gail

I hear you sweetie, and wish I was there to hold your hand. I would want you to tell me all about Chris, how you met, and all the neat things you two did. Share your grief with us, and tell us more about your beloved.

Continue to keep those memories close to your heart. My best to your family. Your mother was a great sense of support for all of us too.

May his light continue to shine in you and your family.

Sending hugs and hugs, and hugs.

They are nasty evil objects that should be forever banned.

GOOD GOOD GOOD

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

My reading for today: God seldom takes us by the scruff of the neck and pulls us to our next destination. God provides the opportunities; it's up to us to seize them. God talks to us; it's up to us to listen. Today I'll be on the lookout for God's opportunities. Today's meditation comes from the book In God's Care by Karen Casey copyright 1991 Appropriate, as always. I just returned from a week long vacation at the glorious Jersey shore with 38 family members ranging from 75 (my parents) to 6 months (my youngest great nephew). I know! I can't be that old! We have been meeting like this since 1988. We had all 18 grandchildren together for the first time since 1999. 4 generations, and I just basked in the wonder of it all. My siblings, our kids (the 18), and their kids (now 5 in number). And, I actually thanked cancer (and my therapist ). I felt that I had different glasses on. Through the cancer, especially this last one, I learned to slow down, and enjoy. I felt like every minute a new snapshot. I really think my family was different too. Most of the time we were relaxed, and nothing seemed important, except for being together. We each take one night to cook dinner. This was the first year I let my husband be lead cook. I followed his directions, and decided not to fight him, because I've given up knowing the "right way" to do things. The rice burned, and the meal was too spicy for the kids, but the earth still rotated, and the sun still came up the next day. I just feel content. The house is a mess, I screwed up the checkbook, and my 17 year old is leaving for Europe in a week (yikes). But I'm here, we're hear, and today is all we've got. Tomorrow is not here yet. Love you guys. gail

Oh sweetie, wish I could just reach in there and give you a hug. The pain is unbearable for you, and sure, you have a lot to be angry about. My father in law was dying of lung cancer in 1988. I watched him in the hospital, almost comatose, and my god returned to me at that moment. I thought "If there is not a heaven, what point is there to this man's life?" What point would there be to any of our lives?" I watched a show years ago on people dying from cancer (HBO special). There was this wonderful old man who was dying, but had such a radiant look to his face. He said something like "I'm not afraid to die. I did die once, on the table, and saw the most beautiful sight ever. Then they brought me back. I'm ready to go to that place." It was not so much the words he said, but the look on his face. Two months after my lung cancer surgery (my third cancer), I sat down with some Bible people and had the same discussion you are having. Why? What did I do? Why cancer three times? Is God mad at me.? We opened the Bible and read selected passages. I wrote a poem that helped me to get it. I am the patient, not the caregiver. I am not in your shoes. But I will hold your hand. gail

This is a great place to be and I'm glad you found us. I was 45 at the time of my surgery, and my son was 15. He did fine, because he's been through this before. I was stage 1A, bronchvieler (sp?), or BAC. Prior to surgery I was on Buspar (anti-anxiety) and Paxil (anti-depressent), so my month before surgery was a little hazy. I had a bone scan and brain scan prior to surgery. And I lived on the drugs the entire week in the hospital. I think it was first and epidural, then morphine, then demoral. I was a happy camper and came home with percocet. Took them regularly for the first week or so, and by my 4 week check up was off them entirely. The trick for me was to take them before the pain started, and then I was able to function. Emotionally I was more of a wreck, and have stayed on the anti-depressents, and have been seeing a therapist. But that was more because it was my third cancer, and I had had enough. (duh) I recommend anything by Bernie Siegel. All of his books are on tape, and I also used several of his meditation tapes. Take your pillow to the hospital, and a cheap calling card. I used my MCI card one time in the hospital and had a $300 phone bill. gail

44 years and more to go !!! Enjoy your day together.

Ada, I will be sending you hugs and prayers all day. gail

Deb, Sorry the news wasn't good, but try to take a deep breath and let it out s-l-o-w-l-y. One foot in front of the other, only do what's next to be done. Sending prayers your way . . . gail

Shannon, there are no words. Except that you have given us all hope, strenth and courage as we face this disease. My the Lord bless you and keep you and grant you peace gail

Deb, just want to send warm fuzzies your way . . . PS Last day of school today!

