Ros Posted February 26, 2007 Share Posted February 26, 2007 I am a horrible person! Why am I being so mean to my husband at the time he needs me most? I think I know it's the disease which is making him nasty,selfish etc.. but I can't help rising to it and being selfish by saying "what about me" you are destroying everything we have and you don't care how this is impacting on me. I am no longer a wife with a partnership, I am now a maid, nurse and verbal punchbag responsible for everything that is wrong with you and you are going to sit in your chair and die without fighting for yourself. We keep fighting when we should be united, maybe for the first time in over 20 years we are together non stop for 24 hours a day, no other people around us, no escape into work and we have created our own intense nightmare. Maybe it's because I am being selfish and wanting some awareness of how tough it is trying to look after him and manage the rest of our lives as well, carrying the worry over money etc.. all he wants to do is surf on line most of day and make unessential purchases. Had a major fight on Sat and we said some nasty things, he threw cup of coffee at me across room and covered all of the newly renovated house which I had just finished cleaning, with it! I pushed him in anger and he fell backwards, got up and was OK. How could I do that? I wwas so angry! I then spent the rest of the afternoon wiping it off walls, furniture etc.. and cleaning sticky floors. We have not spoken since, he has gone upstairs to bedroom and I went out to escape from him.It is now Monday am and I am still angry and upset. Is it the Tarceva? This is his second attempt taking this at 100mgs now after 150 mgrs caused him too many problems.We are 2 weeks into this second attempt with Tarceva.Is it the Cancer? Is it just being so inside himself he has forgotten I have some basic needs of civility,warmth and affection or is that too selfish of me to want that? Why now after 15 months of looking after him and fighting his cancer? What's wrong with me? We have had arguments over what I feel to be his sarcastic comments, he thinks I am inventing it and doesn't see and won't discuss my points. Do we need marriage guidance, I hear you asking yourselves? Sometimes I want him to die sooner rather than later to get this over with whilst we still have a marriage. I worry that as the fight goes on our marriage won't survive and maybe we weren't as strong as we thought to get to this stage after only a short period of time being tested?? I think I must be a very bad person to feel like this and be demanding something for myself instead of giving 100% unconditional support, why can't I do that, what's wrong with me? I'm only human so please don't judge me too harshly just send me some messages if you have ever felt like this and ideas on how you managed to turn it around. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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