KC

Thank you for sharing your beautiful memories of Becky. You were both very lucky to have found such love in your lives. I'm so sorry she was taken from both you and your daughter much too soon.

I can only add that I know exactly how you feel. I am convinced that I will be diagnosed with some form of cancer at some point and it is a terrible feeling to have. I too am very depressed over my father's death. It feels like forever that I have seen him and it's only been since March. My daughter is asking for him alot lately too. The reality that he is never coming back is too much sometimes. It is very different without him in or lives, and really, I don't like it at all.

I too know exactly what you mean when you say it feels like a dream. To me, it feels like a dream that my father was ever really here with me. God, I miss him so much, it is very painful. I don't like living life without him, not at all. I too know what you mean about him being unhappy the year before his diagnosis. My dad was unhappy too, something to do with a relationship with his girlfriend, I won't go into details, but I believe the terrible stress from that brought out the cancer that was lurking inside of him. I think of this, and I try my hardest not to let the stress and pain of losing my father affect me for fear that I too will get sick. This is my biggest worry and great concern, for I am a single parent to a 3-year old daughter. She needs me. My father's only wish was to make sure she was happy. That was all that mattered to him. He said that he lived his life. He was only 65. We all got cheated, especially my daughter. I said to myself the other day that I belive that I will never really accept that my father is gone and I am carrying alot of anger too and what ifs. Then I reminded myself of a song that I love very much. It's called "Heart Of The Matter" by Don Henley. The words in that song that say, "You keep carrying that anger, it'll eat you up inside". WE cannot let the anger eat us up inside. It will make us sick, of this I am sure. We also need more than anything to forgive ourselves. We all tried as hard and as much as we knew how. As the old saying goes, if love could have saved them...... I'm sure they would all be here with us today. Here are the words to the song in it's entirety. It is my all-time favorite song. I can't listen to it without crying, I never could. There's just something about it. I don't know. Heart Of The Matter I got the call today, I didn’t wanna hear But I knew that it would come. An old, true friend of ours was talking on the phone She said you’d found someone. And I thought of all the bad luck, And the struggles we went through And how I lost me and you lost you; What are these voices outside love’s open door, Make us throw off our contentment And beg for something more? I’m learning to live without you now, But I miss you sometimes. The more I know, the less I understand All the things I thought I knew, I’m learning again. I’ve been trying to get down To the heart of the matter But my will gets weak And my thoughts seem to scatter But I think it’s about forgiveness, Forgiveness Even if, even if you don’t love me anymore. These times are so uncertain, There’s a yearning undefined And people filled with rage. We all need a little tenderness How can love survive in such a graceless age? The trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness They’re the very things - we kill I guess. Pride and competition Cannot fill these empty arms And the work I put between us You know it doesn’t keep me warm. I’m learning to live without you now But I miss you. And the more I know, the less I understand All the things I thought I’d figured out I have to learn again. I’ve been trying to get down To the heart of the matter, But everything changes And my friends seem to scatter But I think it’s about forgiveness Forgiveness Even if, even if you don’t love me anymore. There are people in your life who’ve come and gone; They let you down, you know they hurt your pride. You better put it all behind you baby; life goes on; You keep carrying that anger; it’ll eat you up inside. I’ve been trying to get down To the heart of the matter But my will gets weak And my thought seem to scatter But I think it’s about forgiveness Forgiveness Even if, even if you don’t love me I’ve been tryin’ to get down To the heart of the matter Because the flesh will get weak And the ashes will scatter So I’m thinkin’ about forgiveness Forgiveness Even if, even if you don’t love me Even if, you don’t love me anymore.

I have the same types of dreams. Some I dream he is very sick, he still has the cancer. Just two nights ago I dreamed that he was lying in bed, sick with the cancer, and he couldn't walk any longer, is lower half was paralyzed. Then there are other times, very few, that I dream that he is well again and looked like he did around 10 years ago. I remember one of the first dreams I had of him, he was in his hospital bed, dying, but he was smiling and holding my hand and he said to me that he wants me to go on that he was going to another world. Will we ever live normal lives again? This is getting more difficult as time goes on. I don't want to live the next 40 (god willing) years without my father. He was too young too die.

