Lung Cancer and no sympathy

[elkiesmom]

Gary is so tired of people who find out that he has LC say to him "oh you smoked"That is the first thing they say not I am so sorry or can I help you. People do discriminate with people who have LC rather then those who have a different type of cancer. Why is it that woman with breast cancer are never told "oh you must have eaten to much. I do know that I feel as does Gary that when someone sees his cute bald head and askes what type of Cancer does (did) he have we both say lung cancer and before they can say anything else we say he is a non smoker. Has anyone else had this happen to them?

[bunny]

it drives me up a tree. I know tons of people have posted about this, too. I feel the same way you do - no one asks 'how' anyone got any other kind of cancer. as was said by a few of us the last time this subject came up, it smacks of the early days of AIDS and it's monstrous.

[elkiesmom]

it drives me up a tree. I know tons of people have posted about this, too. I feel the same way you do - no one asks 'how' anyone got any other kind of cancer. as was said by a few of us the last time this subject came up, it smacks of the early days of AIDS and it's monstrous.

You are right I forgot how some people acted then but you don't find that mind set so much anymore. LC has been around much longer and even the doctors say even if you quit many years ago you should have never started smoking the damage had already been done. I just don't buy that just like I don't buy overweight woman are prone to have brest cancer.

[Don Wood]

Unfortunately, this happens to everyone with lung cancer, smoker or not. There is no other cancer that gets this type of response. We are used to it after three years, but still reel at it. We try to educate those who are willing to listen, and forget the rest. Hang in there. Don

[Darci]

Hmmm...I guess I hadn't thought about this much, we are very new too all of this, and haven't really run into it.

I am a member of an international adoption support group very similar to this one as our children are adopted from Guatemala. There have been numerous discussions on how to respond to any number of insensitive or downright rude comments (luckily, we have not run into this with regards to our family). My most favorite response, which can be used in almost any situation is to say to the person "why do you ask?". Then, they have to explain to you why they feel it was necessary for them to ask the insensitive question in the first place. Kind of makes them feel uncomfortable, and give you the opportunity to explain and enlighten the person...or to let them know that it is none of their business.

I am sorry that you are having to go through this...cancer is tough enough.

[Fay A.]

Yep...it's a constant battle for me to bite my own tounge instead of bite the asker's head off.

My response is usually based upon how the question has been asked. Some people don't mean to be unkind.

You could counter with "Why do you ask?"

or, how about: "If you don't know me well enough to know the answer to that question then you don't know me well enough to ask it."

or :"So, tell me...do you ask those with Cervical Cancer or Penis Cancer how many people they slept with?" (if you look at the statistics you'll find that the percentages of those wiht Cervical Cancer and Penis Cancer are very close to those on Lung Cancer re numbers engaging in risky behaviors at a young age, percentage of those with the disease who did not engage in risky behaviors at a young age who develop the disease anyway, those who engaged in risky behavior at a young age, but stopped many, many years ago but go on to develop the disease in later years.

Or maybe: "Are you trying to imply that I deserve to have cancer?"

Or my all time favorite: "Did you know that only 18 percent of people who smoke go on to develop Lung Cancer? And did you know that about 20 percent of those who have Lung Cancer also have no first or second hand tobacco exposure. And did you know that over 50 percent of those who are diagnosed with Lung Cancer are either former or never smokers? And while you're at it, since you seem to know so much perhaps you can tell me which of my "risk factors" you think plays a greater role in my having developed Lung Cancer at such a young age: 1. The fact that I have a whole 9 pack year history. or 2. That in my family I am the third generation to have Lung Cancer, and out of all those relatives, less than half have any tobacco smoke exposure history at all?"

But sometimes I just look them in the eyes and say " I have the equal opportunity form of Lung Cancer, and don't you think for one minute that because you don't smoke this cannot and will not happen to you."

Now that one get's their attention.

[bunny]

I love Darci's suggestion. Suki told me she usually says something like "27 years ago, what's it to ya?"

[bcbcbc]

I think it's unreasonable to expect much in the way of sympathy in regard to lung cancer.

