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It's soo hard I miss my dad


cathy

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Hi everyone,

I have been having a hard time lately and was wondering, when you lose a loved one does it feel like everything in your life feels soo different. Everything I do feels strange, from shopping to cooking to eating even getting myself ready to begin the day. I am taking another week off work because I'm a little nervous about that too. I know they say time will help, but how much time? I have been searching the internet for grieving support but cant seem to find anything as wonderful as these boards and since we do have a grieving forum I thought it would be ok to post. I dont want to bring anyone down with my story because you are all going through so much yourself, just wondering how you handle your grief. Will the fog ever be lifted?

P:S Thank you for all the condolences. I copied them and my family read them all.

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Cathy,

My heart breaks for you...having lost both parents to SCLC I can understand what you are going through. It is a definite period of adjustment during which you learn to incorporate the loss of your parent into your life. My Mom truly was my best friend so I felt her loss quite acutely. I was taking care of my Dad and he was living with me...so that lends itself to a different type of grief.

Mom has been gone since 1998...despite this length of time I still try to keep her memory alive by talking about her to my children...they feel as if they know her. My Dad has been gone only a few months...and I find myself going into stores and picking out items he would have enjoyed or wanting to ask him to come with us out to dinner or on a vacation :cry:

I have experienced many times since their deaths when I have felt there presence...so I continue to hope and pray that someday we will meet again,where there is no saddness or disease.

I always entertained my Dad for every holiday while my siblings went to their in laws...I already anticipate the upcoming holidays are going to be painful and lonely.Anyone have any suggestions?

Cathy I pray that you find comfort during this time of grief...please feelfree to contact me if you want to talk.

Hang in there

Lynn

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Cathy,

Everyone goes through their own kind of grieving and none is easy. Keeping myself busy I guess was the best thing for me. Maybe if you returned to work it would help. It would get you back in the swing of real life again, get you started on the road to recovery. I am sure you have many friends at work who are waiting for your return...

Even though I am 67 I still miss both of my parents very much. there is nothing like one's mom and dad no matter what age we are. They are what made us feel protected, loved, and everything else one can think of. But-----life does go on and we go on with it. It won't be the same, but it is very good if we let it ....."time heals all" is the saying and it really really does......

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Oh, Cathy. I am so sorry to read of your loss. Even though it's only been a month I'm trying to get on with things. I mean, I have to. There's no one else here, and things have to be done. Margaret and I have a house on Inkster, just north of Nine Mile. The floor's covered with hair from our Mainecoon, and the plants are on the verge of dying from thirst. For the first three weeks I couldn't even think about these things. Dropped twenty pounds. Only when the cramping began did I realize I might be damaging myself and began to eat.

Writing has helped me tremendously. Writing to heal, at first. Now just writing. Putting memories of our life together into form. This helps me to somehow enshrine the memories.

Still, there are the days. Why? I just don't know. Like when hanging up some of my own slacks today. A pair of Margaret's jeans were still laying on the bed next to them. I suddenly found myself sobbing and apologizing to her that I couldn't save her. As though any of us ever can. Life is simply tragic in that way, that those we love eventually leave.

I'm certain time will bring you healing, Cathy. But I sure wish the time would go faster and the pain would lessen more quickly.

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Cathy...So sorry about your Dad. I guess I, too, missed the post about your loss. Having lost a husband in December and having lost both parents years ago, I know how you feel...but wish I didn't. Life will never be the same but time will begin to heal your broken heart and slowly mend your soul. I think losing a Dad is especially hard on a daughter. Dads always seem to know just what to say and do that always seem to make things a little bit better, regardless of how severe the situation. When I lost my Dad, I felt I had lost my best friend. You will feel better in time. Just when that time is...no one can say. Each person heals differently and at their own pace. My Mom was taken suddenly and my Dad, like Dennis, had a lingering illness. I think I somehow found peace in both Dad and Dennis's deaths due to the severity of their illnesses. It was somehow a blessing that they no longer suffered. Keep busy. Going back to work may be very good for you. Give yourself plenty of "alone" time to reminise about your Dad. This will help you remember all the good times you shared together. You will remain in my prayers!!!

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Cathy

I am so sorry about your dad. I believe everyone grieves in their own way. You were very close to your dad so I am sure it is going to take you a long while. My Mom passed away over 20 years ago and I still miss her. Just try and keep busy and let time heal the wounds. I know that when my brother died at a young age I went through a terrible time. It took me many years to get over it. Just remember the good times and what a good daughter you were to him. I think its wonderful that you came back and posted on this message board, you were missed and you have so much to offer and maybe we in turn can offer you some solace.

