rinksgal Posted October 27, 2003 Share Posted October 27, 2003 I'm always a mess about a week before new scans and this past week has been no different...Darrell gets his new ct scan today at 1:30pm...I'm anxious and scared to death!! His last scan was at the end of aug. It showed 21% shrinkage... Since that test hes had another week of radiation, and 2 more regimens of chemo. It would sure be nice if it would be gone... but I'm just hoping for good news in any form!! I'm also scared to death about the liver and what it will show... as of last scan he had 6 lesions, but who knows what they are... They were talking about doing another pet scan or mri (which every report reccomended an mri and no one has mentioned doing one), depending on what this new ct scan shows.. If they aren't cancer I'd sure like to know that for a fact so that I will quit worrying about them and the fact that they have done nothing for those...Because chemo hasn't shrunk them...I mean way back in may he had one lesion and each new test the lesions have increase in amount and size. God I hope they are not mets!!! Please Pray for good results!!!! I just hope God listens and that Darrell is able to take a break from chemo, he needs it. We see both oncologist on Thursday... So we will know by then unless they call us sooner... Christy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebayou Posted October 27, 2003 Share Posted October 27, 2003 Dear Christy.. I share your anxiety and stress in those final days leading to scans and then results.. I pray God will come through and that all will be well.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
norme Posted October 27, 2003 Share Posted October 27, 2003 Christy, Will say special prayers off and on today for Darrell.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhutch1366 Posted October 27, 2003 Share Posted October 27, 2003 Christy, Prayers en route, and fingers and toes crossed. Hope Darrell comes out of this appointment on top of the world!!! Warm Regards, XOXOX MaryAnn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rinksgal Posted October 27, 2003 Author Share Posted October 27, 2003 Thanks for the prayers, we need them, and you might say an extra one for me to hold it together!! I feel like I'm gonna explode inside. I wish I didn't feel like I'm a bomb about ready to go off!! I even snapped at him a few minutes ago... The waiting takes its toll on both of us.. Its funny how you don't remember things till your going through it again.. Seems like we both get grumpy and aggitated easily right before results...We both are snappy! I hate that, he's the last person I want to snap at!!! I truely believe I have panic attacks over this... I can't believe anyone has this kind of anxiety waiting!! But I'm sure I'm not alone!!!It just feels that way inside, like no one in the whole world knows whats going on inside of me... Everyone you see is laughing and having a good time or bitching about something soooo very stupid.. When inside of me I'm just sitting there with a pretense to hearing people talk about all the dumb things they have to talk about and I'm waiting for either good news or news that could turn our whole world upside down!! I'm trying to think positive and I try to tell myself to calm down, but how do you turn off what is going on inside of you.. My mind doesn't know how to quit thinking about this, not even for a second... I'm not sleeping good again, the past few nights I just lay in bed and doze a few mins here and there....I feel like my heart is gonna pound out of my chest at any given second... Sometimes I feel like somethings got to give.. I feel like I've aged a hundred years over the past 6 months....I even see my worried lines on my face getting more obvious... Its like I keep a worried look on my face constantly..People at work tell me you like you need a hug.. Another girl at work actually massaged my shoulders for me today!! I must look a mess on the outside too. Although I feel like I hide it well, I must not...but how do you hide all of this anxiety thats going on inside of you... here I go again whining and thinking poor me....God I hate this!!!! Just say an extra prayer for me too please to be stronger and calmer inside...... Christy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
