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Really Struggling...


Treebywater

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It's been a hard day. I don't know if it's being back at Dad's in the 'aftermath' of things. Or really, in the aftermath of the aftermath when there is no concrete goal of getting things done or even getting relatives booted out.

I'm just sad. I miss Mom so very much. And I promise I'm trying to live life to the fullest and trying to be happy because she would want me to be, but tonight I'm just sad.

I've been having nightmares too. Not a lot, but one especially was just terrible and keeps haunting me.

I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing really good. And sometimes I feel like I'm doing *too* good. Sometimes I feel like I'm sweeping things under the rug.

And then sometimes I feel like I've been hit by a truck.

Today I think the truck won.

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Val, it's just like Ginny said.

I remember in Mum's last few days when we were all sitting around her bed. I think it was one of those moments when there were lots of tears ('cos strangely, there were lots of moments of laughter too!), and Dad said 'this is the price we pay for loving so much'. It is so true. And as much as it hurts, I wouldn't have had it any other way. I know you know what I mean....

Thinking of you,

Karen

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Hi Val,

I just want you to know that I am thinking of you and I am sorry you are feeling so down. But that will pass. Unfortunately, that is the greif process. You think you are doing good, then BAM...

The combination of being back at your parents house and dealing with your dad's grief. Being back at the house and not having your moms presense there is bringing back a flood of memories. Of course you miss her!!

You are doing fine. This is all normal. I am sorry you are having nightmares. That part I don't like. I pray all this will pass for you. And it will. It is still so new, just give it time.

Maryanne

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Val, I'm so sorry you're feeling down. I know how hard it must be for you to be home and not have your mom there with you. Just try and remember how very much it means to your dad to have you and precious little Carolyn there for him right now. It's really good that you and your dad have each other to lean on right now. I'm praying for sunshine and blue skies to come your way.....and hoping a chicken runs across the road right in front of that truck!!!!

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Val....your grief is still very fresh...

My Mom has been gone a little over a year and I still have those days that the truck wins!

My mom was very pragmatic. She was a product of the depression era and was just very practical. She had a tender side, too....and would always allow me my time to cry, to feel sorry for myself, whatever....but after what she perceived to be long enough she would just look at me and say, "That's enough." Never anything more than that, but I always knew what she meant.

Now, when I have those "truck" days, I allow myself to feel it, experience it....even embrace it sometimes.....but I always hear her say, "That's enough." Then I am able to move on.....

Don't fight it, it will come back ten times worse....just feel it and you will know when it is "enough".

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It's going on 5 years since I lost my father to lung cancer. I hate to tell you but there are still days when I find myself crying, days when I miss him so much I can't believe he's never coming back.

It took awhile for me to be able to go over to my mothers house and not look at the door and expect him to walk in at any time. Your mother has been a major part of your life since you were born, it's a huge loss. No matter how old we get, our mother will always be "mommy".

It does get easier with time but you will always miss her and that truck will win sometimes. Let the tears flow if it helps.

Kathy

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Oh Val,

I, too, have those truck days when I think of my own mother. I lost her in 1985 and there are STILL days that the truck wins!!!!! It is SO very normal, BUT that does not get you through those kind of days.

We are thinking of you and hoping that you can have more days that the truck loses. I think one thing that makes it even harder is that she is not there to be Grandma to precious Caroline. Not sure I have words to make that any better.

We are hoping for more better days than bad and trying to love you through it, Val. Hope that helps in some small way.

Love,

Kasey

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I know you are hurting and I pray it gets better for you. Today was a bad day for me, too. It hurts to lose our loved one. It is going to take a long time to get "used" to them being gone. I know the emptiness in your heart. When you are near the Quad Cities, please call me. I want so much to see Carolyn and you. Take care, Nancy C

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Hi Val,

I'm two years out from losing my Dad and some days I feel as if there hasn't been any improvement in the greiving pocess. Two years later I still miss him every day and want to talk to him or hug him. I am finally able to drive some place in the car by myself and not cry so that is marked improvement. When we lose someone that is so close to us, I'm not sure we ever fully recover because there always seems to be "something" missing and that causes those down times. Hang in there....this is all so fresh for you. Let yourself feel the sadness, the good stuff in life will come too.

Kris

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hi Val. I just came back to this post, and I'm so sad for you. I have not been where you are, so I won't give advice.

just know you're loved and supported here, no matter whether your driving the truck or it's driving you...

love and prayers, hon. look for a PM.

xoxo

amie

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