shirleyb

Thank you everyone. Even though it has been hard, I still feel blessed to have had the time with him that I did. And I have been blessed again in having my family here who so understand what it is like. Thank you again. You are always in my prayers

Becky, I come here every day. Even though I don't post alot, I read and keep everyone in my prayers. Why do I still come? It is a safe place for me. So many here have given encouragement to keep on keeping on when I didn't think I could. How can I leave? Always...warm hugs.

You have my heartfelt prayers.

Today would have been mine and Randy's 31st wedding anniversary. No one to sing our anniversary song to this morning. It was always who could sing it first to the other in the morning. Silly little things like that....I still miss him. I guess I will always miss him and still love him. Isn't that the way it is when you lose those you love? Always......warm and gentle hugs.

Connie, It seems like yesterday. I wish you only the best. You are not on an easy path to walk. But we are here for you anytime you need a place to go. I too miss Frank's timely posts. Shirleyb

Val, I have to agree with you in that losing your parent at your age is very different from losing your parent when you are older. I see what my children are going through with losing their father at their ages, 24 and 27 when Randy passed. And their loss is very different than mine in losing both my mother and father, as I was older when both my folks passed. I see the results of their fathers passing in day to day events. The planning of our daughters wedding has brought this loss acutely to the forefront. I do understand where you are coming from. You do have unique challenges ahead of you. May you find your way with all the dignity that your mother's memory deserves. Praying for us all. Shirleyb

I am so sorry for all the hurts you are having and the hard times too. Be honest with the kids and push them to be honest with you. Let them know it is okay to be angry. Then try to find ways to deal with it. Katie has made some very good suggestions. You and the kids are in my prayers. Shirley

Val, I get it. Been there, done that, doing it again and again we each loss I have had. The first's come for each one and I remember. Am I who I was before Randy got sick. No. Plain and simple, his illness and death ripped me to my core. I had to find myself after he was gone because he was half of who I was. I have had several additional losses since then. Each one has been different and caused change in me in a different way each time. I sometimes wonder if it will ever end. But I do get it. Thanks for posting. Much love Shirley

My sister in law shared this with me. It made me think of the post Don Wood submitted the other day. Maybe this can help explain some of the choices some of us make. "Love and the joy of hurting" By Bob Perks "Do you like what you do?" she asked me. "I write about happy things," I said. "Wait a minute. I've read your work. You made me cry sometimes," she said. "That makes me happy," I replied. "Well, that's sick," she said smiling. "I don't make people cry by hurting them. They often cry from the hurt they have already. When I first started writing, people would reply telling me that they cried. I wrote back every time to apologize until I one day realized what a privilege it was." She still looked at me oddly. "You see, something I was inspired to write touched someone in such a way as to draw from them an emotion. They, the reader, actually permitted me, trusted me to enter into their very being that day and release the pain or joy associated with my story." "So, I let you in?" "No, God did. He used that moment to connect us. There was something you needed to feel and something He wanted me to say." "Then why do we hurt so much?" "Love." How much we hurt is often in relationship to how much we love. The same can be said about happiness. How much happiness there is in our lives depends on how much love we have not only for those around us, but for life itself. Like the death of a loved one. Such loss is a pain we all endure many times in our lives. Why? Because we love. But the great thing about love is, it never ceases, even after the final goodbye. Love continues. It does not cease to exist because someone has died. I believe it is not the memory of someone gone, but the love of someone that sustains us. Love is more than remembering. Love is first a decision of the mind and then a commitment of the heart. A few years ago, someone wrote to me asking "When will I stop hurting?" At that time there seemed to be a number of people who were struggling with loss. I have recently become aware that some of my "friends I've never met," are hurting. Permit me to share that story with you again: When will I stop hurting? By Bob Perks "I lost a loved one nearly a year ago. When will I stop hurting?" The question was simple but difficult to answer. She was challenging me. I wanted to help her, but I knew that only she could answer that question. Whenever someone writes to tell me about a death, I always talk about the difficult months ahead. I refer to it as a "Year of Firsts." The first holiday, birthday, anniversary, summer picnic or other personal event without that loved one. Then there are those little things you never really paid attention to before, but now find a gaping hole right in the middle of your day. Like the time they woke up each morning, how they had their coffee, the sound the door made around dinner time when they arrived home and the way they said "hello." But there was something about this message today that made me stop and really think about what I needed to say. Oddly, I decided that the pain she was feeling was a good thing, but I wasn't sure she wanted to know that. Here is exactly what I wrote to her: When will you stop hurting? That is a measure of the love you shared and how does one measure love? By remembering them long after they are gone. "Memories" are the shadows of a life well lived that remain long after the light of their being has gone out. May you never forget. "Pain" is the echo of remembering those special moments when all the world belonged to the both of you. The day will come when the pain of remembering turns into understanding the privilege of ever having them in your life at all. Remembering will be a joy. Although the pain is great at times you are reminded still, how very much you loved and were loved. May the rest of your life be a reflection of that love and when your time comes may your passing cast long shadows for all who loved you, too. Bob Perks ### My final thought... When I die... Bury me not in a cold dark grave. Bury me deep within your heart. I will live forever there. "I believe in you!" Bob I encourage you to share my stories but I do ask that you keep my name and contact information with my work.

