SandraL Posted May 26, 2009 Share Posted May 26, 2009 Hi there. Sorry to be a bit down but that is how I am feeling today. I had a bad night's sleep. After having successfully gotten rid of my back pain through radiation I now have significant pain on my left side. My latest CT scan has shown growth on my left side in quite a few areas and I can't seem to get comfortable. Morphine I don't think really helps. And am having one of those how long do I have left kind of days. With the summer coming up I am having trouble planning anything to keep everyone busy and happy while my health hangs in the balance. And I am just sick about what my disease has and will do to my family. It is not fair and I sure do not want my kids to have to witness my further decline. They have been so good through all of this. And I have been so positive that I am sure they still think I am going to pull through. I just can't have it any other way. I want them to have every single good day possible and to just continue living their lives without significant worrying and fear. I am currently getting vanalberine (navalbine) treatments which have been going okay with no significant side effects yet. I know the odds of it keeping my cancer at bay are fairly slim but I will keep on praying. Thanks for listening...maybe tonight and tomorrow will be better. Sandra Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patti B Posted May 26, 2009 Share Posted May 26, 2009 ((((((Sandra))))) I am so sorry you are having a bad day - guess we all do sometimes. Its particularly hard, I think, on us with kids at home - they hear and see everything and seem to sense when we are having a bad time. And I agree, I hate what this is doing to my Nick - he doesn't deserve it at all. I hope you start to feel better soon......you know that you really are one tough girl!!! Wish I could send a HUGE hug up to Canada to make you feel better. ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Patti B. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jstdzy Posted May 26, 2009 Share Posted May 26, 2009 I'm sorry you are having a down day, wish I had the words to make it better. But the fact remains whether you have cancer or don't nobody can be a little ray of sunshine everyday! So be gentle with yourself! ((hugs)) Dana Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janette Posted May 26, 2009 Share Posted May 26, 2009 Hugs and prayers from one Canuck to another. I've been thinking of you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Muriel Posted May 26, 2009 Share Posted May 26, 2009 (((((((((((((((Sandra))))))))))))))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beatlemike Posted May 26, 2009 Share Posted May 26, 2009 Sandra,I'm sending you a big hug from here in Nebraska! I hope it doesnt have any trouble with the border patrol. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
recce101 Posted May 26, 2009 Share Posted May 26, 2009 Sandra, even the best can have one of those days, and for sure you're one of the best. Pushing a bunch of comfort your way. Aloha, Ned Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dahknee Posted May 26, 2009 Share Posted May 26, 2009 Sandra, I hate that anyone has to go through this. All we can do is say we are here for you, we're praying for you and we love you for being here with us. Best wishes and hopes from Wyoming, (hopefully being an ex-con they won't get hung up at the border). Donny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ts Posted May 26, 2009 Share Posted May 26, 2009 Hi Sandra, I can almost see Victoria from here, so I hope my hug travels easily. It's not the same, but for a reality check, I picked up my Dad for a doctor's appointment this morning and he did not recognize me. First time ever, though he is 90. He apologized profusely, but things will never be the same. Enjoy your family time as best you can. Stephanie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janet B Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 Sandra I am so sorry that you are hurting. I think as moms we try so hard to always be upbeat for the kids - but you have to allow yourself the not so cheerful days too. I am praying for you to find some comfort and peace and sending you a big ((((((((((((Sandra)))))))))))) Janet Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie01 Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 Sandra, Hugs from Illinois too! I pray tomorrow will be a better day for you. Annie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bruce u Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 OK prairie girl. We both joined at the same time and pulled each other through some tough times. We also promised to kick each other's butt if we got down. So if you have difficulty sitting tomorrow you know why. We have a hockey game to watch together and that will be when the Leafs win the cup. So we will both be around for a looong time waiting for that game. LOL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandyW Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 ((((((((((((SandraL))))))))))))))))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LovesLife Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 ((((Sandra)))) ... your post brought me to tears and I wish there was something, anything, that I could say or do that would make you feel better. I hate that the pain is back, I hate that you can't feel secure about making plans and I mostly hate that you have to deal with this at all in the first place. You are right - it is so unfair. I hope you know that I keep you in my prayers (not just saying that - your name is mentioned quite often at our dinner table at prayer time) and hoping that our prayers will be answered. You are such a sweet and brave lady and you have touched my heart. I hope tomorrow brings a better day. Sending a great big hug from not-so-sunny Alberta. Linda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Isunique Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 Sandra I can't say anything more than the others. Just know that I am also sending you gentle hugs, warm thoughts. Sarah Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb73 Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 (((((Sandra))))) Sending you a warm, gentle hug from Northern New Jersey. We are having a cold, blue day here - lots of clouds and promises of rain - but, I'm hoping that it will be brighter and warmer tomorrow, for all of us. We have you covered in prayers, Dear