Pam, I could have written your post myself. I feel your pain, I really do. Please know that you are not alone in your grief. I hate cancer, I wish I could kill it, like it killed my beautiful father. I too, am angry. My daughter was cheated of her Grandpa too. It's funny, because I swear I thought of you and your Dad the other day and I pictured your dad's face from your avatar and said to myself that I haven't seen you post lately, and was wondering how you were doing. Your dad's face sticks with me, he looks like such a sweetheart. By the way, my favorite name for a boy is Matthew. It is my father's name, my brother's name and when they told me I was going to have a boy, which turned out to be a girl - LOL, that was going to be his name too. I wish you, I wish all of us, some peace and comfort from this awful pain that we have to live with. Much love.

Thank you Curtis. I appreciate your response so very much. I always read your posts about how you and Katie are doing. I don't reply much to people, as most of the time, I can't find the right words. But I do keep everyone in my thoughts and prayers. I think you, too, are doing a wonderful job with Katie and I wish you both much peace and comfort always. My father was the only father that my daughter knew. We lived with him the last year of his life too, so it is like she lost a parent as well, not just a Grandparent whom she saw occasionally. He was there for her every morning for breakfast and cartoons and every night for bedtime. I don't really like living without him, I thank God for my daughter, she give me reason. Take care of yourself, Curtis and that little girl of yours.

My 3-year old daughter his missing her Grandpa terribly lately. I think I may have set her off when I told her on Thursday, October 21st that it was Grandpa's birthday. I had to tell her because I wanted to bring flowers and a balloon to my father's grave and I had no one to watch her. So we sang happy birthday to grandpa and left him flowers and the balloon. Then on Saturday we went to a carnival and she got a fake tatoo. My mom was watching her on Sunday for me and they went in the pool. The tatoo started coming off while she was in the pool and my Mom told me she saw her standing in a corner talking to Grandpa. She was saying "Grandpa, I don't want it to come off, Grandpa, I miss you. I miss you, Grandpa". It was heartbreaking. My mother asked her if she wanted to watch the home movies and see Grandpa. She watched movie, after movie. His birthday last year, last halloween, last Christmas. I was sitting in the other room for hours listening because I can't really watch these films yet. Boy, it was heartwrenching, hearing my father's happy voice. I miss him so very much. Life is so different without him, and I don't really like it much. Anyway, my daughter wore her Belle halloween costume from Beauty and the Beast to her class on Wednesday. It has a wand that she carries. I heard her say into the wand, "I wish, I wish Grandpa would come back" and then she blew on the wand. I said, "what did you say honey", she said "nothing". I told her like I always do that "Grandpa is still with us and he is always in our hearts and that he can see everything she is doing. I told her that he didn't want to leave us but he had to go and make the boo boo go away and if he comes back, the boo boo comes back too." She woke up Thursday morning, saying "I miss Grandpa". Today she woke up and the first thing she said was, "I want to see Grandpa again." I said, "why, did you see him?", thinking maybe she had a dream about him. She said, "yea, he's in the sky, in the clouds". I did say out loud the other day for my Dad to please come and visit her, that she needs to see him. Today, driving home from dinner, out of no where, we were singing songs and she says out loud, "I want to see my Grandpa, again." I feel so sorry for her. My father passed away in March. He was her best friend and she is grieving terribly for him lately. I don't know if I'm doing more damage than good in talking about him every day. I talk to her every day about him. If she does something wonderful, we always say, look, Grandpa, and then we tell him what she did. I can't and won't let her forget him. She got cheated of having him in her life, I don't want her to be cheated of his memory. Please, does anyone have advice or comments. I'm so sorry for the long post. My heart breaks for her.

The only thing that keeps me going is my 3-year old daughter who is grieving terribly for her Grandpa herself. I have to keep things normal and happy for her, for that was my father's only wish. Christmas this year will be big, bigger than last year, and all for her. I hope you come through it with some peace in your heart. Our loved ones would want us to continue, of that I am sure.

Fay that is great news. I'm sorry you need to have the surgery, but I do hope that it alleviates the stomach pain for you. And, from a Yankee fan to a Red Sox's fan, I hope they win too. It is their time. Keep making those lists!

I have heard of the connection between butterlies and loved ones who have passed. I have noticed that everytime I go to the cemetary to visit my Dad, I see butterflies. Lots of them too. Makes me wonder...

Cat, Your post made me smile and this particular quote made me laugh so hard, a laugh I needed so badly. Fight like a tiger, Cat, and give it a good, hard kick it in the other thing for me too! As my little 3 year old daughter says, Rah Chicka Rah, Go Cat Go! Thinking of you.

