How can life be so hard

[Barbb]

Monday will be 6 months. My therapist said for an unknown reason the 6 month point is so hard for people. It seems like an evil number now. Anyway, I am seeing a hypnotherapist now because I have been biting my lip, didn't know it for months, and it hurts all the time. I finally realized it when I saw teeth marks. He is helping me with relaxation and suggestions. I do it less, now I suck on it. Good God I am so weird.

I will be the only one at the front desk for 3 monts starting in Sept. I am trying so hard to learn the rest of the job. I just can't remember things. It makes me so crazy I have been taking Xanax...at work. Also trouble sleeping, tried wine, so now I drink and do drugs ':?'I actually hate wine, will give it to the person who suggested it would work. Anyway, now I have hyper-ventilation syndrome. It comes and goes. Today I've been great, didn't have to go anywhere but chose to go to the dairyfarm and buy a truck load of compost, spread half of it on my gardens. It was good, hard work.

A woman, 15 yrs. my junior, who was a temp. assistant in a dental office I worked in 4 1/2 yrs. ago found me by the staff picture in the yellow pages. She came in to my current office twice. I met with her at a taco joint to talk. She is crazier/more sinful than anyone I have ever met, just at the bottom of the barrel in life. Even her family will have nothing to do with her. She calls me at work, Renee tells her I'm busy. She keeps calling. Then she texted me and asked for money. I called her, said no, quit calling me. She thinks we are friends. I blocked her from texting but don't know if she will back off. Is anyone on here in the legal or police profession? What else can I do to get her to leave me alone?

Barbb

ps. I removed the picture of Rod and me, but could someone tell me how to remove the picture of my kids.

[RandyW]

Barb I wish I had al the answers to all the questions. But I can offer some suggestions Prayers For some peace and some positive thoughts for you!

1) If you want to remove Pix click on the profile button and then you can access the profile box which has the Picture info. Highlight and hit delete.

2) I think that the only recourse of action is to take out a restraining order perhaps on this individual who is harrassing you. Not sure about that but thats the only thing I can think of.

3) Yes 6 months is hard and so is 7 and so is 8 adn so on. They are all ahrd. It has been over 2 years and 4 months since i lost deb. Still hurts. Just not as much as often. Women grieve differently than men I think and thats why its so much harder for women than men. I know that may upset some people but I think its true. Oh well!!! Some thing I do when i mis deb and I used to do it daily for a while but less often now is go outside at night with a glass of wine or a beer and talk to her under the stars at nite. Just told her everything about my day. Wrecked the car , yelled at the dog, got a promotion, anytthing and everything. Also did a lot of cursing for what that nasty old cancer did by taking her away from me. JUST UNLOADED something else I found that helped was throwing eggs. They are cheap and edible and biodegradable so safe to throw into the woods. Just grab an egg and throw it at atree or a fence or the ground. Yell scream do anything to get all the rage and sorrow out of your body. Kind of a trnasference of aggression thing basically

4) Plant your garden in Memory of Rod. Keep it up and looking nice and it will remind you of him. You could put in a chair or a bench and have a special place to sit and enjoy the garden and think of him or talk to him!!

Hope something in here helps you some! I know how hard this is to do by yourself. I have done it so far by my self and this is how I have done it!

[MsC1210]

((((Barb))))

Just hugs and prayers for you... I wish I had magic words to make things easier.

As for this woman, perhaps it would be a good idea to do as Randy suggested and check into a restraining order AND check into the laws in your state regarding stalking. This is just so much additional stress that you do not need and I feel that there must be some legal way to end it once and for all and restore your peace of mind at least as far as this issue goes.

Again, hugs and prayers,

Warmly

Christine

[lilyjohn]

I don't have much to tell you. I have a friend (actually an ex neighbor) that I really don't like to talk to. She is always "poor me ing" and I just hate that. No matter how nice people are to her her favorite saying is that no one will do anything for her. I don't see her sense I moved but maybe once every three or four months. That has helped because I let the answering machine pick up and if no one leaves a message or if it is her I either don't answer or decide at the time if I want to talk to her. She has worn out her welcome with everyone else but it is hard for her to take the hints I give her.

