Amy P

Angie - Oh I can't wait - I have some good one too! Much Love, Amy

1. CURL UP AND DIE: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" - Melinda Lowe, 39, Sequin, TX 2. PAD PLEASE: An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest. - Kate Newman, 46,Winston-Salem, NC 3. HO, HO, HO: I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggested I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera! - Name Withheld 4. LADY GOLFER: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." - Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI 5. NUTS ABOUT YOU: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. - Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD 6. PRICELESS: I picked up several items at a discount store. When I finally got up to the checker, I learned that one of the items had no price tag. The checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?" - Jan Bobsone, Jacksonville, Fl. 7. MOM'S ADVICE: A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom." She screamed. "I did." He said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out 'till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school

Only Men would do this... Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

We should get bonus pts just for the sweetness > Love is..... > > > > A group of professional people posed this question > > to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love > > mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper > > than anyone could have imagined. See what you think: > > > > 1. "When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't > > bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my > > grandfather does it for her all the time, even > > when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." > > Rebecca- age 8 > > > > 2. "When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. > > You know that your name is safe in their mouth." > > Billy- age 4 > > > > 3. "Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy > > puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." > > Karl- age 5 > > > > 4. "Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody > > most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." > > Chrissy- age 6 > > > > 5. "Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so > > mad but you don't yell at them because you know it would hurt their > feelings." > > Samantha- age 6 > > > > 6. "Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." > > Terri- age 4 > > > > 7. "Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy > > and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is > OK." > > Danny- age 7 > > > > 8. "Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of > kissing, > > you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and Daddy are > like > > that. They look gross when they kiss." > > Emily- age 8 > > > > 9. "Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas > > if you stop opening presents and listen." > > Bobby- age 5 > > > > 10. "If you want to learn to love better, > > you should start with a friend who you hate." > > Nikka- age 6 > > > > 11. "Love is hugging. Love is kissing. Love is saying no" > > Patty- age 8 > > > > 12. "When you tell someone something bad about > > yourself and you're scared they won't love you > > anymore. But then you get surprised because not > > only do they still love you, they love you even more." > > Matthew- age 7 > > > > 13. "There are two kinds of love. Our love. God's > > love. But God makes both kinds of them." > > Jenny- age 4 > > > > 14. "Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it > > everyday." > > Noelle- age 7 > > > > 15. "Love is like a little old woman and a little > > old man who are still friends even after they > > know each other so well." > > Tommy - age 6 > > > > 16. "During my piano recital, I was on a stage and > > scared. I looked at all the people watching me > > and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the > > only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." > > Cindy- age 8 > > > > 17. "My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't > > see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." > > Clare- age 5 > > > > 18. "Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken." > > Elaine- age 5 > > > > 19. "Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty > > and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." > > Chris- age 8 > > > > 20. "Love is when your puppy licks your face even > > after you left him alone all day." > > Mary Ann- age 4 > > > > 21. "I know my older sister loves me because she > > gives me all her old clothes and has to go out > > and buy new ones." > > Lauren- age 4 > > > > 22. "I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom > > says she only picks on me because she loves me. > > So I pick on my baby sister because I love her." > > Bethany- age 4 > > > > 23. "Love cards like Valentine's cards say stuff on > > them that we'd like to say ourselves, but we > > wouldn't be caught dead saying." > > Mike- age 8 > > > > 24. "When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up > > and down and little stars come out of you." > > Karen- age 7 > > > > 25. "Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet > > and she doesn't think it's gross." > > Mark- age 6 > > > > 26. "You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless > > you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say > > it a lot. People forget." > > Jessica- age 8 > > > > 27. "Love is that first feeling you feel before all > > the bad stuff gets in the way." > > Charlie- age 7

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' . . . and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"

