KC

Add me to the list of those praying for you Sharon. I hope it turns out to be nothing.

It is gonna work, Beth! I just know it will. You hang in there and fight like H E doublehockeysticks! I'm praying for you.

I am so happy for you that you dreamed of your dear Dad. It is a comforting feeling. I too dreamed of my Dad yesterday. I hadn't had one in a while and this one I was back in the home I grew up in and he wasn't there, just my Mom. My Dad went back home to live with his parent's. And I remember thinking that I was so worried about him, knowing how sick he was and all and that I couldn't get there to see him. And I remember feeling in my dream that he went back there to die and why wasn't he able to die in the home we shared. Next thing there he was sitting with my Mom and I was looking at him and he was rubbing his chest and saying that they drained the fluid and he was feeling much better. (My father wouldn't let the dr.'s drain the fluid in the hospital at the end, he never had it done before either. I always thought he would have lived a little longer if he let them). And in my dream I remember thinking to myself how very lucky we all were to be able to get this extra time with him alive and well. I was so happy, he looked so good, just like his old self, wearing the clothes he used to wear too. Oh, it felt so good. Then I woke up. The feeling stayed with me all day and I said to myself, I wonder if that was just a dream or a sign from Dad. I thought that if it was a sign then maybe his number, 987, that was the code number we agreed on that he would send me as a sign, would come out in the Cash3. Well, lo and behold it came out yesterday. I didn't play it, but I don't even care about that. I truly believe it was my father solidifying his presence in my dream. Also heard that song In My Daughter's Eyes, driving home from a fair with my daughter on Sunday. I don't think I ever heard that song before. I was balling my eyes out, thinking of my baby girl and my relationship with my dad. I think Leanne Rhimes sings it, not sure though. This song came on the radio just as I was pointing towards to sky and showing my daughter how the rays of the sun were shining down through the clouds and it looked to me like the gates of heaven. I think my father's spirit is around and I hope to have another dream tonight. Sorry for going on so long. Wishing us all beautiful, sweet dreams of our loved ones. Take care everyone.

I am so very sorry that you lost your dear Dad. This all must be very hard for you. I hope that you can find some comfort that he was able to be there with you on the happiest day of your life. I am sure it meant the world to him to be there for you. I know there are no words to take away your pain. I hope that someday, you will find peace in the memories of your Dad. Take care of yourself at this difficult time.

Fay, I am so happy for you, I am in tears. Tears of joy!!!! God bless you always, Fay! ENJOY!!!

I too enjoyed these stories very very much. I was not in the hospital room when my father passed away. I had left some hours earlier. He was under heavy medication and on a bipac machine and couldn't open his eyes or respond to us. I was afraid to be there with him when he passed, an regret every moment of it now. I don't think he was conscious or if he said anything right before, and I never will. But, and I hope no one is offended by me mentioning this here, but I have been wondering about this since watching my little boy (cat Lincoln) pass away. As he was dying, at one point he was looking up at the ceiling like someone was calling his name or talking to him. It was the strangest thing and I always wonder if he heard someone calling his name. It sure did look that way. I do know with regards to my father, that a few days before we brought him to the hospital because of the terrible pain, he was in his room one night and he was saying out loud "Tell me what to do Ma"? I went in his room and he was just sitting on the end of his bed. He was talking to his mother, my grandmother, who passed away in 1992.

Oh, Beth! That is so awful, I'm so sorry you had to deal with this person. The nerve. I don't know how you contained yourself. Bless you.

It was awful, she has no clue and I know I am going to blow the next time she says something. How dare she compare situations. I couldn't even speak after she said that, I thought of all the things I should have said after I hung up. You can't compare, you just cannot. Clueless and it hurts me that she even thinks these things. She should know, as close as she is to her father. I hope she is never in my situation.

Sharon, It was very hard for me to read your post, as I know exactly what you are going through. It is very normal what you are feeling. If you look back at my posts you will see I have been exactly where you are right now. Questioning everything, doubting ourselves, feeling guilty, it's just awful to feel all these things on top of the tremendous loss we feel. My heart just breaks for you. I can only tell you that what you are feeling is just part of the grieving process and it's hard. There are still times I think back and feel like there was something else I could have done, but really, there was nothing. We didn't do this to our fathers, the cancer did. I am so sorry you are hurting. If you do a search for my posts, you will see all of the wonderful responses I received from the beautiful people here on this board, some of them are no longer with us, but their words to me will always be remembered. You are in my thoughts. Please try to go easy on yourself.