Bess B

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It is so awful to lose someone you care so much about, someone who is an important part of your life. The people on this board have become like family and that is where you should turn for support and comfort. There are many here who know what you are going through. Where time was once so precious, it now becomes the enemy. Do you have a local, in person, support group you could go to? What helped me the most was to read, understand, and get knowledge. If you could find a good book on dealing with grief, that might be helpful. It helped me to understand the stages and that as unbelievably horrible as it was, it was also a normal healing process and that I could get through it. You wonder how people ever survive such things, but they do and so can you. You are stronger than you think, you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Our loved ones will always be with us. It's so hard to understand why this should be so painful, this natural part of life, something that will happen to us all. Sorry, I'm really feeling sad about all of this and I feel your pain. I'm glad to see you back and Mainecoon, I've been wondering about you too and am glad to see you posting.

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Cathy,

I lost my dad, who I was close to, suddenly in 1991 from a heart attack. For weeks, not a day went by without a huge crying jag on my part..triggered by anything..a song on the radio, something in the store he would've liked, someone that resembled him and sometimes, not anything at all. People told me that time would help me and I grew to hate that word but you know what, time is what helped me. Before I knew it, after a few months, I stopped grieving all day for him and felt sad in smaller increments of time. It WILL get easier Cathy. To this day, not a day goes by when I don't think of my dad..sometimes with sadness, sometimes with a smile remembering something..but whatever, I think of him. Somewhere along the way it stopped hurting when I remembered him and I can remember him now without that big giant emptiness in my stomach.

Lynn... after my dad died I changed my holidays around a bit. The first Thanksgiving I cooked for some people I knew who didn't have any family to have Thanksgiving with. For Christmas, I went out to dinner. The first year, I just didn't want to see that empty seat...wait for the "missing piece" even though my dad was certainly in my heart the whole time. The next year I was okay, after my morning cry, and my holiday traditions went back to "normal". It was just those first holidays that I needed to make easier on myself. That's what I had to do anyway and it really did help to do things differently!!

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Dear Cathy,

I think as daughters and caregivers we are morning several things. We are morning the loss of the person but we are also morning our lives before L/C. Nothing will ever be the same especially holidays. For many people holidays are about family. Christmas Day will be the hardest for me. Mom loved Christmas and buying presents for everyone. She took such pride in choosing the perfect gift for everyone. She was the funnest to watch at Christmas.

Mom has been gone for 5 months and just reciently I have started going to counceling. My life has come to a screaching halt in the joy department. It is difficult to function in everyday tasks but I'm not just dealing with the loss of my mom, there is alot more going on. One thing I find helpful is making lists of thing that I would like to see happen that day. I agree that being busy helps a great deal. Writing also helped me to give focus to moms life. It is so important to take care of your health and get some exercise.

Cathy, please know that you are not alone and I am here foir you if you would like to chat about anything.

Prayers and Hugs, Shelly

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Dear Cathy,

Many of us understand how hard it is to do the simple things right now, Mom's been gone 6 weeks now and it is so hard still. Somtimes I stop, have a good cry, talk to my friend who's been there and go on. Talking, I find is the my best way to go on. You need to get back, see people, as hard as it is, because you ask how can they be happy. Also think of how your Dad would want you to carry on. Hang in there, take it one day at a time. We are here to listen.

Dona

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Cathy,

I am walking a few feet behind you in this journey... Dad is not gone yet, but the doctors say he will be in a few days. My heart is heaving, I am lost, I feel like I am on the outside looking in. I keep talking to him, even though he can not reply...but I look into his eyes- and he into mine. I can't imagine it getting any harder...and then I think about the time soon when I can't look into his eyes any longer, and how on earth will I feel then? Probably alot like you feel now. There's a limit to how strong we can be.

My heart is breaking for you, for me, for all of us.

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I'm so sorry that you have lost your father. When my Dad died, I recall feeling like it was silly to do routine things like laundry, grocery shopping, etc. because THE WHOLE WORLD had changed. My Dad was gone, and nothing would ever be the same. A truly precious human being was gone, and the world died a little that day. So I believe I understand your feelings, although your grief is your own. Thankfully, your memories of him are yours, too, forever. May your wonderful memories of him sustain you in your sadness.

