Treebywater

Daddy just called to tell me he is engaged. I'm not sure how I feel yet. I AM very happy for him. Somehow this feels easier than her moving in with him was. And I knew it was coming. And I DO like her. Still seems so fast, but I am very glad that this part of things came now... when I am starting to be in a place where I can be at peace with things more. And after being reassured of how very much he loved my Mom. It's been nearly 17 months. That doesn't seem like so short a time for this to happen. That feels doable. Much more doable than the 2 months that had gone by when they started seriously dating. I think if things had gone much faster I *Would* have had a very difficult time. It is still hard to think that she gets to be the Grandma. And I Think it will take a long time before I come to a place where I can call her that. But, she knows that and is ok with it. So... Well... I hope I get to help with the wedding plans! I told Daddy I wanted to be the 'best Man.' And I hope Mom approves.

Karen, I am so very, very sorry. And I AM praying for you.

(((((Beth))))) You are so special. Bill was (and is) so special. Thank you for letting us know how you are doing.

Ok. So... What is a joke doing here in this forum? Well... Dad sent this to me today with a note that said, "Your Mom would have loved this"... And I just had to laugh. And even though it was a laugh that had an edge of sad to it because I just wanted to share it with Mom so much, mostly I just laughed because... Well, it's funny! And because SHE WOULD HAVE LOVED IT. So.... I'm sharing it with you guys. Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates. The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied, "These are Carols." And So The Holiday Season Begins.... (P.S. My Mom's name was/is Carol

Shauna... My Christmas was a bit like that last year.... Where I learned, "don't assume it can't get worse." It's not an enjoyable lesson. (((((hugs))))) to you and prayers for all of you.

Oh Kim... I am heartbroken to read this post. And so angry about what happened at the assisted living facility.... I just can't believe that people treat people so terribly when they are already so fragile and have so many problems. You know--even with the kids there, and the adjustments that will have to be made, it may be the greatest comfort of all for your Mom to be with people she loves right now. I think you've given your Mom a huge gift. As for your sisters.... well, in your position I'm srue I'd just want to wring their necks. I'm so sorry you feel so alone. You AREN'T alone though. So many of us know what this is like and we will walk it with you. So come here and vent and cry and scream and sob and we'll cry with you and give you shoulders to lean on and ears to listen. Most of all you hang in there. And PM me anytime you just need somebody to be there, ok?

I'm so sad to read this.....

Don said it so well--I'm glad you are there to advocate with him. If your gut is telling you he isn't getting the attention he needs then start kicking up a fuss. Unfortunately, all to often in these situations is IS the squeaky wheel that gets the grease. So... Squeak! Let your doctor know what a dramatic turn this is for your Dad, and don't be afraid to continue to speak up. Praying for you as you navigate through all of this.

Deb--that sounds like a perfect way to make it through this first very hard holiday.... I will be thinking of you. I hope it is restful and special.

