lukiss Posted January 8, 2005 Share Posted January 8, 2005 Hi there, My name is Heather, and I dont know where else to go. My dad has small cell lung cancer, and I dont know what to do anymore. He was diagnosed over a year ago, even though they said he'd only last 4 monthes. He was totally tolerating chemo etc. he would have bumps of superior vena cava syndrome, etc. When he was diagnosed he was also told it was in the adrenal and lymph nodes. chemo was making the adrenals go down. anyways about a month and a half ago they did a pulup surgury on his sinuses, and every since then he has gone super down hill. i think its just a coincidence. he has los ALOT of weight, stopped taking care of himself, because he cant.. like house stuff, bills, feeding cat etc. i am struggling to help him, he doesnt let me some days, he wants to get to it all. so that is one thing i would love advice on., he hasnt paid his bills in over a month. wants to do it himself, but i dont want his stuff to get turned off. i have a constant struggle between taking care of him, trying to still respect his wishes and seeing the reality of what he is doing which i dont think he sees. my biggest thing i cant handle right now is , when he keeps telling me how horrible he feels, i dont knwo what to do. he is unbeleivably short of breath, and the drs dont do anything about it. are they ignoring him, i mean really short of breath, why? is there anything we can do? he is soo tired of spitting and coughing stuff up, is there anything i can do.? thanks, heather Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lukiss Posted January 8, 2005 Author Share Posted January 8, 2005 sorry, i forgot to mention that he is still doing chemo, and he had to have 2 units of blood transfusion this week, and he said it didnt help him feel better. he tells me that he is going ot live one more year at least and i met with a hopsice lady just to see what they offer, and she siad with the symptoms that i have told her that i would be lucky with 6 weeks, does anyone know? thanks again, heather Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frank Lamb Posted January 8, 2005 Share Posted January 8, 2005 lukiss, I am sorry your father and yourself are going thru so much right now.I'm also sorry I can't answer your questions.I do want you to know that response time on weekends is usually a little slower than on weekdays here.There will be other members on the board who may be able to help you.I think you should also post this in the ask the experts section if you haven't already. I have different type & scenario of cancer.I have undergone chemo and radiation however and can attest that chemo can do lots of crazy things to you. I also think if he is doing real bad mabe you should consider getting him to the dr.soon or an emergency room if the drs. unavailable.Make sure he isn't having allergic reaction or other possibly serious problem.It seems to me that you really should have a doctor involved here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lukiss Posted January 8, 2005 Author Share Posted January 8, 2005 thanks, he wont let me take him to the hospital. he is really stubborn and sure of what he wants to do.. he is down to 148 when he used to be 180. thanks for replying, i will keep a watch... i just am scared because i dont know how to help someone who wont let u help them. and i feel like he way sicker than he wants to realize. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ginnyde Posted January 8, 2005 Share Posted January 8, 2005 Heather, It is very tough to help someone that does not want help. Maybe you can take the approach of how much you love him and how you are hurting to see him not taking care of himself and his life. Tell him that it you make YOU feel good to help him. He may also need an antidepressant. Many lc patients are taking one and it does help. Keep us posted. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ry Posted January 8, 2005 Share Posted January 8, 2005 Heather, I am sorry for what you are going through. This is hard I know. I think there are some things you are going to have to step in and just do. He may get angry but he needs to have the bills paid. Don't make a production out of it, just pay them when he is napping, clean the house etc. About his health, can you call his doctor about his shortness of breath? They may want to see him or order oxygen for him to have at home. I know you are walking a fine here and I wish you luck. Rochelle Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stand4hope Posted January 8, 2005 Share Posted January 8, 2005 Hi Heather and WELCOME! Ry has given you some very good advice. Somehow, you just have to figure out a way to take charge and you might have to let him be mad. Just pay what you can, even if you have to sneak to do it, especially the light bill, phone bill, water bill, etc. I know it's easier said than done. My parents would have been just as difficult if they had decided they could have done everything themselves. Fortunately, that didn't happen, but if it had, I would have been writing your question above because I sure wouldn't have wanted to "mess with" my mom and dad if they said "No!" LOL! I don't think you can force treatment on him if he just flat insists he won't go, but I sure would pull out all the stops trying to get him more attention, especially for the breathing. Good luck with all this, Heather. I will say a prayer and ask God to give you guidance and strength. Love, Peggy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimmek Posted January 8, 2005 Share Posted January 8, 2005 Hi Heather, This is tough, I know, my Mom has cancer and seems like she and your Dad come from the same mold. The main thing I have figured out is that its is very hard to reverse roles. Suddenly you have a new description of being a daughter. I have had to "get on to" my mom, I am the one telling her what to do, and I have taken over her check book, something that she is very very private about. Like you said the bills have to be paid and she was not up to it. I dont think that she liked all of this, especially as Mom is so so independant and has been since her and my dad divorced 20 yrs ago. In Moms case, she got so much worse after the chemo and radiation were over. Ended up having to have surgery on her back for a compressure fracture and has never been the same since. This was mid Nov. We have had numerous issues about going to the ER, as she hates it. But she was telling me her symptoms and how she was feeling and it scared me. She waits and waits till she couldnt handle the pain any longer, or her breathing got so bad it scared her. She was pretty much always ok. Please get hold of your Dad's dr, tell him whats going on and see what he decides. I know moms is pretty easy to reach, someone will always call back. And by all means pull out the tears if its what it takes for your dad to see what this is doing