Need Help: Those Relatively Young When Lost Parent

[Elaine]

I really need your help. Regardless of how long I live with this DX, I assume my life will be much shorter than I once anticipated. My own mother passed when I was nine and I was always somewhat dissapointed that she didn't leave me anything--I don't mean items, but since she was a writer, I had hoped she left me something, even a short letter. But she did not.

Now I kind of know why: I have tried doing so and it's hard. But any way, I hope I can do it.

One thing I worked on this week was gathering songs that are important to me or that say things I think are important and burning them on CDs for my kids. After I got to about 50 songs. I realized many of them are pretty sad. My children are in their early 20s and we always shared songs and movies with each other. I had a few tears doing this, but I also had lots of smiles.

Do you think this is a good idea? Will it be too sad for them?

What other things can I do or leave for them since I probably will be missing important milestones like their marriages and births of babies etc.??

Thanks in advance

Elaine

[shirleyb]

Elaine,

You are so thoughtful!! I can only tell you what my kids have told me since their father died.

They would have loved a letter from him. The would have loved the songs, like you have already done. They would have liked to known that the small things they did for him were recognized in some way. The one way I can think to do this, would be to makes notes on pictures or cards about what you thoughts were about what was going on at that time. They would have also liked if their father could have written or recorded stories about his boyhood. And mostly, they just wanted something that he had written about them. About how much he loved them. I would have loved to have had some of those same things.

The one other thing that would have been so wonderful for them to have would have been a recording of his voice talking to them. If it were a video that would have been better but they miss his voice.

My heart is breaking knowing that you are thinking so far ahead. But it is also comforting to know that you are doing this project for your kids.

May God hold you tightly and give you the strength to complete this task for them.

Much love,

Shirleyb.

[Snowflake]

Maybe, Elaine, it would help if you wrote them small snippets, those things parents use to embarass the kids on first dates, etc. Think about the eve of your daughter's wedding and write a letter to her saying what you want her to know, that she's grown into a beautiful woman, etc. Then, think about same daughter and being pregnant - write her a little journal about your thoughts at certain points in your pregnancy with her, just as you would do were you able to call her...

Write out stories for your grandkids of how things were when you were growing up...and make sure all the things you think are important that your kids remember (your father's/mother's name & lineage, family stories, etc.) are in writing.

If you break it all down, it should be easy for you....and when you're finished with all the small pieces, THEN write the "Big Letter" and include all your hopes for your children and how you'll always be there in spirit if not in body...

[Andrea B.]

Dear Elaine,

First I think you are so thoughtful for doing this!!!!!!

Second, this is something that I talk over and over about...that I wish my mom would have left me a letter. I am 32 and my daughter is 2. I spend my time worrying about how she felt about dying. We never talked about it, because we all remained hopeful until the very end (I wouldn't change this for anything). But there did come the time that we realized the end would probably be near. I wish so dearly that my mom would have left me a letter or some other form of communication to tell me how she was doing and maybe give me some sort of reassurance.

I think a great idea too is doing a video recording. Tell family members the vital points that you want them to know. Tell them your inner feelings. Tell them the advice you would want them to know, but also include how you feel. I would also have loved for my mom to have made something for my daughter. I think a video recording gives them a reminder of your voice as well as you yourself.

My mom was always a positive, strong and loving influence in my life. I would love to have a letter or video that I could look at whenever I needed to feel her near.

You are a loving and wonderful mom for thinking forward like this. Blessings to you.

[jamie]

Elaine,

I love your idea. I think your kids will Love whatever you give them...

I'm a big sentimental saver... I started Scrapbook baby books for my kids and put everything in them. My oldest is going to be 8, and Im still adding. I tried to stop at 5 yrs. old, but I decided to keep going and make them until they move out...or longer. My husband laughs at me and tells me that its silly to have a baby book that goes and goes...but i think that one day, I will too die, and my kids will have something I made for them, by hand. Hopefully they will appreciate it as much as I do.

I think the songs are a great idea, how about a box of little notes in envelopes addresed not to be opened until your first baby is born, or not to be opened on your wedding day. Write everything you will want to say on that day...just in case.

I think they would love that.