As for the hyperventilation, try the deep breathing exercises. Take a deep breath in through your nose then push the air out through your lips as if you are blowing out a canclle or blowing a kiss. That will slow down your breathing and end the attack.

As for 6 months I go along with Randy. Every month or year holds something and they are all hard but you can learn to cope with them. It takes time and 6 months is far too soon to expect to get through those dates without your world feeling like it is ending once again.

I'll be praying that you find a little peace and comfort. Enjoy that garden. I think Randy's idea is a great one. Lillian

[Patti B]

((((Barb))))

I am so sorry you are going through all this crap!!! Just so unfair.

I agree with the others that maybe a restraining order should be your next step if this woman continues to bother you.

Randy gave you a wonderful idea with doing a Rod garden. You can work hard in it and hopefully get out some of the frustration and anger from within you as you make a beautiful tribute to him.

I wish you peace and strength. You know we are all here for you.

Hugs - Patti B.

[Barbb]

THANK YOU all SO much. I will make this my Rod Garden. It will be the best and most beautiful of all the years I've worked it. Yes every month is hard, I get scared and then the stuff happens. I did change the oil in the garden tractor all by myself!!! At the time, I sat on the drive and cried because none of the wrenches fit, then I realized I needed the metric ones and found it #10 I'll never forget that.

Other kindnesses, the neighbor "flattened" my drive which looked like a wagon train trail and wouldn't take payment. And he purchased Rod's two tractors for a fair price. Another guy showed up when he said he would and is building me some nice stairs from the front porch to the back yard. There are wonderful people out there.

About the woman. Good idea Katie, I will threaten her with calling the police which I will actually do. She has been in trouble with them in the past so that should do the trick.

Katie, also thanks for removing my kids picture. Just like to be safe..

Again, thank you for your support and kindness. It is so great to come to a safe place where you know you have good friends.

Barb

[blueeye]

Barb,

Hugs to you. I'm sorry you are going through this. I think we have to find what works for US. The support group was not for me. It was physically and emotionally exhausting.

My doctor put me on an anti-depressant a few weeks ago after I broke down as soon as he walked in the room. And I go to him for my asthma! Anyway, I never would have believed that a little pill would make me stop crying all of the time, but it did. I still miss my parents, and I still get weepy and sad, but not constantly crying.( I also had sat in the yard and cried while trying to fix the lawn tractor! So I understand that part)

Good luck!

[Nick C]

Barbb, I am really sorry!

Wine doesn't really work, lotsa sugar believe it or not and alcohol keeps your sleep from being restful and deep. I know it sounds cliche, but warm milk. Something in the enzymes actually.

The other stuff good stuff has been said already.

[Barbb]

Today has been a great day except, today the mom of my friend at work died....of lung cancer with mets to bones, 2 months after diagnosis. My friend just had her first baby 3 weeks ago, first grandchild. My heart hurts for her. They had taken the baby to see her parents several times which is so great, no regrets for her there. I decided to enjoy my day anyway.

The grief group isn't much help to me either. There is a guy in there who talks off subject. Then we have to get out fast or he keeps the last person talking for another half hour. He's just a darling old guy but I got home at 9:40 p.m. one night. The next week the facilitator kept him busy til we left, I had called her earlier to request her help!!

Nick, my therapist told me that the wine is a depressant so not what I needed. I just need my mind to close down. Would warm chocolate milk work? Warm plain sounds kind of icky. I feel groggy in the a.m. with the lunesta, but after working so hard yesterday & staying up late, I slept wonderfully..was outside at 7:45 today mowing and spreading weed and feed. Used two bags, maybe overdid it?? The dandelions are everywhere. Also learned it mows better if the blades are turned on Glad the neighbors are to far away to see the goofy things I do over here

Lilly, the deep breathing is a good idea, I try to do the deep breaths but blowing out my lips sounds like a better idea. I had heard of that before but had forgotten. Will try tonight when I go to bed..thank you

Blessings everyone.