Sandra. Barbara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnneM Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 (((Sandra))) I'm sorry you're feeling down. I'm dealing with a lot of pain right now too, and I know it just wears down your positivity after awhile. My middle son has been so angry at everything this past couple of months and his change in behavior is timed perfectly with my worsening symptoms. It's so not fair that our kids have to deal with this. But all we can do is just be there with them/for them now. I'm thinking of you and I know that Navalbine will work it's wonders soon. Anne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TracyD Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 Oh Sandra, my heart is literally breaking for you right now. I think I am exactly where you are with all of this, wanting so desparately to live, but feeling so bad at times that we can't think of anything but the worst. I wish I knew words that would make you feel better, but all I can offer is a big cyber hug. I completely understand your fears about the summer. Last summer I did everything, waterparks, theme parks, the beach, you name it. This year I can barely walk. I went shopping with my 14 year old daughter this past weekend to get her a dress for her middle school graduation, and I had to bring my mother along to push the wheelchair I am forced to sit in because I can no longer stand for more than a few minutes at at time. We try to protect our children from seeing the pain we feel, we do not want them to know that we suffer, but it gets harder and harder. When it gets really hard for me, I try and do something happy, something that I totally DON'T feel like doing, like playing a game, or curling up on the sofa and watching a movie with everyone. I keep telling myself that no matter how bad it gets, I'm still here. I am currently in the midst of 10 rounds of radiation for my back. When I'm done I believe that I will be starting Navelbine too. I pray that you get good results from the chemo, and that you are able to find a way out of that bad place. I think of you and your family often, I wish you all the best. Tracy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jyoung20 Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 (((Sandra))) I'm so sorry to hear this. Prayers of comfort for you as you are battling this monster. Blessings, Jamie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaminkw Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 Sandra, Your post was a blow to my heart and a kick in the butt. It makes me so sad to hear you are struggling. The kick is because I'm tempted at times (like recently) to feel sorry for myself. I've said it often and I'll say it again, my heart aches for your younger folk who are fighting this demon while trying to live life as normally as is possible for your children. Hugs to you dear. What I wish for you most is a good painfree night's sleep. Judy in Key West Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SandraL Posted May 28, 2009 Author Share Posted May 28, 2009 Thank you to all my awesome friends here for your kind words and support. Many of you have also sent me PM's and I will get back to you when I can. Knowing that you folks are out there, get it and care so much, it really does help. I have developed significant pain on my left side, my ribs and in my stomach. Morphine doesn't seem to help with this kind of pain. But I am seeing a med onc on Friday (not mine unfortunately as she is on vacation). So hopefully that doc will have some suggestions to help with this kind of pain. I have a busy weekend ahead of me. My son is turning 13 and is having a big mini golf/sleepover birthday party. And my daughter is dancing in her annual dance recital. I think she is in 10 different numbers! She so loves to dance and I so love to watch her. My mom is still here so it is a good week for her to be here to help out. If anyone has experienced stomach pain from mets and has any potential solutions, I would love to hear from you. My heartfelt thanks to all of you out there who continue to support me as always. Feeling a bit better today Sandra Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patti B Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 Sandra- I am so glad to hear you are feeling better and so glad you have lots of fun things to do this weekend. Just a note about the stomach pains - Navelbine is a vessicant (irritant) and I ALWAYS get a real bad stomach ache (like an ulcer pain) the night of chemo. Then the next morning, POOF, its gone. Maybe thats whats bothering your stomach and unfortunately, yours is lasting longer than mine does. Anyway, I hope you feel better each day and just to help that out, I am sending another BIG HUG up north to you: (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))))))))))))) Patti B. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alexan Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 Dear Sandra, I feel for you, there is nothing worst than feeling bad.I think that help a lot with depression. You will be fine Sandra, you have a lot to live for You are in my prayers, a big hug and a lot of support bucky Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dianew Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 Sandra -- I don't post often, but you have been such an inspiration to me since I joined and am I am so sorry that you are having a hard time right now. I don't think there is anything worse than pain to wear a person down, unless it's also lack of sleep. I hope after seeing the doctor tomorrow you will be feeling much better. Am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Diane Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hopeful? Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 Hi Sandra, I do not have much too offer but wanted you to know I understand how difficult this is when you have children. I am struggling with how much of a burden I have become on them and that though they never complain should not have to deal with this and am also not sure how much further I can be at home and have them witness the inevitable. It has just been such as roller coaster for me, good day, bad day, good day, etc. I don't know when and how to make this decision. I hope you are having a much better day and have been able to work through some of this. Feel free to vent to me anytime. April Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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