SDianneB

Well said, Cindi. One of my worst fears is NOT being able to die peacefully and as pain free as possible. But, you know there is also another side to this -- the incredible FREEDOM that this gives you at the same time we worry and fret and dread tests and recurrence, etc. It's like, "ok, I know you might get me, but something will, so it might be you, so give it your best shot." Haha. Dare ya to try! There have been some things I've not been happy about in my work for a while, and now -- guess what? I have the FREEDOM to handle and solve them for the first time. Or at least I feel like I do. Because I have a really good handle on the options now that I didn't have a year ago. So, when it's my time, so be it. In the meantime, Sharon and all of you out there in her shoes, God bless you all for being there in our last moments and doing your BEST. That's all a person could ever ask for, and we're truly blessed to have it. Di

The burger place we have here is called Rotier's -- a little family owned joint close to Vanderbilt that has been here forever, and has the BEST burgers ever! They have a grilled cheeseburger that is a slice of heaven! It's a once a year treat for me on my birthday! Di

Addie - you are SO bad!!! (It's why I luv ya, yanno!) Alas, I find myself in desperate straights on my birthday. (sniff sniff) SEND CHOCOLATE! It's the only thing (boo hoo) that can salvage the day! (KIDDING!) Thanks guys. It is SO nice to have a birthday, huh! (Well, except for that getting older thing.) I'm doing my usual birthday thing -- going to the restaurant here tonight that has THE best greasy cheeseburgers ever and having my annual splurge. Cheeseburger, fries, and a shake. (swoon ) Addie -- just remember payback ... Di

Jen, I don't know the answer to that either. All I know is that I'm grateful for each day. And now, I've started making plans for the future like I used to -- one of the first being a trip into Illinois and northeast Missouri to dig around in (of all things!) old family cemeteries for my family research work. I'll be meeting some cousins that I found through this research -- family I never knew I had. They know what's been going on with me this past year, and have been extremely kind and supportive through it all, so it will be wonderful to finally meet them. I don't know what kind of time I have to live life, but I didn't know that before I found out about the cancer either. (And you know from my profile how I feel about that dropping the other shoe thingie!) Just hang in there. We're here for you. Di

Jen, this is FABULOUS news! YAY!!! I'm sure they'll help you deal with that cough somehow. I'm just so glad you got good results. Di

Sharon, I don't want this to sound callous or unfeeling, but I've read your post several times, and what strikes me every time is the same thing as my first impression, so I'm just going to say it. So what if you did? So what if you helped ease your father out of this life in a painless manner, and helped make the last moments of his life easier? So what? Rather than kicking yourself in the teeth over this forever, I think I'd look at it in a different perspective and think of what you did FOR him, not TO him. And the list of things you did FOR him will be endless, as you know. We're all human. Not a one of us is perfect. Not a one of us always knows the right thing to do at the right time and in the right way. We do our best, and that's what we live with. You loved your father. You did the best you could for him. That's what matters, ultimately. Be peaceful about him -- his life, his death, and the wonderful memories you will always have. Di

Popsicles!!! Also, fresh pineapple is great to refresh the mouth -- canned isn't at all the same, but fresh works really well. Di

Cindy -- another YAY to you on the NED!! I used to have migraines a hundred years ago, and took Percodan or Percogesic for them. I have no idea what they prescribe for them now, but I had one in April -- before my cancer diagnosis in early June. I took Ibuprofin for that since I couldn't get my hands on anything else, and I was surprised that it worked as well as it did. It didn't knock me or the headache out like the heavier drugs did, but it sure did help. I took 3 to start, then waited about 5 hours and took 3 more, and that did the trick. (Realize though that I have a fairly high threshhold for pain, so me taking 3 Ibuprofin is like someone else taking a strong narcotic!) Di

Cindy, that's wonderful! Nothing like that empty headed thing, huh! Di

Beth, mine just wasn't that bad. The Oncologist kept offering to send me to a GI doc to have my esophagus tubed and stretched too, but I said "no thanks." Ick. I had only a week, and really not an entire week, where it was what I'd call "bad," and then began to get better and better. I had some indigestion with it which was a totally new thing to me, but managed that with the Mylanta. Popsicles, and lots of them are what got me through that. Right after I finished chest radiation, my mother was here, and we all went to brunch to celebrate my end of treatment milestone. My sister ordered mimosas for us all, and when I took a sip for the toast, I almost shot through the front door! Zowie! The champagne was more than I could take so soon after! I'd been gradually improving, but just wasn't quite ready for that! I hope this gets better for you -- really. And soon. You're right -- you DO deserve a break. Di

