Angie Daughter of Bill Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 I hate to be a party pooper today, but I am having a terribly bad day emotionally. We get my Dad's CT results tomorrow morning. This is the first CT since he started chemo. This will show us if the chemo is working. I have been a BIG bundle of nerves since he had the scan done. Here is a good example:I slept with my sick daughter last night. This morning, I hear running in the hallway on my hardwood floor. (It was not quite daylight yet.) I jumped up out of bed. I screamed "Daddy, what's wrong? Are you o.k.?" Only to meet my husband who had overslept by 30 minutes and was about to be late for work. I just fell to my knees in the hallway and cried......and cried.......and cried. (My hubby was really late for work then) Luckily, my Dad had left the house to go eat breakfast with his buddies, so he didn't see this episode. What is wrong with me??? Every sound that my Dad makes during the night, I have to go check on him. If he misses a morning breakfast with the guys and sleeps in, I go in and look at him. I watch for the covers to move so that I know he is breathing. When I wake up during the night I go in and check on him. I know this is absurd, but I can't help it. I have prayed for God to take this fear and uncertainty from me. (at least some of it) Will you all do me a favor? Will you please pray that God will take some of this fear from Angie in Alabama? Also, pray for good CT results. I hate living like this. I am usually the strong one in the family, but this cancer that my Dad has is really getting me. Sorry for the rambling.......I didn't mean to dump all of this on you guys. I guess once I started typing and the tears started flowing............I just couldn't stop. Thanks for listening. I don't know what I would do without you guys! Angie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowflake Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 Angie, Water therapy. Get in the shower, let the water run off you and let the tears flow. The BEST way to keep from crying at the drop of a hat is to let off all that pressure building up in your chest. CRY! Do it in a "controlled" situation and don't come out until you are finished! You are internalizing too much stress, sick kid, sick dad, late husband... To the "thinking room" with you, missy. Get all that out, take a few deep breaths and get on with the day. Nothing you do NOW will change any results, don't stress over it. BREATHE..... (and my thoughts are with you) Becky Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TeeTaa Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 Angie I just PM'd you a response to your PM to me, but I wanted to write a little more after reading this post. I agree with Becky - let those emotions flow and you'll feel so much better. And thank you so much for sending ME such a heartfelt, caring PM when you are so having such a bad day yourself. Can you say "Steel Magnolia"?!?! Love and Blessings, TeeTaa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gail Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 I'm right there with you girl, I had my breakdown this weekend. Our bodies tell us when enough is enough. You did good with posting about it. I know my therapist will be proud when I tell her about my reaching out. There are not easy words to comfort you. It is a miserable time. When I get myself really going, I have to list all the good things in my life. And that list is long. I remind myself of the poor people who go out for milk and never return . . . Prayers are being said gail Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elaine Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 Angie, If you didn't break down from time to time, I would think there was something wrong. It's human. You love your dad and you worry. He breaks down too, I'm sure. SOmetimes I wonder if we all should be hiding our breaking down from our loved ones or not. You say you are usually the strong one, but I know you still are a strong one. You prove it every day. Your dad is strong too. We all are and we all can show our vulnerabilty from time to time. Sending all kinds of love your way. Elaine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MO_Sugar Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 No words, just a gentle cyber hug (((((Angie))))) to help you through today. You ARE strong but sometimes we have to let God take over in that department. Give it to him and let HIM deal with it as is his will. God Bless you, MO Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ginnyde Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 This site is really just a big dumping ground. Everyone here has had to 'dump' because the emotions have just build up way too much. I can only relate as a caregiver, but I am sometimes just overwhelmingly sad for my husband and I guess for me too. If we didn't have these emotional outlets, we would either not be human or we would totally fall apart. Come here and dump anytime. We all understand. Ginny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Wood Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 Angie, when you are the caregiver, it is normal to be very sensitive to the carereceiver. I was one who never heard things during the night. When Lucie got sick, even though she was in an adjoining room, I began hearing every move, every cough, every sigh. It was like I was the mother. When Lucie got better, I went back to not hearing as much