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Need some advice on talking to teens about Cancer


Cndgrl

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Hi guys I need some advice.

My dad is doing much worse they don’t expect him to survive much longer and he has requested that we come visit him. (we are very far away). I am traveling back home to Ottawa Can to see them on Feb 2 and the rest of my family is coming on Feb 8. My question is with my dad there are multiple brain lesions that are causing confusion and I’m unsure how the kids (14 and 12) will deal with it. They love their grandpa he has been a large part of their lives. How do you explain to them what is happening. I have told them that he gets confused some times but I don’t think they understand. I don’t want them to be surprised when they get there.

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Just my opinion... but at 14 and 12, I think just presenting the truth as gently as possible would be the most appropriate. The are old enough to be able to grasp the 'abstracts' afoot. And they, I'm sure, want to know. I would get so upset with my folks when they wouldn't just tell me what was happening with special family members. The wonderings that I had because of information they withheld was often much worse than the reality.

Good luck. I'm sure you will handle the situation beautifully, and I pray that your trip to see your Dad is peace-giving for you all.

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We have two teenage grandchildren, 15 and 18. We keep them informed honestly just as we do our children. They seem to appreciate being included. As others have said, I would be honest and simple with them. They understand and can handle more than we sometimes give them credit for. Don

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I was 15 when my mom was diagnosed with stomach cancer, my dad explained what he knew at the time and as time went on kept us informed.

There were no surprises and I appreciated being forwarned, especially when she was in hospital and I didn't see the changes as they happened.

As upsetting as it may be to your kids when you explain it all in detail it may be easier for your dad if they aren't scared when he gets confused.

Hope you have a good visit.

Geri

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As a teacher of middle school children for ten years, I totally agree with the previous solutions. Children are very resilient and handle a whole lot more that we often think they can. I always think honesty is the best policy and it also makes themnappreciate you more as a parent. With all of my students that have suffered losses and dealt with travesty, the ones that had forthcoming parents were more prepared and could gradually deal with the issues rather than everything happening "all at once".

Hope this helps!!

Jamie

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Offspring of fourteen and twelve are capable of doing some research on their own. Don't lie to them, they'll remember and use it later as reasoning to lie to you.

Explain the confusion so they don't get hurt feelings when Grandpa seems to ignore what they're saying by asking them the same questions time and again or stating the same things. They should know it's serious so they can make their peace with someone special in their lives.

Good luck,

Becky

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They definetely are old enough to understand, more than you think.

Honesty, certainly is the best way to approach this.

I am so sorry for what you are going through and for your dad. It must be so scary to know that you are losing him.

I pray for him to be free of pain and comfortable.

We are always here for you if you need us for anything. We have good shoulders to cry one.

Maryanne

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My sister told her 5 year old son about his Aunt Debbie and He came to me last week with everything going on and said He knew she will be Okay. Many Prayers for you

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Thanks everyone

I have kept them up to date on what is going on with their gradpa it's more trying to explain to them what it will be like while we are there. My dad seems to be having more problems everyday My mom said it is like he has Alzheimer’s. I want to prepare them as they know what is happening to him but at the same time I don't want to scare them buy telling them about things that may happen while they are there. He does have some lucid periods where he is not confused.

But I am going to go with everyone else on this I think it is better to tell them what may happen so they are prepared.

This has been hard on the kids as he was doing really well last month and has just gone way downhill.

I have not posted much on this site but have read alot and I want to thank everyone for the support.

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Dear ??,

I think it depends on the child. Our son was much older when his dad was diagnosed (26), but he was still "the child". He couldn't handle any of it. He's not the most stable person in the world, so it was tough. If we told him the truth, he freaked out, and if we didn't tell him anything, he freaked out. It was a lose-lose situation.

We chose to give it out in parts without giving out the whole. He knew it was bad from the first day when we learned about the 8 brain mets. From then on, in his mind, he had his dad dead and buried no matter what we told him - good or bad. When we had good news - we always told him, and he liked to hear that. When we had bad news, we told him, but we downplayed it. Example: Don was having pain in his hip and couldn't hide it. He had a PET scan which showed tremendous progression in many, many bones since the previous PET - and it was a LOT! Our son always knew when we went for appointments and always wanted to know what we found out. If we had told him how bad it was, he would have freaked out, given up, got drunk and stayed drunk for a week. So, we told him there was "some" progression in his bones, especially in his hip, so he was going to get radiation to that spot and it would fix him right up - which it did, for a while.

I think everyone knows their own kids well enough to know how much to tell them. I think they need to know the truth, but with some you have to be a little more gentle and go slow. Our son knew from the beginning that his dad's prognosis was not good, but even though he said he "wanted to know", he really didn't. He would ask me after an appointment, "What did the doctor say?" If I told him there was growth and he had to . . . . , he would get mad and say, "I don't want to hear this" and stomp out of the house. We had frequent talks with him about this problem and he agreed that he wanted to know, yet he couldn't handle it. His dad is now gone, and he still can't handle it.

Your kids will probably be fine. Mine is probably more the exception than the rule, but they are all different, so you should use your own best judgment. As far as "scaring" them, that can't be avoided. It IS scary. All of it. It's scary to everyone involved, and kids are no exception.

Good luck and God bless you!

Peggy

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I so agree with Peggy's post. I definitely think honesty is the best policy when dealing with children of any age. Some children can handle bad things much better than others...just like adults. I know giving your children this information will be very hard...for all of you. You have my thoughts and prayers.

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My rabbi told me its best not to hide the truth. The suggestion was to answer my sons questions honestly but more on an as to need to know basis. If he asked, answer, if he didn't ask not necessarily provide. I've taken the approach to answer his questions, provide him with information at a high level rather than at the real detailed level. Yes he has cancer, yes its in the lungs, yes he is going to get chemo/radiation to try to kill the bad cells. He will have some good days and some bad days. If you are sick you can't be around him because he doesn't have enough of the good cells to fight infection. Yes, its spread to the brain and it affects his coordination and eating, etc. He is going to have radiation to try to help him. Hopefully it will help, if not we will try to see if there is something else. Yes, he will die - eventually, may or may not be from the cancer. We all die at some point, etc. If you want to talk about it let me know. I'll always do my best to answer your questions, etc.

Its worked so far . When my dad was first diagnosed and Ryan asked me all these questions (most of the time as I was taking him to school), I told his teachers so that they wouldn't be blind sided.

Hope this helps.

Paula

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If you are visiting your father before the kids see him, it may be a lot easier to explain to them what is going on. My father also has brain mets, and it is hard trying to explain to people what he is like. They don’t completely understand until they see him. The night before your kids see him, you may want to explain some of the things he is doing, so that way it is less scary for them. When they visit with him, make sure you are in the room with them. Also when they are done visiting take them outside with you and talk to them about what was going on.

I know with my dad when evener he has a new visitor I always talk to them before hand so they know what to expect. I always make sure I am in the room with them that way if they have any questions about what he is saying I can try to help.

Most importantly let them see him and say their good-byes. I think this is one of the important parts of grieving. Good luck.

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I have children about the same age as your children so thought I would give you my thoughts. I fight with how much to tell my children about their grandma often.

But, I think that given the situation that you will soon be in....I think it is very important that you try again to tell them what to expect.

I think we all want to protect our children from bad news, but in reality, we are only hurting them and ourselves in the long run. You just need to prepare them as easily and painlessly as you possibly can.

Good Luck to you! And I hope you have a good trip with your Dad.

Warm Hugs,

Melinda

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