Regrets, Hindsight, etc. while grieving

[bronbear]

I'm not quite sure how to word my thoughts properly and not ramble, but I will try....I lost my dad almost four months ago and I still miss him terribly. After some of the initial pain has dulled, I now find myself questioning how I handled my dad's illness. I was devastated when his cancer came back and although I tried to be a real trouper and boost his spirits, I didn't always succeed. I never broke down in front of him until he got the pneumonia and they were going to air-vac him out and he told me that he was at a cross roads and he didn't think he was going to make it. I started crying and I told him that he had to keep fighting - that I needed him to help me keep my teenage son in line. He did keep fighting and lived almost another month after that. I guess what I am trying to get at is that I never asked him if he was scared of dying - I never asked him to let all that out. My dad was a quiet man and a very strong man. He didn't let his emotions out easily. Even when he would get bad news at the oncologist's office and I would get upset, he would try to make me feel better. He would tell me not to be upset - that he wasn't ready to leave his family yet. I know a lot of you have dealt with loss and with the LC itself and I guess I am asking for a little reassurance that I did the right thing - I never discussed dying with him because I refused to accept that as an outcome. I never wanted him to give up so I couldn't let him think that I had even when things got so bad. Even when the doctor told him no more treatment, I was researching diet and alternative options and talking to him about it. I sure hope I didn't let him down. I loved him so much and he wanted to live so badly. This disease is so unfair...Again, sorry this is long but I needed to sort out some of my feelings. I told my dad I loved him everytime I talked to him and saw him, I left my job for three weeks to be by his side at the end and I guess I still feel like I didn't do enough.

[jean44]

Hi Bronbear,

I can really relate to your post. I lost my Dad to lung cancer over two years ago. From the time he was diagnosed I told my husband that I would have no regrets and I don't. I live 125 miles from home but, rearranged my life so I could be home from Thursday-Sunday for several months to help with Dad's care. He would always tell me that I didn't have to come home every week-end but, nothing could have kept me from it. I also, like you, wondered if Dad was afraid of dying. I never ask. I thought that it was a private issue and if Dad wanted to discuss it he would. To this day, I still wonder if he was scared and it bothers me. But, no regrets. I think if you do all you can and you love all you can then there is no room for regrets. I don't know if any of this has helped you but, please know that I do understand how you feel and I know what it is like to loose someone you love to this horrible disease. I will pray for your peace of mind. I am sure your Dad is smiling down on you

Thinking of you,

Jean

[Ann]

((((((((((((((bronbear))))))))))))))

Please, don't beat yourself up over this. Only once did the word "dying" come up between me and Dennis. He was so determined to beat this damned disease that using the word "dying" seemed to be somewhere he refused to go. Like you, I felt the need to talk and this is where friends came in. I think that men are born to protect their families and be strong. I'm sure your dad was much more worried about you that he ever was about himself. You told him often how much you loved him and I know that was all your dad needed and wanted to hear. That love helped him fight with all his might. Please know that you did everything that your dad needed. Just listen carefully, with your heart, and you'll know that your dad loves you!

[Kel M]

I second what Ann has written - try not to beat yourself up about this. That said, I understand exactly what you are saying and routinely torture myself with the "what ifs".

I wonder, for example, if I did enough during the last days of Mom's life. I wonder if I touched her enough, if I spoke to her enough and so on. Deep down I know that I did my best, but she's not here to confirm it and that's what is so difficult about all of this.

Peace be with you.

Kel

[natalie]

I once tried to bring it up with my mom. I said, "Mom if you ever want to discuss your thoughts and fears about..." and trailed, letting her lead the way, but she responded with a "you've got to be kidding me" "um...Nooooo". I left it at that and never brought it up again. She once initiated a "what if" conversation, but it was really general. I think that it's better for some people not to discuss it. You did the right thing. I wished I never brought it up to my mom and regret it...so I honestly can tell you with reassurance that you did the right thing.

[cindi o'h]

everything that happened between you and your Dad was exactly as it was meant to be.

I second Ann's statement: "you did everything that your Dad needed."

I had a hard time talking to my brother, John, about death. It wasn't really discussed between us. What did give me comfort were all of his nurses and caregivers who were comfortable talking with him. I came into his room one day and he was sobbing and a physical therapist was at his feet wrapping them and they were having a serious, needed discussion. I didn't need to know what it was about, but I could see that John was crying and pouring his thoughts and heart out and that she was comforting to him. A trusted stranger.

Your Dad may well have had those kinds of conversations with his caregivers too. They are of such value. Sometimes, they will never know.

Take care, you.

