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What can friends do to help?


Sylvia Vitale

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I recently learned that another school mom has been diagnosed with lung cancer. Her son and my daughter are friends. We are acquainted but not really friends. She is married with three children. She apparently has a good support network. I haven't spoken with her directly yet. I am a hard core heavy smoker myself, single parent of four children and scared to death. But my question is - what does she need? I can think of only the usual sentiments and family meal, offer to drive kids, etc.. What would I want someone to do for me? Are there any moms out there who could say what might be a good, useful way to offer help without being invasive - just any small thing to take one worry off her mind? Her son told my daughter she will be having surgery, need three months of recovery, and be back to normal by January. Thanks for your advice and suggestions.

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All your ideas are good ones. I have known quite a few folks who have had to deal with cancer battling issues, and it always seemed to help that the simple things in life were being handled. We actually signed up to provide different meals or parts of meals for one friend and her family for at least 2 months. Maybe you can network with other school moms to create a sign up of that nature.

It would also be great to share the board website with her as well. It may help her emotionally and mentally to link with folks dealing with similar situations.

Sylvia, I know we are virtually strangers so it may not really be my place to say this, but I am really feeling the need to try to encourage you to quit since you mentioned that you are a smoker and you are scared. I know it is very hard to quit smoking as my father-in-law tried so many times over the years. However, he did finally kick it in 2000. I am not in any way trying to sound judgemental but I am thinking that your daughter may start dealing with this on a whole different level as she transfers the possibilities that her friend is going through to her own life. I teach middle school kids and I hear them talk about lots of things. They do worry about their folks a lot. This may be the perfect time for you to try to quit and if your daughter knows you are trying that may help her a ton while getting you in a healthier world.

You are a dear person for wanting to help out another school mom. Take care and God bless~

Karen M.

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Your ideas of meals and driving kids is on target. We used to wait at the door for the meals to be delivered. She may be resistant at first, but assure her when she gets better she will help the next person.

Do the kids need rides to school? Do they have birthday parties and soccer games to go to? Can you help with the shopping? I cleaned someone's bathroom once. My friends came and decorated my house for Christmas one year. My sister came and cleaned out my son's drawers for the change of season.

Don't be afraid to ask. And offer.

gail

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Yours and Gails ideas are things that I know I would need help with, and would be appreciative of. Also, with Halloween creeping up, and with the holidays coming, maybe she could use some help with shopping-whether someone handles the shopping for her, or bring her some catalogs so that she could pick out what she will need for the family.

And, as Gail said, if she is resistant at first-tell her she could "pay if forward" (like the movie said) and instead of feeling indebted to those that help her and as if she needs to 'pay it back', she could 'pay it forward' by helping someone else in need when she is up to it.

Take care, and let us know how it goes. Deb

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Hi Sylvia Vitale,

How about making up coupons with what everyone suggested. Put your name and telephone number on it and send them to her along with a card expressing your feelings and your desire to help out whenever possible. It’s something different and not as invasive. Example, one coupon good for a meal, one coupon good for driving the kids etc. Hope this helps. Take care and God Bless.

Rich :lol::lol::lol::lol:

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All of the above ideas are good ones. The only thing I can think to add is to send her a card, maybe signed by your mutual acquaintances, saying you are thinking of her and you are available. God will bless you for your concern, and so will she.

I don't mean to preach, but maybe you should consider trying to quit smoking in her honor. A few strategies for success: 1) talk to your health care provider about prescription aids 2) analyze and begin to avoid the "cigarette moments" in your life - take a walk or call a friend or make a pot of soup when you feel the urge 3) remember that the urge to have a cigarette will pass whether you have one or don't 4) keep celery and carrot sticks, fresh and in the refrigerator 24/7 5) wash everything so the smell of cigarettes is out of your life 6) respectfully decline invitations to events where you know people will be smoking, at least for a short while until you get over the initial cravings 7) celebrate your little victories, like not having the first one in the morning! 8 ) be kind to yourself if you backslide; everyone does. YOU CAN DO IT! Good luck!

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Dinners were much appreciated when my husband was first diagnosed. Another great help was once someone came and blew out our driveway and sidewalk so we didn't have to shovel the snow ( you don't say where you are from but if snow's a possiblity have your son do the shoveling for them), raking the leaves will also be appreciated. Although these might be things her husband can handle, he's going to be picking up all the things she can't do for awhile and will need the help. It's great you want to do something.

Also, after cancer it has been very hard for my husband to be around smoke, just the smallest amount sets him coughing. So one thing you can do is refrain from smoking around her.

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Whatever you decide to do just make sure you follow through. If it is a one time deal, fine. but if you commit to weekly or bi-weekly just make sure you do it for a good two to 3 months. When one has surgery it takes a good 3 months or longer to get back to feeling anywhere like living...

I really liked the coupon idea but I would take it one step further. I would note on each coupon the date and time I would bring over a meal or take the children to sports or whatever. She will be to sick and down to worry about having to call to redeem the coupons...

I sure hope it works out for you to help because you wouldn't be on here asking if you didn't want to. Just remember to follow through....

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A friend of my daughter's recently had colon cancer and had surgery, she is the mother of two school aged children. The mom's in her children's classes got together and drew up a calendar and everyone who wanted to signed up for days that they would make meals for her and her family, I think it amounted to one meal a month per family. The meals were delivered to her door on the appointed days for a period of three months. I thought it was a wonderful idea and one I am sure your friend would appreciate. Why not volunteer to be the one to organize the calendar and sign people up?

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I agree with everyone - the meal thing was the BEST for us. My friend organized a listing and schedule - anytime someone said they wanted to help. They each cooked about once every six weeks or so - it was GREAT! Also, a local church accepted donations in my name for those that just wanted to help with expenses - we received grocery cards and Wal-mart cards in the mail - many times unsigned. That was a BIG help. A dear friend of my who I used to sit for took my daughter almost every Saturday just to let her play with her kids - it was a break for Anna (my daughter) and myself. God bless -

Terrie

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I know that I did not feel comfortable around anyone who smoked after my diagnosis. Yes, I smoked years ago (& quit), yes, smoking does not always contribute to ones lung cancer....but 1/3 rd of the time it does, and no matter how nice someone was trying to be...I didn't want that smoke in my face or to be reminded of cigarettes in any way.

I lost alot of my "old" friends who were smokers...but so what, they didn't care enough about themselves, their families, or me, to quit.

Your wanting to help is commendable, and all the previous suggestions are great, but make sure you're not smoking when you do it, because that would be such an oxymoron. :roll:

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My mom is the one with lung cancer...but as her daughter (with a little one myself) and helping to be her advocate and caregiver I need support too. What I find helpful is friends who don't just say, "let me know if I can help". They just do. Like watching my daughter for me, taking me out to dinner to help get my mind off things, etc. Knowing people truly care make such a difference. You are very thoughtful to be thinking of her needs.

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I would like to echo what norme and Andrea said. It's important to just do. Don't ask what can I do. Say, I'm bringing dinner this week, what day would you like it". Or whatever it is you've chosen to help with. Especially if you're not really close already, the immediate response would likely be for them to say, oh no, we're fine.

And I would also like to add this caution. Be a true and honest friend. Some of my mother's closest friends and relatives before she was diagnosed are no longer close and some people she hardly knew stepped up to the plate and are her closest friends today. My mother was very very sensitive about people who rushed in right away to help who seemed drawn to the sensationalistic nature of her being sick. Some of those same people used that position of helpmate, to gain gossip tidbits that went very quickly in circles around our neighborhood. I'm not saying that this is a concern for you. Just make sure you keep any confidences that are told to you.

Amy

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