Barb

[Connie B]

Barb, from all the things I have read here that are going on with you the one thing I notice most is that you are "GRIEVING" the loss of your dear and wonderful hubby and this is STILL in the VERY EARLY STAGES of YOUR GRIEF! I think your putting a LOT of expectations on yourself as to HOW you THINK you should be feeling at this time. Should-a Could-a Would-a doesn't work with those of us who are grieving the loss of our loved ones in the early months and early years.

The first (2) years of Grief are HORRIBLE, PAINFUL, SAD, HURTFUL and plan SUCKY! The first 2 years are the worst. You cry, you laugh, you cry, you laugh, you cry some more, you laugh a little more. That's what greiving is. Your up, your down, your sad, your mad, your a MESS in plan English. I know, I've been there more times then I care to count.

I think all this talking to all these theraypists and grief counselors are just to early for you to be doing at this time. I don't think your READY to put all this into prespective just yet. (if there's such thing). Talking about your loss is a GOOD THING to do. Talking to other's who understand is who you need to talk to right now, BUT, you DO need a little positive in your life as well. Someone who will take you off the Grieving path now and then and slowly guide you away from all this heartache once and a while. Someone who makes you laugh and puts a smile on your face, be it your kids or who ever. You need that PLUS in your life right now too.

When my son died, EVERYONE said right after he died, "Connie, you should really consider getting into counseling and therapy" I knew I wasn't ready to put all my heartache and sadness in order just yet. All I wanted to do for a while was GREIVE the LOSS of my son, Cry, Scream, and FEEL HORRIBLY SAD and talking about it wasn't going to change anything for him or for me, right after he died and talking about it to a therapysit sure as hell wasn't going to bring him back to me. I lost him and it HURT LIKE H E L L! And I needed to GRIEVE and that's exactly what I did. I didn't go into a dreprssion, I was grieving and Grieving HURTS like nothing we have ever felt in our life time. It tough and there's no two ways about it.

As for your dingy friend, tell her to BUZZ OFF like Katie said to do. Katie gave you good advice and I just want to second that.

You might want to try a grief group in another few months, and then again, maybe not. I went to them after my mom died and after my sister died, but I didn't go right away after, I went like 6 months or so after they passed away. I did find them helpful for me, but I don't think they would have been had I gone right after they died.

Your always welcome to come here and vent, and I do wish to share with you that there are other Websites for Grieving Widows that might also be helpful. There are a list of them on the front page of the Grief Forum here if you take a minute and go check them out. I know TeriW has mentioned one also.

(((((((((((((((((BARB))))))))))))))))))))))

Hang in there, each day does get softer and you will be able to breath one day without your chest feeling like it's going to cave in on you. We're here for you. This journey is all about taking baby steps. You'll be okay in time to come.

[Nick C]

Warm chocolate milk should have the enzymes...give it a shot.

[Welthy]

Hugs to Barb and big thanks to Connie B for sharing her wisdom and insight.

Welthy

[missyk]

Lots of hugs and understanding coming from this side of "the river" and cheers to Connie B for unloading a whole bunch of great insight.

Just so you don't feel so alone I have my own little bit of anecdotal (I'm pretty sure I spelled that wrong LOL) blabber for you!

When my daughter died I was put on antidepressants for the first time in my life (this was almost 13 years ago now) and absolutely HATED that I had to "take a pill" to get back to normal but I just was so completely and totally out of it that I couldn't tell you what color the sky was with any accuracy back then. In the 13 years since then I've had more ups and downs (aren't there always more???) and more times off and on medications, tried drinking some wine (or whiskey, or rum, or vodka...), tried almost all of it. Right now, after Mom's death (and we're almost at a year) I take Xanax (God Bless that stuff!!!!! ) on those days when I'm still a nut case. The good news is that you eventually (eventually) start getting back on the level for you.

As I was reading you write about changing the oil in the garden tractor I had to smile...I'm on an acreage myself and my husband does almost all that stuff while giving me "lessons" on how it should be done. My heart aches for the pain you must feel and soars knowing that you did it...and that you have people around you who are helping you when you deserve it most.

Much love and gentle hugs...