(LOL, Ginny! ) Faye, whatever you've got in terms of spunk, I want some, ok? You go, girl. You are amazing. Di

Well, shucks. One round to the cancer, but the next ones go to your mom. Looks like there is a plan in place, so GO FOR IT! We'll be thinking of you both throughout. Di

First, shrinkage is a GOOD thing -- "significant" shrinkage is even better, so you know that the treatments are working. That was one of the scariest things of all to me at first -- when I was having all that chemo and not knowing if it was doing any good or not. Once I had that first scan after chemo started and it showed significant shrinkage, it gave me the kick in the seat that I needed to stick with treatment - no matter what. Esophagitis is just part of the chest radiation deal, I think. It does get better. Mine didn't last too long, and I got through it by eating lots and lots of popsicles -- they help a lot with fluids, and I was told that fluids are very helpful not only while having chemo, but especially with radiation. Bananas worked well, as did mashed potatoes, oatmeal, grits (yes, I'm a southerner, and there's nothing in the world better than grits!), mac & cheese went down ok too. It's just whatever tastes the best and goes down smoothest to her, I guess. The Radiation Oncologist told me to sip on Mylanta or something like that for the esophagitis. He said that just before eating a spoonful of that might help the food go down better. I tried it a few times, and I think it did help, but as I said, mine wasn't so bad, and I really didn't need anything once I figured out what was easiest to get down. She's on the same roller coaster as we all are now, and there will be many ups and downs. I see cause to celebrate the significant shrinkage though -- that's grand news in my book! Di

Way to go, Heather's mom! Yay!! Dontcha love being "empty headed?" Di

ROLF!! I had 2 hot flashes -- 3 years ago! One in the middle of the night, and another one the next afternoon, then no more since then. Go figure. Di

Ok guys, you can be excused from this one if you want, but I'm curious as to what the experiences have been of other women regarding menopause while having cancer treatment. When I first started chemo, they told me I'd probably stop having periods, and may start again or may not when it was over. (They also told me I'd lose my hair -- not "might" but WOULD, and I didn't!) I was 51, and had been perimenopausal for about 3 years, so that was good news to me, except it didn't happen. When I started radiation, the Radiation Oncologist told me that the radiation would probably finish off whatever was left in my ovaries and that would be the end of that. That same day when I went home, guess what? Another period, and I've had one every month since then. Not like they used to be, but still having them. The OB/GYN doc was sort of surprised too, but said that it isn't unusual for it to take a LONG time for menopause to kick in with some women. Anyone else? Di

Cindi - that's wonderful! Good, good, good. May you have a LOT more of that good stuff from now on. Di

Marge, that is terrific! Well done! It's a tremendous lifter of spirits to have good scan results, so maybe that will help bump you out of your funk. We're right here, so if you feel down, just come in and say so! I'm so very proud that you are fighting so hard, and sharing your experiences with us. Happy New Year! Di

Mary Ann -- TOO funny! That was my "theory" too -- just don't mess with my hair, and it won't fall out! Yeahright. I never lost my hair during chemo, but was prepared to lose it when I had the PCI. I actually completed all the PCI without it coming out, but about a week later, I started shedding. I've lost a few clumps, but still have hair covering my head, just thinner. I'm wearing the little knit turbans too - love them, and may not want hair again! For the past 2 days, it's only a small amount coming out. If that holds up through the weekend, I'll probably make a trip to the hairdresser and get it cut off really short again. (I had it cut really short when I started chemo thinking it would all fall out and it didn't.) The package inserts for the Carboplatin I had list hair loss as a "possible secondary" side effect. The inserts for the Etoposide list it as a primary side effect. I had oral Etoposide over a 10 day period for 4 rounds, but didn't experience the hair loss. Looks like we're true to form here in that we are all quite different in how we tolerate all this. Di

