Treebywater

I am so sorry that your lost your Mama. Just so sorry. This has been such a terrible journey for you all. Peaceful is normal. I felt peaceful--I could feel my Mom laughing for the first few days, and it just made me want to smile too. I knew she was ok, and out of pain and having good days again. The hard stuff that hurt came later. Maybe this peace you feel is your Mama saying, "I'm ok." As for the funeral--you'll work it through together and the funeral directors WILL help you--As someone said, feel free to say "NO" to some of the things that may be there to make them money, but I pray that you will have a compassionate director who will walk you through this so it's as gentle as possible. So many prayers as you start your journey with grief. We're here anytime you need support.

Trish and Jeff I am so pumped for you!!!! Congratulations on two years and on a day of NORMAL!

Michele--It took me a long time to even have time to feel the pain. Like you I had a lot going on right after Mom died.... I think that can.... take you away from the ability to process what happened. My had been out to sea and back and out and back up until Mom died. He then deployed for 6 months a month after. I had been splitting time between WA and IL and our apartment was in storage..... So life quickly became just about surviving the deployment and surviving without Mom and surviving the feelings of living in a house with my Dad who was already dating. It wasn't until my husband came home, and... a few other people that we loved had passed away and we had been able to be friends to them in that process (Some better than others), that the feeling really started to come. And then for a month or two it came, and came and came.... And now it's back to waves of remembering. Where.... I go about my day and I (yes I still do this) reach for the phone to tell Mom something. Or I think of a recipe I need her help on and don't realize until my brain has gone through the process of, "Get it from Mom" before I realize she's dead. Or I look at her picture and think it represents a living person instead of being one of my visual links to what I used to have. I still haven't felt it all. I AM still grieving. And I still don't believe it 18 months later a good portion of the time. Like you the thing that hurts the most for me isn't that I've gotten through 18 months without seeing my Mom.... It's that I have from now until the end of my own life to see my Mom again. THAT is what gets me. (You posted to me once that you are a comiserator--see... I am too). I don't mean to talk about ME. But what I am saying is.... It takes a long time. When I hit the six month mark a year ago, I thought I'd really been at the grieving game a while, and that I should have made some process. At 18 months my feeling is that six months was still the very beginning.... and 18 months.... well I don't know what stage it REALLY is for me at least. I get the disconnect and how disturbing it is and how nonsensical it seems and how it can kick you in the gut at all the wrong times. And all I can say to encourage you is be gentle with yourself. I think grief is a life-long process. I think we learn to function in it.... I am sure that when Carolyn starts driving, I will reach for the phone to call my Mom.... and remember again that I'm still a griever. Maybe that meant something. Maybe it didn't. Anyway.... That's what I Watned tosay when I first read this.

I am just so sorry..... My heart just hurts at this news.

Michele--I want to give you a good thought-out response.... Mostly I want to say--so many days it's still not real to ME yet and we're almost 18 months out.... I will try to get back to this thread, but if I don't make it.... Know you are normal. Know that it hurts and you function and somehow that is weird.... And know that so many of us here understand all of that, and have walked similar steps. (((((hugs)))) to you.

I'm so sorry... It is so hard when it happens faster than you expect. Your post makes me remember my last week with my Mama.... As hard and terrible and hurtful as they all may be... let part of you treasure the moments you spend with your Mom. It is both terrible and beautiful.... Just... hurting with you and praying for your Mom's peace and yours. Val

((((Kasey))))

YEEEEEAH!!!!! And don't you dare feel guilty, Kas. You LIVE and live it up. That's all anyone can ask of you. Love you and I am SO HAPPY to hear this news. Val

((((((Kim)))))))

Mom was on fentanyl for quite sometime way before hospice was called in. They monitored it very closely to be sure she was getting enough to hit the pain, but not cause any problems. Respiratory depression should NOT happen if a person is monitored closely. It is my understanding that as long as the dosage is appropriate for the pain--not over or under--the medicine is metabolized by the body in such a way that it treats the pain, but does not cause other effects. Keep in close contact with docs and hopefully all will be fine. And respiritory depression and fatal doses do not always happen with folks on morphine, and I haven't heard about it with fentanyl. It's all about finding the individual's 'magic number' to keep pain at bay. Prayers for you all.

