Treebywater

Call the doctor... and if you think the Alimta isn't working be FIRM about that--see if there are alternatives.

Martha-- You know it was VERY important to my Mom that we continue to live and enjoy life and to try to smile as much as she could even when she was gone. But she also lived through example so many times, and when she was grieving, she taught me that it's ok to hurt... it's ok to cry. It's ok for the happy thing to not seem so happy. So.... I think even though our Mom's want nothing but happiness for us, I think they totally 'get it' that right now the tears are close to the surface and even as we celebrate we grieve.... (((((hugs)))))) to you. And I can offer this small bit of encouragement: Last year doing the "Mom things" at Christmas hurt, and hurt badly. This year they are a comfort as it means she is still part of Christmas even 'over a year' later. Don't get me wrong--I still cried. I got teary eyes making fudge, and frustrated that I didn't have HER recipe for it. I got teary eyed making her coffee cake. I got teary eyed watching our special movies wtihout her. But... I also was so happy that she was still a part of the holiday. That part didn't hurt so much. My husband tells me it doesn't get easier, it just gets different, and I'm glad that this time different meant that I could take some comfort from those things.... Keep putting one foot in front of the other, knowing that your Mom is proud of you, and knowing that she understands why you hurt. She's your Mama.... Doesn't she always? love, Val

(((((Beth))))) I'm so sorry. It's just so hard. I wish your brother could be more help... maybe he will step up and help more than either of you expect when the time comes. Praying for you all as logistics are worked through.... And praying for the hurt in your heart, and for peace for you Mom.

Simply awesome!!!!

How exciting!!! So many congratulations!!!!

I'm praying for you both!!!!

(((((Kim))))))) Be gentle with yourself.

I'm praying for you all... That you get the time that you need, that your trip goes smoothly, and that your Daddy has peace. ((((hugs)))) to you.

Gwen, I am just so sorry.

Oh Michele, I so get it. I really, really do. And I hurt with you and for you....

(((((Gwen))))) I hurt for you.

(((((Sue))))) Wish I could come be with you and sip some tea and cry together. Know that I'm sending you love and gentleness and praying for some pockets of peace. Look for the light in the darkness, Sue... and know we're all holding a little of it for you.

I'm still angry about not getting our goodbye time too, Pat... It's not fair. I'm so sorry. I just hurt for you.

Rochelle, I am just heart-broken for you.... I'm so sorry that your Mama is gone. I'm just so sorry. I sent you my phone number in a PM--please call anytime if you just need someone to talk to or cry with....

Yes! I LOVE Christmas Caroling! We'd have gone with our church this year, but they scheduled it during naptime....

Happy Birthday Sue! You're such a go-getter! Keep on keeping on and know how much we love you!

Frank--I'm just another person pulling for you and cheering you on with all I've got. And praying, praying, praying.

Thanks, Tina! I'm having a bad brain day.

A blog-friend of mine, Amanda, has been writing for this website. Amanda lost her husband this year to Leukemia, and she's my age. I checked the site out tonight, and it has... well... a lot of depth. I think the aim is to give a voice to widows... but to REAL people and not the ideas the come about when a person hear's the word, "Widow." We have so many beautiful women here who have lived through this devestating loss, that I wanted to share this as a resource.

Just so many (((((hugs))))) to you. And prayers for all of you, as well.

AWESOME!!!!

Some meds that are still in trial phases don't have placebos... They just do trials to figure out dosing and so on. Perhaps it's one of those trials, so the doctor felt it would be a good option??? You might call and ask and get a little more information.

I'm confused--do you think they meant a clinical trial to try to deal with her low red count/platelets? Or did they mean she needs to try a new treatment altogether?

Do you live close enough that you could run a dinner or two by? Do you think they'd be receptive to that? Stuff that freezes is always good, and stuff that makes good leftovers.... Or drop off some cookies or something fun and snacky--especially now at the holidays when they may have folks around. Or.... they have those blanket kits at craft stores these days, that I don't think you even have to sew to make. Maybe you could make one for each of them? Something snuggly and warm to let them know they are thought of. I know someone made one for my friend, Bob, when he was doing chemo and he just loved it.... And his wife Jennie snuggles it now that he's gone. Those are my ideas. It's awesome that you are doing this for them, Jen. I'm so glad they've crossed paths with you so that they know they aren't alone.

So yesterday I realized that I have a holiday pet peeve that I didn't know about. It's all the press that 'the stress of the holidays' is getting. And by stress I mean the, "Oh, WOE is me, when will I ever get all these presents purchased and wrapped?!" And the, "Oh, WOE is me! How will I ever be able to make and hand out 1 million dozen cookies?!" And, "Oh, WOE is me! I have to spend time with my family this Christmas!" It gets to me because... well... the last two Christmases have been so hard for me. They HAVE been stressful, but not for any of those reasons. Two years ago, I was facing down a year where I knew I'd be splitting time between two states 2000 miles apart to squeeze in all the time I could with my husband before he deployed and between all of his 'out and back' trips to the boat AND maximizing all the time I could with Mom. The 'diagnosis' became firm and official and stage IV the beginning of December and it was hard not to just reel with the shock of it all. And... we were expecting Carolyn which was so joyful and wonderful, but stacked on top of the other things carried with it so many "What ifs...." and bittersweet feelings. Last Christmas was my first Christmas without Mom and it was so very, terribly hard. My husband was in Iraq. His Grandfather passed away 3 days before Christmas Day and I attended his funeral on Christmas Eve. I was on the road with Carolyn--luckily my Sister-in-law's family took us into their vehicle so I didn't have to do all the driving..... And so many people were telling me to 'cherish this first Christmas with Carolyn.' That Christmas was so full of grief over Mom and Grandpa... the missing of my husband... the logistical nightmares that occurred with the trip and the Red Cross call I had to put through to Andy... It was just so hard. The year that Mom was sick the message that Christmas is about a light shining in the darkness hit me and hit me hard. We heard it over and over. I started saying it in different ways to myself and to others over and over.... And I GOT IT for the first time--It wasn't about hype and excitement. It was about hope in a dark world. Amd those two years, more than anything I needed HOPE AND LIGHT in my dark world. On top of all that, at church yesterday the prayer requests were heart-breaking. Two or three recent deaths. One terminal cancer diagnosis. Several other prayer requests that were dire... And I'd spent part of the service watching a 14 year old girl perform a special music number with a group of the youth, and I watched her face knowing that her Mom and Dad are divorcing this year, and I just ached at what their Christmas would be like this year. And I know how hard it is when the world is hyped up about the smarmy details of Christmas and your world has just shattered, because my past two Christmases have been in the midst of world-shattering. So my heart ached all the more. So... when I hear the commercials, or I hear people say, "I'm so stressed out by all that I have to do!" I just want to scream, "Get your priorities straight!" I want to tell people to stop giving themselves ulcers over ribbons and bows and candy that doesn't ever get to 'soft ball' stage, and to instead look around at their family.... and at their faith.... and to remember to cherish the people that they love around them. It has very much to do with my grief and missing of Mom. I know I feel this way because my world has been tossed on it's head and I will never see it the same way again. Just wondering if anybody else was feeling this way or if I'm just at a stage of going off on diatribes until people pass out from boredom.