He made a tape

[hollyridge]

I made a discovery a little bit ago that has me absolutely reeling. My dear sweet husband Bill who died on February 26th of this year left me a video tape and did not tell me where to find it. I decided I would finally look at a couple of old tapes from our vacations or christmas and I pulled out three of them from the shelf behind the bar where they have been kept for years and next to one of them was an un-labeled video tape. It just said BILL, DAD, GRANDPA on it on a post-it note. I brought it upstairs and decided to see what it was in order to label it properly and almost passed out when I saw it was Bill, outside on our deck, facing the camera, and giving a lengthy narrative telling me and our three children and our four grandchildren goodbye. He made the tape in secret over two years ago and never told me that it existed or where to find it. I cannot imagine how he thought I would find it. It was not in any special place. It was just sitting among the other videos. I am still in shock. I feel so honored that he did this but I am still confused as to why the secret. I miss him so much it makes me sick. When he died 6 months ago I was only 49 years old. Now I am 50 and alone and I need him so badly. I am desparate to see him and hold him and smell him. I have only watched the video twice because I get so upset by it. I need to get some help to figure this out. My heart is destroyed and my life is over and I need to be with my Bill.

[stand4hope]

Holly,

If it had been me, I NEVER would have found the tape because I'm one of those people that will just throw it away. If I had found a blank tape with no label, I know that's what I would have done, because I've done it several times.

I have flipped back and forth to your post at least 4 times tonight trying to find some words, but they just aren't there. I just don't know how I would feel if I had found something like that tape. I'm not sure if I would cherish it or hate it. I just don't know. Losing a spouse is one of the toughest, if not THE toughest, things to adjust to, and it sounds like discovering the tape could set you back a little, but hopefully just a few baby steps back.

Ginny has posted several times that there just aren't any words to make it easier, and she speaks from experience, so I'll just steal that from Ginny and tell you that I am so sorry for the emptiness you are feeling.

Much love and prayers,

Peggy

[kimblanchard]

Becky was set to make a tape the very weekend after she died with a company in Houston. I would give just about anything to have that tape. I don't understand the secret except to say this: maybe your husband never wanted to admit losing hope or acknowledging the possibility of death in your presence. Becky did so many things for me - organized the documents I would need to take to claim social security, for example - that prove she considered them but she rarely did in front of me.

That tape is a blessing. It may not feel like it now. But especially when those grandchildren are older, they will cherish it.

Curtis

[shirleyb]

Holly,

It takes my breath away reading your post. How I would give anything to have a tape like that. I have only one tape and it only has Randy's voice on it talking to our grandson as he was outside playing. I cherish that tape. I found it on Christmas eve last year. I know I cried and cried.

Since I don't know what Bill said, my take on it is that he wanted you to know what he felt. I am sure it was hard for him to do it and by not telling you, maybe he was hopeful that he would win. As Curtis said, it may be a blessing for your children and grandchildren. I too wish I could hold Randy one more time. I miss him so.

I am sorry this has thrown you for such a loop. I am sure it was shocking to you and touched you very deeply.

Take care dear one. It is another one of those paths we take as we miss our loved ones so.

Praying for us all and wishing you enough.

Shirleyb

[J.C.]

Holly,

I have no words to ease your pain,

but I would love to have a tape like you found.

All I have is a wall of photos, right in front of me,

and all the souvenirs, physical and mental of our

life together.

Lucky you.

J.C.

[Snowflake]

Holly,

Had you known about the tape two years ago when he made it, you would probably have felt that he had lost hope and laughed it off with a "you'll beat this" and possibly even have talked him out of keeping the tape he had made. The fact that he labeled it with just a Post-It shows that it was not a permanent label, so had his story have had a different ending, the tape would have gone in the trash and you have been none the wiser...

It sounds as if he left this tape in a place that the two of stored your memories - among the vacation and Christmas tapes. It doesn't sound like he hid it, per se, but that he put where you would find it when you NEEDED to and were ready to relive some memories. His "just in case" has become a reality, and he left you and your kids and grandkids a piece of him and proof that he was "here" - something that youngsters can forget over time.

Watch it when you are able, Holly. If it's still too much, you can wait, the tape isn't going anywhere (but you may want to punch out the tab so no one mistakes it for a blank tape and tapes over his message).