When I said to a very good friend that I had guilt over not staying in the hosptial room with my father when he passed away and that I was generally depressed, she looked at me and said that she thinks that I should be over all by the 1 year anniversary. I told her to watch her father die and then tell me how it feels. The other day we were speaking on the phone and she was telling me about a younger guy at work who has stomach cancer. She saw him at the Christmas party and said he looked terrible, but he was upbeat. She said she had to leave the room for a while because it was hard to look at him, he weighed about 75lbs, she said. I felt awful for him. Then she turned around and said to me that I have no idea how much I was spared! I said, "I was spared!??". I couldn't even get the rest of what I wanted to say to her out of my mouth, I was floored. She said yes, you were. I saw your father a week before he died and he looked great. You were spared. One more comment and I am just going to tell her to please not give me advice on things she has no idea about.

TAnn, I'm so very sorry that you lost your dear little boy Ceaser. It is hearbreaking, I know. They are innocent, little, loving creatures and they capture our hearts and souls with their love and loyalty. I lost my little boy (my bunny cat I called him), Lincoln. He died exactly six months to the day that my father died, right here in front of me in the den. It was heartwrenching to watch. I will keep you in my prayers, I know how hard it is.

Sharyn, My heart and my sincere condolences go out to you and your family. I am gladdened to hear that you are at peace with your Dad's passing. That is so very important. Your sign from you father is AMAZING. Simply amazing. I too told my Dad to send me a sign, we agreed what it would be, and he did send it. A few times. I am in awe over the sign you received and am so very happy he was able to connect with you. Love never dies. I will hold you in my thoughts in these difficult days ahead.

That was beautiful, Curtis. You amaze and teach me something new almost daily. May your holidays be full of love.

I'm so sorry you lost your dear Mom, Heather. She was so young. I will keep you in my prayers. Take care of yourself.

Sharon, I am in tears for you right now. I am so sorry for this sudden turn of events with your Dad. I know how much you love him from reading all of your postings. You are a wonderful daughter. I know how hard this is for you. I lost my Dad in March. If you ever need to "talk" please feel free to PM me anytime. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Thank you Pam for your wonderful words of wisdom. They mean alot to me and I do take them to heart. I am so sorry for the loss of your dear Dad. You are right, my father would be devastated to know that I am in such bad shape right now. He always tried to protect me from everything. He never wanted his pain to affect me. Great father's are truly a gift. And, Becky, thank you so much for caring and thinking of me. Yes, I am taking those baby steps. You and the others words have helped me a great deal in the past couple of days. I think about what you and others have said to me every day, and it is helping. I am trying to be kind to myself and forgiving. My daughter loves to watch those movies and asks for them all the time. I want her to remember my father, so I would never tell her no. I feel bad letting her sit there by herself watching them, so I try sometimes. Most times though, I do not watch. I know that I am not ready for them. When those dark thoughts start to creep in and the guilty thoughts, I find myself thinking of what you all have said and I want you all to know that it means the world to me. I wish everyone here only the best. What a wonderful group of people. It's too bad we all came together under these circumstances.

Thank you Peggy. Thank you Paddy. I am trying. I appreciate your kindness and caring. Paddy, I am so very sorry for the loss of your husband. I will keep you in my prayers during the difficult days ahead.

Thank you so much Faylene. Yes, I should go back and read those replies and I will. No, unfortunately, I really do not have any one that I can talk to about it. I had a very good friend tell me last week that I should be feeling better about it all after the first year when she asked me why I was depressed. I told her to watch her father die and then tell me how she feels. I had a therapist, but no longer, who I tried to tell of my guilt about not staying till the end and she basically told me that to linger in those feelings was useless. It's over and I can't go back and change it. I know I can't, and some days I am fine and then other's the guilt just floods me again. I'm sorry for unloading here, I have no where else to turn really. Thank you and bless you.

