kimblanchard Posted August 23, 2004 Share Posted August 23, 2004 I posted this, with minor differences, over in the general forum, but I thought I would post it here as well: I don't think what I have done could be characterized as "simply moved on." Maybe five months later is too soon to be involved, maybe five years is. I will never be the same man I was two years ago, but I do live with hope that I can be a better one. It has been the greatest honor of my life to be Becky's companion; it was without irony that I began my eulogy of her in the words of Lou Gehrig: "Today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth." I want more, much more, infinitely more time with Becky. But that is not for this life. I could be crushed; I could be devastated. In many ways, I am. But that disrespects how hard we fought this disease. The reason we battled so hard is that every day is so precious and so full of beauty that it is a shame to miss a single one. If I don't make today worth fighting for, then why the hell were we fighting so hard? When I am with Alisa, I see more clearly than ever the man I want to be as I grieve. Not after I am done; I will never be done. But she is a woman hurt on so many levels - assaulted, raising disabled children, hurt in a poor marriage - hurt in many ways worse than me. And her response is not to close out the world, not to refuse to be hurt again, but to make herself more vulnerable, and therefore be more open to the beauty that is every day. I want Becky back, and I would gladly trade places with her because Katie needs her so much, but I don't have that choice. And so given that, I do want a life worthy of Becky's fight. I want to appreciate the time I have here. I want to make this world a better place for me having spent some time in it. I so understand where you are, because it is where I was six months ago. And six months ago I could not have imagined loving another woman. And it is premature to say that now, as gaga as I am. And I pray that you are never here. But my prayer for all the widows and widowers is that in good time, whatever that time is for each of us, is that we can make the rest of our lives worthy of the brave battles our spouses fought. Maybe that is simply moving on. But I hope it is more than that. Curtis Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angelb Posted August 23, 2004 Share Posted August 23, 2004 Curtis. (My two cents here) I think that whatever you decide is going to be best for you and Katie. I dont think that you have to come to this board and justify your personal life to anyone. Only you know whats going on 100% in your life right now. I am thinking that unless someone is there with you every step of the way and can see whats in your heart (No one but you and God can see that) that you should not have to justify anything you do to anyone. Your life is your own, and frankly I think its great that you are able to accept another human being into your life so soon after Becky's passing. That shows that you have made yourself vulnerable because you are opening up and letting yourself care. Just because you have chosen to reach out with someone who touches your interests and having things in common - and possibly pulls a heartstring, doesnt mean you have "Moved on" - you are living your life, for your sake, for Katie's, and lets not forget for Becky's sake. So, you do what you feel is right in your heart and take care of you and take care of the little one. God Bless. Angela Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimblanchard Posted August 23, 2004 Author Share Posted August 23, 2004 Evidently, the tone of that was more aggresive than I intended. The main reason I posted this here is not to justify my decisions but to offer a prayer for all of us. I fail most everyday at making the day as precious as it should be. My vision and my hope is that the very sadness that brings us to this forum in particular ought to be the drive to maximize each day. That we live on gratefully and vulnerably not in spite of our sadness but because of it. Because we have a keener sense of how important every moment is. That is what I hope people take away from that message, but evidently, that isn't clear enough. Curtis Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowflake Posted August 23, 2004 Share Posted August 23, 2004 Curtis, It's not so much "moving on" as it is "moving". You know my thoughts, you get the blunt edge of 'em through PM's. You HAVE my support and I just don't want to see you (plural, you AND Katie) hurt anymore. Enough is enough... I don't see you putting Becky behind you, yet instead of your passenger in your Limousine of Life, she is now the air freshener... Somedays the scent may be almost gone, yet on sunny days it will be as strong as ever. You and Becky shared a life, a child, and many, many hopes and dreams. She will never be "gone" from you and you will never "move away", just be sure to keep moving. Love, Becky Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elaine Posted August 23, 2004 Share Posted August 23, 2004 Curtis, I know you have to know what an emotional issue this is to so many of us. We have our intellect and we have our emotions and those two don't always match up. As the likely "Becky" in the scenario, I know I would want you to do as you are doing and would be so pleased to see you doing it thoughtfully. But there is an emotional pang, too, caused by the fact that I would so much rather be going on in this world that it hurts sometimes. I hope that makes sense. It can't be easy--this passage from one love to whatever the future holds for you. As for me, I hope it holds a load of happiness, peace and love. elaine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angelb Posted August 23, 2004 Share Posted August 23, 2004 You know, I am not even sure if this applies, but on the day that Tom and I got married, my uncle Johnny made a speech that I really did'nt quite understand until I was personally effected by this disease. He went on and on about "this is a good day to die"., now knowing what I know and as you put it Because we have a keener sense of how important every moment is. Its amazing the new sense of being we have now. Just the fact that you identified "I fail most everyday at making the day as precious as it should be." means that you are doing the best that you can. If you didnt acknowlege these sensitivities then maybe...but you chug on in life - Becky is there with you each and every day - just look at Katie and you will see her clear as the sun is bright. Take care of yourself Curtis, and kiss that cutie patooty! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimblanchard Posted August 23, 2004 Author Share Posted August 23, 2004 Now I have multiple cutie patooties from which to choose. Curtis Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elaine Posted August 23, 2004 Share Posted August 23, 2004 Huh? Ok so I am dense... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhutch1366 Posted August 23, 2004 Share Posted August 23, 2004 lol... God bless and keep you and Katie well, curtis. XOXOXOXOX MaryAnn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ginnyde Posted August 23, 2004 Share Posted August 23, 2004 Curtis, I have always heard that happily married people are the ones that remarry the quickest. They know how happy a marriage can be. Curtis, follow your heart. