Really struggling with my mum's recurrence

[catlady91]

I feel so so gutted. My mum was doing so well and the oncologist seemed positive that there wouldn't be any changes. My mum was declared NED in November by her new consultant. The cancer has returned locally where it originally started. I'm so scared that my mum won't be able to beat this. She did so well initially. She had chemo and radiation last May/April which seemed to do the trick and started immunotherapy in June. Obviously the immunotherapy hasn't worked. The recurrence is fairly small and hasn't spread. It's fairly small and is in the place that it originally started. 

I'm gutted and I can't go through anymore pain. I've lost all hope. Everything seemed to be going so well. My mum has no mutations and I don't know if any other immunotherapies will work. I've lost the will to live and I want to die. I have nobody but my mum. I have nothing to live for.

[BridgetO]

Buck up, Catlady! Your mom needs your support and hope. There are undoubtedly several other treatments that could help her, if not to br cured, quite likely to help her live for a good long time with cancer as a chronic disease. This isn't thr time to throw in the towel. You have plenty to live for, including helping your mom to live and to find good treatments.

Hang in there!  Have hope and help your mom to have hope. 

Bridget O

 

[TJM]

I second Bridget. Get it together. Based on your recent posts it sure sounds like you wont be of much help to your mother if you lose it.

She needs you. I can tell you that it would devastate me if my wife freaks out when I get a reoccurrence.

If your just venting good. Everyone needs to vent. But I'm a bit worried.

Like I posted earlier. Keep some faith.

Peace

Tom

[LexieCat]

I know you're scared and worried, but remember, this--the cancer--really isn't ABOUT you. 

Like Tom, it would take a lot out of me if my kids or other family members started freaking out. We don't need to be reassuring everyone else. 

So work on finding some way to deal with your feelings, if you want to help your mom. I suspect you're way stronger than you think.

[catlady91]

I know that it's not about me but it affects me too especially as my mum and I are very close and we don't have much family. We've been through so much especially my mum. I tried to stay so strong and positive but it didn't work. I really thought that everything would be clear and the doctor also assured her that everything should be clear. I'm scared of how my mum will react to more treatment and if it will even work. She was NED since August. They found a small speck which they weren't sure what it was; if it was inflammation or some left behind cancer cells. Now we're thinking they were probably cancer cells. I really thought that the immunotherapy would tackle them. 

I'm scared to have anymore hope and positivity. I don't want to have to pretend to be strong all the time. I've got nobody to help me be strong and I'm mentally drained. 

[LouT]

Catlady,

Your love for you Mom is so apparent and wonderful.  I see the same in my daughter concerning her Mom.  My wife is in Memory Care for late-stage dementia.  On February 1st she was rushed to the hospital very sick.  My daughter and I thought it might be a stroke and, because of her dementia, we spent hours with her in the Emergency Room.  It turns out that she has covid and we were exposed.  The doctors took two days to confirm it, but started treatment early.  My daughter was really falling apart.  Like you and your Mom they are so close there is no shadow between them on a sunny day.  I can only tell you what I discussed with her:

Her feelings are pure and good, but she has no control over this disease, her Mother's other illness or the outcome of either.  Her job is to work with me and the doctors to ensure Mom gets good care and knows that she is loved.  Your situation is not that different.  You have no control over the cancer, remission, recurrence or progression.  But you can make her comfortable, feel loved (which I'm sure you already do) and work with her medical team to ensure she is getting all the possible benefit of today's medical treatment.  There are things we can't control.  We are observers and (very) interested parties, but not controllers.  My counsel is to do what you can to help, be the best support you can be and put your faith in whatever higher power you chose to believe in.  You need to be focused on her and not let yourself be sucked into the disease as well.  I hope this is helpful, even if in a small way.

Lou

[TJM]

Lou

Excellent post. Exceptional. I hope you havent got COVID. If you do just remember you have many friends here who will be praying for you.

Wish you and your wife the best.

Peace

Tom

[BridgetO]

Lou, I love your compassionate response to Catlady. How is your wife doing with the Covid? I've got my fingers crossed for you that you don't get infected! 

Bridget O

[Judy M2]

Last year on Valentine's Day I almost died. Not from lung cancer, as you might expect, but from a perforated sigmoid colon and a great deal of sepsis. I was saved by emergency surgery performed by a skilled team.

When I was recovering in the ICU, I was suffering so much that I told my sister I was prepared to die. I could see how shocked she was, but I just wanted the suffering to be over. 

I relate this because none of us knows when our time is up. We have no guarantee of living from day to day. Lung cancer will surely shorten my life, but something else might get me first. 

My brush with death and subsequent recovery taught me some important things. First, within my support group, no one displayed anything but optimism in front of me. I know my family, particularly my husband, were terrified for me, but they did not let me see it. Maybe this is because they are older and had all experienced loss before. In fact, my husband had just lost his sister to pancreatic cancer just a few months earlier. 

I also learned to be brutal with myself to not engage in what-if thoughts and to live one day at a time. On New Years Eve 2019, I had bleak thoughts about my future. Today I no longer permit myself to think that way. 

@catlady91, please reach out to a social worker or your cancer society to help you find strategies for coping. They have seen it all. Lung cancer is bad, but I can tell you that dementia, like LouT's wife has, is a vicious disease. You grieve your loved one every day as you see the person they were slip away day after day. This can go on for years and at the end, the grieving begins anew.

Finally, I lost an uncle to suicide about 20 years ago. It devastates families. If you are considering this, please immediately call a suicide prevention hotline. They too can help you get through this crisis. I'm sure there are also cancer support groups locally. Find one and join, even if virtually. You need to do this to help your mom. 

[LouT]

Bridget, Tom (and others),

Surprisingly, my wife got through the worst with Covid and will be discharged back to Memory Care tomorrow to finish her recovery.  My daughter and I tested negative, but still had to quarantine for 10 days. The good new is that our tests were negative and we never developed symptoms, so as of tomorrow we are free again.  So, all in all, I consider us to be pretty blessed.  Thanks everyone.

Lou