gail

prayers are shooting your way gail

Sending you my prayers. May you find some comfort and strength. gail

When I watched my father in law dying of lung cancer, that's when heaven hit me. If there was not an afterlife, what was the point of being here? Too many people have died and saw "the light", only to be brought back and tell about it. And they always spoke well of the experience. That said, when I woke up from my surgery, and was told it was lung cancer, I was sure that God hated me. I must have done something wrong to have cancer 3 times. I struggled with that for months, until I sat down with some very knowledgeable Bible people. They didn't give me an "aha" moment, but through it I did get an "aha" moment, and wrote the following poem: I shared it before, but cannot find the post. Forgive me if you saw it before. The doctor said it’s cancer I’ve heard those words before. That battle was already fought! Again, why must it score? I have two choices-fight or flight I choose to carry on. Yet I lie awake with restless sleep And wait for morning’s dawn. Inspiring! The people say. You really are impressive! I smile, I nod, and yet I know, I did not choose this path to live. I have some conversations With my dear and heavenly Lord. Why did this have to happen, Did You think that I was bored? “My dear,” I heard Him answer, “You say why an awful lot. My dear the answer’s easy. Instead of why you say ‘Why not?’ ” My surgery was 4/01. I returned to my teaching postion in September. I wanted no stress. I had lung cancer. I hadn't worked a full week since March, and then 9/11 happened. We are very close to Maguire AirForce Base, and actually heard the jets take off when Bush was flying to New Your that first Friday. People in the area had been killed in NYC. My kids needed me. And I realized God couldn't be mad at all those people in the WTC and on the planes. What had that little four year old who was flying to Disneyland with her mother done? Stuff happens. No one lives forever. And yes, you are very angry and hurt. I cannot imagine your pain. Sorry for rambling, but I can't reach you to hug you. gail

Hey girl!!! Hang tough!!! And take those pain pills. I call them my "happy pills". You deserve to feel good. Watch some good funny movies with your feet up. Thanks for updating us. gail

I went to collection for a $5 copay once. go figure. And John Q. Public votes on my salary (teacher) every year. gail

My zoloft and I are joined at the hip !!! I should have been on it 2 cancers ago. I was at a docotr's (not cancer related), and giving him my meds and history. He actually asked me if the aoloft was because of the cancer. DUH ! Does he have ativan or xannax (sp?). That helps on the really trying times. I was hospitalized for a week in ICU, getting blood transfusions and couldn't get out of bed. Every morning I had two tylenol (back pain), and an ativan. As soon as the ativan kicked in I was able to deal with my plight. Have you read anything by Bernie Siegel? gail

I like aggressive doctors. It is just as well to get it checked out now then worry. gail

Sweetie, been there myself. Doctors tell you you have a great prognosis, so why do I feel so crummy! That's where the zoloft helps, with an ativan chaser. I did not have chemo, but see an oncologist because of the breast cancers too. Can you make the trip for a consultation? I saw mine every 2-3 months for the first two years. They apparently are a very critical time for us. I had chemo with the breast, and chose for oncology what I call "the local yokels". I will not set foot in their office again. Keep whining and sharing-----that's why we're here. gail

Sorry for the news. Prayers going your way. Keep the chin up !!!

I think you are right on track both physically and emotionally. You remind me the summer after my surgery. I too, had a mass under the armpit of my surgery side. We all determined it was scar tissue. I made EVERYONE look at it. I couldn't even sleep on that side. Two years later, it finally has subsided. The rib pain, yes, still comes and goes. I used to tell my onc "Everything hurts, but nothing lasts for more then two days". Then pain moves to a different spot. I decided it was my inner demons tormenting me. My onc left me with two thoughts: Pain needs to be chronic and intense. Getting worse instead of better. I've had three malignacies, and yes, I do need to be aware of my body. It is a pain in the butt, but . . I'm still here. gail

