Fay A. Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 Cancer is not a gift. It is not a punishment. It is disease. Period. I find it offensive when it is portrayed as either.
Snowflake Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 Cancer is not a gift. It robs me of my sleep, it puts worry in my life, it has added fear to my waking moments, it has ended another phase of "innocence". It has added scars and long-term side effects and problems doing simple tasks like breathing while bending over to make the bed. I have learned a lot about myself in the three years I've lived with the knowledge of having a disease that could very likely kill me. I've learned that no matter how low I feel, it is always possible to go lower. I've learned that there is no one who deserves cancer and all people that have it are not saints-in-waiting nor martyrs, they are just PEOPLE who got a bad roll of the dice. I've learned that although some of the stress eases as I get further out from diagnosis, the stress and worry will NEVER completely go away. Every headache leads to thoughts about a spread to the brain, every ache leads to thoughts of bone mets, everything that happens physically leads to thoughts of "What if?". I never had that before. I don't see cancer as a gift. I've learned a lot about myself in a short period of time, but it would have been nice to gain that knowledge in my 50's and coast on it into old age... I don't consider it a gift. The ability to string together words and keep an audience's attention is a gift, being able to make sad people laugh is a gift, dealing with cancer is not. Hugs to you, Fay, for keeping it real.
Treebywater Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 Yes and Yes. I can sugar-coat and spin a lot of things, but this isn't one of them.
Geri Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 If cancer is a gift then I wish to be removed from the gift list as soon as possible. This "gift" took away a space of my life that I can never get back and left me with a doubt that will never go away. It robbed my husband and daughter of their piece of mind forever where my health is concerned. My husband can no longer look forward, with any normal degree of certainty, to spending his retirement years with me. The only gifts I received from cancer are the tattoos on my chest and uncomfortable scar tissue that will always be a reminder of what I went through. So far I'm one of the lucky ones on this board, but that could change in a heartbeat and a recurrance would certainly not be received as a gift. I can think of a lot of words to describe this disease and gift is not one of them. Geri
Kris Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 I didn't receive any "gift" by losing my precious dad. And maybe have even become a "damaged goods" gift myself as I try to deal with the hard feelings that remain. I learned a lot about other people and our healthcare system that certainly is not a gift. I've learned of a hurt that is so strong that after two and a half years I can still tear up at any moment and the thought of the suffering I witnessed, if given too much thought, could bring me to my knees with grief. No, no gifts recieved here. One of the gifts in my life is my dad and he was taken away. Kris
bunny Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 love you, Fay. keeping it real is right. cancer is not a gift, but YOU are!! xoxo amie
Ann Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 I can understand why you feel that cancer is not a gift but I think we should all be a little more respectful of posts on this board. I think you should each put yourself in the shoes of the kind and caring person that posted this thread and see how you would feel if so many people made such harsh remarks. Different people read different things differently and have different feelings about them. I watched my husband die from cancer. Was that a gift? No. But God has given me many gifts as a result of that experience. One of these gifts has been the opportunity to share and exchange thoughts with the wonderful members of this board. I would hate to think that we are all expected to come to the same conclusion after reading a post! As a moderator, I strongly encourage any member to post anything that they feel strongly about or read and enjoy.
luvmydog2 Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 Thanks for posting this Fay. Becky (Snowflake) I could not have said it better. Ann, you have a good point also. I am sure there will be much debate on this one.
midge Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 I don't see any gift from cancer either..When someone tells me "theres a reason for it all, you just don't know it yet" I want to puke. I had a great life before cancer, cancer has done nothing to make my life seem like I should love it more. I loved it a lot before cancer.
