Ann

Lillian, thanks so much for sharing these words with all of us. The love you and Johnny shared was (and always will be) very special. The kind of love you and Johnny shared only come once in a lifetime and only then to those that are very lucky. I had this love with Dennis. I think the wonderful thing about all of your stories is that you, Lillian, are a survivor. So many times during your painful journey you have doubted your abilities. Now, my dear friend, you know just how strong a lady you really are!!! Together, we will make this journey.

Lisa, thank you so much for sharing this site. It meant so much for me to be able to light a candle for my Dennis.

Sending heartfelt prayers for this family!!!

I am so sorry to read of your loss. This group will be able to help you through the weeks and months ahead, as many of us have experienced the loss of a loved one. I pray that God will grant you the strength you need to get through this and the peace you will need in your heart to accept this loss.

Oh my! Just reading your post brought back feelings that I experienced a few months ago when I went back to the hospital where Dennis received his treatments for the first time. It was a feeling that I can hardly express in words. Like you, I wanted to be back there again...with Dennis. When I left, I felt as if I was leaving something behind and felt completely lost for days. While at the hospital I felt as if the breath was gone from my body and my head felt very light! This is so strange! At the time, I felt like this trip back would help me put closure on Dennis's death. But...I think I would react the same should I return again!

Thanks so much for sharing this information. Since Dennis's death, there have been so many people I know that have been diagnosed with cancer. They always seem to ask me questions since I have been through this journey. I have ordered one of the toolboxes and will have it available to share with others when they need information. Thanks so much.

Sharon...I think each and every one of us that have lost a loved one has feelings of guilt. We always seem to think there is something we did or didn't do, as the case may be. Dennis was at home when he died. He was't able to communicate his pain level to us at the end but when he was extremely restless, I would administer small a small dosage of morphine under his tongue. This would seem to calm him some. It made me feel better, as I knew the pain would be less...if he was feeling pain. Sharon, we can't second guess these things. I am sure the medication was not the cause of your father's death. All of us have those "what-if's" that continually seem to haunt us. As part of our healing process, we have to learn to tell ourselves that we did the best we could do for our loved ones. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I am so glad you posted your feelings. Now you know how many of us think about the same things. It's all normal and part of the long journey!!! I'm keeping you in my prayers.

I all too well know what you are going through. Some of the things we are asked to do and information we have to provide is absolutely ricidulous. I was just so overwhelmed with it all that I just put all the small stuff on the back burner for a while and only dealt with life insurance and social security and insurance in the beginning. That alone was overwhelming. Then, I had to go through the issue of searching for paperwork all over the house and Dennis's office. There was so much to do with his business (plumbing contractor) and that was the really hard part for me. Joni, I know what you mean about the painting. I went through that stage. There was painting, changing, rearranging...and looking back I think my mind was just working to keep the real issues at hand off my mind at the time. I still, two years later, have things to do. Let's just all help each other along with moral support and maybe we'll get through this!!!

I would like to wish each and everyone of you a happy and blessed New Year. For each of us, this means many different things. To some of us, it means prayers and wishes for healing and strength to fight this disease. To others, it means strength and guidance to be a caretaker for a friend or loved one that is fighting this disease. And...for others of us, it means praying that God will grant us understanding and acceptance of losing our loved ones and the strength to go forward on our journey in life. I pray that each of my firends here on this board will have God's help in having a happy and fulfilling New Year 2005.

Thanks for all of your kind words, thoughts and prayers. The past week was absolutely terrible for me. On the 15th, I kept feeling as if I was just going to smother. There was such a "weight" on my chest and such a feeling of emptiness and lonliness. I must have replayed every single minute of that day over and over in my mind...at least a hundred times. I could "really" feel the same feeling I had when I realized Dennis was gone. I remembered the feeling I had when I realized, a few days after his death, that I would never see him again, in this life. I remembered how I yearned for those big strong arms to hold me and that sweet voice to assure me that everything was going to be alright, as he had done so many times during our 26 years together. I still don't understand why Dennis is gone. I still do not know what God's purpose was in taking him but I still wait to see that purpose unfold. On every Christmas morning, just before opening gifts, I always said a prayer, thanking God for our family and praying that we would always be together at Christmas time and asked God to keep us safe until the next Christmas. When I saif that prayer in 2001, I had not even the foggiest idea that Dennis would not be with us for Christmas 2002. God, this all hurts so bad. I am trying to move on with my life but life will never be the same. I feel so lost and alone, even in a crowd. I pray for all of my dear friends here that are missing their loved ones at Christmas.

Cindy, I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. I pray that God will give you the strength and peace you need to get through this terrible time. I am so glad you have children near you. I could not have made it without my dear sons. I will keep you and your family in my prayers!

December 15th will mark the two year date of losing my beloved Dennis. The pain is just as fresh as it was two years ago. I am trying to go forward with my life and keep busy but there are times that seems almost an impossibility. I'm at that point of reliving every day...every hour that preceded his passing. Pray for me that I will somehow make it through these next few days!!!

Dean, it was so wonderful to hear from you and read another of your clever and witty posts! You seem to have this all under control so very well and I admire you so very much for strength! Hang in there and please keep in touch whenever you feel up to it!

