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Why haven't I broken down?


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I just wanted to write and tell everyone that I am sorry that I have not written since I lost my sister. I am very much appreciative of the support I have received from each of you, and I hope in some way I will be able to return the favor some day.

My sister died at 1:40 am on Thursday, Oct. 18th. Earlier that day, she wanted to take a bath, and as she was dressing after her bath, she became unable to breath. An ambulance was called and she was put in the hospital. I was called and drove home immediately, as the rest of her sisters and brothers. When I saw her, I was horrified. She was fighting so hard. She was medicated so I didn't get to talk to her again. I was told her last words were to my Father. She mouthed, "I love you" and he said, "I love you more". I sat with her for several hours along with the rest of the family. We were all devastated. I take comfort in the fact that she was a good person. She never lost faith in God and she prayed constantly.

I miss her with all of my being..yet I have been unable to cry. Does anyone know why? I cried some in the hospital. I cried at her wake. I cried at her funeral...but not the crying that I would expect to do. I don't understand why..It is like I am avoiding the deep pain that I know I should be having.

Anyway, I hope all are well tonight. I just wanted to let everyone know that I am still checking the board and I thank all of you for your kind words.



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i just made a lengthy post on my take on grieving, based on losing both my folks. but the basic gist is, no two people grieve the same and don't beat yourself up if you feel like you aren't doing it right.

i think the human mind and spirit are phenomenal things and i think they do all they can to protect us. so sometimes, they don't let us experience the grief until we and they are really ready to deal with it. unfortunately for me, that meant it hit at the strangest times. people expect you to cry in the funeral home, not so much in the grocery store.

plus, i found that with my mother, because i watched her lie in a hospital bed for 2 weeks on a respirator, that for a good bit of time after she died, the profound grief for me was overshadowed by the relief for her that she wasn't suffering anymore. eventually, my grief took over.

so again, in a nutshell, don't be hard on yourself, you will take your own path in the grief and healing process and it is the right path.

and that said, may i add my condolences. i'm new here, so i don't really know many folks. but i'm very sorry for your loss, as i'm aware what treasured things sisters can be.

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So glad to see your post. Been thinking of you and your family and hoping you are holding up OK.

I understand what you mean about the tears. I thought I'd be a raving nutcase at Maura's funeral, but somehow kept my tears somewhat under control. However, now after missing her so desparately for the past 11 months, the tears flow freely, AND without warning!!! I never know when I might burst into tears, and sometimes it's been a little embarassing!!

I wish I had some magical words of wisdom to offer that would help take away your sadness. Just remember that we all grieve in our own ways in our own timeframes. Know that we're always here for you if you need a shoulder to cry on, or a friend to listen. Be kind to yourself. Ellie

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Even though we knew it was coming when my mom died, I think after we all went home, my mind just about shut down. I had a really bad time 6 months later. I called my sister to ask if mom was really gone and she said, "yes". We lived 1500 miles apart so it was like mom was just on vacation. We do all mourn differently, there are no rules.

My heart goes out to you, I am so sorry for your loss.


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Just because you don't cry does not mean anything. When Deb passed I cried for about 3 days straight. THen it was sporadic. I used to break down in the middle of the grocery store cause we had so much fun shopping together that the cashiers use to come and help me cause they missed hearing all the laughter when we were there together coming from all over the place and they knew us both. GRief is different foe easch and everyone of us. Comes in many ways and forms and times. When the tears do come and they will let them don't figh them back. It is the only healthy thing to do..

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I'm so sorry about your beloved sister. I have two sisters of my own and I cannot imagine how you are feeling...

I think what you are going through is typical and normal - somehow you just go into this holding pattern afterward, it's like your body and mind protecting itself from the enormity of it all. I know that I cried a lot more during the time of my mom's diagnosis than I did in the weeks after her passing. I posted the same thing you did, about not being able to cry that much, and having a sense of numbness. I will agree with others that six months or so is when things got a bit harder.

There are stages and levels to your grief, and no way to really predict how you feel from one day to the next. As others have said, be gentle with yourself and let it come and go at will...

I'm so very sorry and sending hugs to you...

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First let me say how sorry I am for your loss.

I too am recently bereaved. I lost my husband on 10/2. I always thought that I would be absolutely inconsolable for weeks when that day came. That hasn't happened yet.

I think there are a couple of reasons why I haven't really broken down:

- I think in some way my mind is trying to protect me. I was absolutely numb the first two weeks. Now I'm still in a state of disbelief.

- I think that I am afraid to feel the weight of my grief. That if I allow myself to experience it, I might lose my mind.

- I think that I started grieving before my husband passed away.

Everyone's grief is unique, so please don't compare yourself to others. Do what feels best for you.

Wishing you peace,


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My dear Bobby,

My sincerest sympathy on the loss of Bev. This is my first post since losing Tony on 10/12, so I understand your confusion.

I also have not fallen apart since the evening he died and at the funeral. I think God gives humans some intense defense mechanisms to get us through the early days. The grief will come, but I know it will come in ways we least expect it and at odd times. (Having lost both of my parents and two of Tony's brothers, I've been through this before.) Even though I know other's have heard me say this, I'm still walking around in the "deer in the headlights" mode myself. I also knew from the beginning there was no cure for my dear husband, but that didn't stop my hope. You end up with a mixed bag of disbelief and shock at this stage. It's all okay, just let things move in God's time and he will know and be with us when the grief finally hits us between the eyes.

Take care of yourself and do what you can, when you can. I'm really trying to pace myself now after the flurry of activity surrounding the preparations and the actual wake and funeral. You need to do the same and don't worry -- your feelings are perfectly normal.


Debi (Welthy)

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I too have been thinking of you and am glad to see you post.

Everyone does grieve differently. It took me a while to have a real breakdown, and they still happen very infrequently -- but when they come, they really come. And I still don't quite believe it's true, and have been told that may not happen for years.

Bill always told me that he never could cry for his mother. He sat with her for two weeks solid as she died of lung cancer. It always bothered him. I don't know why he couldn't cry for her, but I do know that he absolutely adored her.

Two things that have been said ring very true -- one, that you've been grieving all along, even if you didn't recognize it as such. And two, you are being protected, because the full weight of the loss is too much.

You've been in a constant stage of "fighting" for Bev, then suddenly it's over. There's a sense of shock when that happens as well.

Hugs -- we're here,

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I also lost my Dad on October 6th. I cried a LOT the day he passed, but now it is only so often. I believe that part of it is because you are still in disbelief as I am, and also just numb. Give yourself time, as I am doing for me. This is so very hard. Take care of yourself and know always how blessed you were to have such a wonderful sister and have that love!

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Bobby-I have been thinking about you too.

This hits home for me since your sis and my Mom started this journey close to the same time but also they are both women with the small cell. It's so sad seeing how many people have passed away lately. I am wishing you much strength and comfort from friends and family in the days to come. Hoping you will stay on this site for support.

Take care of yourself


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