Angry and Mean!!!

[Ros]

I am a horrible person! Why am I being so mean to my husband at the time he needs me most? I think I know it's the disease which is making him nasty,selfish etc.. but I can't help rising to it and being selfish by saying "what about me" you are destroying everything we have and you don't care how this is impacting on me. I am no longer a wife with a partnership, I am now a maid, nurse and verbal punchbag responsible for everything that is wrong with you and you are going to sit in your chair and die without fighting for yourself.

We keep fighting when we should be united, maybe for the first time in over 20 years we are together non stop for 24 hours a day, no other people around us, no escape into work and we have created our own intense nightmare. Maybe it's because I am being selfish and wanting some awareness of how tough it is trying to look after him and manage the rest of our lives as well, carrying the worry over money etc.. all he wants to do is surf on line most of day and make unessential purchases.

Had a major fight on Sat and we said some nasty things, he threw cup of coffee at me across room and covered all of the newly renovated house which I had just finished cleaning, with it! I pushed him in anger and he fell backwards, got up and was OK. How could I do that? I wwas so angry! I then spent the rest of the afternoon wiping it off walls, furniture etc.. and cleaning sticky floors. We have not spoken since, he has gone upstairs to bedroom and I went out to escape from him.It is now Monday am and I am still angry and upset.

Is it the Tarceva? This is his second attempt taking this at 100mgs now after 150 mgrs caused him too many problems.We are 2 weeks into this second attempt with Tarceva.Is it the Cancer? Is it just being so inside himself he has forgotten I have some basic needs of civility,warmth and affection or is that too selfish of me to want that?

Why now after 15 months of looking after him and fighting his cancer? What's wrong with me? We have had arguments over what I feel to be his sarcastic comments, he thinks I am inventing it and doesn't see and won't discuss my points.

Do we need marriage guidance, I hear you asking yourselves? Sometimes I want him to die sooner rather than later to get this over with whilst we still have a marriage. I worry that as the fight goes on our marriage won't survive and maybe we weren't as strong as we thought to get to this stage after only a short period of time being tested??

I think I must be a very bad person to feel like this and be demanding something for myself instead of giving 100% unconditional support, why can't I do that, what's wrong with me?

I'm only human so please don't judge me too harshly just send me some messages if you have ever felt like this and ideas on how you managed to turn it around.

[hockeyma]

I don't think you are alone - don't punish yourself for the way you feel. The whole thing is awful - and I feel like you too. Then I have to shake my head and say - ok not my body - not his fault...part of life. Easier said than done. Just talking and writing it out is the only way I know of and I don't do too much of the complaining thing cause people would think I was cruel. I have a journal I write in periodically - maybe try that - vent on paper like you just did here. You truly don't know unless you live it. I have some family support so that I can get out and work for a bit - but that ends when they fly home next week....DO NOT FEEL THAT YOU ARE A BAD PERSON.......you are a wonderful person for doing what you are - maybe you need others to tell you that too. I'll email you next time I feel same way and vent and you will know for sure then you are not the only one.

Heather

[Ann]

SO very sorry that you are having such a tough time right now. You know, I think that fear can do a lot of different things to us and change us in the process. I'm sure your husband is facing fear headon. This is happening to him and maybe his hours of keeping himself involved in other things is his way of coping. I know you must be scared out of your wits. I know I was. I had no idea what to expect and no idea of what I was facing. Often, we do tend to lash out the most at the people we love the most. I don't think it's uncommon for couples facing a crisis to have these problems. I don't think you necessarily need marriage counseling but I do think you should both have a nice, long open talk and let each other know just what you are feeling. Maybe your husband feels that he is a burden for you and that's why he keeps occupied so much of the time. Just talk to each other....it's great therapy!

[Barbara Lea]

Dear RosLock,

Your message hit me like a ton of bricks. I could have written it word for word, especially after this past weekend. Luckily I still work 40 hrs. per week and can get out of the house and away. I try to stay active in my church where I have lots of girlfriends for moral support and I go to Curves 2-3 times per week to destress also. Actually, Jim is still working too, but very tired and not very happy every night. He is in stage IIIB and is refusing treatment at this time. He has had surgery and chemo, and doesn't want to go through any of it again. He just wants to ride out his life feeling good while he can. He was never a totally pleasant person before cancer, and the sickness has multipled the unpleasantness. I am so sick and tired of hearing about my "stupid" cat and our 17 year old daughter that I'm not raising right. We also have his lazy 27 year old son living with us, our 20 year college going son and his girlfriend and 2 8 month old lab puppies. I think between the sickness and crowded house we are all at our wits end. "Sometimes I want him to die sooner rather than later to get this over with whilst we still have a marriage." I said these same words to my best friend just this am while I was bending her hear about my bad weekend. I don't think we're bad people for saying/thinking this, just frustrated with the hand we've been dealt. Hang in there and I'll try to do the same. You can email me at blcjcc@aol.com if you feel the need to vent some more to someone who totally understands. Barbara

[Heather_T]

Well this is from the other side... My husband and I fight alot also usually when I am on my pitty pot is what he calls it or just being a B**ch. It is hard on both sides I told him the other day that I would understand if he wanted out and would not hate him for it. We can say somereally mean things to each other but we usually get over them pretty fast. Since I know this is so hard on him I like for him to do something with his friends atleast once a week (poker, pool, golf). I think every caregiver needs this. We have been together for almost 14 years with 2 kids and I will be dam*ed if this cancer seperates us. You are not a bad or horrible person. It is natural. I hope things get better for you.