Jen, I go for scans at 8:00 or so in the morning, and then (on the same day) from there to the Oncologist's office where they have the report in my chart before I get there. Now, I tell them when I come in that I want a copy of it on CD, and they have that waiting on me when I leave. I think I've strafed (verbally!) those people enough that they finally get it now!! I hear you too -- I have no idea why I have a good attitude most of the time, other than just to say that I will it to be that way. Why? Because I do NOT like the alternatives. I'm pretty hard headed (probably why my hair hasn't all fallen out -- I think I have a thin layer of concrete under my scalp hanging onto it!) and once I made the commitment to have treatment, I never looked back. Just like you and Addie and many others, it takes some getting used to to realize I won't ever be *the same*. Not ever. I want this to be one of those "well, we've treated and cured your nasty little disease, and you don't have to worry about it any more" things, but it isn't. It isn't going to be that way no matter how much I want it to be. Consider something else too. I have a sister who had a heart attack a little over 2 years ago. She was very fortunate to have been where she could get immediate treatment, and only had to have stent placement rather than open heart surgery. She had minimal heart damage, but still has heart disease that she will have the rest of her life. I worry that my cancer will come back and that I'll have to go through months of chemo/radiation again, and feel worse the next time around, and what if, and what if, and ... But she has the same thing -- what if she has another heart attack, and isn't so fortunate the next time? She has fears just like we do, for a different disease, but just as real. I watched a friend die over a 2 year period in the 80s from ALS, at age 45. It was horrifying. But as long as she could be, she was still my friend Bobbie, and her personality shone through. I will never forget her, and she's been my inspiration more than once through my own ordeal. You'll find your own inspiration somewhere, sometime. It won't be the same as mine or anyone else's -- it will be your own. Hang in there. Di

Leandra, this is scary -- REALLY scary. Even to old folks like me. But you're not alone -- not here in this forum and not out in the rest of the internet or the real world. I bet if you ask around where your dad is being treated, they might have some counselors they can refer you to, or maybe the schools can suggest someone. What's important is that you acknowledge that you're scared, and not be afraid or intimidated to ask questions and find out what's going on with your dad. Sounds to me like you're one tough cookie, and can help your dad get through this. My best wishes to you. Di

Eileen -- we don't disagree at all. I just didn't 'splain it as well as you did! For sure there is a line between posting about someone personally in anger, and expressing anger over physical problems. I was just trying to point out that there are many other sides to this. Unfortunately, I left out what you pointed out which is so very obvious. Di (who has "mea culpa" set up in a macro on her PC)

MaryAnn -- if you "tame your tongue," or can't be honest, what kid of support site will this become? What if we all started doing that, and didn't post about reality for fear of scaring someone? I agree that tact is a real plus in this kind of forum, but holding back in that manner doesn't really serve the purpose of what someone going through this needs, does it? To me, that would just mean going to visit a professional in real life so I could speak freely. The last thing I'd want would be for this kind of forum to become nothing but touchy-feely. If someone feels awful, has received the run around from his/her health care team, feels like taking a dive off the Empire State Building or whatever, seems like they should feel free to be here and to just say that. Tomorrow, things may be different, but to hold back? Naw. Ripoff! MaryAnn, you've been a source of inspiration, and I enjoy reading what you write as well as many others around here. If I ever got the feeling you weren't telling things exactly how they are, I'd be extremely disappointed. I was hesitant myself to write about PCI, as sweet Alice was having such a difficult time of it, but I did it anyway, because it was reality. I've written about my ordeal with inept health care "professionals," and the hoops I've had to jump through that I shouldn't have. ALL reality. ALL something that may help new people here. Please don't take this the wrong way, but the worst case scenario to me would be to see this forum lose real people who are battling cancer or who are caring for their loved ones over losing "experts." If those people leave, then this forum doesn't have the purpose I initially thought it did, and that would be incredibly sad to me. We can find "experts" all over the internet -- web sites are posted here almost weekly, and a lot of them have places where you can ask questions and/or research to find answers. Not a one of them is going to tell you much that is concrete, because they can't without seeing you in person. I know that those "experts" serve a great purpose too, and that doesn't go unappreciated by me. But ... I'd rather lose all of them than even one person battling cancer who might leave this forum, or even one person who felt they could no longer be open and honest about what they post. Di

Don, it does for sure. Somberly yours, Di

My advice? Read and absorb what these people are telling you. I've been fortunate in so many ways, but at the time I was diagnosed, I had such a feeling of dread -- it's hard to explain. I felt like my days were numbered, and the number wasn't very large. Knowing what I do now, being demanding when I needed to be and prodding some of my health care providers along the way added a LOT to my more positive outlook and to my odds in favor of survival, I think. Getting a second opinion is NEVER wrong, if that's what you all decide to do. Whatever you decide, you have my best wishes. Di