Jamie

[Mark67]

Elaine

I think its great you would think about that and I hope you will go through with it I'm sure it would mean a lot to them. And yes it will be sad for them but more on the net positive side. My mother never left us any literature or anything like that but I know if she did me, my brother and my sister would have loved it. We are also all in our twenties and are dealing really well with it all because we knew how much she loved us just by how hard she fought to stay alive, she would have done anything to spend another day with us and her 5 grandchildren.

[Guest bean_si (Not Active)]

cat

[Hebbie]

I too have always collected and written little things for my son -- not because I worried about not being here for him (at least not when I started collecting things...) but because I am a sentimental sap!

I have filled out his baby book to the extreme, complete with pictures of each birthday party, first days of school and have written paragraph upon paragraph on the blank pages in the back of the book about how he has grown and how proud I am of him.

I have about 10 home movie tapes of him through the years, that I intend to consolidate onto one DVD - mostly baby video, but also Kindergarden graduation and his recent 1st Grade Music Concert.

I also recently started a "Tyler Box" -- so far, it has the baby book, his first baby shoes, his first hair brush, his first tooth, my "pregancy journal" complete with ultrasound pictures, a lock of hair from his first haircut, all the letters he has written to Santa each Christmas (along with Santa's response letter!) and a letter I wrote to him on his first birthday.

I want him to know how much I cherished all of these milestones and how much I love being his mommy!

Elaine,

I have always believed that pictures can say a thousand words. A wonderful idea would be to make a seperate photo album for each of your children, with some favorite pictures of you and them as they have grown through the years. It will be theirs to cherish and look back on whenever they like. You could also do it as a sort of scrapbook and write different memories next to each picture.

Whatever you decide to do, your children will love because it has come from your heart!!!

Heather

[Fay A.]

Elaine,

Today is the 13th anniversary since my Mother passed away. She, too, had Lung Cancer.

During the last year or so of her life she jotted down notes and stuck them in books, vases, photo albums, behind pictures in frames, both those on the walls and on the tables. She left notes in the "good" china cups and glassware at the back of cabinets. They told us where to find the special recipes, and who originally owned the antique radio. They told us who got what, and how she hoped that some things would be used, who it belonged to and how they came by it. She told us about what she was feeling at any given moment, and how to operate some of the kitchen gadgets from the 40s and 50s. She told us annectdotes about family members, past and present.

Write the letters....then fill out a Christmas card for each of those you love and stick it in the Christmas Ornament Box. If I'm alive this Christmas I will find them first and dispose of them and do a new one before the ornaments are put away again....just in case.

[Ry]

Oh Fay~

That did me in...

actually I needed a good cry..

Rochelle

[Guest Phyllis]

I think the letters and songs are a great idea. I am having too many problems reading this as my daughter is in the same situation. I think you sent me a pm but I haven't been back to work to get to my computer. Kids this age need their mother. At least I will be able to get my daughter off to college. Take care.

[Guest KellyB]

Elaine, If this is something you feel strongly about , you should do it and continue. I asked my Dad several times to please write something down for his children or grandchildren. But he was fighting to the last breath and never believed he was going to die. I admire him for that. I would have liked him to have letters for my 3 daughters to read, possibly on their wedding days or graduation from High School, but thier Grandpa put all his energies into staying with them as long as possible. Please dont't think I am saying your time is limited, I want everyone on this board to be living with the disease if not curing it. But is the concept appeals to you, you should go fourth. Be Well God Bless...Kelly B.

[Hebbie]

Elaine,

I wanted to thank you for your post on this subject -- because of it, I started a scrapbook for my son last night. I bought him one for Christmas this year, but never sat down to work on it. Last night we pulled out all of his class pictures (starting from Preschool at age 3) and some family photos from when he was born, 7 years of Halloween photos and on and on......we had a great time together sorting through old pictures and chosing his favorites. We only completed 3 pages, but the few hours we spent working on it together were well worth it. He will now not only have a wonderful book complete with photos of family members who have passed on (3 great-grandmothers) since his birth, but photos of all our great times to cherish all of his life ~ plus the memory of working on it together.

Thanks!

[Elaine]

Hello all,

It's hard for even me to open this thread without crying a little, so I appreciate all of you who lent me ideas.