[Bev'sSister]

I know exactly how you feel, or at least pretty close to it. My fiancee' had a massive stroke and is paralyzed completly on his left side. He is having a very hard time dealing with the fact that he is no longer independent. He makes very snide comments to me and is also sarcastic in his own little smart a** way. I used to be offended by him and would get hurt and try to make sure that he knew I was hurt by feeling sorry for myself. That didn't work..Now I tell him that he is mad at the wrong person. I tell him exactly how I feel. I tell him to stop blaming others for what is happening to him and to at least try to be civil. I have threatned to push him out of the door in his wheelchair and leave him out there til someone else comes along and will put up with him. The bottom line is, we are all human. We love them and we hate them. We are victims also, but in different ways. I have to change this man's diapers, feed him, bathe him, dress him and I wouldn't want anyone else to do this for him, because I love him and want him to be happy. I know you feel the same way about your husband. If only they would make us fell more appreciated. But I promise you..He does appreciate you..That is why he is so mean sometimes because he knows how much he needs you and how hard this is on you. Just be patient and try not to take things personally. I had to realize that Men are different from women..and to just accept that and deal with it. We women know we are the stronger sex, so we can take it. He loves you, he is just scared and vunerable right now. Things will settle down soon. Try and keep your sanity til then.

Love,

Bobby

[Bev'sSister]

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had

>shared

> >

> > everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no

> > secrets

> >

> > from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in

> > the

> >

> > top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open

> > or

> >

> > ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about

> > the

> >

> > box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor

> > said

> >

> > she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the

> > little

> >

> > old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

> >

> > She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.

> >

> > When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of

> > money

> >

> > totaling $95,000.

> >

> > He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she

>said,

> >

> > "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to

> > never

> >

> > argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just

>keep

> >

> > quiet and crochet a doll."

> >

> > The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only

> > two

> >

> > precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him

> > two

> >

> > times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with

> >

> > happiness.

> >

> > "Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of

> > this

> >

> > money? Where did it come from?"

> >

> > "Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."

> >

> > A Prayer for all the women.......

> >

> > Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive

> > him;

> >

> > and Patience for his moods; Because Lord, if I pray for Strength,

> > I'll

> >

> > beat him to death. And I don't know how to crochet

> >

>

[Don Wood]

You are not horrible -- you are human. To be a primary caregiver of a lung cancer patient calls for superhuman tasks and emotions. It is the toughest job I know -- and I have walked in those shoes.

You are angry because of the threat of losing him and because you are not shown appreciation for all you do. He is angry because he has LC and he lashes out at the closest thing -- you.

You two have to decide if LC is going to kill your marriage or strengthen it. To strengthen it, you have to work together. You have to appreciate the predicament you are both in and do all you can to make whatever dyas, months, years you have good ones, as far as humanly possible. I had many shouting matches but they were not at my wife -- they were directed into the air. And she was okay with that. She had permission to cry (her mode) any time she wanted, and I could scream anytime I needed. But the screaming was not directed at her.

You may have to call in others to help you with this. Each of you needs someone else you can talk with, to vent your emotions and frustrations, and keep you sane. Also, where you can, ask others to help you two with chores, breaks, driving to the doc, etc. You have to deliberately build in time for just relaxing and having fun.

I wish you both well. It is a hard road, but it can be managed, if you are willing to work at it. Don

[carolhg]

I pray that you both may have strength and patience for what this awful disease has brought to your life and your marriage.

Carol

[Ros]

Thanks to all of you who have taken the time to respond to my plea. You don't know what a difference it makes just knowing there are other people who are dealing with the same/similar emotions and situations. Thankyou for giving me back a little bit of perspective about some of the crazy situations we have found ourselves in. THANKYOU .

After writing all of this down and posting it yesterday it did provide an outlet and maybe that's what I needed to prompt me to stop being childish and go sort this situation out. So I went upstairs and ran him a bath, got him out of bed and held him, cried, told him I loved him and was sorry, so did he. I helped him take a bath and we talked reasonably. I can't say this won't happen again as memories fade, however, we agreed some ground rules for how we treat each other.