I am so sorry you are going through this.

xxoo,

Becky

[luvmydog2]

Let me give it to you from a mans veiw. I agree with Becky. I think he put it where he knew you would find it. I don't think he did it secretly, but just to surprise you. Would you have laughed at the idea a year ago? I have an audio tape of my mother. I knew that when she passed that a few would not want things done the way I did. My mother left me to handle all her affairs for several years before she passed. She left specific instructions for me to carry out...in her own voice. I didn't need to use the tape and my sisters dosen't know that it exists. Back to your video. It sounds like something I might do. Like the others have said...cherish it. I'd suggest making a copy or perhaps transfer to CD in case that one ever gets damaged. You can never replace that.

[TeeTaa]

I agree wholeheartedly with Becky. He knew you'd eventually find it, but he knew that by putting it in this place you probably wouldn't find it in that first little while after his death.

What a wonderful gift he left you, although I understand how difficult it must be to watch. But I'd give more than you can imagine to have a tape like that of my Daddy before he died almost 30 years ago.

Praying for us all,

TeeTaa

[hollyridge]

Thank you everyone for your sweet thoughts and advice. I AM definately having the tape transferred to a disk to safeguard it.

It the tape Bill addresses each child and each grandchild individually and tells them how special they are and how much he loves them. He speaks to me as if he were still sitting here. He tells me how much he loves me and to not be afraid if the "worst" happens but most importantly he tells me very pointedly that he will NEVER leave me. That part makes me feel so good because I believe that. He asks me not to be sad but to cherish life and know that he is here with me.

He was/is an extremely special man with the ability to love and express that love easily. I will never recover from this but with his help maybe I can hang on until it is time to join him in paradise.

[Don Wood]

What a beautiful gift! What a man!

[K and Kids]

I don't have words of comfort but I am so impressed by your husband's gift ... as painful as it might be. What a loving thing to do and one that takes such strength. You are showing great strength in working through this time. I wish you lots of love and hope that some day this tape will be a treasure that comforts you.

[paddy]

As my daughter eloquently said, "What strength"! I cannot imagine how gut-wrenching it must be to have to make a tape like this. My heart is simply aching for you and I pray for your strength and peace. All my love,

Paddy

[-Cheryl-]

Holly,

Perhaps there are no such things as accidents. Maybe your Bill wanted you to find the tape, now when you need it most. May you find comfort in it.

Cheryl

[tess]

Holly,

I think what he did was a great gift for all the family. My husband left me 3 different letters telling me how much he loved me and how I need to go on with my life. After he died, his brother told me where he hid them because he came to visit Rob one day, and Rob told him where he put the letters. Of course they made me cry but I was so thankful for them. It was a wonderful gift too. He said he just didn't think he could make a video because he would get choked up too much. When I got the letters out, I sat on the couch to read them and the phone rang one time. I answered it and no one was there. I think Rob was trying to tell me he was still here with me in spirit. There was no number on the caller ID. I've heard of things like this happening to people but never thought it would happen to me! At least I like to think it was Rob.

I know how you feel, I miss my husband so much too, it is so hard to think of not having your husband here to talk to , to hug, and smell like you said. I have his ashes on his dresser in an urn until his headstone is finished then we are going to have a little ceremony at the cemetary. I also have is baseball cap sitting on top of the urn. When I start missing him I grab the hat and his smell is on it. It makes me feel he is here with me but in a way it makes me miss him that much more. I will always keep that hat! It means a lot to me. I bought it for him 2 years ago on his birthday. He died the day before he turned 49. I just turned 51, and I feel so lost without him too. WE are both in the same boat and its no fun. I am sure that someday when we finish mourning, we will be able to go on with our lives. Right now, it just seems like were stuck in limbo. I don't know if it makes you feel any better knowing that there are a lot of us going thru this grief but I just wanted to share my feelings with you. Sorry I just keep rambling on. Take care, and God Bless.

Tess

[Ann]

How wonderful of your dear husband to leave you this very special gift. Like others, I think Becky was right. I'm sure he knew that you would find this video he made, tucked away with other videos of special memories. I know how much you must cherish this video. I cherish every tape that shows even a glimpse of Dennis. Sometimes when I watch them, it seems like everything that has happened is just a dream. I'm praying for you!!!