Randy, I am sorry for the additional loss you have suffered. I do understand how it can bring on the blues. Take care friend. Shirley

Grace and family, I am so sorry about Carlton. Shirley

Don, Isn't it amazing what some people say. You and I both know that we each grieve in our own way. I also agree 100% with you in that we each choose how we are going to go on. Some choose to stay in the "oh poor me" state and some of us choose to go on and try to make the best of life. It doesn't mean we don't hurt still or feel the pain and lonelyness that comes with losing someone we love. We still feel that but we also choose to be happy again in whatever way we can. IMHO I think we honor those we have loved and lost by going on and seeing the joy that life has. I know my Randy and your Lucie would not want to see us grieving the rest of our lives because they are not "here". They would want for us to find happiness again and be able to smile and laugh. Much love always. Shirleyb

This is a repost from one of Faylene's. At an airport I overheard a father and daughter in their last moments together. They had announced her plane's departure and standing near the door, he said to his daughter, "I love you, I wish you enough." She said, "Daddy, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Daddy." They kissed good-bye and she left. He walked over toward the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see he wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on his privacy, but he welcomed me in by asking, "Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it could be forever?" "Yes, I have," I replied. Saying that brought back memories I had of expressing my love and appreciation for all my Dad had done for me. Recognizing that his days were limited, I took the time to tell him face to face how much he meant to me. So I knew what this man was experiencing. "Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?" I asked. "I am old and she lives much too far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is, her next trip back will be for my funeral, " he said. "When you were saying good-bye I heard you say, 'I wish you enough.' May I ask what that means?" He began to smile. "That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone." He paused for a moment and looking up as if trying to remember it in detail, he smiled even more. "When we said 'I wish you enough,' we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with enough good things to sustain them," he continued and then turning toward me he shared the following as if he were reciting it from memory. "I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright. I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more. I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive. I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger. I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting. I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess. I wish enough "Hello's" to get you through the final "Good-bye." He then began to sob and walked away. My friends and loved ones, I wish you ENOUGH!!! They say, "It takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them."

Frank, My heart is heavy in reading your post. I have to ditto what everyone else has said. You remind me of so many others that have gone on this path before you. Dean Carl for one. I admire your strenght and courage and willingness to share with us here what you are thinking and feeling as you walk this path. May you feel the blessings of God as He guides you on this journey. My prayers are for you and Connie at this time. I just "wish you enough". Much love, Shirleyb

This is for all of us who have lost our mothers. I think it says it best. Your Mother is always with you. She's the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street. She's the smell of certain foods you remember, flowers you pick and perfume that she wore. She's the cool hand on your brow when you're not feeling well. She's your breath in the air on a cold winter's day. She is the sound of the rain that lulls you to sleep, the colors of a rainbow. She is Christmas morning. Your Mother lives inside your laughter. And she's crystallized in every tear drop. A mother shows every emotion............happiness, sadness, fear, jealousy, love, hate, anger, helplessness, excitement, joy, sorrow....and all the while, hoping and praying you will only know good feelings in life. She's the place you came from, your first home, and she's the map you follow with every step you take. She's your first love, your first friend, even your first enemy, but nothing on earth can separate you. Not time, not space.......not even death!

(((Katie and family))) you are all close to my heart and you have my prayers for your mother. wishing you enough. Warm hugs Shirleyb

Val, Like Katie, I too can relate. The NEW normal is not so new any more, it is just normal. The saying that it is what it is, speaks for itself. I know my life has changed too in so many ways yet I still think of Randy everyday. When certain events take place, I so wish he was still here to be with us to enjoy them, but then I remember he is still with us, in our hearts. Thank you for sharing. Much love and warm hugs. Your mother is so very proud of you!! Shirleyb

Happy Birthday DEB!!! Randy your love for Deb shines through. My thoughts and prayers are with you now and for tomorrow. Warm hugs and gentle prayers. Shirleyb

(((Pat))) Warm thoughts and continued prayers for you. Shirleyb

Karen, I am sorry for your pain. Get some rest and don't fight what you are feeling. Grief is overwhelming. Just take it minute by minute. Prayers for you and your family. Shirleyb

Ann, Dear Girlfriend, you are in my thoughts and prayers. Dennis is so proud of you and what you have done and are continuing to do. Many warm hugs, Shirleyb

Randy, I hope this funk passes soon for you. If it continues, make sure you talk to your doctor about it. You don't have to go through this alone you know. We are all here for you whenever you need us to help boost you up. I know the first season of holiday's for me was so hard. I just tried to keep myself so busy I did not have time to think. I also made it a point to have lots of people around. The other thing I did was not focus so much on traditions that had been but starting doing what felt right for me at the time. If that meant letting go of some of the old traditions, then so be it. I did what I had to do to survive. You are such an inspiration to so many. I have to thank you for all you have done so far and all you will do in the future for all of us here. Thank you!! Love and hugs, Shirleyb

Connie, I pray that you find some comfort and peace soon. It has to be hard on you and your wonderful family to see you struggling and not knowing what is causing it all. I hope you get some relief soon. Praying for us all. Shirley

Ann, I am so happy for you. What a wonderful blessing your weekend was. Congratulations!! Shirley

Linda, I am glad you posted and that you are getting the medical help you need along with the rest that have responded. I never would have thought I would have had the issues I have now but have learned alot since Randy, my mom, and my brother in law passed. Broken heart symdrom (sp) is very real. If let unattended, it can lead to more problems. I never thought I would have had heart issues until I happened to mention to my doctor durning my annual physical that I thought I had a pulled muscle in my chest. Thankfully she listened and sent me in for further testing. We found out that pulled muscle is cardio myapothy. I am now on medication for it and I know in time it will help. But we need to listen to our bodies. Care givers need to pay attention to their own health as well as their loved ones. Get your checkups. Make sure you are taking as good of care of yourself as you are of others. Without your health, you will not be there for others. Praying for us all. Shirleyb