to you. I will add you and your dad to my prayers and please feel free to pm me if you wannt talk. God bless Kim Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andrea Posted January 8, 2005 Share Posted January 8, 2005 Hi. I dont have anything to add other than what has aslready been said. I just wanted to say welcome to this wonderful website, you will get lots of support and information here. Hang in there. I kjnow how tough it is trying to help our parents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Justakid Posted January 8, 2005 Share Posted January 8, 2005 Heather- Hang in there! I can say that it's been 3 mths since my last treatment and I had a minor procedure this past Thursday. I am still trying to recover from it now. Seems it takes longer for us to heal of even feel better. Hang in there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ellakc2 Posted January 9, 2005 Share Posted January 9, 2005 Hi Heather, I know where your coming from. My dad passed in 99 from Pancreatic cancer. There was no more of a stubborn or thick headed man than him. (German). He tryed to install a dryer in the basement three weeks before he passed. Needless to say he couldn't finish and had to be carried up the steps. Your dad needs to feel he's in charge, even though he's not doing things. Sneek to do things. Even if he gets mad. My dad got real mad, but he got glad again, when I explained it made me feel good to help. If you go with that approach maybe that will help. Good luck and stay strong, he really does need you even if he acts like he doesn't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lukiss Posted January 9, 2005 Author Share Posted January 9, 2005 Thanks everyone.. My dad is so so. I went over yesterday a few times, he wanted some soup from a particular restraunt, he ate it so that was good. He is obsessed with sweets too, which isnt him at all, so i got him some pie he wanted too, which he ate. He is still mean and irratable. HIs breatihng is still rapid but better than the day before and he says its because he hadnt left the bed at all. I take him to the dr on Tuesday. I called his dr, and he wanted him admitted but my dad said NO. So, I can only do so much.. About his bills, I am going to write them all today, the checks and ask him to sign them, and then mail them. If he resists that too, then I know something is wrong with him and from there I will just do it on my own completely. thanks everyone,. the worst part is when he doesnt answer the phone for hours and u call n call, and are afraid to go over there, of what you might find, I wish I wasnt so afraid. I wish I wasnt so completly alone, I have no one at all helping at all, he has another daughter but thinks doing drugs is more important, she hasnt even called in 3 monthes. I wish my last interactions with my dad, wasnt so methodical and sad and me trying to patch up all the harm he does when I go over to help. thanks for listening.. lukiss Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daggiesmom Posted January 9, 2005 Share Posted January 9, 2005 Heather, After reading your thread about your problems with Dad I just want to say that you're a wonderful daughter and caregiver. You are in a tough position and are really making the most of it. It must be so hard. Maybe tomorrow you can bring up going to the Dr. again, you never know, he may change his mind and listen. Also, maybe the hopital/dr. might be able to direct you to a social worker who may be able to help you with managing your Dad. Also, I wouldn't take what the hospice woman said as THE WORD. No one knows how long someone will live and by dwelling on that, you lose hope. Please hang on to your hope. It's really important. Remember to post if you need to vent or ask questions, also the "Ask the Expert" forum is really good for medical questions. Take care, Joanie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DeanCarl Posted January 9, 2005 Share Posted January 9, 2005 Heather, Right now you are doing maybe the hardest job known to man. Trying to help someone who doesn't want help but desperately needs it is a bear! But, like you said, somethings HAVE to get done and I'm glad you have the courage to do those things even though you know it might irritate your father. A little story: A LONG time ago I blew out an ankle. I was laid up for over 2 months (a BAD blow out). Now, I'm a bull headed Norwiegen who, of course has to do EVERYTHING for my self. I had two very close friends (a couple) who were trying to help me out at the time and all I was doing was making life difficult for them. After about a week the lady had had enough. She looked at me and almost yelled "What right have YOU to not let us love you!". Stopped me dead in my tracks, let me tell you. From that point on I let them help. Hope things work out for you! Dean Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mayos Posted January 9, 2005 Share Posted January 9, 2005 As always Dean....Words of Wisdom....It's nice seeing you post again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lukiss Posted January 10, 2005 Author Share Posted January 10, 2005 thanks everyone... well i went over today to find covers off of him, that I am so glad about because he has been freezing lately. he has just started taking tylenol and swares its helping him feel warm.. he says he is having a " twilight zone" feeling when he coughs, i asked him to explain and he said a kind of numbness.. I dont know. But I wrote out the utility checks, and had him sign then, he grunted, but he signed them. I told him I could do his credit cards, etc if he wanted me too, but he got mad at me and said no that he would do them.. I am fine if his stubborness wants to mess his credit up, I just really needed to keep the lights and heat on. lol today was not perfect by all means, he yelled at my son a few times for not really good reasons, but for the most part he was better than usual. My son is 2 1/2 and loves my dad to pieces, I am just trying to teach him to tell gpa, " i dont like that gpa" when he does things that luke doesnt like, ie yelling at him.... thanks to all that have listened and responded, it means alot. my husband doesnt even really know how to respond because he is torn with the way i get treated and cant fix things so he gets frustrated, and he cant understand anyways.. i wish i wish there was no such thing as cancer... it is the real evil in the world.. thanks again, lukiss Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ken f. Posted January 10, 2005 Share Posted January 10, 2005 hi heather, you can only ask that you be allowed to help. you can only be there ready and willing. and this is when you child learns from you how to live and how to try to help others. i hope you can keep putting out without regret. it may be your turn in the barrel so try to make the most of the ride. yours, ken Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.