanks again for your support, it means so much....