LynneH Posted September 14, 2005 Share Posted September 14, 2005 Hmmmmm…debated whether to post this when I would rather post encouragement for others here. I think I’m doing pretty well but just needed to talk to someone who understands how this cancer has impacted our lives. Jim would have been 55 today. He’s been gone since March 31, 2005, at 6:30 pm. 5 and ½ months. I remember his last breath like it was a moment ago. I hate to cook but would love to be making Jim one of his favorite birthday dinners – Burgundy Meatballs, Curry, or Chicken Chow Mein (I give all of these a high yuck factor but he loved them). I would be taking the Chocolate Fudge cake out of the oven about now to let it cool before frosting it with homemade whipped cream flavored with peppermint. Next, I would make him open all of his presents and the dogs and I would have to help him if he wasn’t fast enough because we were always excited to see if he would like them. Jim told me that he couldn’t casually mention that he liked something because I would run out and buy it for him. What a bad wife! He would have “tolerated” the balloons and Happy Birthday signs I would hang, although I think he secretly liked them. And I could always make him laugh by reminding him that he was “old” because he was 9 years older than me and I said I would never catch up and there was nothing he could do about that. Guess I was wrong about that. I didn’t think I was having a pity party today but it sure sounds like it! I’ve exercised, napped, eaten, and walked from room to room trying to remember what I am supposed to be doing. Maybe talking to all of you will get me back on track and back into that spare room to clean out all of the junk that’s been piling up! I ran across this and thought you might enjoy it also: We Remember Them In the rising of the sun and in its going down, We remember them. In the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter, We remember them. In the opening of buds and in the warmth of summer, We remember them. In the rustling of leaves and the beauty of autumn, We remember them. In the beginning of the year and when it ends, We remember them. When we are weary and in need of strength, We remember them. When we are lost and sick at heart, We remember them. When we have joys we yearn to share, We remember them. So long as we live, they too shall live, for they are now a part of us, as We remember them. (Source unknown) Thanks for listening. Lynne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patkid Posted September 14, 2005 Share Posted September 14, 2005 (((((((Our Lynne))))))))))) I so wish we could give you that hug in person. You are so good at clearly and kindly letting us peek into your heart. You are a treasure. May your memories sustain you. Love Pat and Brian You do such a wonderful job of supporting and encouraging all of us we thank you for letting us have a turn to lift you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susan Posted September 14, 2005 Share Posted September 14, 2005 Oh Lynne- what a beautiful poem- it brings tears to my eyes. Rachel has only been gone a few weeks and I feel so empty- so sad- I know that next July 26th , her 51st birthday I too will feel what you are feeling today. But I will hoist a brandy and toast my lifelong friend who made such a difference in my life. these special people in our lives will live on foever in our hearts- and our lives will never be the same, will they? I love what you say at the end of you signature- about him knowing he was loved- it certainly comes through in your post- I say make that chocolate cake- that special dinner and enjoy it with those who were close to him and who along with you,are missing him on this day. Big hugs to you dear Lynne- Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melindasue37 Posted September 14, 2005 Share Posted September 14, 2005 Hi Lynne, What a rough day for you. I have never walked in your shoes, so I have no advice to offer. I do know that all the "firsts" without our loved ones has to be the absolute hardest to get through. I hope you can surround yourself with people that can give you all the support that you need. Whether that be a shoulder to cry on or just someone to listen....and a big hug to let you know that you are not alone and that sometimes we just have to take things day by day to not get so overwhelmed. Take extra special care of yourself today....heck, let he pile sit another day and do something special for yourself. YOU deserve it!!!! PS I really liked the poem...thank you for sharing it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SBeth Posted September 14, 2005 Share Posted September 14, 2005 I'm sorry Lynne. It sounds like you made Jim feel very special on every day, but especially on his birthday. I can hear how much you miss him. I'm just so sorry for your loss and your pain. I don't know if this is true (so I probably shouldn't even be saying it), but I've heard that it will get easier with each passing year. I hope this is the truth. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharyn Posted September 15, 2005 Share Posted September 15, 2005 I am sorry the day is so hard for you.... your poem is quite beautiful... