Treebywater

I will try to do a search later--It seems someone else has gone through a similar experience... What I remember from that discussion is perhaps present the option as less of 'hospice' but as 'home health.' Let her know it's more for YOUR help as the caregivers than for her. And let her know that some people really wow hospice organizations and get so much stronger under their care that they can actually sign off. That may sound like a long shot... but it's still a little hope to grab onto.

I'm so sorry.

Don, Just sending you a (((((hug))))), and letting you know I care. I'm so sorry it hurts.

Holy Cow... It just makes me scared to go to the doctor. I didn't get an M.D! These people did... but over and over I hear about how frequently they *don't* get it right... Makes me wish I could do it all myself. ((((((Andrea)))))) Give'em heck. For all of us.

Karen-- I 'get' that too... From a different point of view. Being a Navy wife is not comparable to losing Dave of course, and I would never suggest that, but when DH is gone... and even when he's home, I am hard-pressed to understand complaining about husbands... especially husbands who are trying to help with the kids. It's not easy being a one-man band, no matter what the reason. I slip up sometimes when he's home, but always end up wanting to shake myself for doing so. You do find out what you're made of when you have to walk through the fire by yourself. (((((hugs))))) to you. You are really doing a remarkable job in such lonely circumstances.

Oh Andrea...... Just wish I could hug you in person... And pour you some tea, and cry. This is just unreal. Saying so many prayers for all of you. Val

Happy, Happy Birthday!!!! I am SO delighted for you!

Shirley-- Mom had a lot of those purple spots in the weeks before hospice. The first time one showed up she thought she had been marked by aliens. The explanation that we got was that it was bruising caused by her low platelets/bloodwork. And the bruising part proved true because as time went on, little bumps would cause them and voila--more alien mark. Our docs weren't worried either. Has bloodwork been checked at all? Are blood transfusions an option after hospice is called in (they weren't for us.)? As for having someone stay with your Dad... It might be a good idea just for his peace of mind and yours. I can vouch for the fact that the 'alien marks' came nearer to the end of Mom's life, but I wouldn't say that they were a hallmark in the process of dying. However... our time on hospice was very short. And I always felt better when I knew someone who loved Mom was with her.

I hate this disease... Thanks for letting us know Kasey. Even though it hurts... It feels more right to take notice when we lose someone--even if they have only posted twice. 41... 2 kids... Why????

Let me just kind of reply to the repliers here... The thing about something like this is, it like grief is handled differently by everyone. Additionally, you don't know how you are going to respond until you are faced with it... and I think, at least, that that response can vary depending on WHEN you are presented with the situation and also HOW. It feels different (though still hard) to have a parent date or marry 2 years after a death, than it does two months or six months after. When my Dad started seriously dating, it ramped up my grief considerably AND gave me a whole slew of new emotions to wade through. It ABSOLUTELY WAS NOT THAT I DIDN'T WANT MY DAD TO MOVE ON AND BE HAPPY. I DID!!!! I emphatically DID and DO. I want him to continue living his life, and I want him to have someone to share it with. I know I would want that if faced with a similar situation. And I did realize quickly that his moving on to date so quickly was likely in some way a testament to the love he shared with my Mom. He wanted to have that feeling again as quickly as he could... It was his safety and his joy. The complication comes in with the fact that this new person is for the child and the siblings and other family members--by NO FAULT OF THEIR OWN--a physical embodiment of the fact that their family member is ALL THE WAY GONE and that life will never look like it did and like you desperately want it to still. And THAT is a slap in the face. I can remember many mornings standing at my Mom's grave... looking at that headstone with both of their names on it, thinking--how in the world did my life get to looking like this...? now Mom is gone and someone else is here.... I didn't ask for this! I tried very hard to remember all the way through that my Dad wasn't doing this to hurt me... That indeed he needed to do this for whatever reason to make it through this huge blow. I tried very hard to remember that it wasn't his new friend's fault that she represented this huge, dark, black, sad feeling for me. And in fact--near as I can tell, my Dad has no clue what a struggle it was for me. He just knows I'm happy for him. He's even come to me for dating advice and to help steer him through their first few bumps along the way. And his friend? She has said more than once how grateful she was that I was welcoming to her. But with all that trying--even with being kind, and courteous, and welcoming and supportive, it still HURT. It HURT a lot. HURTING--especially when involved in GRIEVING is NOT rational. As such the feelings you feel don't fit into the "Try to see it from your Dad's perspective," box or the "Would you want him to be alone forever?" box. It's just not as easy as that. At least it wasn't for me. As for me... I wanted Daddy to go on... but I didn't want to have to deal with it immediately. Now I can get more of my emotions out of the way and simply be happy that he is happy, but some days I still hurt... and it is still hard for me to accept that someone who is not my Mom is with my Dad and in 'my house.' It really does help to be able to talk to others who have been through it as well... because a lot of the emotions carry over. I felt SO ALONE in what I was feeling over my Mom's death and my Dad's very quick dating until I was with my husband's family... His siblings and his cousins had all lost a parent and that parent had subsequently remarried... I remember one day a very honest conversation was had--more with the siblings and cousins than with me, about how they felt... About how men move on so much more quickly than women often do. They had a lot of the same emotions and for the first time I felt, "I am not an evil wench wanting to squelch her Dad's happiness. I'm just feeling feelings that are normal and doing the best that I can." I can't speak for Kim on how she is handling this. I know that so many of these gracious replies will likely help her. So many different perspectives have been given. But I wanted to try to give the perspective of a child who's gone through this to those who sit in different seats as well. It's not as easy as just telling yourself to let your other parent be happy. It's messy. And hard. And difficult. And it takes time to let your heart catch up with your head.