norme Posted October 27, 2003 Share Posted October 27, 2003 You got it Christy.....prayers being said now..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebayou Posted October 27, 2003 Share Posted October 27, 2003 Lots of lots of prayers for you Christy being said today, tonight and tomorrow!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimblanchard Posted October 27, 2003 Share Posted October 27, 2003 I HATE THE WAITING TOO. I am saying a prayer for you right now......... Blessings to you, Peg Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karen335 Posted October 28, 2003 Share Posted October 28, 2003 Christy, Prayers for you and Darrell. To make it easier on yourself, put this in the hands of God. Let the burden be on Him. It is a lot easier, all we have to do is believe. That's what I am doing, I am also waiting on a CT scan result. Scan was done last Thursday. I know it will come back clean, only scar tissue. I belive this for Darrell also. Please rest easy tonight and God Bless you both.... Warm Regards Karen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rinksgal Posted October 28, 2003 Author Share Posted October 28, 2003 Thanks Karen, all I do when I get upset is upset him, and damn it I hate to upset him this way.... He knows I'm worried and that upsets him and I hate that... His daughter called him from work tonight she wondered what went on today. He told her just the ct scan. and she was trying to ask if he was gonna ask about prognosis....but we don't want to know it.. He never has, and I did, but now I don't care because I don't want it to take away my hope...I don't think I could deal with it right now.. Because what do they know anyways... I try hard to believe in God, theres alot of reason which I won't go into that stems from my childhood that makes me doubt God, and I even feel guilty saying that like god won't listen to my prayers about Darrell if I say that... God I hope there is a god and I hope hes listening to my prayers!!! A ex step daughter from his first marriage, (she is a child his ex had before she met darrell, but is also the mother of Darrells own 2 kids) she would like to be there and I personally don't want her there, I left it up to him, but he knows how I feel about it.. Its always been him and I, I think we need to hear results alone, or with his 2 kids, but they don't want to be there at this time..Its like its our news and we will share it with others after we have dealt with it. Does this make any sense. I hope he chooses not to have her there... God this is only Monday and I have till thursday to deal with my worries and I don't know if I'll make it that long... Its almost impossible to work right now, work doesn't help me at all!!! I would rather be at home, but I'm no good here either in my state of mind... I wish I could just take something to make me sleep until Thursday got here... I know everyone on this board that reads my messages must think I'm totally nuts... but I feel nuts at the moment. Why does this make me this way..... I should be calmer and more in control... Of course no one see's how out of control I feel but all of you!!!! Darrell only thinks he knows, but he doesn't have a clue to how of control I feel inside... I know I'm using this board to blow off alot of steam, and I hope no one thinks I'm totally crazy!!!! God I hope I can sleep tonight. I need to so bad.. I thought about taking one of Darrells ambiens, but decided against it... I drive a school bus and don't want to be all screwed up in the am.. i get up at 4am. and it already 10:30 or so.. and I need to get to bed, but just had to check this board one more time before I go to bed, or try to go to bed.... I won't sleep much until after thursday and depending on the news, who knows I may not sleep then, if we get bad news I'm taking Friday off, God I hope and pray for good news.. I don't know how anyone deals with this!!!!! I wish I had everyone elses strengthen!!! I'm tired of trying to be strong!! I want my life to be easy for a change...I want good news and I want my Darrell to have a long and healthy life and to feel good again!!! He wants to feel good, I'm tired of him always feeling bad!! He hates that so much, but then again he says it better than the alternative... When he hurts and suffers so do I, I just want him to feel better for him...I'm sorry if I sound nuts and I thank everyone for their prayers!!! I'll try not to post a bunch of more stuff like this, but I'm just losing it!!!! I wish I had your faith!! Christy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rinksgal Posted October 28, 2003 Author Share Posted October 28, 2003 Karen, sometimes I'm so self center, here you said your waiting on results of a ct scan too, and here I go on and on about me.. Please know I wish you the best of news too... I hope God listens to all of our prayers. I hope you receive good news too. When are you suppose to find out? They told Darrell that before he even left that they'd already sent it to the doctors...Wish we knew already... Its amazing that they can find out that soon.. Keep me posted on your own results! and I'm wishing you well and will say a prayer for you too!! Christy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-Cheryl- Posted October 29, 2003 Share Posted October 29, 2003 Christy, Praying to God for no mets in the liver and tumor shrinkage. I will be thinking about you guys. Cheryl Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rinksgal Posted October 29, 2003 Author Share Posted October 29, 2003 Cheryl thanks for the prayers they are appreciated!!! More than you know!!! I'm a mess, but I will get through it!! I have no choice!! Christy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