Good for you Dave !!!! Chemo is an interesting experience, but one that has an end !!! I can tell that you are seizing each day and enjoying, because that is all any of us in this whole wide world have. When I have my whining session in my head, then I remember 9/11, and my whining subsides. But we are allowed to whine. Jack: I had both radiation and chemo (separate times) with the breast cancer, and I am hear to tell you that radiation was sneaky stuff. And I didn't even have internal organs affected. I called it my "nine-month-pregnant-tired". With the chemo I learned to PACE. Do a little, read a chapter in a book. Do a little more, read a little more. Energy level is not the same, but it does return. gail

Can't get through either, and I maximized my window too. Would love to see it and show my upcoming senior son. gail

Go get those cancer cells !!! I always looked at my chemo as an excuse to chill out for 2 days. Who was going to argue with me??????? gail

I've decided it is up to me to educate these types I run into. People I work with start whining, I look them in the eye and tell them "We woke up today, it's a good day". Shuts them up every time. I've also learned through the years to let them know what's going on. Sometimes I can't believe I'm talking so calmly about the CAT scan, X ray, or doctor's visit. This took me a long time (and yes, three cancers). With the last one, my husband told me if I was having treatment I would be doing much better emotionally, that I seemed to him to have done better with the 2nd cancer then the third. I look at him and said "fooled you too, didn't I?" I was a mess that time, but heaven forbid I let anyone know. It's a learning experience for everyone. gail

I read everyone's prayers and added my own. Keep your chin up. gail

I knew my friends would come through!!! Can't wait to show my husband! He thinks all we do is talk about lung cancer. HA! gail PS Leaving in 2 1/2 weeks with NO children!

All you California people !!!! We will be driving from San Diego to San Francisco for our anniversary trip. We don't have many days, but wonder what you west coast people recommend for visiting. Are there really whales out there? The Phillies will be in San Francisco on the 8th, so we may go see that too. Thanks gail

Sending hugs and worm fuzzies . . gail

I've shared this before: I would sit in the therapists office crying hysterically that I could die from the cancer. In the next breath I would admit that I could also be killed on the way home from a car accident. NO ONE ON EARTH KNOWS HOW MUCH TIME ANYONE HAS. Statistics suck too.

Since my mastectomy in 97 I have had that same problem. I found a company called Barely There, and that is all I wear.

I've always heard not to make any major changes soon after a loss like yours.

Welcome to our family. I had a lower left lobectomy 4/01, and felt the effects for a while. Luckily, I was off for the summer and did not return to school until that September. Shortness of breath was a real concern for me that summer, and I used an inhaler. Heat bothered me as well as hills. (thank goodness Jersey is flat) It takes a long time for nerves to heal after surgery, so I think you are right on target as far as recovery. Stay well. gail

Again, so sorry for your loss. Your post reminded me of when my son was born. I was sleep deprived (and you?). I would wake up in a panic, throwing all the covers off, looking for my baby. Of course he wasn't there. And I remember walking him back to his crib, going to put him down, and he was already there in the crib !!!! That is when I knew I needed rest. Take good, good care of yourself. I remember reading a book How to Survive the Loss of a Love, and it mentioned that if you have a physical wound, people visit you in the hospital, bringing you flowers and such. When you have an emotional wound, you are expected to go to work, and proceed with life. Time, time, time.

I was away for a week, and missed a lot of your posts. I feel for you and your husband. I had breast cancer in 93, then a new primary in 97. I found that very hard to handle emotionally, and was unable to express much emotion about it. I didn't know many people with two primaries. I went on St John's Wort after the chemo, but should have been put on anti-depressents. No one paid attention, and I didn't talk. When the lung cancer hit, I knew I needed a therapist, or I would go out of my mind. I encourage you and/or Rob to go. The therapy has given me a safe place to let go. You are trying so hard to be patient, and he knows it. I just know that multiple cancers (all primaries) sent me into a tailspin. Use us to vent. gail

So good to hear the good!!!! Whatever works for you and your dad--create those moments. I had no appetite with my chemo for the breast, but did a lot of what was called "grazing", short little meals, and a LOT of yogurt. I remember standing at my kitchen window, eating absolutely TASTELESS yogurt, and saying "God, if my appetite doesn't return, that would be okay". It did, and 40 pounds later . . .