Thank you Stephanie so much. I do hope they are together up there having a big ol' chocolate cake, my Dad's favorite!! I'm sure they are both smiling down on us, I have to believe that. Take care of yourself. You are a good daughter, and you Mom knew how blessed you both were to have eachother. Happy Birthday Judy B!

Thank you all so much for your comforting and kind words and thoughts. They mean so much to me as all of you wonderful people do. You are all always in my thoughts and my heart as well. I did pretty good that day, better than I thought. I think I cried myself out the entire week before and was prepared. My 3 year old daughter and I went to visit "Grandpa's Statue" (that's what I told her it was) and we brought flowers and a happy birthday balloon and we sang Happy Birthday to Grandpa. I managed to do it all with joy in my heart, which was strange. I will never let my daughter forget her Grandpa. She got cheated, but I won't let her be cheated of his memory. She remembers so much that she did with him, even though she was only not yet 3 when he died. Sometimes she shocks me with what she remembers. Once again, thank you all so very much and God Bless.

Today is your birthday. You would have been 66. It will be the first birthday that we will not be able to share together. I can't kiss you happy birthday today or sing it to you or watch you blow out your candles and sing happy birthday. I can't give you your card that says thank you for all that you have given me throughout my lifetime and all you mean to me and that tells you what a wonderful father you are and how much I love you. I can only visit your grave and bring balloons and flowers and leave them for you and hope that you come an visit me, somehow. I never in a million years thought I would have lost you at the age of 65. You were my strength, my rock, my unconditional love, the only man I could ever count on to be there for me always. Like you said to me 3 days before you died, I will always be your baby girl. I know Daddy, and you will always be my Daddy and I will miss you today more than ever and every day for the rest of my life. Until we meet again.....I love you Daddy and Happy Birthday In Heaven My Angel. Love, Your Baby Girl P.S. Please take care of Lincoln for me Daddy. He passed away 1 month ago today. Please send me a sign and let me know that you have him with you. I miss him, my little baby bunny cat. I hope he is there with you and Wags too.

Dean, I have you in my thoughts and prayers. You are a special and very sweet, kind man. I wish you only the happiest of days and I am glad to hear that you are not in much pain. Enjoy those birds and all that you hold dear.

Fay, I'm so sorry you feel like that. I too feel that way about the world sometimes. And....you have made a difference, dear Fay, you made a difference in my life with your advice, caring and support and I'm sure there are many others who feel the same way about you. So, you have made a difference in the world. Believe it.

I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for the pain your are in. My Dad passed away in March and for the first few months all I could do was think about those last painful weeks of his life. My mind and heart was consumed with it. It did hurt physcially. But...you need to go through that and I promise you it will get better. I still think about that very painful ending, but...I have more times when I am remembering my father and the wonderful memories we made and for that I am grateful. It will be hard for you to imagine that will ever happen, but it will, and until that time, I will be praying for peace for you.

Joni, I'm so sorry for your pain and your loss. I believe that you found that beautiful letter from your beloved husband again, now, as a sign from him that he is still with you. The words that he wrote sound like he is sending the same message to you from heaven. I hope that you get many more "signs" and wish you peace in the difficult times ahead.

Fay, I so glad your radiation is over and done with! I'm sorry you cracked your toes! I have absolutely no grace either, my mom used to say I was like a "bull in a china shop". If there's something in my path, I usually bang into it. Wishing you the best always.

Ginny, I am so very sorry for your loss. May your precious memories sustain you during the difficult time ahead. You are in my prayers.

I am so sorry your dad is feeling down. But I just wanted to let you know that when I was taking Paxil, it knocked me on my butt. Even on the lowest dosage, 10mgs., I couldn't get my head off the pillow. Maybe it's the paxil that is making your dad feel this way. See if the doc. will ween him off the meds. I wish you all the best.

Fay, I am sorry that these desperate, pathetic, needy creatures are making you, a wonderful, beautiful WOMAN, feel that way. Please know that you, my dear, are a diamond in the rough, they, on the other hand, are a dime a dozen. I love you. True beauty comes from within, remember that.

I too literally gasped when I saw this. I am so very very sorry for your loss. He was a wonderful man and he has a wonderful family. May you all find peace and comfort through your beautiful memories of your beloved TBone.

Thank you. That was beautiful.

Ginny, I am so very sorry. I am praying for strength and peace for you and Earl.