It is beyond doubt that the vast majority--85% or more of NSCLC cases are attributable to smoking cigarettes. As such it is the consequence of an addiction just as cirrhosis of the liver is largely a consequence of alcoholism as certain other diseases may be the consequence of drug addiction.

The fact of the matter is that our smoking has imposed and continues to impose an enormous cost on society--uninsured and unrecoverable health care costs, loss of productivity, effects of second-hand smoke, and on and on.

We're dumping this multi-billion $$$ tab on society at large--and we want sympathy yet? Fuggedaboudit.

Personally--for me--it is important that I accept responsibility for the illness I have substantially brought upon myself. I don't mean this to be some kind of exercise in self-flagellation or Judaeo-Christian guilt/shame.

Rather it is a matter of acceptance of the truth.

I did quit smoking about 15 years ago. By then I had already logged maybe 50 pack-years. The surgeon general's warning was on most of those packs.

I don't mean this to offend anyone whose opinion may differ my mine. It's just the way I see it.

[Donna G]

It is a connection that has been carefully taught.

Like Breast Cancer, Mom and apple pie--

Lung Cancer , smoking and cigarettes.

Donna G

[Shar]

This is one subject that gets my blood boiling. NOBODY deserves to go through what we go through. I was diagnosed at 38, yet people justify it by saying "well she did smoke after all", GRRRRRRRRR. There is so much publicity on breast cancer in this country, I am sick of it to be honest. When somebody knocks on my door for a donation I kindly tell them that I think breast cancer is getting enough funding and I would rather put my money into finding more treatment options for lung cancer and bowel cancer, you know, the not so sexy cancers.

It would be so easy to tell these tactless people to bugger off, however I have too many manners for that. Instead I just ask them if I am any more deserving of a cancer with limited treatment options than anybody else. I hate people sometimes!!!!

Sharon

[dadstimeon]

First thing people used to ask me in the beginning, did I smoke? Now when the subject comes up "I have lung cancer" before they say anything else I say the answer to your 64,000 dollar questions is no I never smoked a cigarette in my life, you don't have to smoke to get lung caner. Love the look on there face! I try to bring awareness/education about lung cancer if they are interested but I do not force feed it.

Right now I think Lung Cancer is where Breast Cancer and Aids was at years ago. Unfortunately it is going to take time to turn things around. To this day I still don't understand why people think you only get lung cancer by smoking? Don't have to be Marcus Welby to know that there is more then one way to get lung cancer.

[Snowflake]

Personally--for me--it is important that I accept responsibility for the illness I have substantially brought upon myself. I don't mean this to be some kind of exercise in self-flagellation or Judaeo-Christian guilt/shame.

BC,

I didn't bring the disease on myself, I'm one of those lucky never smokers on this trail. Although you are walking this walk with me, your attitude about being deserving is hurting you AND me. I have grown to expect the smoking question from those who are not intimately associated with lung cancer and the implication that smokers with lung cancer deserve it, but I have to say that to hear it from one on the journey is a surprise.

Yes, take responsibility for having smoked, but PLEASE, think about what you are saying. More smokers have heart disease than lung cancer, yet there isn't the stigma nor the questions when someone has a freakin' heart attack! I think the most common question after someone experiences a "bout" of heart disease is "Do you have a family history of heart disease?" NOT "Did you smoke?" or "Did you upsize your Big Mac Value Meal".

I want there to be a cure, but as long as it's a "deserved" disease, the research just isn't popular. Don't add to the stigma, and don't be a martyr for me. I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm looking for a CURE.

Becky

[midge]

I quit smoking ten years before diagnosis because I wanted to try and prevent lung cancer from occurring in me....so much for that mode of thinking. It bothers me tremendously when people say "geez, did you smoke"?

I see lots of people with unhealthy lifestyles who chose not to change what their doing and then boo hoo when something traumatic happens to them. At least I tried to head of this monster for a number of years before it got to me....now hopefully I can stay healthy enough to fight it off.

[nonni]

This topic really pushes my button's....First thing that is said...'did you smoke???"....Ahhhhh yessssssss....but guess what...my LC was the kind that DID NOT come from smoking ...so there!!!!!...grrrrr....

