Treebywater

Me too. In fact, I've seriously contemplated designing my own cards that say things like, "Grief sucks." and "When you're tired of eating those billion casseroles and need a shoulder to cry on, I'll take you to Applebees." ot just, "I'm here." But the other thing I learned from losing Mom is that something.... even the most terrible sympathy cards... was better than nothing. ((((hugs)))) to you.

Jen--No apologies needed... It's anxiety at it's finest. It's what you feel and you can't just change your feelings. But stay positive. Just think... Somewhere down the line, there will be someone in the shoes you're in today--coming up on these milestones worrying about reoccurences and YOU are going to be the one that says, "You know... I worried the same way. I did. I get it. And my Dad is still going." (((((hugs))))) to you.

Not just you...... I've noticed too. And it really sucks. Not that I am not just delighted to be able to get acquainted with all of you! Just that, you have to have reason to be here.

I am so very, very sorry. Please know that we are still here to support you.

((((((Frank)))))) We're all just having the biggest pep rally for you. Complete with donuts.

All of the decisions and little and big happenings that you want to hear her spin on... It's so hard. I'm trying to find a dress for Dad's wedding.... And I am having a terrible time. I'll be really pregnant. I have a difficult size, and it's certainly not a maternity-friendly color that I need... And I keep thinking--Mom would help me find the dress. And then thinking, "If mom was here, I wouldn't have to." It is definitely just this gaping hole that nothing can really fill... ((((((hugs))))))) to you.

Grace--I haven't stopped praying, and I won't.... I'm so sorry you guys are in this situation. So many, many (((((hugs))))) for you.

Oh Grace.... I'm just nearly in tears reading this. Know that I AM praying for Carlton. And for you. And for those girls.... Just wish I could do something more.... But I'm here in the internet world, like the rest of the board, reaching out and holding your hand. Val

Christy--This is awesome! Just awesome! You keep going, woman! You ARE making a difference!

LOVE IT!

(((((Kelly)))))) 24 months is a long time to fight. And while that is a huge blessing, it's also very wearisome for you all. It's so hard to see people we love struggling so hard.... this disease is so evil. Praying so hard for all of you. Tell your Mama that everytime I see a "twinkie" (you know--from the expiration date comment, since they enver expire), I smile and think of her.

Sometimes life just sucks, and there isn't a reason for it. It is ok for bad things to be bad. Spin-doctoring is for politicians. Miracles are everywhere. Ice Cream is a food group.

(((((Frank))))) I just wish I could reach across the country and hug you.

Kim and crystleshoe, I'm going to tell you, I'm 18 months out and I'm just NOW understanding that it's ok not to rush the feelings. At every little milestone I kept looking and going, "It isn't easier. Why isn't it easier?" And I really put a lot of pressure on myself over it sometimes.... It doesn't get easier for a long time. And still, I have days when it could have been yesterday... when the tears flow and the hurt is so raw I can't even breathe. And I also have so many what-if questions. A lot of us do, because.... there are a lot of weird If factors at the end of life. I still haven't come to a place of peace about everything I did at the end of Mom's life... but I've stopped listening to the haunting thoughts as much. You know my Daddy wanted to take the route of giving her as little pain meds as possible.... and I wanted for her not to be in pain. And it was really hard in the days and weeks after her death for me not to feel that Dad felt that I had overdosed her. I mean.... that's pretty mentally crippling..... I know how suffocating those thoughts are. What is a little bit comforting, I guess, is that it seems to be par for the course.... so many people seem to have the same qustions. We all wonder if we gave too much or not enough or if this call or that lengthened life, prolonged pain, or shortened the timeframe. Be gentle with yourself. And know that all of us did the best that we could with the information that we had at the time. And know that I know your Mom's relished in the care that you gave them. That they took comfort in your nurturing them and comforting them. My Mom would say, "You done good, Val." I think your Moms would too. love, Val

Mom has been gone 18 months now.... and it still gets me. And I still hear it. I'm actually composing a blog post in my head about it right now because of an experience I had at church yesterday. A woman in our congregation--a 49 year old woman with two teenage sons, passed away this week from this awful, mean disease. And I didn't know her, but I was devestated... Because I just am now when I hear of it happening to anyone. So I go to Bible Study yesterday and because Pastor had the funeral to do afterwards, there were some questions about the services. Someone asked what kind of cancer she had--because I pay attention to these things now, I said it was Lung Cancer. And then they said it--Does anyone know if she smoked? I did my best to do some education about the prevalence rising in non-smokers. That everyone is at risk. But I always feel like I do an inadequate job. The funny thing was, for the Bible Study we were studying the book of Job. Don't know who may be familiar with that, but basically it's a story about a man who goes through immeasurable suffering, and all of his friends gather around him to provide 'comfort' read 'answers' to why this is happening to him. And they all conclude it must be because he has sinned. This is refuted in the book and the friends are even rebuked in the end for taking the position they did. In the beginning of the book there is a verse that says, "They separate themselves because they are afraid." And I sat in that study yesterday marvelling at how nothing had changed.... This book was possibly written in 'prehistory' and passed down until it was finally put into the canon. And STILL we make sense of suffering the same way, "It must have been something he's done." It happened that very morning before we began our study... but that was lost on most people there. I tried several times to say that... but never found the space to voice it, and I wondered if maybe I just wasn't supposed to. Maybe it was just MY lesson yesterday. But still--what irony, eh?

Amen.

I think the reason that they captured it all so beautifully was that.... the writer for those two episodes used HER story. George's Dad's journey was her Dad's journey. So rather than being a story written to be 'dramatic,' it was real heartbreak, that we know all too well. And that *she* knew all too well. I'm still thinking on it all. I said things when I watched it that I wouldn't let myself say when I walked through it with Mom. And I cried in ways I rarely let myself cry. Watching it was a really good thing for me. Anyway--I thought you guys might like to know that it was a 'real story.'

Becky--I mean this not tritely. You are one of my heroes. And you're also someone I think of when I need no-nonsense, but still comforting advice or words. Yay for 4000.

Oh Tina.... THANK GOD!!!!! I am so glad to hear this....

I know I'm an idiot for even watching it... I've lived enough medical drama. But... This last week's episode... one of the main characters loses his father. And there is this dialogue between the character who loses his Dad, and another who had lost her father previously.... "I don't know how to exist in a world where my Dad doesn't." Friend says back: "That doesn't ever really change." And God.... doesn't that just say it all?

((((((Sarah)))))) It is so hard to get through the "If onlies." But I KNOW your Mom knew your heart and I also know you did a tremendous job of loving her through her illness.

You wish her a great big wonderful happy birthday from me, and give her hugs from all of her LCSC extended family.

Great news indeed!

Praying for you guys.... I hope it turns out to be something easy and nothing scary. And happy birthday Baby Chloe!

I'm so sorry.