This is dedicated to all women everywhere who have ever had to deal with a public toilet. And it finally explains to all you men what takes us so long. PSYCHIC TOILETSby Donna Gephart, Palm Beach Gardens, FL.2nd place in 2001 THE MONA SCHREIBER PRIZE FOR HUMOROUS FICTION & NONFICTION My mother was a fanatic about public toilets. As a little girl, she'd bring me in the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat. Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, never sit on a public toilet seat." And she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat. But by this time, I'd have peed down my leg. And we'd go home. That was a long time ago. I've had lots of experience with public toilets since then, but I'm still not particularly fond of public toilets, especially those with power! ful, red-eye sensors. Those toilets know when you want them to flush. They are psychic toilets. But I always confuse their psychic ability by following my mother's advice and assuming The Stance. The Stance is excruciatingly difficult to maintain when one's bladder is especially full. This is most likely to occur after watching a full-length feature film. During the movie pee, it is nearly impossible to hold The Stance. You know what I mean. You drink a two liter cup of Diet Coke, then sit still through a three-hour saga because, for God's sake, even if you didn't wipe or wash your hands in the bathroom, you'd still miss the pivotal part of the movie or the second scene, in which they flash the leading man's naked derriere. So, you cross your legs and you hold it. And you hold it until that first credit rolls and you sprint to the bathroom, about ready to explode all over your internal organs. And at the bathroom, you find a line of women that makes you think there's a half-! price sale on Mel Gibson's underwear in there. So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, also crossing their legs and smiling politely. And you finally get closer.You check for feet under the stall doors. Every one is occupied. You hope no one is doing frivolous things behind those stall doors, like blowing her nose or checking the contents of her wallet. Finally, a stall door opens and you dash, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter. You hang your handbag on the door hook, yank down your pants and assume The Stance. Relief. More relief. Then your thighs begin to shake. You'd love to sit down but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold The Stance as your thighs experience a quake that would register an eight on the Richter scale. To take your mind off it, you reach for the toilet paper.Might as well be ready when you are done. The toilet paper! dispenser is empty. Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny napkin you wiped your fingers on after eating buttered popcorn. It would have to do. You crumble it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work and your pocketbook whams you in the head. "Occupied!" you scream as you reach out for the door, dropping your buttered popcorn napkin in a puddle and falling backward, directly onto the toilet seat. You get up quickly, but it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with all the germs and life forms on the bare seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper, not that there was any, even if you had enough time to. And your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, "You don't know what kind of diseases you couldget." And by this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so c! onfused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a fountain and then it suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged to China. At that point, you give up. You're finished peeing. You're soaked by the splashing water. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a Chicklet wrapper you found in your pocket, then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the sinks with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged and unable to smile politely at this point. One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long as the Mississippi River. You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and say warmly, "Here. You might need this." At this time, you see your spouse, who has entered, used and exited h! is bathroom and read a copy of War and Peace while waiting for you. > >"What took you so long?" he asks, annoyed. This is when you kick him sharply in the shin and go home.

Grace - I can't answer your questions about the procedures but wanted you to know that I will be thinking of your Dad tomorrow and in the coming days and only hoping for good things. Let us know how things come out. Much Love to You, Amy

Shelley - Don't know how I missed this - I agree with everyone else - I love the pic and what a sweet smile!!!! It is nice to put faces with names - once I get my roots done, maybe I'll put my mug up Much Love, Amy

ROFLMAO! That should be awarded full pts plus some!!! Thanks Teacake - High Five!!!! Love, Amy

I would give them the full 1000 but not 2000 that would just be ludicris (I guess I should learn to spell it before using it in a sentence ) and MAYBE a few bonus pts - that was pretty funny! Much Love, Amy

Curtis - How did you know that I was blonde - although not a true blond My defense is that I did understand the jokes but had to deduct from the men for a couple of groaners (Frank ) and had to add some bonus pts for the ladies...well just because we are special! Becky - Dig 'em up and let's show those boys who's funnier! Much Love to you all!!! Amy

