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(((((((((((((((((Grace))))))))))))))))))) I would feel awful too, it is not just a cell phone, it is one more thing to mourn. I'm sorry, I pray it comes back to you.

I cant seem to get through any of the posts today without crying. I want to say something to everyone but always start to write about me. I am telling myself it is not that I am being selfish but that we all have so much in common that we could write each others posts. I still feel selfsih, and my step fathers words at moms graveside service in November ring out, he said we were self pitying (my brother and I). I thought that after the year was up that I would feel a little lighter but today, I guess, is just a bad day. I am feeling so lost without my mom. Surely tomorrow will be better, although it is my step fathers wedding day. At least he waited a year for that part. How do I stop wallowing? I know I am in control here, I am responsible for picking myself up and putting on the happy face but I just can't do it. Maybe I need a kick in the a$$...lol.

Well Val, you know that I could rant, I could rave and I could cry for this one. Maybe because I am only one year out or maybe because Chip MY MOMS HUSBAND, is remarrying TOMORROW to Miss Sue who I have only had 4 conversations with, I would name her something else, not out of punishment or to make anyone uncomfortable but because the names do mean something to me. If Chip and I ever reconcile (we are not speaking now) my kids will call her Miss Sue or Sue. Yours are younger and may naturally go to Gramma, I know that my Chloe who is 4 (being a girl and the youngest) would probably do that because anyone with a tube of lipstick can win her over and she believes that any older woman can be a gramma to her, she is just so young. I do want to say good luck!! It sounds like the day is drawing near for the new baby to arrive and I am so thrilled for you and I pray everything goes perfect, including your Dad's visit.

Happy Birthday in Heaven Frank...

((((Randy))) Im so sorry. My moms 'walley dog' passed just a couple of weeks after her. It seems he just couldn't fight anymore either.

((((((((((((((Grace)))))))))))))))) Such a perfect name for you. I know exactly what you mean about your sisters fabulous trip. WHen others are living and loving life it is hard to take a look at what we are going through and be grateful or happy about anything. It is like it puts a silent exclamation point on the end of the staement I HURT AND I AM LOST but the rest of the world keeps moving. I pray for you and your girls.

I find myself thinking of every moment one year ago leading up to her death and I almost can feel anxiety as if it hasn't happened yet but I know it's going to. One year ago on Tuesday the 25th, my step dad called from the ER at 5 am. She couldn't breathe so he called an ambulance. I remember making a list of things she wanted for her hospital stay... slippers, knitting... I still have the knitting. It was a red throw blanket for me. (I still pull it out and smell it.) I didn't ever bring those things for her because after we signed her DNR, we had her brought home. We didn't talk alot after I got her all tucked in. She told me she was proud of me and the way my life turned out. She talked about morals, some she gave me and a few of my own. I think she was trying to say, she was proud that I waited to have kids and my marriage was strong, which was always the thing she wanted me to do differently than she did. She spoke in a whisper that I can still hear. That night she woke at midnight, unable to breath. We gave her a nebulizer treatment with morphine on top of her morphine pump so she slept. The next morning (Wednesday) was filled with visitors. By about 11 she was done and wanted no more. At 1 Hospice came and my husband picked up her 'comfort kit' from the pharmacy. My step dad instructed us to say goodbye and leave her alone, that she wanted to be alone. I did say goodbye, I can't remember it though. I went to the spare bedroom and fell to my knees and screamed into a pillow. I layed on the floor an wept. He gave her ativan and more morphine and she slept. We were allowed to look in but not enter. At 6 10 my brother and I stood in her doorway holding hands. We wanted to be with her but were not allowed. We stepped away for a minute and then went back and she was gone. I lay in bed with her for a long time after, not able to think of the Lords Prayer. My Aunt said the goodnight prayers instead... Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep,If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my sould to take. I would give anything to get back those few weeks leading up to that so I could do more for her, tell her more, and love her more. I feel very alone and incomplete and heartbroken and lost, just like I did the day she left. I love you so much mom, with all my heart. I pray that you can see me and know I have done nothing but honor you and hold your memory close and continue to love you, and try to learn from you. http://www.spokesmanreview.com/class/notices/?ID=415288

((((((Nancy))))))

I think you have all written from My heart. Chip is putting the house up for sale and I pray it doesn't go before the rhodedendrons and peonies and lilacs all bloom. I just want to see them one more time. So much like you, my mom loved Easter and made it wonderful for the kids. It was such a big deal and the whole day was planned around her. Last year, my mom also sat wrapped in a blanket, in PJ's instead of dressed up, with no hair, watching the kids with tears in her eyes. Oh how the pain rises up when I write it out. I can't do anymore

This is a sad sad day. I am so sorry. Hugs and prayers for you and your family.

I'm so sorry, I know I am not the only one writing here today with tears rolling down my cheeks. I know things were very difficult as of late. I have and will keep praying for you and your family.

I can't say anything that hasn't been said. Lung cancer just keeps taking. Prayers for you, your husband and your precious children...

(((((((Amanda))))))) You and you dad are in my prayers. I am so sorry.