Glad you are home and reasonably well. Take it slow !!! Be a baby for a week or two. And take those pain pills for now, along with a stool softner . No one told me about that problem with my mastectomy. That was the worst! I found the tingling and numbness to be interesting. I think it is the healing. I could feel the healing move across my body. I still have numbness and some soreness even two years later, but I have so much scar tissue there from surgeries . . . I was moving quite well after six weeks. After 8 I was off on adventures: The beach, San Antonio (even in the heat), and Niagra Falls. I just have to watch the heat now and hills are not always easy (thank goodness I live in South Jersey)

When I was diagnosed the third time, I was sure God hated me. I talked to several ministers who assured me it was not so. Then 6 months later 9/11 happened, and I decided God couldn't hate all those souls. Today, I will focus on asking God to show me what He wants me to do. I will ask God for the power to do that; then I will go ahead and get the job done. God, help me let go of my fears about living life one day at a time. Help me trust that when life is lived simply and in trust, a beautiful mosaic called "my life" will be woven. I am being divinely led, guided, and cared for. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Today's meditation comes from the book The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie copyright 1990

Sorry to hear about your pain. Try to keep guilt out of the equation. That will do nothing for anybody. And of course you are depressed. Cancer can be very depressing. I have been on anti-depressents since my lung cancer diagnosis over 2 years ago. But your post made me think--- When I had my first breast cancer in '93, I knew no one to talk to. And with reading your thoughts and painful feelings, I ws reminded of that time when I felt so alone. No one understood where I was. I had a few survivors call me, but nothing that I could build a relationship with. This site is so awesome that it allows us all to do this. Pour our hearts out and people listen. There will be low times, but when you are at the bottom of that roller coaster, the only way is up. Keep looking up. gail

Hello to my North Jersey Buddy !!!! Congrats on the good news. Enjoy your trip away from this grayness. I don't know about you, but this dampness is causing havoc on my lungs. It will be good for you and for all of us to do what is fun.

With my first cancer, I know I was majorly depressed, but no one mentioned it, or asked. What got me through was a survivor, who called me up often those first couple of weeks. I never even met her, but she got me through. What turned me around was Bernie Siegel's book, Love Medicine and Miracles. In reading that book, I knew I was going to be okay, no matter what happened. With the second cancer, I got all his books on tape, and also several meditation tapes. I was in the pre-op room listening to his tape. To this day, his voice always calms me. I never did well with support groups, but do much better on-line and on the phone. I am now on anti-depressents, and see a therapist who specializes in cancer. I found her through my oncologist. Any of these ideas would work well for you also. Stay in touch. gail

Shannon, Here was my reading for this morning. I , of course, was thinking of myboss, but it reminded me of what you were saying. I had a 37 year old friend with 3 young boys, in the hospital with aggressive breast cancer. The doctors in the hospital were not open to new ideas. They "suggested" hospice. I happened to be visiting when that report came in. Karen, her husband, and me. I wanted to melt in the wall. She looked at me and said "How can I give up?". I looked at her and said, "It's your party, you can do anything you want." When my father in law was dying 15 years ago, I was very angry with the family for their submissive approach. After he died, I saw Elizabeth Kugler Ross's book --Death and Dying-- (I think). I remember being stunned to read the patient has the right to call the shots. (You mean I could be wrong?) Today's thought is: Every artist dips his brush in his own soul, and paints his own nature into his pictures. -- Henry Ward Beecher Our perception of any experience, even the smallest detail of an ordinary event, is quite exceptional. No other person will share our particular vision. Frequently that results in arguments. The need to be right is a common affliction. If only we could appreciate the richness of sharing and combining our views. Because of our age, we may assume we have more wisdom than others. On occasion, we will. However, we have something to learn from all souls who cross our path, or they wouldn't be there. Understanding this is real wisdom. What a dull world this would be if we all shared the same perception of every event. There would be nothing to discuss, no opportunity to expand our minds, no reason to interact at all. Instead we are blessed with opportunities for conflict and growth, the deepening of relationships and character development, choices, and decisions. All because we each see what we see. How I see an experience today is unique but neither right nor wrong. I will remember the same holds true for all my friends, too. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Today's meditation comes from the book Timeless Wisdom by Karen Casey copyright 2001 I will send warm fuzzy wishes your way. I am off to a Relay for Life tonight.

Good for you!!! Enjoy your trip. But just curious--why the MRI?

I vote for the tylenol PM. You cannot heal if you are not rested.

So glad you have him home. Enjoy your birthday. I have recovered from many surgeries, and learned to take it easy the first week or two. Over doing it only brought discomfort for me, but I was able to live in the real world. You take care of yourself, too !!!!!

Please keep coming to us. As you can see, I am from South Jersey too. Delran, to be exact. What hospital are you going to? My email is gc508@comcast.net If you would like, I can call you. Send me your phone number if you want. gail