natalie Posted October 29, 2003 Share Posted October 29, 2003 Christy- It sounds like the doctor already has the results. If I were you, I'd request that you meet sooner to find out the results. In my opinion, the anticipation is worse than anything. It's better to know, then think about the next step and how to conquer this evil disease. Your going to find out anyway, so you might as well get the anticipation over with if you can. I hope Darrell decides not to have the ex-wife there...I agree with you and think that she shouldn't be there. You are definitely not crazy, and you can post your thoughts any day. It's nice to know that other people go through the same thoughts in their mind that I do. It reaffirms that none of us our crazy, we are just going through a very difficult journey. I took the day off today...burnt out and knew I would be able to concentrate on work. Took my mom to the hospital last night for dehydration and don't know how much more I can take of this physically and emotionally. I love her so much and hate to see her in any pain or feeling uncomfortable. Christy, you hang in there. You are doing such a good job and you have a lot of strength. We will be here for you to support you with the results of the test...you too Cheryl! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rinksgal Posted October 29, 2003 Author Share Posted October 29, 2003 I thought about calling the doctor to meet earlier, but he only sees lc patients on Thursdays.. So Anyway thats tomorrow now. and you are right sometimes I think the waiting and wondering so just plain murder on ones insides!!! and I guess you misunderstood me its not Darrells ex wife its his ex step daughter so to speak. I just reread that part and no wonder you thought I meant the ex wife, I will go and edit that right now. His ex was married before and already had 2 daughters when her and darrell got together.. He helped with raising them for the 7 years that their marriage lasted... Darrell and her also then had 2 children which are a boy 18 and a daughter who will be 20 soon. They have both stayed in contact with Darrell due to him being the only dad they ever knew.. They call him dad, I mean Darrell loves them but they are not the same to him as his own 2 children... He doesn't care if she goes, but I'd rather her not... Its always just been him and I at all of his oncology appointments. I guess I'm being selfish that way.. If his own kids would want to be there I wouldn't have a problem.. But I told him my feelings and then went back later and told him it wasn't that big of a deal and that if he wants to tell her where the appointment is I guess it didn't matter.. The other stepdaughter from his first marriage I like a lot better and shes even assisted with little appointments taking time off work and all. twice now, and its helped. I won't miss his oncology appointments, but I haven't taken everyday off for every chemo, I have always gone on his long days and anytime anything new is going on that I"m not sure how he will handle it... I agree sometimes I think I don't know how much more my own body physically and emotionaly can take, but theres only 2 ways that I see this can end and I don't want to lose him, and I don't see the cancer just going away on its own for good...I hope I'm wrong on the latter part...I want a cure, not remission, not the constant worrying but I want it to be the worse nightmare of my whole life and to wake up in the morning and find out it was a VERY HORRIBLE DREAM!!!! Good Luck to you Karen on Friday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm praying for both of our prayers to come true!! Please God hear us!? Christy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fay A. Posted October 30, 2003 Share Posted October 30, 2003 Christy, Just wanted ou to know that I'm thinking of you two today, and hoping for good news. Fay A. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karen335 Posted October 30, 2003 Share Posted October 30, 2003 Christy, Thinking of you and Prayers for you and Darrell today. All will be Ok. Keep the faith and God does answer our prayers... Hang in there. I just love that little puppy's ears, every time I see that picture it makes me smile... Warm Regards, Karen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