Ann Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 Don't get me wrong her. I didn't post to start a debate and cause any hard feelings. My post was not about whether it "IS" or "IS NOT" a gift but rather about how we all look at things differently.
bunny Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 amen, ann! and what's amazing is there's room here for everyone's 2 cents (or, in my case, 5 bucks ) xoxo
Fay A. Posted December 16, 2005 Author Posted December 16, 2005 I did consider who posted it. Carefully. I was primary caregiver to my Mother, who died of Lung Cancer in 1991. I was 36 years old. I have lost my Mother, her sister, her brothers, Great Aunts, and cousins to Lung Cancer. I am in the process of losing me, bit by bit. Are you implying that the feelings of children of Lung Cancer Patients, or Spouses are somehow more deserving of consideration than the feelings of those of us who have Lung Cancer? Do I, as a Lung Cancer Survivor, not deserve the same respectful consideration before someone posts something that could by any reasonable, thinking person be considered offensive in light of what the patient may actually be experiencing at the time? Your perspective as caregivers and loved ones is different from that of us who have the disease. You are not the ones breaking bones as you move. I understand that. I've been that. But the world that I, the patient, occupy is not the world of the caregiver. Love is a gift. This board is a gift. But Lung Cancer is NOT a gift. It would classify as a learning experience. But every experience should be one of those. And the idea that it would take something this horrendous to make a person evaluate their priorities astounds me. We should be doing it anyway. I'm praying for peace of heart right now, because the truth is I'm much more upset about this than you realize.
Ann Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 Fay, I am very sorry that any of this was offensive to you. Regardless of faith or religion, this time of year (Christmas for me) is a special time of peace and love. I truly hope this can be remembered by all of us.
SDianneB Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 If I may, I'm going to sit on the fence somewhat with this one. I see both sides of it, but would come down on the side that says it is most defininitely NOT a gift. At best, I can just say that what I'm learning about myself through this disease is invaluable. But then again, things can go bad very quickly, and all you will place value on is being able to breathe. Life is the gift, IMO. Many of us are fighting to keep our lives right now, and to have them be relatively normal, pain free, easy days as much as we can. Cancer is my enemy. It won't ever be something I will accept or welcome into my life, it's just there, and I'm trying to get rid of it or stabilize it. Gifts? Yes -- they come in the form of sweet cards and words and letters and phone calls and hugs and all sorts of things. I get it when I hear someone like Lance Armstrong or someone appearing on Oprah when they say that the best thing that happened to them was the cancer. I'm sure they mean being CURED from the cancer. I'm not even close to that yet. Maybe my perspective on it will change the longer I survive. I have no idea. Di
Snowflake Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 When I was young, I thought that to know I was going to die soon versus being hit by a beer truck would be better, if given the choice. When I was young, I saw things in black and white. Life is not black or white, it is varying shades of gray. If I knew for sure I was dying in two weeks, I'd burn some bridges, tell some people what I truly thought of them and tell others how much I really appreciate their time in my life. If I knew for sure....but I don't. I have cancer. It might kill me, it might never return, but I live with that little black cloud daily. Some days it's just a memory, not making itself known with every breath, but still there for the big decisions and in all medical questions. Other days, like today, it's big and ugly - it tilts my view of the whole world and reiterates that life is NOT fair and no one ever said it was. I believe that my thoughts on the inside view of cancer are just as important as someone seeing the world from the outside. I, too, have witnessed loved ones dying of this disease, my thoughts were different, I saw death as a blessing, as an end to the suffering. That was when I was young. Now, I don't see death as a blessing and I don't want someone else deciding how much suffering is "too much" for me. I will decide when I've had enough, no one else. When I was young, I did work on life priorities and introspection. I thought about how people would remember me when I was gone and all the things I could do to change the world for the better - when I was young. Now I'm not so worried about bettering the world, just my little corner of it. I want my family to be happy, because to them, I am the world - to the rest of the world, I'm just a number. I don't think this needs to be a huge debate, nor do I see anything wrong in Fay beginning her own thread. She didn't "hijack" another by posting an opinion that's a 180, she started anew, her post, her thoughts. People should feel free to have their own opinion, to choose something or sit on the fence. It's not rocket science, it's LIFE. As long as I draw breath, I'm sure I'll disagree with someone else's opinion - and that's okay. No need to war about it, respect is due for either side. If it's okay for one to post an opinion, it should be okay for someone else to post a rebuttal, ESPECIALLY if the feeling is strong and the hurt runs deep. It's NOT a gift...and it's not a punishment. I learned that life isn't fair when I was young, it's just been magnified lately. When I was young...a mere three years ago.