Cindi o'h

[lilyjohn]

If you took a poll of all of us who have lost someone we love you would find that we all have questions. We all wonder if we did all of the right things or what we did that we shouldn't have done, what we said that we shouldn't have or vise virsa. I believe those questions and doubts are just another part of grieving.

As far as talking to your dad about his fears or death you did the right thing. If he had really wanted to talk about it he would have started the conversation. It took me a long time to come to terms with that same thing. I knew how afraid Johnny was but I didn't want him to see my fear so I stayed away from the subject. It didn't keep either of us from thinking about it I'm sure but by not letting it all out into the open we could keep on hoping. Sometimes hope is all you have and even when you know there is little hope left no one wants to let it go entirly.

So be kind to yourself. The last thing your dad would want would be for you to be hurting because of something you did or didn't say to him.

[Don Wood]

I'm a dad and a granddad. I see nothing in your scenario with your dad to feel guilty about. I am sure he would say, "You did well", and would not want you to add guilt to grief. Think about the good memories and his legacy. Don

[jdjenkins]

I know all about those what if questions that run through your mind. It seems like they always come to me in the middle of the night. I just try to remember that we tried our best to help Dad, and that we were never in control. The Lord was in control. All our loved ones really need is to know that we love them and would do anything to help them.

Denise

[KC]

Bronwen,

I am so very sorry. I just want to say that I could have written your post myself. Your father sounds alot like mine and I did the EXACT same things that you did as far as never talking about the end for all the same reasons. My Dad would always tell me that death is a part of life. He would try and soothe my mind when he could see the fear in my eyes by saying "everything will be ok". He never wanted me to worry, and I would try my best to not let him see it. I thought that I could save him and I tried really hard to do so, but it wasn't meant to be. He never wanted me to spend so much time searching for cures and answers, he just wanted me to live and enjoy my life and not worry about him. If he would mention the word die, I wouldn't say anything, I could never think that way. I never wanted him to think for one minute that I was giving up on him. He once asked me what I thought he should do about treatments and I told him I never wanted him to give up. Ever. He would say things like when I die, just throw everything out, and I would just say, ok Daddy. I could never get deep into the subject and I don't think he wanted to either. If he was afraid of dying, I don't know. I do know how I watched him cry from the pain he was in and the thought of having to leave his family, but I don't know if he, himself feared death. In March it will be two years that my father passed away and I miss him so much. You are only 4 months into this terrible grief and what you are experiencing in normal. The what if's, regrets, etc. I did the same thing, for a very long time. Sometimes those thoughts creep into my mind once and a while, but not like they did in the beginning where they were crippling to me. I know how you feel and I promise that you will come to find some type of peace as time goes on. Just know that you were a wonderful daughter to your Dad and he knew and still knows how much you love him. We are only human and we tried our best. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Your Dad wouldn't want you to do that to yourself. He loved you just as much. Please take care of yourself and give yourself the time you need to try and heal. Many people have said grief is something we cannot go around, jump over, etc. It is something we have to go through. Truer words were never spoken. Much love.

[hollyanne]

Please. please do not second guess what you did. You did the single most important thing... you loved you dad and di whatever you could to be with him. That is all that matters. My mom and I talked alot about Heaven, the fact that she didn't want to leave us but that she wasn't scared... my mom was a talker, as am I. If this had happened to my dad, it would have been a completely different story! I am sure your dad is so proud of you and is smiling as he soars around Heaven. You were his loving daughter, he could not have wanted more..., May God give you peace during this tough time.

[mamasbabygirl]

Everything for us is a fine balance. I am in your shoes now. Everything that we decide affects my mom's LIFE. We do what we can to help our loved ones make decisions, protect them, nurture them, just as they have us all of our lives. But, it is hard to know if you are doing the right thing. I think that as long as we are involved, we can't agonize over doing the best we can. It is so hard. I always revert back to thinking that God doesn't want us to know the future, he wants us to know him in the present. The decisions are just so hard to make, they are huge decisions. Sometimes I feel too young and immature to make them, but we do it. Don't we? You did good. You did your best. You were an awesome daughter. Love to you...

[hopeandstrength]

(((Bronwen))))

I feel like I should bring up this subject with my dad sometimes too, but I just can't. He is so stoic and quiet and it just is too hard. I love him so much and I just can't imagine him not being here. Myabe someday I will find the words, but right now..I know he knows how much I love him. Just as your dad did and still does.

Take care,

Cathy

[RandyW]

Ann and everyone else is very wise. I can't add to anything except much love and Prayers From The Carolina Blue skies as I see them.

[bronbear]

God bless all of you for your kind words and encouragement. I am sitting here at work with tears in my eyes and am overwhelmed by the kindness of your wonderful responses. As you all go about your day, please know that you have lifted somebody's spirits and made me feel a lot better. I don't know what I would do without this wonderful board.