[Barbb]

Connie,

It seems I have been grieving forever, it had to have started before he was even diagnosed because I remember the fear, wondering why he was getting thin, hurting, not eating normally. I think my expectations are not all on how I should be feeling but on also how I should be doing my job. I beat myself up so bad at work, trying to be as good as Renee when my brain just doesn't work like hers. I realized this weekend as I worked outside that I know alot of things she may never know about caring for my acreage, that is important knowledge to have.

The grief group was "supposed" to tie up the loose ends when I don't even know where they are. It has not been a good experience, in fact I skipped last week and may skip tomorrow, which is the last one.

You are right about being with fun people. There needs to be a balance. It is FUN to laugh and goof off and happens sometimes.

I'm going to cut out the 2nd therapist, too. I quit biting my lip and it doesn't hurt now so I think he served his purpose.

Connie, thank you for telling me these things I didn't even realize. You are so wise.

With much affection to all of you,

Barb

[Maryanne]

Hi Barb,

You certainly got some good advice here. Your feelings are very normal as you are grieving. One day up, next day down. People grieve in their own way. This is still so new to you. My heart goes out to you.

I think the garden for Rob is an excellant idea! I know it will flourish and will just be beautiful.

There are nice people out there which you have encounter. Unfortunately there are also the ones like the nut you describe. You received good advice about what to do.

I just want you to know that I think of you and pray for your pain will lessen.

Please take care and don't mix drugs with booze.... bad choice there. You may want to take Kaite's advice and try an antidepressant. This is not something you have to stay on just something to help you feel better.

Take care and know there are so many people who care.

Maryanne

[teriw]

((((Barb))))

I'm so sorry I haven't responded to your post earlier. I've been without Internet for

several days.

The six month mark was extremely difficult for me. I've found that my most intense grieving episodes come in 3 month intervals. My six month mark (which also coincided with our wedding anniversary) is the only time so far in this process I would have truly classed myself as "depressed." I felt overwhelmed, like I was drowning, and that it really was too much. That's when I decided I needed to see a counselor. I think the six month mark was so awful because the reality became inescapable. Bill really wasn't on a trip. Seeing his car in the driveway did not mean he was home. I really would never see him again as he was here. I really do have to do all this without him. It’s real.

The other thing I think happens around six months is that most other people become less aware of what you're going through. Life around you starts to move on, and people aren't focused on your grief. It's not their fault, it's just the way it is. Other people start to expect us to function "normally." And we expect it of ourselves. But we’re not there yet.

I agree with so much of what was said already. I’m sorry to hear your grief group has not worked out well. Is there anyone in there that you might share one-on-one time with? I agree with Connie about the need to have someone you can just experience joy with, even if it’s just for an afternoon. Laughter is so important. It’s good medicine, it gives us hope, and it lifts our moods. The other thing that can help is journaling. Write to yourself, to Rod, to God, to people you’re mad at – anything to get the feelings and anxiety out in the open – even if it’s just to yourself.

One day at a time, Barb. Remember that those darkest of hours will not go on forever. They seem like they will, but they won’t. I don’t know if it works this way for everyone, but every time I go through one of my super intense grieving times, I come out of it just a little bit lighter and stronger. It’s like a little bit of grief gets left behind for good, and I have that much less to carry with me. The more difficult the episode, the bigger the chunk.

Allow yourself to feel, allow yourself to cry, and allow yourself to laugh too. (And ditch the crazy lady asap!)

Many hugs,

[Welthy]

"teriw"

The other thing I think happens around six months is that most other people become less aware of what you're going through. Life around you starts to move on, and people aren't focused on your grief. It's not their fault, it's just the way it is. Other people start to expect us to function "normally." And we expect it of ourselves. But we’re not there yet.

Wow Teri! I think you nailed it with the above. That has been running through my mind lately, since I recently crossed the seven month mark, and you've put it in just the right words. I don't have real high expectations for myself though -- LOL. I just go with the flow lately and that's perfectly alright.

Still thinking about you Barb and sending more hugs. It's so tough some days and I imagine there will always be incredibly tough times. I really understand where you are.

Hugs,

Welthy