during the night. Funny how that is. Prayers for you and your dad. Don Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TBone Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 It sounds to me like you made the same mistake I did.When I was first diagnosed I cried a bunch for just a little bit of time.I finally just got by myself and cried for an hour and I still do occasionally.When the emotions start flowing just let it go.Let it keep flowing.Amazing what tears rid you of.Praying for you.TBone Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gerbil runner Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 Tears are just water to wash the soul. Run the shower, and your whole self will be washed clean. Be kind to yourself. Hope you feel better soon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angie Daughter of Bill Posted April 12, 2004 Author Share Posted April 12, 2004 Thank you all! My day has gotten a bit better. I am still really anxious, but it is a bit better. My kids are on spring break this week, so they have kept my mind occupied. My Dad and I do talk about his cancer. I do cry in front of him. I just try not to "freak out completely" in front of him.(This morning I was freaking out completely!!) He is the type of Dad that would start hiding his feelings if he thought it was upsetting me too much. He has always put my feelings and well being before his own. Right now, he is pretty open and I would like to keep him that way. I appreciate ALL of you so very much. I don't know what I would do without you! Angie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andrea Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 Angie, What part of Alabama? I have close relatives in Birmingham. Unfortunately I never had a breakdown myself for no reason. So I really cannot relate to you. JUST KIDDING I crack myself up, laughing is good for the soul. Seriously though, I have those breakdowns all the time. No one ever knows when I will randomly start crying. Sometimes it is worse, sometimes it is better. It is almost a bi-polar feeling--one second you really are ok, the next second you need to purchase stock in Kleenex. This is all such a roller coaster. Whether or not it is normal to make sure someone is breathing all the time, I can tell you that I do it too. I don't live with my mom, so I don't do it with her. But ever since cancer came around, if Brian is laying too still I will shake him and wake him. I cannot help myself. I honestly don't know what we can do to get rid of this anxiety except laugh at it and realize we are not alone. It REALLY comforts me to know others worry just like I do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karen335 Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 Angie, When I was first dx'd I was petrified and in a real fog. We just don't know what to expect and take one day at a time. My hubby being the caregiver always says to me, are you ok or what's the matter. He is overly sensitive to my moves as you are with your father. That is understandable because we are loved by you our caregivers so much that it is hard to let things pass and not say anything. What I explained to my hubby is, I will tell you, no matter how bad something is and if I am having a bad time he will be the first to know. I know he cares and I don't want hime to get sick or upset over this disease. I have NO FEAR. I have put this in the hands of my Lord, Jesus for Him to handle. This is bigger than me and I have just turned it over 100% and don't even think about it. My faith is so strong, I trust and believe that I am cured and healed. I am a true walking miracle and I give ALL the glory to my Jesus. He (Jesus) is the one to bear all the burden of this. I am truly comfortable with how He takes care of me. What I am saying is let go and let God, so that you will have peace in your heart and mind. You need this peace. If it is His will, it will be done. Hope this helps. If you want to PM me that would be ok. You and dad are always in my prayers... Blessings and gentle hugs, Karen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fay A. Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 (((((Angie))))) I don't know how to explain to someone how to go about putting the fear aside. I can only tell you what I do. I accept that I am doing the best I can to insure that the very best is being done for my loved one (or myself). I left small hand bells in each of the rooms for my Mother (bedroom, bath, livingroom, kitchen, etc.) so that if she needed me for something she could ring. Everyone knew the bells meant serious business, and no one played with them. I had an battery operated, electric candlestick that came on when lifted, and went out when you put it down. She would use that when she had to get up during the night. I tied a whistle to a piece of string, and dropped the string over the candle stick. If she needed help in the night, and a few times during the day, she would use the whistle. These little things gave me some peace of mind. I accepted that worrying wasn't going to change anything. Identifying a problem or potential problem, looking at different solutions and choosing the best ones might be helpful. But worrying about what might be isn't going to change the outcome, and isn't going to fix the problems. All of this requires us to make choices about how we live our lives. Choose to not be afraid. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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