Diane, I am so sorry to read of your father's passing. It is so very hard to deal with this during the holidays. I lost my husband 10 days before Christmas and I doubt Christmas will ever bring the same feeling that it used to. Please know that I am praying for you and your family. So very sorry!

Sometimes when I am going out, I get to the car and realize I have forgotten something and run back inside. On several occasions, I have seen Dennis's favorite recliner/rocker just rocking away when I enter the door. As many of you know, I do have pets and that could be a reasonable explanation except for the fact that this chair is terribly difficult to rock. The cats sit in it all the time and it never moves as they jump in and out of it. On one occasion, Dennis's favorite cat was just sitting on the floor looking up at the empty chair. I have a problem with watches/clocks running since Dennis died. He was always a stickler about time, usually complaining there was never enough time to get things done. I can have new batteries in a clock or watch and they will just stop, As suddenly as they stop, they will start running again. I also feel a strong sense of his presence when driving the car. we made so many trips to the doctors during those last months and I was always driving. I am so thankful that these things happen. They remind me that there is a thin veil between where he is and where I am and that someday that will be removed and we will be together.

Donna, thanks so much for posting this. I needed to read this today! It's just one of those days that I need to be reminded that my Dennis is now free of the pain of cancer!!! This is so beautiful!

Welcome Home Amy!!! Good for you! I'm glad you just shot it right back to her. People are so ruthless and have such predetermined ideas about things they aren't even qualified to be discussing. I think the majority of the general population think that if you have lung cancer you must be a smoker. Do these people read the newspaper or watch television? My husband was a smoker, for way too many years. However, I am not and have never been a smoker but, according to statistics, my chances of developing lung cancer in my lifetime are greater because I have merely been exposed to second hand smoke! Good luck Amy and I'm so glad you've come home!

Great News Fay!!!!! Hooray!!!! Yipee!!!! Way to go and all that good stuff!!!

Kim, I am so glad to hear things are going better for your Dad and I can also sense that you have begun to find some peace. I think those that say "time heals all wounds" wasn't completely correct. I think time only gives us the opportunity to learn to deal with our pain, each of us in our own way. As for the trip, that's a tough call. Maybe your Dad would welcome the quiet time to reflect on what has been and what could have been. But...those mountains, although beautiful, can make one feel very small and alone when compared to all the majesty of nature. Maybe it would be a great time for you to spend some really quality time with your Dad and to be there for him. I think Mom's are very firtunate in that we always seem to know how our children really think and feel. We're always in touch with our children's emotions. Often, men are busy with other things. They support their family and deal with other aspects of keeping things together. Maybe you can use the upcoming days to share many of the things with your Dad that you shared with your Mom. Kim, I am keeping you and your Dad in my prayers. I admire your openess and willingness to share your feelings with us!!! Good luck!!!

It is so good to hear from you, Renee. I'm glad to hear you're keeping busy. That is the best thing for you right now. I know it's hard to concentrate. I still find myself daydreaming about Dennis often and have to snap my mind back and think about the present versus the past! I'm saying a little prayer for you!

Kim, it is so wonderful to see someone finally posting how they really feel about losing someone and coping with good news from others. Several of us here on the board have discussed these feelings PRIVATELY but have not been as open in our postings as you!!! Thank you so much for saying this. Although I am extremely happy when a member of this board has good news, there is always a part of me that asks..."why couldn't this have been Dennis?" I have come to believe that everything that happens to us here on earth is part of God's "mystery" plan for us and our lives. I heard something the other day that really made me stop and think. To make it brief, the thought was...what if the person we have lost was really our guardian angel for all these years??? I like that thought! If so, I had a really wonderful angel looking out for me for 26 years! Keeping you in my prayers Kim. Remember, grieving has very many stages!

What a wonderful tribute! I know how hard this is for you. I sometimes wonder if I am the only one that is remembering special dates and days. It seems almost every morning I wake up and think about where we were in Dennis's treatment at this time of year. I cannot believe it has been almost two years ago now! Keeping you im my prayers!!!

YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH... This is pretty neat. DON'T CHEAT BY LOOKING AT THE END FIRST! It takes less than a minute....... Work this out as you read. Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out! 1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate. (more than once but less than 10) 2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold) 3. Add 5. (for Sunday) 4. Multiply it by 50 I'll wait while you get the calculator................ 5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1754....If you haven't, add 1753 6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born. You should have a three digit number. The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).The next two numbers are . YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!) THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2004) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.

Make sure volume is turned up!!!! www.silverforkmedia.com/hurricane2004.html

You know, December 15th will mark two years since I lost my beloved husband, Dennis. I have to stop and make myself believe that it has really been that long, as it often seems like only yesterday. The pain still feels so "fresh" at times. It all starts to flood back in my mind and any and all progress I have made toward stepping forward in life seems to vanish. I have all of you that have recently lost a spouse in my prayers. I know how hard this is and what each of you is going through. We just have to be strong and rely on our faith to get us through. Each of us learned some valuable lessons from our partners and now we can put those lessons into use. I agree that this paperwork is overwhelming and one just gets to the point of throwing up your hands. Keeping you in my prayers!!!