Mskim

I have moms phone, her glasses, every little thing that made her who she was. I have the messages, I listen to them, her voice cracks and she sounds like a child in some. I long for the phone to ring and see her on my caller ID... I know everything you are saying. My heart is broken along with yours.

((((Melinda)))) I could have written your words myself, down to going out to the camper and her talking to her mom & dad who have beengone for a very long time.... once again and still my heart aches, I get everything you are saying. I jsut dream of talking to her one more time.

((((((((((Grace))))))))))))) I am learning more about mom as time goes on too... I get it and my heart hurts with yours.

(((NICK))) I was thinking this morning, of her puttering around her house, lighting candles, stoking a fire, knitting on the couch, waiting for me to come once the kids were dropped off at school. I would call her and tell her I was on my way.... "MOM.. you have to get up and unlock the door, I love you"... Wednesdays we stayed in together, my friend would pick the kids up from pre school and keep them for the whole day so we would just sit and talk or snuggle or snooze. She would tell me mostly about when she was young. I think she dreamed her heaven would be back on the farm with her mom and dad and she would be 13 and carefree again, instead of 57 with the weight of the world on her shoulders. Oh what I would give for another Wednesday next to her. I was at church this weekend and a mom daughter and granddaughter were all together and the little girl crawled into her grammas lap and whispered "gramma I love you". I had to get up and leave. Holy Smokes I ramble don't I?

I have kind of been busy with the kids and their school and such... we took them to Disneyland at the end of February. It broke my heart being there, thinking if mom had won, or at least was still fighting, she would be there with us, like so many others, tagging along, watching the joy in her grandchildrens eyes, and giving us a hand. I feel so selfish to say this, but I talk to my girlfriends whos' mom has their kids over for sleepovers or Sunday dinner and I am jealous. Every day, as you all know, hurts and is hard, but it is getting a little better. My step dad has continued his move forward and lives with his fiance in an apartment while her house is being remodeled (do I need to add that my moms life insurance is making their life together very luxurious?) Once the house is gone (up for sale APril 1st) it will be over as far as he is concerned. I am not sure I can continue on, it just hurts me too much. I am so sorry to see that Frank lost his battle, I always just assumed he would win and it hurts my heart every time I read that another has lost their battle with this awful disease. It was nice to read about Don and see most everyone agree, that we get more used to this new normal as time moves on and slowly some little joys in life return, though the pain is still there just under the surface, as Val says, to be brought out by a greeting card... I cry over them all too, Val. Even when I buy them, I glance over a the cards meant to give to your mom, sometimes I even pick them up and read them, it hurts, I cry, I often have to leave before I can find the card I need. She mailed cards to us for everything, Valentines, Easter, St PATs even.. she was only a mile away but she always mailed them to me and the kids. By the way, I am guessing you have a new baby by now? I pray and think of you all often, the month of April is soon upon me and although I wish I could just skip it, I will probably wallow in it instead. Oh I miss her so much my heart sinks and the inside of my nose burns and I choke it back and go try to find some of that joy I was talking about. Like Lori said, I DO WANT to feel better, some days it is just hard to get through without it consuming me. Love and Prayers to everyone!

The club... the dead dad club, the dead mom club... I cried and cried and cried.

I am so sorry. You and your family are in my prayers.

I don't know how to say this without sounding rude, but my profile is a badge to me, it says I have been to the war with my Beautiful Mom, and we didn't win. She tried to fight and I tried to help her and here is our story. It is what it is. As we all know in the grieving threads, death is a very real aspect of Lung Cancer. I think it is a valuable tool to help us realte to each other and I wouldn't change it. A profile says who we are and I am who I am because of my mom.

I'm so sorry.

You are amazing, as I sit here crying....

I am so sorry. Hang on!

Not only was I miserable and heartbroken, I ruined it for everyone else too. God forgive me for being so selfish.

I am so sorry.

I am so so sorry, my broken heart just took another dip. God bless you and your family.

Although I am no longer afraid of my mortality, it certainly is in the front corner of my mind along with everyone elses. I always thought we were invincible, that my life was charmed and then one day I got the call that my dad... also invincible, was killed and as soon as I caught my breath from that, mom was dignosed... I think I always will be expecting the next tragic news, always waiting for the next bomb to drop. When I had my CT scan for the nodules on my lungs I had my course of treament and my funeral planned and I am 36. My dad died at 56 and mom at 58... I think on some days it would be a blessing to go before them and others a blessing to live long past them. When my mom was diagnosed I turned to God, who has literally saved me from myself. I no longer am fearful of death itself, just have alot of anxiety of the pain it causes who is left behind.

Val... I am so happy you are not in agony over this. You have some such a long way from where I am now and I hope that in a year I will be able to see this through your eyes. I still haven't been able to meet my step dads fiance, but the day is drawing near. Your mom would be so so so proud of you. Hugs!!!!!

My mom had 10 doses of WBR. Aside from the obvious head burns and hair loss, she suffered from severe short term memory loss, confusion, irrtatability, deoression, personality change and fatigue. Her side effects were extreme in my opinion, and exacerbated I am sure by decadron whch she did not tolerate well. I know WBR has its place but I wish mom was given other options. In Spokane, where we live, 5 tumors were the cutoff for Gamma knife. She had 6.

I am so so sorry, with tears on my face and aching in my heart... Prayers for you and your family.

I am so glad you are going... I truly pray you have a wonderful time, I know it will be hard but you will cherish every moment.

Debra... Ditto on the xanax and ambien. I don't have cancer and I need them sometimes still. Hugs

I'm so sorry.

I am going through the same thing. Get a tote and keep it. It won't take up that much room

was like a second funeral and I am too tired to tell you how awful I feel. Just wanted to type it out loud. Hugs...

((((((((STARRY))))))))) Praying for a good PET... I m sorry you have to wait all weekend. Love Kim

(((((((((((((((LORI))))))))))))))))))) Had a lil glass of pinot and toasted (prayed really) to all of us here.