Round 3

[Wendy]

I posted under updates that I have a new met to my spine and I am back in treatment. What I didn't post is that I am really struggling emotionally with the new diagnosis. Its been over a month since I found out it was back.

I can hardly speak the word cancer without the feeling that I am going to throw up.

I hate the ups and downs

the fear

the anger

the unknown

the toxicity

the side effects

the fear in my families eyes

the loss of control

the possibility of what if.....

Time

Outwardly I look like I am handling it just fine, inward I am crumbling.

I have a great support system, therapist, fellow survivors, friends, antidepressants & family - but I seem to be my worst enemy. Forever looking through rose colored classes and shielding everyone in my path.

Tonight I hope that by truly admitting my feelings, I will release the emotional damn I have created.

Thanks for being my sounding board, and

where did I put the kleenex?

Wendy

[Connie B]

I totally get what your feeling and saying. The only thing is, I have NO WORDS of comfort for you. Our fear over runs us and it's so hard to get control of it at times.

I hate this disease and what it does to us.

Your words are my words. I know them well.

I only know I'm here for you, day, night, afternoon.

((((((((((((((((((((((((WENDY)))))))))))))))))))))

[Kasey]

Ah Wendy, I am not facing just what you are, but your list of 'hates' could most certainly have been written by me. In fact, I bet if all of us would come clean, we would all have to fess up to the same things. We ALL would like life as it was BC (Before Cancer), I bet. We go to bed with it, we awake with it, we muddle through the day with it. Granted, some who've made it out many years from dx may be dealing better, but even THEY experience it. I really don't know what the answer is for any of us ~ how to get through it. I guess I look to others who APPEAR to be cruising along doing just fine. I bet, though, if I looked harder, I would find that even they share such thoughts.

So, you see, I have nothing to help you through it,

Wendy. I am just finding comfort hearing someone (YOU) actually say it out loud. I don't feel so alone, and I hope by saying it, you won't feel so alone with it either. Someohow I gotta believe we all will get through this one way or another..........with the help of all our friends here.

Kasey

[Ry]

Wendy-

I just crumbled when I read your post. I watched John struggle with the same things and he tried to keep his feelings from me-- that was a mistake. Expressing your feelings is a wonderful thing-- let it out. It's not easy to face this disease and I am in awe every day I come here at what people struggle with and go through. I watched John go through horrible procedures to try to get rid of his cough, and when he passed away it was the first thing his kids missed-- his coughing-- the house was too quiet. I am glad you shared with us. I hope it encourages others to do the same.

[Snowflake]

Wendy,

You need to be kind to yourself. Cry yourself dry, take a deep breath, and take another step.

A very wise woman here used to have pity parties when she received news she couldn't handle at the time. She gave herself a time limit, felt sorry as sorry could be for herself, played the "it's not fair" card and wiped it all up on her predetermined time. Anyone was welcome to join in, but when time was up, the party was over.

Sit on the pity pot when you need to, just don't forget to flush...

Remember, when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. (...and buy stock in Kleenex)

xxoo,

Becky

[J.C.]

Wendy,

(((((((( HUGS)))))))))))

Jackie

[Don M]

I hope you feel better about it now Wendy. Emotionally, it is hard for me too as it is I am sure for all of us. Sometimes a wave of profound sadness comes over me and I start sobbing. But I quit immediately when I hear my daughter come in the room. I just recently started up antidepressants again and got some xanax.

don m

[Janet B]

Wendy - I too understand exactly what you are saying because I could have written it. And like the others have said - I am sorry I don't have the words to make it better - except that maybe by knowing that those feelings seem to be the norm among us - it makes them a little easier to bear. Like Kasey said - hearing you say it gave her some comfort, it gave me some comfort too, knowing my feelings were normal - hopefully hearing us say it will help you. That is the great thing about this board - when we feel we are alone or different, we find others who know just what we are going through and thinking. I am sending lots of hugs to you

[alexan]

i KNOW WHAT YOU FELING I HAD BEEN THERE ANY, MANY TIMES, I THINK THAT WHAT I REALLY HATE IS THE INCERTIDUMBRE OF TOMORROW. BUT WE NEED TO FOLLOW ALL THIS SMART GUYS. LIVE THE DAY...WILL SEE TOMORROW. GET XANAX THEY ARE GREAT.

BIG HUG, COUPLE OF TEARS & a lot of prayers

bucky

[Maryanne]

Thinking of you Wendy...Sorry for your diagnosis. Just remember you have to fight and never give up! All those fears you have are so freakin real. But you have to put on those boxing gloves and start round one again. We are right in your corner.

We have plenty of kleenex for you. You can vent anytime as it is better to get it out then to keep it in. We will always be your sounding board.

(((((((WENDY))))))

Maryanne

[carolhg]

I too understand your anxiety and fear. Please know that I am praying for you.

Carol

[Wendy]

Thank you so much for you kind words and understanding. I definetly feel better saying my fears out loud.

Today I am back with my boxing gloves on and ready to tackle the beast!!

All of my best,

Wendy