Mskim

haha, yes Nick, I have been accused not of smoking, but definitely drinking... oh wait, maybe I WAS drinking I find myself sneaking away for a cry lately, the year is over and it is the common thought that I should be over it, when really it is now little things that sneak up on me. I was at a greenhouse that mom & I loved and I was standing there realizing I really can't go here anymore, it hurt too much. My friend caught up with me and asked if I was sick from the heat. I guess I was a little green and tearful.

Your post made me cry. As per ussual, i could have written it. The long hallway, I have even dreamt of it. One person said, if I don't have my grief what will I have? The farther away the day gets that our mothers deid, the more thrust into aloneness we feel. The realization that it really is only us, now perved on top of the family tree. I even have memories now that I say in my head, was that before mom died or after? Did I tell her that or was she gone already? Did she ever see the kids do that or wear that or hear them say that? My kids,were then 3 and 4 and 8... can it be that they have already had not just one but 2 bithdays? Chloe will be 5 July 11. Will they remember her, the way she was, or will they remember her sick and sometimes crabby and scary? I think they (the youngers)will only rememeber hte idea of her, and the pictures that I show them and the stories that I tell will hopefully help. Anyway, it is normal but that doens't help does it? If only we could walk back down that hallway and open the right door.

Im so sorry... it is too much.

I have tried to explain this to my husband. I know he is tired of it. Can I just be allowed to be here? Am i really hurting anyone? I am not mistreating anyone or burning dinner anymore. I could go on. I love the quote, thank you.

I am feeling sorry for myself.... my birthday is on Fathers day this year. My dad died almost 4 years ago, on a motorcycle. I think it is hitting me hard right now because my mom who had been gone for more than a year now, made such a big deal of my birthday, she made things magic for me and made me feel like I was still a kid, someone's kid. Now I feel like I don't belong to anyone. I have been through enough father's days now that they don't bring me to my knees, but now without my mom to make it better it just sucks. SO now no mom, no dad, no grandparents. I am 36 and on the top of the family tree. I no longer see my step dad, I just can't get past the hurt over the last year. I am going to church on Sunday then I am pulling a blanket up over my nose and read a good book and snooze the rest of the day away. But for all of you who are Mother's who lost your childrens father, happy Fathers day to you, as a single parent, now you have to be everything to your babies and I can only imagine the enormity and sadness in that. For all of you that are Father's, I hope you have a wonderful day and your children shower you with love, and for all of you who still have your Fathers... I hope you give them some extra love and hold them a little closer.

I have been looking for good news... that is awesome Debra, HUgs to you!

((((Missy)))) I started to go on and on, but really I don't have advice. I just want to say I know what you mean and I don't post much on the other boards for much of the same reason. Someday I hope to have more to offer.

very nice, thank you!

(((((((((((((Lori)))))))))))))))) Are you living in my heart or my head or both?

It sounds as if you have had a rough go of it. I am sorry for your troubles. Hopefully letting it out here on the grieving board has made you feel better, and you can concentrate on your treatment and healing. Prayers for you and your family.

I am so sorry this part has come to a close, you and your family are in my prayers.

I am so sorry, You and your family are in my prayers. I lost my Dad in a motorcycle accident 3 1/2 years ago and my mom just a year ago. So many here know your pain, I hoe you stick with us and talk about your angels.

My mom was diagnosed right during Memorial Day also. I cannot believe 2 years are gone and her with it. I hope that in a year I can say the things that you have, and mean it. You are an inspiration and an encouragement when we feel like we will never get through. I am sure your husband is watching you with his heart swollen with pride.

She is beautiful and perfect. Congratulations!

I was just talking about Fridays, back when Hunter was a baby and Mom & I would go garage saling. She would hop out, scan the sale, see if it was worth getting the baby out of the car seat or not. We had a system, when it came time to change his diaper, she would hold him up, I would take off his pants, diaper, then bag and re diaper and pull his pants back on while she had him suspended by the arm pits by the side of the road. I am sure people thought we were nuts. Then (even before Hunter could eat solid food) we would go to McDonalds and get Happy Meals for ourselves. After she died I found 2 big paper grocery bags STUFFED with Happy Meal toys. I am talking HUNDREDS, still in the bags. I am guessing about 10 years worth.

I waxed poetic and my kids somehow closed the window when I stepped away but... Congratualtions! Abbie is a beautiful name. I wish your mom was with you too. My heart has the hole and aches with yours. I remember Cam & Chloe were pretty close in age, 17 months apart. Cam would NOT sleep. I would lay on his floor wrapped in a blanket with a pillow and Chloe latched onto me, and Cam playing on the floor. I was so exhausted, and I remember calling my mom as soon as I could, praying that she would be awake and not in the shower... here I go again... Hugs and Prayers for you Val.

I cry out to my mom the same... I ache with you. I cannot say that this will ever go away, but it will not be like this forever. I send you hugs and prayers, and Like Nick, I beleive our moms are in the most beautiful place, watching and waiting.

(((HUGS))) I know just how you feel. I think I pulled the covers up over my nose and cried most of the day away when I just went through Moms bday and her death anniversary then mothers day on top of it. I hope you can conjure up some sweet memories to get you through.

I am so glad I don't always have to put into words every little thing because you all do it, becsause you feel the same.

I'm so sorry, you and your family are in my prayers.

It is definitely not an elite club.... the I HATE LUNG CANCER CLUB... it is so far reaching, and there is so much to be angry about and it all comes down to two evil words, LUNG CANCER. It is just not fair. I will keep your family in my prayers.

((((Heather)))) I can't imagine.

Maybe mothers day would be a good one, that we could all hang out together. Maybe we could get some smiles though the tears.

Every 15 minutes, a beautiful mothers day commercial, particularly the JC PENNEYS one that shows a mom watching her daughter grow, then culminates in the grandmother looking at the next two generations, with a caption that says 'you've come full circle'...rips my heart to shreds. Why do these hurt so much? It is just a commercial... I am takng a break from TV until next monday, maybe the paper too. I know someday it will be about me and my kids, and I will come full circle, but at 36 I am not ready.

Take your time, nobody said you have to do it all now. I was forced to clean my moms closets out and it was too soon, it was too hard and set me back. I will pray for you and I have to tell you, I am glad you are in your dad's house. I hope you find some peace there. ((((((Hugs))))