Connie - How Awesome! Yeah for your GRANDson . I too cannot wait to hear how things progress. I work for a big telecom Co. and they recently did a demonstration of their relay services for the hearing impared - it was very fascinating as well as the two gentlemen who run the dept and also gave the presentation have both been impaired since birth, they both have interpreters. It was the coolest thing. Keep us updated! Much Love, Amy

Not having much time to show Frank how to put together a spreadsheet , I have very unscientifically (sp?) by looking at the first couple of pages of jokes and assigning a value of 1000 have come up with this score Men - 6,000 Women - 100,000 and I still have lots of jokes in the archives - Come on ladies let's make it a million

Minnie - In the words of our dear wise Snowflake, you would probably benefit from some counseling to help you work through your feelings and fears. What you are going through is horrible, but what your Mother is going through is worse. When my Mom's cancer came back, I was soooo overwhelmed because the prognosis wasn't very good (esp since she is a one-lunger), I cried EVERY time I took a shower. Things have calmed down and she is responding to her current treatment but I still have the fears and doubts, while my Mom is totally at peace with what the future may or may not bring. I myself will be starting counseling in the next couple of weeks. I probably needed it earlier this year but I still need to have a non-friend/non-family member to talk to - so that I don't hold back my true feelings. Paige is right, you also need to remember to take care of yourself - even if it is something small. Best of luck to you and your Mother...it is hard to watch Mom's go through this since they have always been the comforter! If you would like to talk or just need to someone to listen to you, please feel free to pm or e-mail me. I will thinking and praying for you and your family. Much Love, Amy

Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old! witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewerage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacd the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered.... is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day...or night? Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments? Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. Now....what is the moral to this story? The moral is ... if you don't let a woman have her own way .. things are gonna get ugly

Sharyn - No wonder you are devastated, as if you didn't have enough to deal with already. Prayers will be said for you and your family (esp Dad). I am so sorry. Much Love, Amy

Denise - Prayers of strength for you and your family during the coming days. I hope you Mother will find the peace for which she is seeking. I am thinking of you. Much Love, Amy

One more from the archives..I've needed to laugh today - can you tell? Three men, one German, one Japanese and an Texan were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager, "he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand." The Texan felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. the others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Texan finally said------- "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."

I looked back at some of the history and didn't see this one...sorry if it's a repeat and sorry ladies but this one was funny. A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows them a picture, then hides it. This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?" Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses!" The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

OK Ladies - I am trying to help out with this one (I shouldn't share this but my hubby is definately #8 ) NOTE: All "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions. Knowing this, women will have come far in understanding men and enriching their own lives if they carefully review the "C" answers. 1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to: A. Present it to the President of the United States. B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations. C. Take it apart. 2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most? A. Innocence. B. Idealism. C. Cherry bombs. 3. When is it okay to kiss another male? A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions. B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.) C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you are about to have him killed. 4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is: A. A cat. B. A dog. C. A dog that eats cats. 5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say? A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it. B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope. C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen. 6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her? A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner. B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her. C. Tell her what? 7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is: A. "Do they need to eat or anything?" B. "They're in school already?" C. "There are three of them?" 8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear? A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs. B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers. C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody (and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife) is quietly trying to discard his underwear (which she is frankly jealous of because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her). 9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land? A. He was being tested. B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there. C. He didn't need to ask for directions, as he was sure he would recognize where he was somewhere over the next hill. 10. What is the human race's single greatest achievement? A. Democracy. B. Religion. C. TV Remote control.

A MUCH belated Happy Anniversary! Praying for many more! Much Love, Amy

Becky - I too will miss your posts. You are honest and thought provoking and I LOVE your sense of humor. I could go on and on but wont because I hear my boss coming but did want to put my two cents in - you will be missed and please come back when you are ready. We will all be waiting Much Love, Amy

Ginny - As everyone has said, it sounds absolutely beautiful. Thank you for sharing it with us. Much Love, Amy

In spite of myself...I am laughing at that one Good One Frank!

Great One Becky!!!!!