Just finished watching the home movies of when I was pregnant and the birth of my daughter and the first few months of her life. God, my entire family and I were never so happy as we were then and I haven't been since. It all didn't last very long as when my daughter was just 5 months old, my father was diagnosed with Lung Cancer!! It all came crashing down around us. Why, why did our blissful happiness have to only last such a short time. Never, never in our entire lives were we so happy, I know this is true and when I watch the movies I see it for sure. Why did our lives crumble all around us??? I still can't get myself together. I look horrible, I feel horrible and I'm not the same person I was. I'm miserable and now the inside of me matches the outside! I'm rock bottom and I know I'll never get that blissful, happy feeling back ever again. We were FINALLY happy, I was FINALLY happy, I had everything I ever wanted and it was short-lived. Now, I'm trying to live out my father's wish, just to make sure my daughter has a happy life, make sure she's happy. I try my best, I give her everything she needs, but how can she really have a happy life when her mother is so very very sad and unhappy? I know I'm the only one who can help myself. I feel so alone, I miss my father so much. Those movies just kill me. For the moment I'm watching, it's like he's still here, he just right there I can almost touch him. But he's not. He was so young, he was supposed to enjoy being a Grandpa and his retirement and he deserved to and he got robbed. We all got robbed. I keep buying things and spending money and eating, trying to fill the void. My father and I, we were so close, he kept me calm and grounded. And I just left him in the hospital that last night, knowing he was going to die, because I was a coward and couldn't watch. I just couldn't watch him take his last breath and now I have to live with the fact that I left him like a dog to die alone! I'll never get over it or the guilt! Why did I have to be such a coward? He was so brave and I couldn't even stay there with him. How did this happen!!!!

Well, my brother and I took out our Christmas tree to put up today. My father was living here last year and it was our last Christmas together and our first in this new house. Last year I took all the ornaments off the tree and me and my Dad put it away in the garage. When my brother, daughter and I were taking the pieces of the tree out of the box and putting them together, there was a beautiful plastic crystal angel ornament dangling from one of the branches. It was the only ornament that was left on the tree last year when it was put away. I took it immediately as a sign. For the past month, I have felt that my father has not been sending me signs any longer, and I have felt very very sad. Maybe I'm just reaching here, but I thought it was strange that there was that one lone angel left on the tree that my father and I shared last Christmas. My brother thought nothing of it, but he doesn't believe in all that stuff anyway. Thanks for listening, I just thought I would come and share.

I am so very sorry to hear of your dear Aunt's passing, Fay. I have an aunt who is like a second mother to me. I thank god every day that she is still here with us. Please accept my condolences.

Angie, I am so very sorry for your pain. I have walked in the exact shoes you are in right now. My dad lived with my 2 year old daughter and I for the last year of his life. It was the best and worst year of all our lives. My father didn't cry through the two + years he had the cancer, but when he did towards the end, somehow I was able to hold it together for him and not cry in front of him. The one thing he didn't want was for me to see him like that and I wanted to remain strong, in front of him at least. You are doing a wonderful job, you are a good daughter and I'm postive your Dad knows how much you love him and he loves you the same. I know you know that, you don't need to hear it from me. My father's last Christmas together was last year. He didn't even come out of his room to watch my daughter open up her presents. I think it would have been to difficult for him knowing it was his last. He didn't pass away until March, but I believe in his heart he knew something was terrible wrong. Although it was never official, I think he may have had brain mets at the end too, BUT......please don't give up hope, Angie, please. They can take care of brain mets, it has been done. Now that your father knows what he is up against, he can continue to fight it, if he chooses. I know this is devastating, and my heart breaks for you. I wish that I could offer you more support, but I know that the support that we can give from so far away does help somewhat, but in your heart, you feel very alone. Please know that you are not. We are all here for you. I am praying for you and your Dad and family.

Please let Cary know that my thoughts and prayers are with him and his family. I am so very sorry to hear that his Dad is not doing well. Last I heard, all was well. I had spoke with Cary on the phone when I was looking into TM for my father a year ago and when my dad passed away, he sent me a beautiful memorial card from his family in memory of my Dad. Please let him know that I am thinking of him and praying for him. Karen from Florida, daughter of Matthew

Actually, that is my theme song. It describes my mental state lately to a tee. I know I'm not the one with the cancer, but it's exactly how I feel too. .

I too am a firm believer in John Edwards and think he is truly amazing. Actually, I had two opportunities to see sit in his gallery when I was still living in NY and working in Manhattan, but turned them down both times as I could not leave work early. What I wouldn't give now to have the opportunity to sit in on a reading with him!! Actually, when my father was first diagnosed, we were both watching John Edwards together on television and I told my father to make sure he sends me a sign if anything should ever happen to him. He said he would and it would be his number 987. Over two years later, as my father lie in his hospital bed, unable to communicate as he was passing, I kept reminding him over and over to send me the signs, 987. Well, he did, many times and that has not been the only signs I have received from him. I find whenever I ask my father out loud to show me he is still around, he certainly does.