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Sudden bout of thoughts and sadness


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Last night suddenly I started thinking about events from the last nightPat was in hospital, the phone call informing me of her passingand my rush to the hospital. Saying goodbye and holding her for the last time.

The funeral arrangements and the funeral and then the last goodbye.

The whole saga played itself out in my mind as if it was just happening.

It being so realistic left me in a state of shock and utter sadness.

There have been many times when I would remember a certain event but never this much at one time.

Coincidentaly it could be that it was Thursday being the day before she passed away as every Thursday and Friday do bring back memories.

Today I feel a sense of grief and sadness but I am coping.

I will shortly be leaving for Johannesburg and tomorrow will be enjoying the birthday present that was Pat and the childrens idea.

Thanks for listening


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Ronnie if it helps I can remember the exact time that the hospital called me almost 5 years later!! and the fact that at 7 am on a monday I was drinkin at my parents house planning my late wifes funeral!

Thoughts and prayers!!!

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Hi Ron, Sorry about the loss of your wife and how you are


I understand. I lost my husband 15 months ago and I am still trying to process and deal with his loss.

I believe that God has given me the gift of NOT remembering the last week that Thom was in the hospital. There is so much I don't remember and I believe it has helped me to cope.

I guess in this part of my life, not remembering gives me comfort.

Good luck to you Ron. This is a horrible and lonely road to travel.


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Hi Ronnie,

Great to hear from you,your reflections are so well described,I can feel your grief and understand you.I have been so impatient to hear how the areobatic flying lesson went,cannot wait for your posting after to-morrow,bettcha Ned in Hawaii will be most interested too.I thought my flying lesson was exciting enough for my old ticker without the areobatic bit,but a bit inside me,wishes to share the flight with you.It is additionally significant that Pat had a hand in arranging this adventure,and I know she will be with you,as you loop the loop.Have a wonderful time tomorrow.God bless.

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It is so strange how certain little things can trigger a flood of memories and can cause us to remember things that we would never think about. I had that happen to me this morning. As some of you know, I was a manager at Target when Dennis was diagnosed. Some of my hardest days were spent in that store and many tears were shed there. I was shopping at "my" Target this morning and on the way out, I thought I should make a stop at the restroom as I had had way too much coffee this morning. As soon as I opened the door, a flood of memories about Dennis hit me. I remembered all the times that I ran to that restroom , often just to wash my face after breaking down. I remember times when that was the only place I could go and find a little bit of quiet time to think about what was happening to my life. While there this morning, I felt as if I couldn't breathe. It was all so real....as if 2002 was only yesterday.

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Ronnie, my heart goes out to you because I know how painful and those memories can be. Ironically, just two days ago, I suffered a total meltdown . I lost my husband over 4 1/2 years ago, but it still happens when I least expect it. I was in the den , where he stayed during the last two years of his life. I took one glimpse of the sofa there and I remembered how he used to end each day by saying " Good night, I love you honey, I'll see you in the morning". I remember thinking then... what will I do when he is gone and I no longer hear those words... just thinking about that and I started crying so hard , harder than I have cried in a long time and I could hardly stop. It was scary, really scary... Most days I go along pretty well, but there are those triggers that remind me how close to the surface the pain and loss still is... Be kind to yourself, Ronnie and know that those moments are normal. I oftentimes , still relive those last hours and minutes. :( Each time, it feels like it just happened. I'm not sure how we deal with that. I've never been to counseling, perhaps I should . Perhaps others will chime in on this subject. Sometimes , just knowing others have these things happen is reassuring.



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Your message is well understood, and heartfelt.

Yesterday, the WNYF (Magazine for NY Firefighters)arrived. It has been more than 7 months since Bill's death.

Thumbed my way nervously to the back where the "In Memoriam" lists were, as I would usually do since last March. His name, over the months, had not been listed. As though it made it less real, I would be relieved.

This time, there was Bill's name, jumping right out at me. He was now dead officially with dates of service and date of demise.

That trigger set me off to sobbing for most of the morning.

Here, I thought I was doing so well. There will always be those reminders. They will come and hopefully, we will become stronger? We can only hope.


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