norme Posted October 30, 2003 Share Posted October 30, 2003 Christy, It's Thurs, - - how are the scans? Hope you can post in good news, for Darrell deserves good news. I took out all my flustration on the house today. I cleaned.....Actually I am not flustrated today. Cleaning the house was kind of good. I have decided to let the Lord handle all of it.....it is bigger then me now.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rinksgal Posted October 31, 2003 Author Share Posted October 31, 2003 Well his scans showed the largest tumor in his lymphnode that was originally 2.8 x 2.8 to now be 1.3 x 1.7 Which we think is 70 some percent shrinkage.. His friend who is an engineer figured this up for us.. But He does have a new nodule that is only 4mm in size in his lower right lobe, by the apex and a new medial pleural effusion that isn't causing any problems.. No new lesions on his liver and none have grown in size. I guess that means its good..adrenal glands are clear and everything else. They will follow up with a new ct scan and a pet scan the first of janurary sometime. They think he needs a break, but thank god his blood levels are way back up... his red blood cells are within normal range.. 4.2 and his white cells are alittle low, but not bad at all and his hemoglobin is 11.7.. which is about where he started.. So no more aranesp shots. But he complained yesterday to me about bone pain and then later decided it was muscle maybe. Said it felt like a charley horse, but he didn't remember getting any. Anyways that sent up red flags today to the oncologist. and he sent Darrell over for a ultra scan on his artiries and veins, on his legs.. This pain was in his calf... Anyways he has 3 blood clots in his calf in his left leg... They have put him on cumin and lovenox injections... Hes to give hisself 2 injections a day of this 100mg/1ml injections. Hes always giving the pigs shots and had no problem doing this hisself.. He said the shot burned a little but other than that was fine with it.. He has to take 5 mg. of the cumin once a day.... starts it tomorrow... so now that mean tues and fridays he has to go for blood work which we will have done here at home and faxed to the oncologist... But the good news is shrinkage and no growth, except for the new effusion and 4mm nodule. But he was so glad about the break from chemo I don't think nothing else mattered at this point. but he says if his fever returns he will camp on their door step.. Which everytime his cancer is active he runs a fever of sorts...So, he was happy, he didn't like the new nodule being there, but we will wait and see and deal with it. I ended up taking this am off, I called my boss last night at 9:30pm at home and probably made a fool of myself crying my eyese out and told him I was too upset to work. He totally understood and was very good to me about this. His mother died of cancer...He says not to worry about my job... I'm glad hes on my side... I took medicine so I could sleep last night and took some this am just to get through today.. then I felt stupid for being so upset... I wish I handled this more like Darrell, he is sooo very strong... He says even if he felt bad for 10 years, he would still do all of the chemo and every treatment they had for him because the alternative is to die, and hes not ready to die... He'd rather feel bad all the time...But I know this is hard for him too!!! I'm just glad he will have a little break, before it all starts up again... I thank each and everyone of your for your prayers!!! I guess all of this is good in some ways, except for the new effusion and new nodule... which is small and will be followed up with the new ct scan the first of jan. and the new pet scan... Darrell says "why worry? It is what it is and we can't change that!" Damn I wish I was so good at handling this, maybe hes just putting on a pretense for me!! I told him today that I was worried about bone mets and he said he knew that!...I wish I was better at hiding my worry... I'm just glad he did tell them of this pain in the leg and that they tested him for what they thought was wrong.. The Oncologist said quote on quote "We lose ALot of lc patients due to blood Clots!!" That scared the hell out of us!!! Well good luck and thanks to everyone, and Cheryl let us know what you find out... I'd of ratherd them not foudn thenew effusion and new nodule, but I believe it could have been worse....Damn I love this man, and I want him around alot of years with me!! Good Luck to All!!! P.S. We get alot of comments about Little Rinks ears!! They are almost bigger than he is.. He is 6months old now and weighs 4 lb .s He has been a life saver for us. and he is so rotten!! But yet such a good dog and a very good companion for Darrell when I'm not here. We both don't know what we would do without him.. Darrells name is Darrell Rinker and people call him Rink.. So he named the dog Sir Dinky Rink and we call him little Rink.. His ears are very big... but you know it doesn't matter how many hours darrell sleeps, or when, Rink lays with him constantly!!!! Its like he knows he is sick and he stays with him constantly!! It was the best money we have ever spent.. Hes put many smiles on our faces that wouldn't of been