One of the biggest things we agreed was how mad we both were that we had changed roles and I was now doing some of the "man" chores that he did and can't now manage and I need to understand this from his point of view and be sensitive to it as well! I think I also finally started to accept that I have to do some things and go to some places on my own now as he can't manage them, that's a tough one as we have always enjoyed doing everything together. I have to remember I am not ill,so stop limiting my own life so much

So I guess the saga of the menopausal wife and the Tarceva taking man will continue in peace until the next time.I will respond to those of you who have included personal email addresses as it has helped me so much to deal with this.

We saw the Consultant last night and he prescribed some steroids again to give him a boost and help to put on a bit of weight, some antibiotics for Tarceva rash, it is coming back again so we will see if it gets as bad as last time or hopefully manageable this time.

Next visit to Consultant is scheduled for 4 weeks time when we will be able to do the scans to see if liver secondary and Bronchial primary have shrunk from both Radiation and Tarceva.

[Judy-OK]

RosLock ... I know you said you had some friends that you could unload on or express your fears and frustrations to. Does he have someone besides yourself that he can open up with and let everything out? I live alone so I do not have to worry about offending many people but have found that I do spend a lot of time talking to my dog rather than calling someone that would really not understand. I have another girl I worked with that is also battling lung cancer right now and in 3D life she is the ONLY one I think that really gets me when I am down or doubting.

[nonni]

I have mixed emotions about this subject...so I'll just be brief and say...."it's not so damn easy being on the other side either"....

Your husband has every right to be angry....as is every LC patient..As for me being the patient...I just thank the Dear Lord my husband never lashed out at me...I don't think I could have taken that from someone I loved so dearly...."in sickness and in health"...means a whole lot to me..

That being said...my best wishes for the both of you....I don't think you are a horrible person..this is a one tough road to travel for both sides.I know your frustration but think of his too..and I think some TLC instead of anger would be better for the both of you...God Bless you Both...PamS.

[Snowflake]

What bothers me in your post is not your thoughts, but your actions. He threw something at you that could have harmed you, and you pushed him down. BOTH of those actions are unacceptable. As you would tell your children, USE YOUR WORDS. Hands off! NEVER touch another human being with frustration and anger in your heart.

I believe you could both use some counseling. Maybe not the marriage kind, maybe some joint counseling with a counselor who specializes in cancer patients/caregivers. You think your thoughts are horrible, but they are yours. If you don't like where your brain goes, you have to honestly evaluate WHY your brain takes those journeys and how to change direction.

He's being selfish, patient or not. He could actually turn the chair around that sits at the computer and talk to you, instead of turning his back to you and escaping into a virtual world. If he can't go out, you should "date" at home. Candlelight dinner, soft music...movie night...SOMETHING that is good quality time together, to just habitate the same house and be comfortable together.

The thoughts you're having? You will pay for them horribly, you need to deal with them NOW so you won't have the guilt when he is gone, you won't be kicking yourself and be shamed of your thoughts. It's not all about him, it's not all about you, it's about BOTH of you. Marriages need constant tuning - cancer entering the picture is like dropping the piano down the stairs. You may need to call in a professional...

I'm not throwing stones from this side, my husband is wonderful, but we have had some humdingers, too. Were he ever to lay hands on me, or vice versa, one of us would be leaving. Violence is not the answer.

Good luck to you both,

Becky

[Snowflake]

...as an addition, if he's mean now, and is about to embark on the roller coaster of steroids, things are about to get a helluva lot worse in your world from what I have read here.

[yellowbow]

I feel your pain and hurt. My DB did some pretty weird things. He wouldn't talk to me for 2 weeks. Said I was selfish and told me to leave. Their was just the 2 of us. I just let this pass. I know in the beinging The OC nurse told me not to feel gulity about the cancer and to yell at him if need be. John did sell our big truck (18 wheeler) and than took it back, than sold the trailer and turned around and bought anouther one! I'm trying to deal with running the truck and pay bills. No life insurance cause OOIDA sold him accident insurance and we never reaaly looked at it, beusy ruuning truck.

I'll pray for both of you's. As they say put on your big girl panties. I know it's hard, this cancer is just the worse.

[Welthy]

Please notice that Ros posted a follow-up to this post under "Thanks to All" in this category.

Thinking of you Ros ----

Warm Regards,

Welthy

[beat it]

I'm not in either spot, my MIL has stage 4 nsclc but is living a pretty normal life yet (except for chemo side effects) but I do have two cents to throw in.

Maybe your husbands anger and harsh treament is because HE DOES APPRECIATE YOU. Maybe he DOES KNOW EVERYTHING YOU DO FOR HIM. Maybe he cant come to grips with his own feelings (or guilt) over his need for you and his own inability to repay you the correct way.

Guilt, hurt, pain, selfishness, hate....... all very powerful feelings. The continuing sting of these will do far more damage than the cancer........and reach to those who are cancer free.

Beat it.