I feel the same, one moment I am smiling toward the sun, then I am suddenly on my knees. Hugs for you...

((((Laurey)))I am so sorry... I wish I had magic words. I try to imagine what it would be like and it is too huge to wrap my brain around, parenting alone while you and your girls are so steeped in grief. 4 months is like yesterday. I have a dear friend who has 2 young boys and her husband died suddenly (3 1/2 years ago) and they are still having a rough time but things are slowly getting better. She said the first year it was difficult to even put her feet on the floor in the morning, but she did for those boys and I bet you do it for your girls. I pray for your family, and for your broken heart.

I don't know what to say, for some reason this one really bowled me over (I never think my grief is harder or anything I think that there are so many here that are in their late 20's to late 30's with young kids). My Dad left when I was (32 and he was 56) finally realizing the gifts he had to offer instead of dwelling on what he never did as a part time dad, I feel like my mom left (I am 36 she was 58 ) just when things were getting good, and I can't talk to either one about it. I feel very alone, My kids have been cheated out of a 'normal, happy' childhood because I have been so steeped in grief for the last 3 1/2 years, first with dad, then moms diagnosis and her death... I read motherless daughters too, it had a lot about younger women, but I would be interested in something more geared to 30 somethings and maybe, losing both parents.

I can't imagine the trauma you endured and I pray for you and your broken heart.

Thanks Everyone... clearly I am having some issues BUT I have to say this... I literally laughed until my sides hurt at Welthy's response and I hope you all did too.... Thank you, there are days when B*&CH Slapping is precisely what I would like to do... that little red guy in my shoulder again. Good thing I have some semblance of manners! Though it is an awful & horrendous thing that brings us together, I am so grateful you are all here.

(((((((hugs))))))) I know what you mean... ALL of it. There is something profound about being a motherless daughter at any age. I had moms ashes for a few months before I decided to get her a place in a cemetary. I sometimes wish she was on my mantle still but I go and sit and put flowers on her grave and at home I have a little tribute to her with a candle, picture and few of her things. I am sure people think its a wierd little shrine but who cares. I light the candle every day and let it burn a little. It took me awhile to even pick this book up but it may be helpful- it is called Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss There is a whole Organization and Forum dedicated to Motherless Daughters (just do a simple web search)

That just what I was goign to say... go snuggle with your baby... I am praying for you tonight, and all the others hurting. ((((shauna))))

((((((DON))))))) and happy birthday to Lucie in Heaven. I am so glad that you spent her day surrounded by family and that you were able to smile... Hugs to you Don, you are such a positive force.

(((((SONIA))))

I know what you mean, not only so I remember everyhting, I have keepsakes to remind me just in case I ever do forget... see that bright sweatshirt and hat in the picture down below.. I have that along with the stepping stone. I was at a rest stop the other day on the way back from Seattle and I know you all won't remember this but the weekend before she died we went to Seattle, stopped at that rest stop on the way, I changed her oxygen tank and gave her 2 oxy's... that I was giving her every hour on the way home. I remmebered the smell inthe air, the spot we stopped and the feeling when I was in the car, part control part panic.. I even have the glass she drank from because she couldn't sip from a can. I remember EVERYTHING... then I forgot to pick up my son from kindergarden today.

I am taking a moment to be scarcastic and bitter... Since the rest of the world seems to have moved on and could care less and the one year anniversary of EVERYTHING ugly is coming out of me... There are so many things that people say even now that still strike me, I know I am being oversensitive and people are just trying to be helpful but that ugly little red guy on one of my shoulders keeps whispering in my ear... things people say She is in a better place... well be that as it may, my couch was not so bad. SHe is no longer in pain.... well I know that but the oxycontin and morphine worked pretty good most of the time. Remember, she is always with you... I try to know that in my heart but most of the time I feel empty and alone and feel that she is not with me, she is off in that better place remember? You have your kids to think about... well yes yes I do, but they are seperate from my mom. They may eat doritos for breakfast now and then and can see that I am very human and cry when I need to, but I take good care of them, I haven't given up on life, I am just having hard time living it as if she were still here. This one I love.... Eventually we all lose our parents... well my mom was 58 and whether she was 48 or 98 my mom is gone, and unless you have lost your mom too, please don't say 'we all have to go through it sooner or later'. in regards to my stepfather and his new wonderful life with his new wonderful wife... It is nice that the has found happiness... Yes Yes he has indeed, a new wife, a new car for his new wife, a new house, heck he even has a new son and grandchildren who actually stay the weekend with them!!! He is so lucky!!! That windfall life insurance he recieved sure has made his life better! He even told me his new wife doesn't have to take her teeth out at night... OH BOY I am so happy for him!!!!!

It is funny how the words strike us... even when I talk about my dad who died in a motorcycle accident that was at someone elses neglaegence I make it a point to say he was killed... My dad was actually the one who pointed out to me 'lost' and that he knew exactly where his dad was when someone uttered those condolences. It was funny to me then, but now I know what you mean. People mean well. Hugs and Prayers for you!