Yayyy!

I saw the title to your post and my heart just sank... I am SO SORRY you are going through this again...

And I also wanted to add--Feelings take time. I was angry and hurt and sad for a long time, though I tried very hard to hide that from my Dad. Give yourself space to feel your way through it. It is ok to be angry... but try not to stay in the anger any longer than you have to. For me--At two monthhs out, when Dad started dating and being serious with this woman, I was only just starting to really be in the throes of grieving... So it was so complicated to feel that AND try to process this. I'm sure you are struggling with this too. Be gentle with yourself. (And also try to be gentle with SF). And one more thing--It hurt me so much when I would vent about this... And I so NEEDED to vent because I felt so many things... But often the message I heard from others, whether they meant it that way or not was, "It sounds like you resent your Dad being happy." Know that I KNOW you don't resent your SF being happy. I know you WANT him to be happy... But that it hard to want THIS right now. It will take time... And you will feel all sorts of things about it... ((((hugs)))) to you. Please PM me anytime. I know how lonely this part of things feels.

Nick, I am so very, very sorry.

Kim, My Dad started looking on the internet for ladies to date about a month after Mom died. Two months after she'd died, he'd found someone he felt good about... Shortly after that (like weeks), they were serious. She has just recently moved in with my Dad. They are completely changing the house. They are redecorating. They are getting rid of special things that were always there--special things that were my Mom's. And while they aren't going to get officially 'married' Dad has made it known that to them, this step means that they are going to live as though they are. And am I happy about it? Heck no. It hurts... And it is one of the reasons that I have not been back to visit since we moved out here again. It was excruciating living in the same house with him and trying to support him as he moved on, but feeling so very terrible about this woman (who is very, very nice). On top of that, I felt like I was losing my Daddy too. Here I was living with him--mainly because I felt he needed some support and all he seemed to want to do was spend time with this new woman. It was just so hard... Just recently (and I think the distance helps), I have come to the place where I can say, "Ok. I can welcome this woman into my life." I'm still working on welcoming her into my childhood home... but I know that will come--at least to an extent--in time. It took me a long time to make peace with the fact that Dad could move on so quickly. It felt like maybe he didn't really care about Mom's death... But he does. I think a part of him really wanted to focus on something hopeful and enjoyable. And lately, almost every conversation we have we come back to Mom and we get quiet and both of us get teary. And that has bizarrely comforted me because it helps me to KNOW that he DID love her so very much. This is just his way... This is where I'm at right now: I miss my Mom so very badly... but I know I can't ever have her back. I want my family to look like the family that I recognize. With Mom at home with Dad... them doing their special things together. That's who I want to come 'home' too. And without her... and with my home changed and rearranged and with another woman living in it, I struggle to call it 'home' anymore. But... I can't have that anymore. So someway, I HAVE to make peace with what IS. That doesn't mean I understand where Dad is coming from... but I do love him and I DON'T want to lose him, so I must choose to support him anyway. Slowly, I'm getting there. And I have days where I want to slug this woman. I have days where I just want to go home and curl up on my Mom's bed, with Mom's blankets and comforter, and Mom sitting right there too... I want HER and not this new person. That is the simple truth. But this is life now. So I try to make peace with it. Regarding the issue of feeling like I'm losing my Daddy too... Well I had to realize that in a way I AM. My parents were always partly defined in light of the other. Mom helped me understand Dad when he was doing or saying something that I couldn't understand. She's not here to do that anymore. They were always... Mom and Dad--two lively adults who loved one another passionately even after 28 years of marriage. But, I lost the Dad that was when there was a Mom too. He is different. And I KNOW this is true because I AM different. Grief causes us all to re-invent ourselves. So... In a way I lost the Daddy I always knew. BUT--He IS still Dad--even with this new woman. Even without Mom. And I still love him. I still need him. I still worry over him. And I still want to have him in my life. So... I try to welcome this new lady--and sometimes I have to do it through gritted teeth, and sometimes after I've spent time with her and Daddy I go back into my bedroom and cry, and cry, and cry... But... This is now. And if I'm ever going to be able to live and not be miserable, I have to make peace with it in some way. I don't know if that speaks to where you are at all. It is only how I have tried to make sense of things and live with them... But I hope in some ways it helps. It hurts... And it can bring the anger out so quickly and furiously. It does. I am not negating that. But I hope some way, you will find some peace. love, Val