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andrea Posted August 23, 2004 Share Posted August 23, 2004 Curtis, I cannot tell you how happy I was to hear about Alisa. You are not "simply moving on". You are doing what you need to do to survive and of course take care of Katie. I will be honest with you, remember that PM i sent you when I was so excited to see that you were getting your feet wet with on line dating? I have been contemplating a few times sending you a follow up to see how it was going but I did not want to be nosey. So THANK you for sharing!!! My mom's dad got killed when she was 12, he got hit by a car. My grandmother remarried when my mom was 19, so Papa Joe was the only grandfather I knew. However, my mom's father's memory lives on--I am named after him; my engagement ring diamond is the diamond he gave my grandmother. You have such strength and courage, it is to be admired Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimblanchard Posted August 24, 2004 Author Share Posted August 24, 2004 The E-harmony experience for me has been almost entirely positive. It was a great way for me to put a toe in the water with all but complete freedom to run away quickly if needed. By putting quite a bit about my story directly into my profile, I could avoid having to tell the details of Becky and Katie to every person I came across. So I don't have to explain the fact that I tear up every ten minutes or so. Deno, who signed up at the same time, has had a horrible experience with noone wanting to talk to her at all. Alisa's experience has been a little better than I would have liked. I would have preferred to be the only guy she liked on it. Though, I guess, she would have quit long before I came along had that been the case. So I consider the competition a blessing. But I seem to have my own demographic that just loves me. The 30-something single mom crowd is just all for me. Can't understand it, but not arguing with it. (Especially since that demo is just packed with cuties)But I would recommend e-harmony to anyone interested, though particularly males. Evidently, there are way more women than men on the site, and so we have many more opportunities. As to the idea of dating again, I think the biggest revelation is how nice it has been to be a sexual creature again - I am not talking sex here, calm down Snowflake, just snuggling and smooching - in which it was just fun and affectionate. The biggest fear Becky had besides not surviving was that we wouldn't have any more children. As the time went on, every act of affection carried a lot of bags. I walked a tightrope between wanting her to know that I still thought she was a sexy babe and at the same time it was also totally okay that there wasn't the same kind of passion or spark or whatever. How could there be? But for her, I needed it to be close enough to the surface for her to see it would be there once this was past. But far enough from the surface that she didn't feel like she was letting me down over and over. So being able to snuggle and kiss and have affection that doesn't have to carry all those bags is nice. I have thoroughly enjoyed that the last couple of weeks. I didn't realize what weights were placed on that affection until they were taken off. Thanks again. Now I must hit the books. Curtis Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimblanchard Posted August 24, 2004 Author Share Posted August 24, 2004 Hello Curtis, first and foremost I am very sorry for your loss, I lost my husband to this terrible disease Oct of 2002. I too have found new love in my life, about a year after my husband died. I went on Match.Com just because I was tired of being lonely and wanted to meet some new people. The site gave me a chance to tell about myself and my situation in a profile so people knew about my husband who I had loved dearly and what had happened right up front. I was hoping someone in a simular situation or even just sensitive to the issue would come along, and someone did. A wonderful man e-mailed me, the first one of only a few to respond and actually who lived near me. We e-mailed, chatted and met and have been inseperable for almost a year now. I imagine we may be engaged soon. I felt guilty almost to write on the board because my life, though different has changed so much, for the good and the stronger now. I felt bad sharing on the board to people with who are suffering such losses and might not understand how I can move on so early.. life does get better sometimes sooner, sometimes alot later and too feel this way again is important to me and my family. I didn't think I would/could be happy again, but I am happy I was wrong and life looks better to me now. I wish you all the luck, love and strength to you and to anyone who wonders if life can go on..I believe it can. Hope you don't mind me responding to your post like this... My prayers to you and your loved ones. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeckyCW Posted August 24, 2004 Share Posted August 24, 2004 Curtis, I have only respect for what you are doing! What occurs to me as I read your posts and all the messages above is that if you had a choice, you would NOT be "moving on," -- You'd still be with Becky, raising Katie together and sharing the love you had. When Becky was still there, "moving on" was never even something to consider. Obviously you aren't chosing someone OVER Becky; you may eventually be chosing someone AFTER Becky. And the timing on that has to be such an individual thing. From what I could see, Becky was a very unselfish person, and I can only imagine she would would be upset if you were to deny yourself and Katie something as important as love and a full, rich, happy life. BeckyCW Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J.C. Posted August 24, 2004 Share Posted August 24, 2004 Curtis, I will speak up from my 76 years of age and experience. You are doing great. I have also reach a time that I am happy in my own way, alone, but smiling all the time (I mean mostly) and go my merry way, with Mike by my side. I miss him more than ever, but for me life is for living, grief is part of it and will stay there, but life will go on. Good luck in life, Curtis. J.C. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jo_lanier Posted August 24, 2004 Share Posted August 24, 2004 Curtisg, your freind does sound like a wonderful person. When you say she was hurt in a poor marriage, do you mean she is still in the poor marriage or that a poor marriage hurt her in the past? Whatever the case, I hope that you can be what she needs in the way of loving support. I'm glad that she and your daughter have a relationship outside of yours. I hope that you will figure out how to spend lots of time with her kids too. If this does turn into something serious, the last thing you would want would be for your kids to be strangers having to learn to live together. That causes too much stress. There is no real Brady Bunch. Thank you for your encouraging words about my reply to your thread. You sound like a wonderful, caring father, and I know your wife is watching over the two of you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harn Posted August 24, 2004 Share Posted August 24, 2004 Curtis, I have been married to my husband, John for 30 years and if I were to die, I hope that he would find someone to love. He shouldn't be alone because he has filled me with so much joy and laughter....He deserves that same joy and laughter too. Thanks for reminding me to tell everyone else that now.. Kathy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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