Treebywater

I am so sorry for your loss. Regarding your feelings that you should feel 'worse' than you do... I heard a lot of the same feelings I had when my Mom died... I was so relieved that she was out of pain and finally out of the body that had kept her true spirit trapped that I actually felt joyful for a week or two.... Then I felt numb for quite a while... And then I felt really and truly bereaved..... You will feel a wide variety of emotions as you begin this new journey. They are all ok. None of them are abnormal. Give yourself room for all of them. Again, I am so very, very sorry.

((((((Lori)))))) So many prayers for you all....

So... (Just to try out some new vocabulary), it looks like the Lung Cancer/Smoking stigma is one of history's biggest examples of a post hoc ergo proctor hoc (after therefore because of it) fallacies. Without hiding my head in the sand and realizing full well that smoking certainly increases the RISK of developing Lung Cancer, from what I am reading here it seems that it is unfair and even incorrect to say that smoking is THE CAUSE of Lung Cancer--even if smoking is in a patient's history. By the way--I don't know Latin or anything. I just watch West Wing.

I LOVE the pictures and I am so excited that I get to put a beautiful face to the name of Snowflake/Becky! Thank you for sharing!!!

Deb--Given the right (wrong) kind of day or night... I am *still* haunted by things that happened with my Mom. She didn't look at all peaceful until the moment she passed... she too struggled for breath... it was so hard to preserve her dignity.... I still have many questions about the meds and her quick decline... So many things to haunt me. So I guess that means it's normal. And I wish I somehow had words to help you not be haunted. But what I can offer is this: We heal. I still speak of my grief in terms of 'the big gaping hole that I'm learning to walk around with' but I spend less time feeling haunted. Be gentle with yourself right now. Don't judge your feelings.... Just... know that the intensity of all of them come as a direct result of the incredible love that you HAVE for the incredible woman that was your Mother.

Katie---You laid that out so clearly! Could I use what you've written elsewhere and (of course!) credit you with it (thinking about my blog) or snippets even? If I can't that is quite ok as well, I'm sure I'll need to do a rant of my own sometime soon.

Linda, I'm so sorry that you're going through this, but so glad that you've found us so that we can support you. It is hard... and I can't tell you how you will get through it, except... somehow you WILL. You won't know how it's happening during or after, but you'll walk through this journey one way or another. So many of us here know how hard it is. Please lean on us. Val

The questions at this stage are absolutely gut-wreching... Is it the drugs? Is it the disease? Is it 'the process?' We asked and asked our nurses and never got a clear answer, and I *still* don't know if what we did was right as far as Mom's meds went.... It is terrible. Its like having a theif come in and steal all of your very most precious possessions and not being able to do anything but having to watch--but worse--because it's your Mom laying there and you know waht a vibrant person she was.... and all you see is this shell. Lori--whether you are able to work with the nurses and find a happy medium with the meds so your Mom is more alert, or not... even if this is the disease or 'the process' look for every little shred of Mom spunk. Even in the tiniest things. Treasure them up. You will need them now. You will need them later. Praying so hard for you all. Val

Chuck--this IS good news!!!! Thank you for sharing it with us and know that we are holding Lisa up in thought and prayer.

Anything I could write would sound either preachy or trite and you don't need either of those things right now... All I can say is that I'm sorry. This stuff can be pretty obliterating to one's faith. I went through a large portion of this last year going--ok what ELSE can go wrong??? I *DO* believe that God loves us. I *DO* believe that he cares. I *don't* believe he gives us cancer. I think sometimes it's true that sh!t just happens. Somehow I still believe that he is good. And I know that he is weeping with you and your Dad and your daughter. ((((((Sheri))))))

I noticed you were doing that with the " to -inch... It took me a while though... And I started to change the -inch to " to make it all uniform. heehee. I think that will look nice, yes with all of them as '-inch'

Praying for your Dad, Andrea.

Lori-- It seems like OUR hospice organization had a policy that it was anything related to her disease AND not considered a life-prolonging measure. I'm not sure if Mom continued with her anti-coagulants at that time or not... If she did it wasn't for long because soon she couldn't take the pills and the liquids we had were only for pain control. Sorry I'm not more help.

So you're the one!!!! I've only been able to do 10 or 15 a day. Wow! You're smoking!!!!

(((((((Pat))))))))

I'm so very, very sorry, Deb.

I have been missing you too, Ms. Cin. Carolyn is sending kisses and hugs.

I am just heartbroken for you... Just heartbroken. There is nothing I can suggest to make things easier. No matter what you do they will be hard and they will hurt, but they will also be so precious that even though the memories of these days or weeks or months will hurt to dredge up, you will... because somehow even through the hardness they are a journey shared with your Mom. Sit with her as much as you can. Brush her hair, rub lotion on her legs. Sing songs to her. If it is something she would enjoy read her scripture.... Talk to her, touch her, and just love her. I'm praying for you all and wishing that this will be as gentle as it can be for each of you. Val

Ah Lori... I hate this disease and I hate what you are going through. I wish I could just come sit with you all and help in some small way. What I can do is pray and I will wrap you all in prayers of peace....

It is hard... It is so hard to watch your Mom slip away bit by bit and for things to already not be the same. I so remember that. I vividly remember one day in particular right after Mom was signed onto hospice... My Aunt was visiting and she pulled some primo Drama stuff on Dad and I.... And Dad was angry at me for not keeping the house up better.... And all I wanted was to go cry to Mom, and she was already too far gone for me to do that. It hurt so badly. This is a good place to come. There are people here who 'get it.' It's hard and it hurts like nothing else in the world could to see someone you love so much suffer and slip away. ((((((hugs)))))) to you, and prayers. Be with her and revel in the moments where she shows you a *hint* of her old spark--I called them the Mom moments. Hold her hand, rub her feet, watch the movies you always watched together, listen to her favorite music, and cherish these last precious moments. And when you need to cry to people who 'get it' just a little bit, we're here. Val

No suggestions here... Just know that I care and I'm thinking about you--in your recovery from the surgery, in the new 'gremlins' that you are having to face by yourself, in the process of being a Mom to kids who just lost their Dad, in your grief, and in approaching Tuesday... I'm thinking about you.

Praying for you all through this--both for the retrieval and for the in-vitro. I LOVE the new photos. You guys are so beautiful!!!!

Jen, I'm just so sorry. I hurt with you. Val

You have such a beautiful family, Tracy! Course, I'd guessed that.

I know your Mom is proud as punch of you going on to grad school... I bet if you asked her she'd say--I'm doing good! Go live your life! So that's what I say too.