Treebywater

Heather, I'm so sorry for your loss. Know that we're still here to support you.

YOU ARE AWESOME!!!!!!!

((((Martha))))) That one year mark was a rough one for me too. Soon after it got a little easier... and then, the waves came back, but they are a little different each time. I ache for you at this anniversary and wish both of us had our Mama's to be with us. love, Val

Alright!!!!!!

((((hugs)))) to you. You will keep getting through the days somehow... Partle because of the amazing strength your Mama gave you. Thinking of you.

(((((Tracy))))) I don't think you got Lung Cancer for some divine purpose or plan... I think that would make God mean.... But I am not God, so what do I know? I don't get why the terrible stuff happens.... and it just hurts. I am praying that you are going to be tucking that little girl for a long time to come, and then tucking in her kids. And I am praying that you will find some peace tonight. Val

So... Well... Context: We found out last week that Husband will likely be deployed to the sandbox for four months.... That time will include our due date and the weeks following. Four months is not long, and we are grateful for that, but the timing really pretty much monumentally sucks. I woke up this morning thinking about that... Not about delivery this time, or the days at home this time, but about staying in the hospital by myself, and how scary that seems to me (what a thing to whine about here, right? Sorry guys....). And then I thought about how much I wish Mom was here, because she would come be with me and be in the delivery room, and stay with ME, and Dad could stay with Carolyn... And then I was just bawling because I miss my Mom and I hate that I have to do this without her, and I hate that again here I am doing this hard thing without Mom or my husband. Just sobbed for her not being able to meet this baby, or be here.... or any of it. But I shook that off, and went on with my day... except that it lingered. Went to lunch with some friends who were celebrating my birthday--one of the friends gave me a book... I pulled the book out and there it was, "Momisms." It's supposed to be a funny book full of 'Mom-type' sayings, and what they really mean. She gave it to me because I *AM* a Mom.... and I know she didn't think about me losing my Mom, but God.... it was a kick in the stomach. I flipped through, and couldn't even crack a smile. She wanted me to read some out loud, and I knew that would make me cry, so I just said, "How about if I pass it around...." How could she give ME THAT book? Ouch. There I go being ungrateful again. Then... Dad's fiancee called... Which is so nice, and I so appreciate it. It was just a voicemail, which is probably good because I don't think I'd have held myself together--or at least the crying would have lasted a lot longer. She called and sang me happy birthday. It's a tradition in her family... And like I said, I SO appreciate it. I so do. I love that she is wanting to do this special thing for me... . But I couldn't not wish that it was Mom calling. I couldn't not cry. I miss her. I want her to be here to help me with this deployment, and to help me with the baby. I see other women who have to go through giving birth while their husbands are deployed and almost every single time guess who comes to help? Their Moms. Who will help me? Who will hold my hand? Who will be my 'familiar person' in the delivery room since my husband can't be? It all just makes me jealous and sad. I know EVERYTHING isn't about my grief, but I don't see how I Couldn't NOT see how it touches this. Tomorrow is 18 months since she left... I can still see her hands.... It feels like it was yesterday. It still feels like she is so real, and solid, and here, and I know it is because she is.... But I wish she was MORE here. I wish she was here here. I miss her. I still have these days where I just want my Mommy. All that said (and to prove to you that I am not wallowing)--I am doing my best to have a GOOD day. My husband is here and he is baking me a birthday cake (how cool is that???). It's the first birthday that he will be home for since we were married 3 and a half years ago (that's Navy life for ya. ). And I am so happy about that. So excited about my cake, and celebrating together as a family tonight. I love anything 'together as a family.' Today IS special. But the sad parts... are making it weird and hard too. I'll take the bad with the good and be grateful that that the hard parts mean that I had an amazing, wonderful mother.... She was Not perfect... . But just so GOOD.

Me too!

I am just so angry for you having to go through this! What an idiot! Can we revoke his MD? You listen to the oncologist's encouragement. And know that your husband CAN beat the odds. And we're all supporting you guys and praying that he will beat those odds to smithereens!

I am so very, very sorry... Please know that we will continue to support you.

Jen--I loved your post and your thoughts and your succinct way of summing up your feelings as a caregiver, and your knowledge of your limitations in understanding your Dad's role as the one with cancer. And Bill, I think you so very, very much for sharing some of the thoughts from 'inside your head' to give us a glimpse of what this ride is like from the seat that you're in. --edited because I was really just rambling on something terrible--

I'm so sorry. I know you're being there must have helped her so much.

Me too.

Me too.

The Beach Boys. I was five and I only woke up to clap.

I miss you too, Cindi!!!!! Come out, come out wherever you are!

I'm so sorry you are here.... I'm just so sorry.

((((((((((Katie)))))))))))))) There's another one.

Pat--You know how I feel. You have EVERY RIGHT to be here... and we would it would be such a tremendous loss to this community if you were not. One way or another, ALL of our lives have been ravaged by LC. And that is why we all need one another. The gift of knowing you and Brian is one that I treasure and will treasure forever and always. I know us grievers serve as a harsh reality.... but I think sweeping us under the rug and asking us to deactivate when our loved-ones die would serve to cripple this community. ((((hugs)))) to you my friend. (And for the record--I'm pretty darned sure your Bri and my Mom are having a good old time on Sundays whooping it up and rooting for the Bears.)

This has the potential to be another big blow up, and as a moderator and a member that makes me really, really sad and anxious. Yes there IS a disconnect between survivors and caregivers, but there are a lot of things we can gain from one another too. I have no comment on the 'timeline' issue. And really no one can comment deffintively on that except for Katie or Rick as they call the shots here... Which is what brings me to my next point--Katie has A LOT going on right now outside of these boards. A HUGE BIG FREAKING LOT. And she does NOT have time, nor should she be expected to expend the energy to come and mediate between the grievers and the survivors or any other camps that may come out of this or any other kafoffle. What SHE NEEDS is for us to cool it for a while... to continue to support one another where we're at, timeline or no, until her life settles down to a point where she can again focus on things of less immediate importance than her family's well-being. So I guess what I'm saying is, let's tread lightly here. Let's try to keep ourselves in check. This IS sensitive for folks on all sides of the issue. And versions of the evidence of this 'disconnect' come up every once in a while. This is not new territory for most. What is important is that we are ALL a family. Those of us who have lost family members aren't here to bring you survivors down--rather we're here to cheer you on. Sometimes we post to gain our own support.... But most often, we stick around because we CARE ABOUT EVERYONE WHO IS AFFECTED BY THIS EVIL DISEASE. We have a common enemy here, and it's not one another. It's Lung Cancer. So.... Let's tread lightly, be gentle with one another and ourselves, and do our best to hold down the fort and give Katie and Rick some space to be human and to get through this latest huge bump in their own journey. With love and respect for everyone, Val

I agree--ok is not important now. Right now, just focus on breathing and doing what may be in front of you to do.... and don't sweat it if THAT is too difficult. We all second guess ourselves. My Dad was sleeping in my Mom's room when she left us.... I have wished so hard that I had decided to sit up with her--wished it a million times... but I know she knew we were with her even if no one was holding her hand. Be gentle with yourself. You loved your Mom through her illness so well. She was wrapped in your love when she left. ((((((hugs)))))) Val

Oh Tina.... Just sending so many prayers for you and your Mom, and a huge big (((((((hug))))))))

Don--you have my prayers and my support.

Oh Tina.... I am so sad and angry for you... I pray that this is just a scare and NOT LC. (((((hugs)))))) to you.

I'm so very, very sorry.