Sorry you have to hear this...but just have to let it roll right over your head...some people are just sooo ignorant..but what really psssss me off the most...is even the GOVERMENT takes this attitude...that's why not much funding....Sorry for venting..but I warned you...this subject pushes my button's...ha

Hope everyone is feeling good...love to all ..and God Bless....Pam S.

[Treebywater]

I've thought and thought about WHY people always ask, and WHY it doesn't occur to them that it's insensitive. In fact, people STILL ask me now even that Mom's gone. I had a woman have the audacity to ask me "If your Mom knew five years ago what she would go through, and that she would die, would she have quit?" I was like... um... What difference does it make? (Though I was tempted to say--If Mom knew five years ago that she was going to die soon, she probably would have smoked as much as she wanted, eaten as much as she wanted, and most of all gone to Las Vegas and any Riverboat or other casino around and gambled til all her money was gone. Wouldn't you?)

Anyway. My theory on the why has many possibilities.

1) People don't know what to say and they say that just to 'make conversation.'

2) Blame the ACS and the high school textbooks and all the media that has linked the two things inextricably.

3) People want to make themselves feel better and less vulnerable to such a monster of a disease so they find a reason for the people to have it that doesn't apply to them.

4) People are dumb and I just need to get used to it.

It infuriates me too.

[Jana_W]

" People are dumb and I just need to get used to it. "

Val, you sweetie, thanks for making me laugh today. I LOVED your comment. I also agree that people don't know what to say and mentioning smoking is the first thing they think to say. I am not excusing it, just trying to help work out why they ask.

Jana

xxx

[slinaresholz]

Yes, people are very nasty about it even some of the doctors. I'm sorry for their attitude toward your husband's cancer. You know, an archivist in our city said that tobacco smoking was very prevelant in our city's history and yet their was no lung cancer or many resperatory problems like now. Do you notice so many people seem to get it these days. It makes me wonder about all the pollution from factories etc. Prayers for you both,

Sharon

[bunny]

I think the smoking message is relevant in terms of prevention. I think kids should be told that, among other things, you can get sick in various ways from smoking. In that sense, I think bc's point is well taken (and I respect him for expressing what is sure to be an unpopular position so clearly )

I think it's two different issues, though. prevention with smoking education makes sense. underfunding research and ignoring or writing off people who are already sick does not. continuing with the AIDS analogy - there's nothing wrong with telling people unprotected sex is dangerous, but if you get it anyway, here's your treatment/help/etc. I think it makes sense.

what drives me nuts is the idea that my mom does not deserve help, or that her illness is any less tragic, because it may or may not be traceable back to her smoking.

that's all. this debate will go on for a long time, I fear.

xoxo

amie

[daggiesmom]

Without sounding too sour, I must say that from my experiences over the past three years or so, I've come to learn somethings:

People say stupid things when A. they don't know what else to say or B. They're just plain stupid or C. They're mean people.

Over the course of the past three years I've encountered all types. Believe me, some days I want to just let them have it but good. Makes for an intollerablly high level of stress sometimes.

As an example of stupid - for some strange reason a neighbor in my building looks at me and my hubby at 7;30 am on the way to work and says'Geez, you guys look exhausted." Thanks alot, why not tell me I look lousy just to make my day! This one is noted for stupid remarks everytime she opens her mouth. "Geez, I see you've got drycleaning there, I should do that" she says. This woman hasn't cleaned or done laundry for years; her maid does it while SHE eats her way into oblivion in front of the tv. My hubby said we should have told her we we're up all night, going at it like bunnies and that's why we look tired.

Anyway that's my two cents. Seems to me I'm surrounded by stupidity. Some people are really great, but many need a good smack upside the head sometimes.

Joanie (grumpy today)

[Ann]

Don't get me started on this one! I used to hate that question. We would get asked everytime someone heard that Dennis had lung cancer. Someone on our board said that they merely answer the question "Do you smoke" with "Only when I'm on fire." That has to be the best one yet!!!