there if it hadn't of been for this precious heaven sent dog!!!! Christy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimblanchard Posted October 31, 2003 Share Posted October 31, 2003 Christy, This is such wonderful news on the scan. 70% shrinkage!!!! INCREDIBLE! I am so worried about you. I wish I could come give you a hug. Here's one over the computer to you ((((((((((Christy)))))))))))). I am glad you took some time off and that you have an understanding boss. Support at work is so important. Love the little dog. Perhaps he IS heaven sent just for Darrell. Blessings to all of you, Peg Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teresag Posted October 31, 2003 Share Posted October 31, 2003 That is one cute dog! Isn't it amazing how pets seem to understand our needs, attending to us when we are sick? That must be a gift from above. Good luck to you both, Christy & Darrell, and keep that tumor shrinkage coming! You will make it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhutch1366 Posted October 31, 2003 Share Posted October 31, 2003 Dear Christy and Darrell, The cisplatin and vp-16 in combination with the radiation is what killed my huge tumor (in excess of 14 x 9 x 6 cm) and saved my life. When it works, it works very well. I wouldn't be surprised if the tumor is pretty ill and dying itself. If the smaller one is like the larger one, it too might be on the way out. God bless and good job for finding Darrell's clots. Anther one of those odd things that "happens" to cancer patients. Enjoy your terrific news about the shrinkage -- that is tremendous news!! Christy, perhaps now you can get a good night's sleep.... God bless and keep you both, MaryAnn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
norme Posted October 31, 2003 Share Posted October 31, 2003 Oh Christy, Darrell was in need of some good news and you too. Am so happy for both of you and little Rink too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebayou Posted October 31, 2003 Share Posted October 31, 2003 Great News Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rinksgal Posted October 31, 2003 Author Share Posted October 31, 2003 You know I'm grateful that the clots were found when they were, its too bad that no one warned us that we should look for this..and what the symptoms were. When he first told me I thought he might have bone mets, scared me to death.. Thank God his appointment was the next day, because I know Darrell hes so head strong he wouldn't of let me called them over what he thought was something minor... and it could have cost him his life. I'd read that aranesp could cause blood clots but had no clue that his pain he had was a symptom of that...I also knew inactivity could cause it, but still I didn't think he get any... duh!!! How wrong I was!!!! Everyone should be warned of this. I mean after the doctor told us "quote un quote" " WE LOSE ALOT OF LC PATIENTS DUE TO BLOOD CLOTS" Duh then why didn't they warn us of this, it almost makes me mad, but I hope others read this and watch for it...I guess any thing abnormal with our loved ones should be taken serious!! and at least have things checked out.But I'm wasted enough time and energy going nuts this past week that I'm not wasting any time on anger!! I am so happy about the shrinkage... In some ways I just want them to keep hitting him with chemo, but I know they can't do that either....Darrell needs a break...and they say radiation keeps working for 60 days... It hasn't been quite that long yet.. so maybe it will keep dying or shrinking....and Darrell can regain his strengthen to fight another battle if needed!!and maybe actually feel good for a while!! Thanks to everyone for your prayers and maybe now I will relax and get some rest... It was nice to know I'm not the only one reacting like I do.. I'm not even doing treatments, but I have so many sores in mouth from stress I can't eat!! This is silly how my body reacts to stress, its almost embarssing!! Little Rink is a perfect dog!!! He really has helped Darrell and I both to laugh when we had no smiles in us and people that come by probably think we are nuts. We are like those people that every time you visit they show you what their babies can do, except we are all consumed with Little Rink... We call each other mommy and daddy to him...He doesn't have a clue to what are real names are... He sleeps with us!! He goes with us every where!!! We won't visit no one unless hes invited, not that we go too many places!! we hire baby sitters on long chemo days!! also thanks for the hugs and well wishes I plan to enjoy this weekend!!! Thank God its friday!! Take care and again thanks to all of you!! You are all truely dear and important friends!!!! I couldn't make it with out all of you!!!! Love and Prayers Christy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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