Bobby--Just another perspective... My Mom had NSCLC and fought for 8 months before she gave her life in the fight. 8 months is far from being 'the most successful run' here or anywhere... and she her treatment time was rough. Was it worth it to do the treatment? I think she would say it was. I think it was. If for no other reason than that we know that she did her darnedest to stay with us. And she took some control. She said--alright... you can't have me that easy. We knew that she was fighting for herself and for us. We knew that she was fighting for every single second that she could have with us. And every single second--though a lot of them weren't pretty due to treatments and the disease--were worth it. I'm not saying that her treatment was about us who are still here... it was all her decision, but I know that fighting for her life meant fighting for time with us, and that is a gift that she gave to me and my dad and the rest of our family. Plus it gave us a chance. It gave us some hope. It gave us resolve and an enemy to face off with in a situation that robs you of power. I think the hope might have been the biggest reason that it was worth it. And maybe those treatments did buy us some time. I know that I got to spend 2 and a half wonderful months living with her and being with her and watching her light up when she saw her baby grand-daughter... We might not have had that time without the treatment. If it's worth it to your sister... Then it is worth it. And the whys of that will come out more and more as time goes on. Hang in there and know that there is HOPE. Grab onto the hope and don't let go.

How ya holding up, lady? You've been in my thoughts so much, along with your folks.

((((((Lori))))))) I'm sorry you are hurting so much today, but so glad that you took off work for the day to wrap yourself up in Mom stuff and cry when you need to. I'm sorry it hurts so much... I really, really am. Val

Thanks for the update, Chris. I'm sorry that things are so hard. You all remain in my thoughts and prayers.

Praying for Ed and Angie now, Kasey.

Ah Frank... That just must be no fun. I remember when Mom had a cath after a surgery the only upside she could see was that she finally had the novelty of being able to pee standing up... Since that novelty is already yours, I'm sure it's just a pain in the tuckus. I hope you can get rid of the darn thing soon, and I hope you continue to take care of you.

Something we talk about a lot here too is a parents desire to keep their kids in the kid's position. With a disease like LC, it is easy for the roles to switch, and often even necessary.... but it is a tough pill to swallow for the parent. I wonder if BOTH of your parents aren't trying to preserve that traditional feeling of "Mom and Dad take care of the kids." It might be something they both need to feel a little more 'normal.' I agree--keep being available, and find other ways to step in and help out. Bring over meals before they have time to cook, or... just go hang out for a while. It's hard because the caretaker in you wants to do anything you can for your parents but both I know both my Mom and Dad wanted me to be the 'daughter' as much as possible. And it's important that even if things progress, you try to affirm your role as daughter and their's as parent--even if tables start to turn.

This is SUCH great news!!!!!! I am so relieved for you. Can't imagine YOUR relief!

(((((((Erin))))))))) I'm here if you need a shoulder. Happy Birthday to Denise--I know it is a beautiful, amazing day where you are.

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you Kasey! You made my day yesterday!