[SDianneB]

I think lots of times it just comes from ignorance. People tend to avoid dealing with cancer, meaning discussing it or taking it too seriously, unless they have it or someone in their family or a close friend has it. Consequently, most of what they hear about it is breast cancer, Lance Armstrong, etc. -- the stuff that gets the big media attention.

Since LC isn't in that category, unfortunately most people will remain ignorant about it, because it isn't something they would take time to look up n their own. Even when you try to tell people you are sometimes met with a blank stare, like you're trying to pull one over on them or something.

One of the ironies in all this is that they will dig and dig and read everything they can get their hands on about breast cancer, for example, while one of the facts they seldom see about breast cancer is that it is 95% curable if detected early, vs. lung cancer and the stigma that prevents many young non-smoking women from seeking help early enough to nip it in the bud.

I'd like to give people the benefit of the doubt that they just don't know all this. I sure didn't until I found out I had LC. Whenever I can, I try to tell people the truth.

Di

[SBeth]

Two women sitting in the waiting area of the cancer center where Bill gets his treatment had the following conversation last year during the time when the influenza vaccines where sparse...

Woman #1: The nurse said that the flu shots were going to be given to patients in the advanced stages first.

Woman #2: I don't think that's right, the people with lung cancer shouldn't get them at all.

Woman #1: Yeah, they won't survive anyway and they should have thought about what all that smoking was doing to their bodies.

Woman #2: We should tell the doctor how we feel.

I sat there and bit my tongue for fear that Bill would be posting my bail if I allowed myself the luxury of giving them a piece of my mind. I regret my actions, or lack of action, that day and I will for the rest of my life.

Joanie is right. People can be stupid and mean; on the flip side, there are some people that have hearts of gold.

No solutions, just a little more fuel to the fire...

[jean44]

Being diagnosed with lung cancer was devestating to my Dad. He had been a smoker for many years. The guilt that came from him smoking and being diagnosed with lung cancer was overwhelming. Shortly after his diagnosis he posed this question to his oncologist "Did smoking cigarettes cause my cancer?". Dr. Hawley's response was "I have studied the reasearch but, I cannot tell you 100% that smoking caused your lung cancer. The facts are not there for me to tell you that. My Dad was exposed to many things where he was employed that could have been a factor also, living near a couple of power plants could have been a issue. I guess the bottom line is, I was thankful that Dr. Hawley's response was honest. I believe when a person is fighting for their lives against this disease they don't need the distraction of guilt. They need support, not judgement. I believe my Dad was able to concentrate on fighting the battle and less time feeling guilty. Although my Dad lost his life to lung cancer he was able to get over the guilt and never give up. My response to others is not a kind one when they ask if my Dad ever smoked.

[elkiesmom]

Yes, take responsibility for having smoked, but PLEASE, think about what you are saying. More smokers have heart disease than lung cancer, yet there isn't the stigma nor the questions when someone has a freakin' heart attack! I think the most common question after someone experiences a "bout" of heart disease is "Do you have a family history of heart disease?" NOT "Did you smoke?" or "Did you upsize your Big Mac Value Meal".

I want there to be a cure, but as long as it's a "deserved" disease, the research just isn't popular. Don't add to the stigma, and don't be a martyr for me. I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm looking for a CURE.

Becky

Thank you Becky for saying what I wanted to say but I am a coward at times. I do so want to get the LC wrist bands but I don't want to draw attention to LC. On the other hand I see breast cancer bands and pins all over and we have to draw attention to LC as well.Our cancer center doesn't even have the LC wrist bands though I know I can order them here on this site. I just don't understand that they blame smoking for LC and are just now blaming Obesity to breast cancer but that is all right I quess.I thought since Dana Reeves got LC people whould get the message that you don't have to smoke to get lC but they are blaming her LC on second hand smoke.

Lorrie

[daggiesmom]

Just an aside on wrist bands - I live in NYC and work near a major University. I cannot tell you how many people wear yellow bands and are hanging around the park smoking up a storm. It seems that the yellow bracelets were the big thing - not what the philosophy behind them entails.

Joanie