cindi o'h Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 My turn. I don't care if anyone sees cancer as a gift or not. I don't. What I do care about is taking care of each other. If I started to type about disagreeing with someone else's post, I would be sitting here typing all day long. This is not about debating whether or not cancer is a gift. This is about being disrespectful of another board member's willingness to share something that she thought might be of value to someone else. Another board member or more may have gained something insightful into her post that was meant for them exactly at that moment. It had not one bone of mean spiritedness in it that I could see. I re-read what the spirituality, inspiration of this forum suggests. Nowhere does it say that this is a debate forum. But, rather it does say ask to be repectful of one another beliefs and opinions. I was miffed when I read your aggressive post, Fay. I felt it was completely inappropriate. If I don't like something someone says and I disagree with it, I can choose to ignore it. You had that choice too. I really think you crossed some boundaries. If I were Melinda, I don't know how I would feel. I would probably feel embarrassd, hurt, confused and very sad. I don't think that I would come back to this board anymore. That is how mortified I would feel. Did you think about that Fay? I am curious.
Snowflake Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 Did you think about that Fay? I am curious. Back off, Cindi. Melinda shouldn't feel embarassed nor should she refrain from posting. I remember a certain person whose first post read something like "I don't want anyone replying to give me their prayers, I just want the facts'. This person continues to receive replies that simply say "I'm praying for you". Should the person be offended that others are not respecting their wishes and stop posting? No. I don't think Fay said anything to be considered out of line in her original post. When she received a bit of a reprimand, she posted her reasons for what she did, simply and to the point. Don't make this out to be more than it is, it's just a difference of opinions. Obviously, you have one, too. Be nice and consider who YOU are writing to, one patient to another. If your post is an attempt to get Fay's opinion deleted due to content of replies, shame on you. Find someone else to screw with. I'm sorry you're having a rough time of it, I think a few of us are right now. Play nice. I'm trying to, didn't swear once and you truly have my Irish up.
cindi o'h Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 I learned a line from a good mentor once. "Don't respond to the ridiculous." Should have listened to him. Cindi o'h
jdjenkins Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 Boy, I feel really bad about responding so positively to Melinda's post. But when I read her post it described all of the things I wanted for my Dad to feel. My Dad has not experienced any joy since he was dx. I don't believe cancer is a gift, but if you have cancer a positive mental attitude can go a long way. As a caregiver I struggle daily to understand what it must be like for my Dad to live with cancer. I try to imagine how I would react if I was the patient. Of course I like to think I would be strong, positive, and live life to the fullest, as best I could. Easy to say, hard to do. Truth is I have no idea how I would react, because unless it happens to me I will never truely understand. I love my Dad so much, and it breaks my heart to see him suffer so emotionally and physically. No cancer is definately not a gift,but I hope I can learn some valueable lessons about life through this journey with my Dad. I think that is what Melinda was trying to say also. She was trying to share her lessons learned with us. Denise
Laura Ann Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 I believe that Fay had every right to her opinion. The fact that she started her own thread instead of posting on the "cancer is a gift" thread shows respect to those with a different view. If people were willing to be intellectually honest, they would have to admit that the phrase "Cancer is a Gift" sounds ridiculous. I remember a while back there was a similar thread titled "making friends with cancer" or something to that effect. I couldn't understand that one and I don't understand this one either. It's a bad choice of words. Laura
cathy Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 I have my opinion and I think I should keep it to myself however I want to hug my friend.. (((FAY)))
Fay A. Posted December 17, 2005 Author Posted December 17, 2005 Denise, You nailed one of my primary objections when you stated, "But when I read her post it described all of the things I wanted for my Dad to feel.". So what kind of pressure does this put on those of us who just aren't up to being perfectly inspirational? I supported my Mother during her illness, treatments, decision to end treatment, and time up until the moment of her death. I would never trivialize her absolutely horrendous experiences, or those of her siblings by making a statement such as "...Cancer is a gift...". We learn empathy for others when we learn that our words or actions have caused pain. Yes, I understood exactly what I was doing and saying. The hurt was that deep.
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