I have moved so many times over my life that I have lost some things of the kids' that I wanted to keep. Plus I had to pare it down each time, but at one point I had every paper they had brought home from school--well, through 2nd grade for my daughter and kindergarten for my son, but really, too much!! Just worksheets. Some things got accidently thrown away, but I have quite a few things. Not organized mind you, but some boxes of things.

I will concentrate on writing, music and marking a few pictures. They may have to go through the other things themselves,--we'll see.

Thanks again to all of you dear hearts for the wonderful ideas.

elaine

[silkee]

Hi, am very sorry that you do not have a good prognosis. I am 31 and my mother passed away in Jan. of this year. It is never easy to lose your parent, especially if you have daughters. I cannot even begin to describe the intensity of emotions that I have experienced over the past 5 months. I know that this is painful for you and for your entire family, but I think that if this is something you want to do for you children, you should do it. after going through my mothers things, I found that she saved EVERYTHING of mine, from my first footprint to the last picture of us together. Everything has a date on it, and although it breaks my heart to sift through all of her belongings, I find that it is also emotionally and spiritually cleansing, and it does initiate a much-needed cry. Your children will relish the scrapbook you put together for them, believe me. Peace be with you.

Tia

[kimblanchard]

Dear Elaine,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with all of us. I think your ideas are wonderful. I keep a journal for all 3 of my kids and write them letters, sometimes on special occasions or just because. Our children, I believe, will treasure what we leave behind, and will find different types of comfort at different points in their lives.

My Dad died from LC back in 1988. We had a very sweet relationship. We loved each other very deeply, but quietly. After he died my family cleaned out his car and in his trunk was a shoebox filled with photos of me...at my wedding, playing sports, graduating. It was his little "brag" box. He must have dragged it out to show his friends. It was so sweet I can barely stand to think of him with his box of treasures. God, I love him.

I am most interested in those funny dating stories, how did you meet "dad" or "mom", what was your first job, all those little details that we take for granted but make us who we are. Songs are a big part of that. Continue on with your project, cancer or no cancer, we all should share what is special to us.

God bless.

[lynn]

Dear Elaine,

Just wanted to add another small item that would be pretty simple to do and appreciated by your family.

If there is a special dish you make,jot down the recipie. When my Mom passed away so did the special family dishes she made. I've tried to replicate them but it's not the same.

You've gotten alot of great ideas from everyone else... these are really good ideas for all of us to do. Kind of like having a will, not for material possessions but for love.

Lynn

[amelie]

When my dad passed away three years ago (from CHF), my mom arranged for his clothes to be made into quilts for each of the kids. They are beautiful and precious to each of us. Maybe you could somehow arrange for someone in your church or community to make a quilt for your children. God bless you.

[Guest bean_si (Not Active)]

Elaine, my daughter was just down visiting from Atlanta. She is so talented at painting and I am not. But I watched as she went through my watercolors and choose one gosh-awful one, saying it reminded her of our going to the beach (I live about 5 miles from ocean). She was so careful in packing the picture away as though it were a treasure. Just thinking of that is making me cry.

The smallest of things can make our kids remember happier days with us.

Cat

[espy]

Elaine,

I thing what you are doing is wonderful and very brave!! Although your children may cry some, I'm sure they will smile as well, and the crying will be as healing for them as the smiles. Collecting some pictures of you and your family showing some fun times you had together might also be something they would appreciate.

[AnneBurris]

elaine,

That is such a great question. I just lost my mom in December and I was 29. I wish so much that she had either written something, said something, or video taped something for me. I can understand (especially now that you've said it) that it was probably not something she wanted to face and that's why she didn't, but it left me feeling insignificant.

I have a 10 month old son, and I feel like if I had a terminal illness, there is so much that I would want to say to him, lasting words.

Anyhow, it's good that you asked because I am sure your children, no matter what their ages, would cherish it. I wish you courage and peace.

Take care,

Anne

[Andrea]

My grandma had left things with notes for me. For instance, she left a tablecloth with a note taht read: "Dear Andrea and ___" and she told the person how lucky he was to have married me. Heehee She also left a note in her music box telling me how much she lvoed me.