As usual, Jana.... You said it all. I could have said almost all of it verbatim. I remember last year around the turning of the year when I was just wanting the year to be OVER hoping that maybe this one would not be so terrible... and it's THIS year that I'm feeling the--wait.... Wait... Another year can't go by. Yes, Yes, Yes it is that feeling of a whole calendar year flying by without her. I look at Carolyn now and can't believe she's missed so much of her life. I do not like the feeling of having to count back two years from the date and have it not just be "last year." It feels like it was JUST YESTERDAY and I can't get my head around the fact that it's been almost 17 months for me... And I know that I was so lucky to have my Mom for those first four months of Carolyn's life.... I do not take that for granted, but I do feel SO CHEATED about having to mother without her.... and about her losing out on time with Carolyn. I feel eaten up with jealousy when my friends and in-laws have babies and their Mom's come and help them. I just wrote a blog entry about how my deepest sad moments lately are when I'm feeling panicky about Carolyn and then it hits me that I just want to talk it over with Mom. I hate that this new little baby will never know her. And another hard thing for me is that Carolyn's birth and Mom's death are so entwined for me.... They happened together. And so when I think of being a Mother it makes me miss my Mom so much more. It makes me feel that much more deeply the hurt that she isn't here to be with me in this and to relate to in that way. Even those first months of Carolyn's life I don't feel I really had that because the cancer had already ripped so much of her away. I just keep thinking of her wanting to hold Carolyn and not being able to because she wasn't strong enough.... I ache to hear what she had to say about me at the same age as Carolyn or how she got through staying home with me without going stir crazy... or if she thinks we're doing the right thing handling little things with Carolyn. Heck--I even wish I could have her give me unwanted advice or tell me she thinks I'm really messing stuff up! And it IS lonely. It is lonely to feel this deeply about something that to other people happened 'so long ago.' It's still fresh for me so many days. The pain doesn't take up all of my brain most days, but it is ALWAYS there, and I know it always will be. My husband lost his father 7 years ago. He tells me, "It doesn't get easier. It just gets different." Call me crazy, but that almost makes me feel better. I do still miss her so much. I do ache for her. I will never be 'over this.' Never. I will just always miss her and wish she was a part of my life. I still have nights that I can't sleep until I break down and cry really big cries. Maybe it's because that kind of crying came so late for me that I'm still catching up on it... but mostly I think it's because it still feels so raw and so fresh while somehow being 17 months ago. And even though the thought that maybe she is watching over me... or that she is with me because of that part of who I am that she gave me.... Even though those are comforting thoughts, they still don't feel like enough. Even if they have to be. I still just want her. So I'm going on and on in your thread again, but I hope somehow it makes you feel less alone in the aching and hurting. Because your post made me feel that way. I send you so much love. And I send that love to baby Veronika too. So much love to Karen as well. Please--both of you--PM or email me ANY TIME. love, Val

It is absolutely NOT wrong that you accepted Receive it as love. Receive it as a little shaft of light in a really, really hard time. And enjoy it. And... If you feel so led--pass on that kindness, this year... or another time. But for right now. Take it as a gift and a blessing and something special coming out of really rotten stuff.

Don't worry about WHEN you post. We want to hear from you no matter how things are. And from the sounds of things you have had some more "uppish" type days. I'm sorry that there was more screaming today.... but I hope that the more 'up' days will be a forming trend. I totally hear you on the, 'we never get more than we can handle.' Sometimes it all seems like too much. But we're here to help you carry the load. Hang in there. Val

I'm just so sorry.

The last I heard from her was in October... When she told me she was threatening to walk down the aisle to the West Wing theme.

I would mention to him or his primary caregiver that you noticed his skin looked yellow. Then, I would encourage them to ask the doctor about that. Sometimes the skin can look yellow if the liver is involved. I'm sorry that things are not more positive. Don't lose hope though.

Karen, I'm so sorry... Just praying for all of you.

I believe my Mom dealt with some of that when her platelets were really low, too.

ALLLLLL RIGHT!!!!!!

I'm so sorry to hear that you lost your Mom. It just hurts so much.

It seems that Mom did a separate test for the brain scan, but I'm not going to swear to that. YES, I think radiating just an area or two at a time to relieve the pain your Dad is in is a good idea. DO ask that question of the doctor. I'm no expert, so I'm not sure exactly waht the doc may mean by what he is saying, but I know that not all of my Mom's mets were radiated--just the ones causing her the most pain at the time. I would also encourage you to possibly seek a second opinion if you are not satisfied with the care your Dad is receiving or the answers you are getting. I'm sorry you've had to find us, but glad to meet you. Let us support you!

Oh Yeah!!!! And Joe you just amaze me.... I can't even run arount the block!

Yeah!!!!!!!

That is JUST TOO COOL!

Thinking of you, Jackie. I'm sorry for the terrible wait.

Great news!!!