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jean Posted September 15, 2005 Share Posted September 15, 2005 Lynne, What a beautiful poem! I lost my husband on 9/30/04. He was only 53. I have a hard time cooking anything because it makes me think where is John? I have a 15 year old daughter here at home though so I have too. But I loved cooking for him although last September I couldn't because John was having a hard time swallowing. Cancer seemed to take everything from him. His ability to walk, talk, eat and finally to breathe. I too remember his last days so well. We were here at home which I am glad of. But the cancer never took the love he feels for me. It is still here in my soul. Thank you. Carolyn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nancy c Posted September 15, 2005 Share Posted September 15, 2005 That was a beautiful poem, and I wish you peace. There is a hole in our heart when we lose someone so special . He certainly knew you loved him, you showed him. God bless, Nancy C Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Treebywater Posted September 15, 2005 Share Posted September 15, 2005 ((((Lynne)))) You don't sound like you were having a pity party. You sound like you are doing a very good job of feeling what you need to and still putting one foot in front of the other today. I loved the poem. It's so absolutely true. Thank you for sharing your heart with us--whether it's heavy, or bursting with encouragement for others it's a blessing. Val Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ginnyde Posted September 15, 2005 Share Posted September 15, 2005 Lynne, I understand. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tnmynatt Posted September 15, 2005 Share Posted September 15, 2005 ((((((Lynne)))))) Thinking and praying for you. Like the idea of doing something to pamper yourself. The cleaning up will wait. Take care. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maryanne Posted September 15, 2005 Share Posted September 15, 2005 Hi Lynne, May tomorrow be a better day for you. I hope that it helped to let some of your grief to us. As we are always here to catch you when you feel you are falling. What a hard day for you, my heart goes out to you. You loved your Jim so much. I could see how special he was, by your posts. You were so lucky to have him in your life. It was just too da*mn short!! But at least you have wonderful memories of him that lives on in your heart. That poem was beautiful and brought tears to my eyes. I was actually thinking of my mom when I read that. Her passing was June 28. Hang in there, Lynn and know we are hear for you to listen and give some virtual hugs. Wish I could give you the real thing. (((((Lynne)))) Maryanne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stand4hope Posted September 15, 2005 Share Posted September 15, 2005 Lynne, Like, Ginny said, I understand, too. I, too, loved cooking for Don, and I really miss that, although I've lost 14 lbs., so my body is glad I'm not cooking. I had to laugh at this: He would have “tolerated” the balloons and Happy Birthday signs I would hang, although I think he secretly liked them. Ditto that! Don always said he hated a fuss on his birthday, but I think he would have been crushed if I didn't put up one of my computer banner Happy Birthday signs that I made every year, plus the cake I would bake (or buy) that he would never eat - BUT I WOULD! And he always rolled his eyes at me singing Happy Birthday and making hm blow out candles, but just like you said, "I think he secretly liked them." LOL! I'm glad you got through the day. I expect I'll be needing some lifting up, too, as I go through those special days. This is the place to let it out. I got through our anniversary day ok, but there are so many more special days to come. Sending you love and hugs, Peggy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LynneH Posted September 15, 2005 Author Share Posted September 15, 2005 To everyone of you, thank you from the bottom of my heart! I like to think I can "do this" all by myself, but all of you gave me warm fuzzies and today is a much better day. I'm cutting up cucumber slices now to depuff the eyes (whether it works or not, it sure feels weird) and am going to take on the day. This evening, I am going with a girlfriend to the OKC Art Museum for dinner at the yummy Museum Cafe and to view their off-the-beaten-track film. I talked to Jim often about the people on this site and he was happy that I found a place that gave me comfort. I'll be "talking" to him again today and telling him how much all of you helped me, once again. With love, Lynne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bunny Posted September 15, 2005 Share Posted September 15, 2005 I'm sorry I missed this yesterday, Lynne. I have no words of wisdom for you, except to second the notion that expressing grief and sadness is NOT a pity party. we're here, no matter what. xoox bunny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Posted September 15, 2005 Share Posted September 15, 2005 Lynne, I too am so sorry that I missed this post yesterday. I hope your are feeling better today. I just hate these special days since losing Dennis. I wish I could just cut those days out of the calendar and not even know what day it was! Thanks so much for posting the poem. It was beautiful and helped me a lot today! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DianeR Posted September 15, 2005 Share Posted September 15, 2005 Lynne, Sorry I missed your post yesterday. I know these special days are so hard. I was glad to read today is a better day. Enjoy your day with your friend. Take care. Diane Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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