My sincerest wishes for peace to you and your loved ones, Teresa

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Cathy,

I used to post to this board regularly...probably before you started here. My beautiful Dad was diagnosed with Adenocarcenoma in Oct. of 2001 and passed away almost 7 months ago, on Feb. 10th. This is my first posting since but your message touched me so much. I too am located in Michigan...in Oakland County. I was exceptionally close with my Dad and was the primary manager of the care he received...I did all the research, did EVERY appointment with him, made the decisions...and therefore knew what was in store for his future...In a way I mourned for 15 months, while my parents buried their heads and tried to get on with life.

I wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom for you but the truth is, this is the hardest thing I've done in my life. The past 2 years have changed me as a person. Someone I know who lost a husband said that we never get over this, we just get through it and I think she's so right. I miss my Dad every day, and every night (which tells you how well I've been sleeping). On some days the HUGE pit is a little less...on some days, it's bigger. I've been trying to get past the actual death...which took place in the hospital with all of us there...but instead of focusing on how "peaceful" it was, I focus on the awful parts. Each occasion is very difficult...holidays, first things for my children that he's missing...some days I have a feeling of him being around, and then others, not.

My Mother has not been helping in any of this, since she seems to be in her own depression. He died on their 57th anniversary. She is making things very difficult right now...kind of what I expected though. I can see now, how much my Dad "balanced" her.

We do go on...our families keep us going and the mundane seems to help...working, laundry, car pools etc...Things do "settle" a little more each day...guess we just become a little more accepting of what's happened. The best to you Cathy...your Dad was a very lucky man in many ways to have had you as his daughter...please find some comfort in that.

Shelley

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Kathy,

I lost both my parents (my Dad over 30 years ago and my Mom 8 years ago) and it DOES hurt less over time. You learn to go on. I can say honestly that never does a single day go by when I don't think of each of them at least once, even though I was only 13 when my Dad died. I miss them but now I can remember them with love and I don't feel that acute pain. I still cry now and again for them. Since Hugh's diagnosis I have missed my Mom more, wishing I could talk to her. It does get getter I promise, I guess it is human nature to survive even when we feel like we don't want to.

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Cathy,

I can feel your pain so strongly as I read your post. Although I haven't lost a parent, I can understand what you mean about everything feeling different. I know I am suppose to live today for this moment, but I know that I am greiving the potential future loss of my husband, and the loss of who we were.

Nothing is the same, I'm not the same, and nothing I used to care about or do seems like it once was. I think it just will take some time to adjust to being this new person we are now that grief has changed who we are. I realize that what I am feeling is incomparable to having to deal with the loss of a loved one. I sometime wonder what my life will be like if that happens, but the pain that stabs through my heart at those times is too unbearable, so I stop there. I know who I am now will be unalterably changed again. We are molded by the strife and circumstances of our lives, how can it ever be like it was again.

I am praying for you every day. Although we can't have things the same again, I am hoping that with time, you can go forward and find comfort and joy. Your father loved you so much, as you loved him, and he would want you to live your life to the fullest and not feel this pain.

I am so sorry for your loss, I just wish I could be there and hug you. ((((Cathy))))

Carleen

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Thank you all for responding to my post, it did bring me comfort. I have gone back just to reread everything or I think I like to look at my dads picture and remember what a nice day that was when we took the picture. We were at a restuarant in FLa. He was so happy to be there. He loved his winter home in Fla. I thought about reading a book on grief Jenny, but the more I thought about it I dont think that would help me, I think talking to people like you guys would be so much better. It just so many have been there and I think we can all relate. Unless theres a book out there with real people like us. Well, I just wanted to thank all of you for helping me and sharing some very special moments in your lives.

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Cathy, it hurts and it will hurt for a while. The hole in your life will not completely close but it will get smaller. I lost both my parents within 11 months of each other back in the late '50's. I lost my only sister in 1993 within a month of losing my mother-in-law, whom I was very close to. Then in 1998, I lost my only brother. And, yes, I did go on each time with the help of family and friends, and I knew I was still here to make my world better in any way I could. I pray you God's grace, love, healing and peace. Don

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Cathy,

I, too, must have missed the post about your dad passing. I am so very sorry.

I understandstand your grief. When I lost my mother 8 years ago I thought the world had ended. It had......temporarily......for me. Every day I turn my face toward the sky and talk to her as if she is still here by my side. And, to tell the truth, some days are harder then others.

Personally, I don't think we have to let go of these feelings. When you love someone as much as you did your father, and I my mother, who are we hurting?

My best to you Cathy,

Sue M

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