(((((Sarah))))) Keep coming here and talking anytime you need. None of us have been in your shoes... but still somehow we get it. We care and we're here.

Lori-- I so get it. I so get how the feelings change and you just want your Mama to hold you. I am not your Mama, but here is a huge hug: ((((((((Lori))))))))) Here anytime you need to chat--and you can still call anytime too!

Alright!!

(((((Cheryl)))) I just ache for you. Please know that we care and we're praying.

Congrats, lady!!!!! I'm so excited for you!

I am just so very sorry.

It's actually NOT the same with everyone. Different organizations have different rules and interpret the 'measures for comfort only' idea a little bit differently. The hospice we were with wouldn't have revoked us for going to the ER. They might not have looked at it as a wise move on our part, but they wouldn't have kicked us out. Is your loved one on Hospice? Call one of the nurses and ask them to help you sort it all out. If you aren't there yet, do shop around before deciding. You may be able to find an organization taht will allow you to still be somewhat proactive with life-extending measures while still offering the support and care of the hospice philosophy.

So lately.... I acknowledge that I am still grieving, and then I acknowledge that that feels 'normal.' I don't feel *done* with it. The waves still hit.... but they don't take me by suprise even when they do knock me off of my feet again. Life has changed so much in the 17 months since we lost Mom. Last year at this time, I remember standing at her grave just reeling going, "I never thought my life would look like this right now." I still feel that way, but it doesn't shock me. I don't reel. It just is. I get angry sometimes that 'old normal' things get so mucked up with the 'new normal' things. Lying on the ultrasound table the other day, finding out that this baby is going to be a girl too... Calling Daddy and his typically sedate reaction to "It's a Girl" being "ok..." In the 'old normal' that day would have just been joy and excitement and bubbliness, and sharing the news with everyone. In the new normal all that was over-shadowed by the fact that all I wanted was to tell my Mom. It's frustrating. There is a date for Dad's wedding.... And I'm the matron of honor. I'm so excited about it, but it's still certainly nothing I saw coming two years ago. People ask me how I feel about it all and I don't know what to say anymore. I think the best answer is, "It feels normal." It was the stuff before that I had the feelings about. Now I am happy. I have mixed feelings that I'm used to. I can acknowledge the fact that Dad and his fiancee have been very gracious about it all, and have made space for my feelings--or at least not tresspassed into too many areas that would make them worse--and I can accept it for what is now. It's the new normal. I am still so comforted by what my husband says--That it doesn't get easier, it just gets different. I don't think I could be ok with the idea of missing my Mom ever being 'easier.' But I can be ok with these feelings of 'normal.' So I go on, and my anxieties once again have more to do with husband's deployments and worries about Carolyn's colds and flus being something to be concerned about, and less about cancer. My brain is less consumed with the pain of missing Mom even though the pain is always there, and I work with this 'new normal.' I never really wanted it.... but as we say here, "It is what it is." So.... it's my job to live it and find the joy in it. I'm doing my best.

((((Holly))))) Thinking of you and your beautiful daughter. You made it through the first year without her. I know she is so very proud of you and so in love with her little grand-daughter.

((((Nick)))) I'm angry with you and for you.... I so wish she could have been here to hold that baby in her arms.

I'll take a root beer float, heavy on the ice cream. I'm so glad you two girls (Kasey and Cindi) are both back in action!

((((Kelly)))) Praying for you all. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. You are doing such a good job of caring for her and being there and still making the rest of life work.

Awesome, Fred!!!! So glad to read this!

Girl. Ultrasound was today. Looks like Carolyn will have a little sister.

Pat... I know the day of another really hard "1st" is coming, and I want you to know I'll have you close at heart that day, and do now. And I also want you to know that I will always, always remember Brian--even though I never had the pleasure of meeting him. Love you, Val